Of Grief, Garlic and Gratitude: Returning to Hope and Joy from a Shattered Life―Sam’s Love Story

by Kris Francoeur

When your life is shattered in an instant, can conscious and deliberate gratitude and connection to nature help you find joy and hope again? Of Grief, Garlic and Gratitude follows the first thirty months after Sam Francoeur’s death from an accidental opiate (prescription) overdose. His mother, Kris Francoeur, shares her journey from the first crushing days to her eventually being able to find light, joy, and hope again through the practices of conscious and deliberate gratitude, unconditional acceptance of others, and making strong connections to the natural world. Her story helps grieving families feel that hope and joy will return, no matter how devastating and permanent the loss. Of Grief, Garlic and Gratitude approaches grief with both a very clear understanding of the realities of the process, and also shares a very personal and honest account of living with grief. It presents healing and hope without relying on religion, formal psychotherapy, or pharmaceutical resources. Kris’s story reminds readers that even as people struggle with mental health issues and addiction, they can still bring joy and love to the world, and everyone is worthy of love and acceptance.

Genres: Memoir

268 pages, Paperback

Published May 21, 2019

Reviews

[Nicole Carter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have hesitated to write a review of this book because I am not confident there are words that can adequately describe its narrative. As I finished reading I realized I was changed by the honesty, bravery, humility, and humanity of Kris Francoeur. Her story of Sam is like no other memoir I have read. She invites you into the most vulnerable parts of her life opening up the messiness of grief and loss, the guilt, and the truly indescribable sorrow. She also faces the opioid epidemic with a clarity that is often missed by the reporters who are recording this event. Reading this book will change you, knowing Sam through Kris will change you, because Kris brings the reader right to the edge of our worst fears and gives us language and meaning with which we can make sense of her loss, while also keep ing us connected to the antidote for this gaping wound: profound gratitude. Kris' pain and her family's pain reminded me of Rumi's admonition that our wounds are the place where the light enters us.

[J.D. DeHart · Rating 5 out of 5]

It has been sometime since I have been truly engaged by a book about grief. That last book was On Grief by CS Lewis. Kris Francoeur has written another entry for me in this category.


From the beginning, the book works with prose that is inviting and Francoeur writes in such a way that I found myself easily engaged by this book. It's a powerful collection of memory and emotion, and I respect the author's willingness to "go there."


I have never had the experience that is central to this book, but I know others who have, and I found this account to be a strong reminder of how delicate life can be. This is lived experience and honesty in this book -- and it's hard to ask for more that.

[Linnea Wilhjelm · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book tenderly welcomes you into Sam's world through the eyes and heart of his mother. For a moment, transported by Kris' writing, I was able to hold Sam again.

I will be forever grateful for Kris' bravery and brilliance to cement these details into permanent existence outside of herself, no matter how painful that must have been to do. I’m lucky to have had Sam in my life for the time that I did, and am so happy that now you can experience even a fraction of his light.

Allow yourself the space and time to grapple with the thoughts and concepts in this story that so many of us push aside for self-preservation. Allow Sam's life to touch yours, as it has so many others. And be grateful even in your grief, as Kris so passionately reminds us.

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be gently-required reading for anyone who has stumbled through the ragged landscape of grief after losing a loved one to our opioid epidemic. Kris’ words are heartfelt, authentic and full of grace. This book will always have a place on my bookshelf and in my heart.

[L.K. Simonds · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are names for children who lose parents. For husbands who lose wives and vice versa. But there isn't a word to describe parents who lose children, perhaps because a single word just wouldn't be enough.

Kris Francoeur is an educator, a profession that toughens up a person. I suspect Ms. Francoeur's personal steel is one reason she could write about her and her family's journey through sucking black grief without ever coming across as piteous. Instead, her descriptions of the days, weeks, and months following her son Sam's death from an accidental overdose of prescription medication is compassionate, yet objective. She intersperses social media posts throughout, real-time testaments that capture the emotions of the day so much more effectively that any attempt to reach back through the years ever could.

But the real takeaway from GG&G is getting to know Sam Francoeur, or at least feeling as if you do. Sam wasn't perfect (who is?) but he was filled with life and passion, which his mother celebrates on every page in generosity and plain, pure love. What we come away with is not only an appreciation for her loss, but a sense of the whole world's loss when Sam left it. That's stunning.

