Faking It: The Lies Women Tell about Sex--And the Truths They Reveal

by Lux Alptraum

From Out of the Binders co-founder Lux Alptraum, a controversial look at women, sex, and lying -- why myths about women's deceit persist, how they came to be, and ultimately why we must trust women

When we talk about sex, we talk about women as mysterious, deceptive, and - above all - untrustworthy. Women lie about orgasms. Women lie about being virgins. Women lie about who got them pregnant, about whether they were raped, about how many people they've had sex with and what sort of experiences they've had - the list goes on and on. Over and over we're reminded that, on dates, in relationships, and especially in the bedroom, women just aren't telling the truth. But where does this assumption come from? Are women actually lying about sex, or does society just think we are?

In Faking It , Lux Alptraum tackles the topic of seemingly dishonest women; investigating whether women actually lie, and what social situations might encourage deceptions both great and small. Using her experience as a sex educator and former CEO of Fleshbot (the foremost blog on sexuality), first-hand interviews with sexuality experts and everyday women, Alptraum raises important are lying women all that common - or is the idea of the dishonest woman a symptom of male paranoia? Are women trying to please men, or just avoid their anger? And what affect does all this dishonesty - whether real or imagined - have on women's self-images, social status, and safety?

Through it all, Alptraum posits that even if women are lying, we're doing it for very good reason -- to protect ourselves ("My boyfriend will be here any minute," to a creep who won't go away, for one), and in situations where society has given us no other choice.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Sexuality, Relationships, Sociology, Social Issues, Gender

256 pages, Paperback

First published November 6, 2018

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Faking orgasms, altering sexual histories, inventing boyfriends...women lie. Makeup, photo filters, push-up bras, and even Spanx are vehicles that lead to authenticity concerns against women. In Faking It: The Lies Women Tell about Sex--And the Truths They Reveal, author Lux Alptraum discusses in detail these common falsehoods along with a variety of reasons why women feel they have little other choice.

Alptraum writes,

“We lie because it makes our day-to-day lives easier; we lie to keep ourselves safe; we lie because no one believes us when we tell the truth. But most of all, we lie because the world expects us to live up to an impossible standard – and frequently, lying is the only way to get through life with our sanity intact. The question isn't whether women are trustworthy. The question is why women lie – and what those lies are trying to tell us.”

Many of the subjects discussed within this book have been seen before in other nonfiction works related to gender studies. However, putting it all in the context of female dishonesty made it feel fresh again as it showcases the frustration of women as they navigate in a society that does not accept their truth. With fascinating perspective and well-researched content, Faking It offers readers a lot to think about. I particularly enjoyed the sections that discuss beauty standards along with the ones that draw attention to the largely absent representation of female pleasure and how girls are not taught to think of their own pleasure as an integrated part of sexual development. From 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' to sexist city infrastructures, Alptraum covers it all. Definitely worth the read. Check it out.

My favorite quote:
“Women lie because they're told, over and over again, that their truths are an impossibility. And – perhaps paradoxically – the best way to combat these everpresent falsehoods, the best way to get women to stop lying in the first place, is with trust, respect, and, above all, belief.”

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent. I thought it might just retread familiar territory (“there’s an orgasm gap, and it’s partly women’s fault because how are men supposed to learn if women keep faking orgasms!!”), and in many places the material was familiar, but it was so much more nuanced and interesting than anything else I’ve read on the topic.

First of all, it’s not really about “faking it” in the way we usually mean it. That’s just one chapter of many, although I did think it was a particularly good one that opened up the topic in many directions I’d rarely or never seen before (my favorite quote was someone who said “that’s not what I have sex for — if I only wanted to orgasm, I’d just masturbate!”). It’s not even just about women’s lies about sex, as much as it is about the double binds women are put into in every aspect of their public and private lives. It’s about sex, yes, but also about relationships and abuse, jobs and beauty standards and body shaming and so much more.

Throughout, Alptraum makes a noticeable effort to talk to (and *listen* to) women who are often completely left out of conversations like these — queer and trans women, women of color, Muslim women, late-in-life virgins, sex workers, asexual/ace-spectrum women, etc. Although most of it is about why women lie to men, it’s not just about women who date men, because all women have to put up with men’s gaze and harassment, which often results in lies like the “I have a boyfriend/husband” lie (because he won’t leave and may double down if he hears the truth of “I only date women”/“I have a girlfriend”/“I’m not interested”).

Overall, this book is often upsetting, but super worth reading. I related a great deal to certain parts and learned a lot in others.

TW: discussions of rape, sexual harassment, domestic violence/abuse, and other related topics.

[Meghan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was eager to read this one as it sounded right up my alley. Unfortunately, if you do a fair amount of reading around gender, sex, and harassment, there won't be anything new for you in this book.

I found myself irritated at many points throughout the book regarding Alptraum's decision to frame the book as being about women's "lies." Of course, the argument ends up being that many of the lies aren't lies at all, or that women are forced to lie by social pressures they can't control, etc. - but this framing of the book still feeds into the cultural narrative of women as liars.

