Candy Apple Butterscotch: A Memoir

by Rebecca MacCeile

“I was running. Fast and furious through a forest full of cotton candy pink pine trees. Running from what? I still wasn’t certain. Something in my mind was buzzing. The only thing I could think was to run. I heard a faint voice screaming in the distance, and a crash of glass falling to the floor. Suddenly I was rocketed out of my dream to the realization that the screams and glass I heard weren’t a product of my imagination, but my boyfriend flailing in a night terror.

Before I could get out of the way, he swung wildly in my direction and connected with my chest. I gasped for breath, instantly aware of the room, and the man deeply entrenched in a subconscious flash back fighting for his life. I scrambled to escape his reach but before I could, he grabbed my arm and pinned me down, wrapping his hands tightly around my throat. A fire in his eyes that could be felt as well as seen in the dim light. I threw all of my strength into fighting for my life. I clawed at his hands, and my knee came up and connected with his chest hard knocking the wind out of him. Momentarily his grip tightened before he snapped out of his subconscious, and released me.

I rolled away from him as fast as I could. In my haste, I fell from the bed coughing and gagging as I hit the floor. I lay there for a moment, catching my breath and waiting for him to settle back into sleep. When I heard the soft heavy breathing settle into a normal rhythmic pattern I pulled myself up off the floor and stumbled out of the bedroom into the bathroom. I stared in the mirror, examining my neck for bruises tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn’t afraid of the man I loved, but I was scared and concerned for him. He never remembered his night terrors and I couldn’t hold it against him. Still, part of me was wondering why I stayed with him. The scared teen girl who had inadvertently fallen for this battered, bruised, crazy, beautiful, intelligent, mysterious, captivating, and troubled man. I stood there staring blankly a few more moments before sleep returned to my eyes and I headed back to bed.

I climbed back under the covers, snuggled up to the now calmly sleeping man beside me and quietly “I’m still here. I love you.”

He only moaned in reply, rolled from his stomach to his back, and softly began to snore. I shuffled away from him and turned my back as I wept softly into my pillow before settling back into sleep myself. It wasn’t the first time I’d cried myself to sleep in his bed, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s go back and start at the beginning, shall we?”

We meet Rebecca at the tender age of eight as she is exposed to the dark side of humanity for the very first time during the height of the late 90's drug epidemic. The impact of which left her reeling many years later. Especially so when she entered the world of dating and met a man who seemed to be a ghost from her past.

Follow along as Rebecca discovers her resilience after a haunting, abusive past. She not only survives but thrives with an insurmountable sense of optimism, tenacity, and hope.

Genres: Nonfiction

331 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 25, 2018

About the author

Rebecca MacCeile is a loving wife and mom to three rambunctious kids, twin boys and a girl. She has been an avid blogger, blogging about her life and the challenges of marriage since 2011, motherhood since 2012, and the recovery process she went through after being diagnosed with PTSD in 2013.

When she's not writing, or spending time with her family she is a dedicated volunteer for A Voice for the Innocent. AVFTI is a wonderful organization dedicated to helping survivors of sexually based crimes share their stories and find local resources to offer a community of support.

For more information or to share your story please visit:

http://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org


BY REBECCA MACCEILE

Candy Apple Butterscotch: A Memoir
Novelties: A Collection of Unfinished Short Stories
Turquoise Boot Straps: A Survivor's Thoughts
Eleanor's Library
Whimsy and Sterling
Lavender Raindrops
Jericho
Purple
Synergy: Post Traumatic Catharsis in Three Acts

You can find the most up to date information about Rebecca and her upcoming projects at:

http://www.rebeccasbookshop.com

PRAISE FOR CANDY APPLE BUTTERSCOTCH

"This is one of those books that really hits home if you've had a terrible relationship. Not like a bad breakup over something stupid...but the kind where you're totally convinced that this horrible person is your soul mate."

"The accounts of the trauma are laid out in such a way that you know what's happening and are able to imagine it but you aren't bombarded with intense graphic imagery, which I appreciate as a survivor myself. Would definitely recommend!"

"This amazingly written gem takes you inside the author's world and keeps you there, making you feel like a discreet "bug on the wall." I could not put it down."

Reviews

[August Bones · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I was existing in my new home, but I wasn't living there until after that night. I needed those tears. I needed to break down and scream at the moon."

Candy Apple Butterscotch: A Memoir was such a deeply personal read. It gave me that feeling of reading someone's extremely private thoughts; like I was the cleaning lady and found my employer's diary. Am I really supposed to be reading such things? It was as if I needed to neglect my duties and read right through that diary before I got caught! But, I couldn't put it down. I truly needed to know if Becca had her happy ending.

This true story told by author Rebecca MacCeile, is not exactly a happy tale. It is a tale that needed to be told, though. Speaking from experience, suffering trauma in any capacity and then holding those feelings inside - you will eventually explode. Becca chose to take that trauma and explode onto paper and gives us such amazing insight into the mind of a woman in pain; a woman questioning herself, her feelings, her own memories and emotions.