Death is an enemy, and GG&G makes no bones about that fact. We celebrate the day when death's sting is healed, when the grave loses its victory. In the meantime, I agree with Kris Francoeur. Don't comfort the grieving with lame platitudes, and certainly don't give God the credit. It doesn't help.

[Michele LaRouche · Rating 5 out of 5]

With addiction such an issue, there are very few people left untouched by it. The author writes a journal type description of her dealing with the death of her son and her grief. While you may not have lost a child to an overdose this book is worth reading and you can come to a better understanding of what someone else may be dealing with or you could be dealing with.

[Kelsey Frost · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book for anyone who is struggling with the loss of a child or if you know someone who is struggling with this grief. The author not only opens her heart and story about her family's loss of their son Sam, but of the challenges that they faced with friends and family that may have said the wrong things to them during their grief.
I bought this book because I know the family and was blessed to know Sam. He was a bright light and did love everyone who surrounded him. I don't think I ever saw him without a smile and the offer of a helping hand. As his teacher and drama teacher in elementary school I saw his humor, patience, and kindness. I was also his younger brother's teacher and the relationship between the boys was complete adoration for each other.
I wish you were still here with us Sam you are an amazing young man who I was privileged to know. I'm better for knowing you and now so many others will be as well. You will continue to share the love of Sam to those who need that love the most.

Your former teacher, Miss Kelsey MacCabe ( Mrs. Kelsey Frost)

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly Amazing!

I had never met Sam, but reading this book made me think I was another member of the family going on this rollercoaster ride of grief, love, and acceptance. Truly an amazing book and a wonderful tribute.

[Jessica Greeno · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a spectacular read. It continues to help me heal. The love and courage in this peice knows no bounds. Highly recommended.

[Linnea Wilhjelm · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book tenderly welcomes you into Sam's world through the eyes and heart of his mother. For a moment, transported by Kris' writing, I was able to hold Sam again.

I will be forever grateful for Kris' bravery and brilliance to cement these details into permanent existence outside of herself, no matter how painful that must have been to do. I’m lucky to have had Sam in my life for the time that I did, and am so happy that now you can experience even a fraction of his light.

Allow yourself the space and time to grapple with the thoughts and concepts in this story that so many of us push aside for self-preservation. Allow Sam's life to touch yours, as it has so many others. And be grateful even in your grief, as Kris so passionately reminds us.

[Shani Chen · Rating 5 out of 5]

One thing I love about books is how you get an inside look into someone’s life and kind of MESH into that person; seeing what they see, understanding what they know, appreciating the people in their lives and loving who they loved. Through reading Of Grief, Garlic, and Gratitude, I really came to love Sam and all he stood for. Perhaps a mother’s love is the greatest love on Earth, and seeing Sam through his mother’s lens made me love him too. He is the kind of person you wish the whole world were made up of, the kind that would advance the human race and elevate the connectivity of every living being. It was truly an honor to meet this soul through the pages of this deeply moving book, as if he were as real as standing in front of me. His love lives on, his cheerfulness lives on and his presence is ever present. Sam Francoeur, it is really a pleasure to meet you!

Now, here are a bunch of random things I liked from the book.

The first chapter already left me misty-eyed. It made me feel faint, and it made my mother’s heart ache.

I love how Sam knew everyone. Very open and warm personality.

Someone wrote about him, “I never saw you in a bad mood. If there was conflict, you were there to say something like, “Hey guys, let’s just hug it out instead.”

Haha! Sheep in a Civic listening to Hendrix. LOVE IT! Such a cute thing to do.

It’s just so beautiful what this mom did for her son. She turned her grief into a book that made his spirit live on an inspire everyone. From pain, a beautiful book was born.

I love how Sam wanted to talk to everyone as a baby.

He wanted to build a round house when he got older. Haha! So there would be no corners. How funny.

“As soon as the time out was over, the sunshine that was Sam would come back, and he never held a grudge.”

It’s so sweet how Ben, not two hours old, recognized Sam’s voice

Standing ovation and singing Amazing Grace outside. So touching.

Got goosebumps as I read about the rainbow over Leicester

The Facebook posts are beautifully woven throughout the book. They actually added to the book.

“Someone has been making little stone towers on Sam’s grace, thank you to the mystery builder.” So sweet

It’s so cute how he and a friend would weigh themselves on Thanksgiving and see who weighed more. He sounds like a really fun person to be around. What a goofy and cheerful person.