I also felt like there were many points in the book where Alptraum did not critique power effectively. For example, in the "I Have a Boyfriend" chapter, a professional pickup artist is interviewed and given space to express his beliefs. This includes things like, "For Tran, the question is less, 'Should men leave women alone?' and more 'Can a man figure out how to approach a strange woman - even one clearly indicating that she doesn't want to talk to someone - in a way she'll ultimately appreciate?' If an approach is done properly, he tells me, it can be really fun, really enjoyable - so much so that even a woman who thought she didn't want to be approached will be better off for the experience."

The way that these perspectives are presented in the book is not entirely without critique - Alptraum does go on to touch on street harassment and the idea that women may not perceive these interactions the way that the pickup artists do - but the end result is tepid. Alptraum describes these interactions as "annoyances" and despite dedicating more space in the book later to the #MeToo movement doesn't go as far as to directly link these ideas to rape culture.

Similary, later in the book when Alptraum discusses Aziz Ansari, framing the issue as "he seems to see the evening as an opportunity to take what he can get, his partner's pleasure be damned" feels like a serious understatement.

By seemingly attempting to maintain some journalistic distance and not going further to dismantle the arguments of these problematic men, Lux ends up tacitly supporting many of their arguments. Other folks may disagree, but I don't think we need to be giving serial harassers and assaulters the benefit of the doubt or presenting them as just "confused" about consent. These narratives are damaging and let powerful men off the hook for their bad behavior.

[Harris · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an exceptional book that talks about a subject that's both ubiquitous and also a little taboo: the lies that women tell. And while there're inevitably some would-be wags who would leap on this as though it somehow invalidated the idea of #believewomen, what Lux Alptraum does is dig into the why's behind the lies.

And the short answer is: in order to try to get through a world that is massively inconvenient at best and at worst, out and out hostile to women in a multitude of ways.

It's a surprisingly quick and breezy read but, but the clear and approachable writing style simply makes the exploration of the subject matter that much more interesting and easily digestible in ways that benefit the book. It's a book you can easily hand to someone and say "if you want to understand why X happens, read this."

This is less a study and taxonomy of lies and more of an examination of the survival techniques women find themselves having to employ. Reading this was eye opening in a number of ways, including pointing out ways that well-meaning people - men and women both - have inadvertently made things harder.

TL;DR: it's good, and more people - guys, especially - should read it.

[Stephan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading this book from the male view, I changed the way I think about myself, and how men treat women in general. The author argues that women lie to keep up the proper image society has imposed on them. The lies cover how many sexual partners she has had, if she "came" or not, enduring sex to keep her partner pleased or to avoid further questions about an assault. The author examines a wide array of other topics that could help many women. Men can learn a lot from reading this book.

[Anna Chu · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to give this book out to every person I know. Almost every lie in here — I’ve said it myself. It is supposed to be more related to American culture but Russian society is quite far behind on that front.

‘And lies are strategic. Whether they are faking their orgasms or inventing boyfriends or concealing their pasts, women lie for specific reasons, ones that are often deeply connected to their very survival. Women lie because society won’t accept their truth, and they lie because their truth puts them at risk; they lie because sometimes a socially approved falsehood is the only reasonable way forward. Women lie because sometimes a lie is the only way to express a deeper truth.
....
In our fixation on female dishonesty, we tend to focus on what these lies tell us about women, rather than what these lies tell us about society.’

[gee · Rating 3 out of 5]

I want to note a couple of things that really stood out for me:

1. Our obsession with orgasmic sex and how this puts women in such a difficult spot hence the lies. This part was mind-blowing to me. Sex can be many things - reaching an orgasm is obviously important but it's also a way to connect with someone, a way to de-stress, a way to explore to name a few. Having an orgasm as the only end goal can put a lot of pressure on women and can lead to faking it. 100%
Also, men who think that they know women's bodies better and try to get a women to orgasm no matter what is another totally screwed way of mansplaining. Bottom line: Let the lady decide what she wants.

2. Yes, we live in a seemingly 'liberated' society. Especially in western cultures, women have the freedom to explore their sexuality (not too much though - just about enough that it doesn't come across as slutty). But that doesn't mean that the playing field is level. It doesn't at all. There are a lot of factors whereby a woman can enter a sexual relationship with a man consensually and STILL have a terrible experience or not be able to verbalize/express her desires in an open way. We live in a heavy duty patriarchal society even today and even in the most forward to countries. Sex between a man and woman can still be very unequal even if it is consensual. Only a change is society and the power structures between men and women can change this. So, no, the burden is not on a woman. At all.

I'll be thinking about these points quite a bit.

[Talia]

This read more like a long-form essay than a book. While some sections were well-researched and informative, others contained too much empirical evidence and pop-culture-as-proof for my liking.

The author also inserted her experiences into the book in a half-baked way. I still don’t really know who she is or why I should be listening to her. Her only qualifications seem to be that she has written for a few online publications. Usually, journalists’ books feel more immersive, but I didn’t buy her expert voice.