We are introduced to Becca and quickly given some background, but most of the story takes place after high school. She is a hardworker and takes a lot of pride in her job. She has a mother who tends to be overbearing and often says or does hurtful things to Becca. Because of the tumultuous relationship with her family, Becca is immediately drawn to Noah at her job. He seems like quite the likeable fellow at first - but when you're looking from the outside in, something seems a little off about him. I was questioning, "Is Noah the villain? Or is he going to somehow be redeemable if he fucks everything up?" There are moments you think that maybe, just maybe, he will be able to make a come back and fix all the problems he creates.

But Becca says it best herself when she writes, "...he was more of a tag-along to my own self-discovery rather than being the cause of it." And that line right there sent chills down my arms, because how many women in the world can totally and completely relate to that statement? It's a statement that is so short - but says so much. I know I immediately thought of more than one man in my past who I could stamp that statement on. And Noah was that man for Becca. He caused her grief, pain, frustration, despair, but he did also open her up to love and finding herself.

This story isn't for the faint of heart. It does contain details that might be triggers for someone who has suffered a sexual assault or miscarriage. I encourage you, though, if you have been traumatized, that you do as Becca did. Write that pain down and create a beautiful story: your story. Because none of us deserve to be kept silent. Our stories deserve to be told and deserve to be read. We all deserve the chance to make our own crazy happily ever after. I hope that many others read this wonderfully painful story because it holds so many wonderful nuggets of truth. I know that this wasn't any easy story to tell, but I am so glad that it was told.

Becca took a journey while writing this. And she was tormented repeatedly while trying to get this story told. One passage worth highlighting,

"It sounds cliché, but you can only love another soul after you've learned to love yourself. You can only be happy with another person once you've learned to be happy with yourself. Everything else is fleeting..."

I find a lot of encouragement knowing that someone else in this world has battled many fights similar to my own. I have had to find my own love for myself in the past. I cried with Becca when she suffered a blighted ovum, as I myself has gone through that same grief. I teared up in happiness when she realized her worth and took control of her own destiny and fate. It was only difficult because of the content, but don't let that stop you from picking up this book. It is WORTH THE READ. It's about a woman empowered and, my God, that is a wonderful thing indeed.

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book from the author in exchange for a review. No spoilers in this review.

Here is some of the Goodreads synopsis: "Candy Apple Butterscotch chronicles the journey of Rebecca MacCeile as she takes her first steps into adulthood, navigating her way out of the shackles of a mentally abusive childhood. A harrowing tale of overcoming trauma and adversity while trying to find her place in the world. "

This book may contain triggers for some, such as rape, assault, domestic violence, miscarriage.

At first I was a little apprehensive about this once I received it and read the synopsis as I don't often read memoirs, autobiographies or biographies as they are not my usual cup of tea!

This was different. It was like seeing into someone else's mind and seeing their private and very personal thoughts. Although it doesn't read like a flowing story and can chop and change scenario quite quickly you never felt lost in where the book was in her personal timeline of events. Books like this need to be written more. To tell people events and stories that need to be shared, not only for others but for the authors self too.

The book chronicles Becca's journey from early adulthood onwards and her journey and relationship with 'Noah' and others. It mainly begins after she has left school and is working, where she meets 'Noah'. To start he seems to be a lovable charming person that Becca is drawn to. As a reader in this situation 'Noah' does seem a little questionable and some of his actions made me question his sincerity, loyalty and morals. However, throughout the book you think maaaaybe he has changed. But ultimately this book is about Becca's personal journey of heartbreak and loss to peace.

Parts of this story were hard to read and I did have to take a minute to really think about what had happened to her as I personally have never been in the situations she has been in, for which I am grateful that I haven't. A book like this needs to be told and needs to be read. I would encourage others to read this if possible as it is a hard journey to read through let alone live through and I applaud the author for her courage and determination to write this and look for true peace and empowerment.

A book about a journey of love, loss, heartbreak, violence, abuse, change, determination, empowerment and peace. I encourage others to write down their own experiences, even if it is only for your own eyes as this is a book that (I hope) was very cathartic for the author and eye opening for those like me, who have never experienced such events but personally know people who have.

[Chris Mercado · Rating 3 out of 5]

***WARNING: This book has triggers for sexual assault and abuse***

I enjoyed the stories she told, but several things are obvious:

1: The fact that it was a self-published book. It was fraught with typos and punctuation mistakes, as if it was run through a spell check, but not proofread.

2: She was a blogger writing a book. The chapters feel like long blog posts and not a cohesive book.

That said, I enjoyed the stories she told. As long as you can handle the blog style and the editing mistakes (if you notice and pay attention to those things), then it should still be enjoyable.

[Emeline Pico · Rating 3 out of 5]

Life can be very difficult for some. You are never alone.