“Today, I am also thankful for the stark and glorious beauty of the white snow with the direct sunshine!” It’s extraordinary how the author could manifest gratitude in her deepest moments of grief. This is unbelievable and shows the absolute resilience of her spirit.

“Today, I also give thanks for the life and example of Nelson Mandela. While I have always found him to be an inspiration, today I thought a lot about how three of his own children ‘departed’ before him, and yet he kept going with a message of love and forgiveness.” Love this.

Love the part about the Peruvian group playing in New York.

The Christmas Box, by Richard Evans. I must remember to look into this.

From this book, I learned how to talk to people who experienced what the author did and what not to say. This is a very good learning experience!

Stories of alpacas, so heartwarming

I listened to Ave Maria

“I needed to make a light shine in the darkness so he would know we were thinking of him.”

Love what you guys did for Outright in Burlington to help transition-aged youth.

This book is evidence of a mother’s infinitely loving heart. It’s so beautiful to witness this.

In the middle of reading this book, I had to go on a weeklong vacation. And during that time, I missed reading about Sam and Kris and the entire family.

Had tears when reading about Sbeckles.

Funny, “He’s still leaving dirty dishes for me.”

“In all, I have learned that love matters even more than I fully realized. Love comes in many forms, whether it is a Tree of Life symbol as a gift, a beautiful letter written about a knitting project, friend letting me talk about Sam and crying with me, brownies and bread left on the front steps, a star bracelet to remind me to look to the heavens to talk to Sam, a teen boy carrying Speckled up through the snow so she could get her food, an orchid blooming in our house, text messages to say someone is thinking of us, Sam’s bell ringing at odd times, a quilt for Sora, hugs in the grocery store, and so many other forms. Love is all that matters.”

It was powerful when the author talked about the importance of people reconnecting with the estranged. No problem is worth losing contact over, and that really hit home for me.

Loved that she danced in the rain

What the priest said was just horrifying. There was no love there.

Love the messages from the one year anniversary.

This book made me a more loving person.

So sweet how this mother learned all the things her son liked, including Twiddle. Just so, so sweet.

I felt proud of her when she started voicing her opinions about difficult subjects. That takes a lot of bravery.

“You don’t get over losing a child. But in that moment, seeing that rainbow on his birthday at a concert of his favorite band, with many of the people he loved most around us celebrating his birthday, I felt the beginning of the understanding of how infinite love is, how it doesn’t die when someone’s heart stops, and that if you can find your way through the haze of pain, you can still see signs of that love and you can bring good out of your pain.”

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the twenty-two years since my twelve-year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver, I’ve read quite a few grief memoirs (and written a grief novel myself). These tend to follow one of two general patterns. First is a review of the experience of grief followed by an ardent but imperfect yielding to a higher power that brings, not resolution, but a capacity to keep living. The second details how the writer navigated such a devastating loss and purports to be an instruction manual for the newly bereaved to follow. I’m pleased to say that Kris Francoeur’s Grief, Garlic and Gratitude avoids both of these tropes.

Kris Francoeur lives, both then and now, a full, rich life in Vermont. She has a wonderful family, a small farm, a career she loves, a second career as a writer, and a community in which she is deeply embedded. The perfection of this life ended when Sam, the third of her four children, died of an accidental overdose at twenty. Yet her response was unique and individual, and I am in awe of her capacity to have the motivation for this so soon after his death. Where many withdraw into their grief (as I did); she followed a practice of thankfulness, posting on Facebook on a nearly daily basis the things she was thankful for—beginning the very week Sam died. I understand this as her authentic effort to stay connected, to stay in this world when so much of the self wants to follow the lost child into the world of the dead. In this generous act of opening this intimate part of herself she found overwhelming love and support.

The memoir has a diary-like shape, with Francoeur’s Facebook posts providing the bulk of the text as well as it’s narrative structure. Forward thrust is provided by her week to week gratitude at small things, which open her to change and understanding of how she needs to accommodate herself to Sam’s loss. Paradoxically, one thing I wanted more of in this memoir was grief. While the reader sees the depth and passion with which she reconstructed her life, the references we get to grief itself are generally in the context of a particular action, such as it being hard to visit her parents’ home (where Sam died), or the sudden confrontation with a new month without Sam, or the impossibility of seeing him when she normally would. The touching description of the family’s first Christmas without Sam, or the morbidly bizarre story of trying to cancel his cell service hint at how deeply wrong is the world that has your dead child in it. Child loss can be disabling, undermining both pride and ambition. Francoeur seemed able to overcome this early in her grieving and find a way to remain both vulnerable and engaged.

Francoeur’s approach led to one other extraordinary happening. Memory is disabled at a time like this; although there is an urgent need to be with the child, memory of his living in the face of the reality of death can be exquisitely painful. Yet Kris solicited other’s memories of her son, and this turned out to be an extraordinary blessing as these memories made remembering him fuller and more complete. She learned how much he was loved, and that this love was available to her if she could be open to it. And so, at the end, Kris has one piece of advice for the bereaved parent: “Find what works for you, show your love to those around you, and love as relentlessly as you can (242).”

[Sandra Warren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rarely does a book come along that everyone, and I mean everyone, should read; a book that teaches us how to comfort those who have lost loved-ones, especially those who've lost children, and how to make it through each day if the family involved is yours.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Do you remember what you were doing on October 9, 2013? Probably not. It's a date that the Franceour family and their friends will never forget. The date is forever embedded in their minds and hearts as the day they received the terrible news, news no parent should ever receive, news that their charismatic, happy, friend-to-all-son Sam, passed away.

Of Grief, Garlic and Gratitude takes you on an unthinkable journey with Kris Franceour as she shares her day to day struggle to accept the fact that her fun-loving, caring, twenty-year old son is never coming home again. Through raw emotion and inspirational thoughts, Franceour reminds us that nothing compares to the death of a child and, even though love is everlasting, pain also follows for days, months and even years beyond the passing. The book ends with thoughtful suggestions for those who suffer a similar loss as well as those left to comfort the bereaved. There is much to learn from this brave and heart-wrenching story.

You may not think this book will have value for you. It's not a fun read, but it's an important read that is also inspirational. Years ago, within a two year period, my husband and I were friends with six families who lost children; five boys and one girl. All were unexpected. All were devastating. I wish I had, had the suggestions listed at the end of, Of Grief, Garlic and Gratitude to know how to be a better positive source of comfort for each of those friends.

Of Grief, Garlic and Gratitude: Returning to Hope and Joy from a Shattered Life―Sam’s Love Story

[Trish Topmiller · Rating 4 out of 5]

My heart aches for this mom who lost her precious boy as losing a child is one of the most difficult things a mom can go through. Unfortunately, I know her pain too well and it hit home for me because I too lost my beautiful blonde haired son who was so full of smiles. Even to the ending every phone call with, "I love you", and rainbows. I was amazed at all her support, outpouring of love and all the beautiful memories she had. She did a great job at being intentional and thankful during the hard times. Yet, she was also very real with her pain and troubles. I loved the "Keep putting one foot in front of the other." How "painfully strong she feels for others who have lost loved ones." Making the most of your child and doing something with them. Her advice chapter was fantastic and right on. It's such a great reminder in recognizing the joys in our lives. I struggled with so many daily journal entries but I recognize this is a fantastic family history and it's a great tribute to Sam. Big hugs and congratulations. Sam would be so proud!

[Sandy Richter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Two Thumbs up for this book
A mothers journey after losing her son to a drug overdose and how she struggled with he pain and grief his death.

In the book its shows the love and support she gets not only from her family but the support from her sons friends and the community as a whole, she points out “just because you don’t have the same blood doesn’t mean we are not family!”

The book shows how sibling get passed the loss of a brother and find ways to keep his name alive in things they do on a daily basis. Do some of his favorite things, listen to his favorite music.

She wants to let people know how to keep on living without your loved one while keeping his memory alive.

A must read for someone that has lost a loved one to “drug addiction”.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of Grief, Garlic and Gratitude is real and raw, heartfelt and hopeful. Anyone who has lost someone will relate to the angst, the grief, the hopelessness; but then also acknowledge the love of community, the journey of discovering your new "normal", and learn that it is okay to find joy again...sometimes in the most unlikely of circumstances.

[Tiffany Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a deeply moving book that is part memoir part self-help. I found it very raw and honest. I would recommend this book to fans of memoirs.

I would like to thank Netgalley and the Publisher for providing me with a copy free of charge. This is my honest and unbiased opinion of it.

[Melissa Patterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

She was my son's principal.
Knowing her personally, I really wanted to read this book.

[Tamara Sellman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Definitely worth seeking out if you have lost a grown child. Francoeur shares that hope is in the passage of time that follows such tragedies.