There were also some language choices that irked me, such as the author describing illustrations as “vaguely Semitic-looking people.” What editor allowed that to be published?

For these reasons, it was a bit of a frustrating read. I’d recommend a book like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski instead.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I follow the author on twitter and had heard her on a podcast talking about Faking It, and I was super intrigued. This is a great book. She addresses the idea that women are duplicitous by nature. The way she approaches it is interesting tho—by analyzing different situations (all pertaining to sexuality) where women are likely to lie, and what the purpose of the lies is. Each chapter is a different lie—like regarding virginity, or sexual experience, sexual assault or contraception use. She’s a great writer and uses research, firsthand accounts from women, interviews with other thinkers in the field of sexual politics, and current events. My only regret is she didn’t get around to discussing Emma sulkowicz (the Columbia student who did the mattress carry antirape performance piece) and Anita Hill—until the conclusion. Which is the shortest chapter in the book. I got the feeling she ran out of steam before addressing these two huge situations that could have sustained way more analysis. All in all though a great read that made me think!

[Sofia The Great · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book. Lots of facts about being a woman. Highly recommend it.

[Kent Winward · Rating 4 out of 5]

This isn't so much about the lies they tell others, but how the entire social construct around sex generates lying from both genders.

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

I put several markers in as I read but as I went back through at book's end I wasn't as enamored. Still an ok read. I did like the discussion of "sexual milestones" instead of focus on virginity loss. I also liked the chapter "I woke up like this." Paraphrasing the author--the world of beauty is an impossible situation to navigate. You go without and you're scorned for not caring enough. Do too much and you are vain and deceitful. And, the idea of "natural" beauty that's anything but natural (shaving!?!) gets written about here too. In another chapter, the deflection of "I have a boyfriend" (or similar) to a come on is almost universal but the conclusion shouldn't be women are liars. The question needs to be asked why is that the only way to get rid of unwanted attention? Why do we let men feel they can cross other boundaries and make women feel so unsafe? Later chapter this needs to be repeated "In order to truly know what a woman wants, you have to, well, actually ask her." And, follow that up with the ideas from the conclusion that you also have to give her the safe space and knowledge and power to actually say so.

[Maria Grigoryeva · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is current society that still makes “lie” best strategy for majority of women. The book puts thoughts on this topic in order. Was very useful read for me, being occasional “lier” myself without conscientiously understanding why i am doing it.

[Sierra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the beginning of this book; it started off quite strong. As the book progressed it became more about social pressure/expectations/norms surrounding women, thus revealing why women lie in general, not about sex specifically. I enjoyed the first half of this book, but found myself skimming around the end. The author does a good job at citing different arguments within each chapter, but they are touched on so briefly, where I felt they could have been expanded. I would recommend this book, but wouldn't blame anyone for just reading the first half.

[Eve Annajane · Rating 5 out of 5]

i feel so seen and so angry

[John P · Rating 3 out of 5]

Because it’s the polite and courteous thing to do…

Admittedly, I wasn’t even invited to the party… or, at least the read. Lux Alptraum, who published this lament on the troubles women face, dedicated it: “for women everywhere, the liars, the truth tellers and especially the survivors.” Survivors? I’ve been in this game for a long time, ever since reading Mary McCarthy’s “The Group,” Betty Frieden’s “The Feminine Mystique,” and the classic, Simone de Beauvoir’s “The Second Sex,” all in the ‘60’s. The eternal question: “What is it that women really want?” Still, “a work in progress,” a half century later. But I figure that reading books like this is sorta like being a fly on the wall at a coffee klatch … and I have been accused of being “sexist” for using that phrase. Oh, well.

I was “on the barricades” in the ‘60’s. By the mid-70’s, about the time of the liberation of Saigon, I figured the “revolution” was a done deal. One could take a black woman to one of the finest restaurants in Atlanta; the rainbow flag flew proudly over the Victorian Houses in the Inman Park section of Atlanta; marijuana would soon be legal in all 50 states; there would never be another American land war in Asia; and yes, most beautifully, a woman could ask a man for his enthusiastic “Yes.” Overall, maybe a few details had to be mopped up by the younger generation. Oh, the naïveté.
Alptraum hit on a very clever title… one that might nag a bit at a man’s insecurities. And/or, a woman’s. A transcultural thing, from the British “laying back and thinking of the Empire,” to Naguib Mafouz’s claim that “all women can be actresses in the bedroom.”

Does No mean Yes? MUCH of the book was devoted to this simple question. Men are such obnoxious beasts since they won’t take NO for an answer. With charm, savoir-faire, but mainly plain ol’ badgering, men believe they can transmute NO into YES. Nasty though men might be at this game, Alptraum provides the reason why: women don’t want to appear to be “easy,” and therefore a bit of “coy” lubricates, if that is the right word. Lawdy, one more thing from the ‘50’s that is not apparently settled. Alptraum repeatedly visits this issue, so much so that if she cut the book in half, nothing would be lost.

Ah, stats. The adjunct of lying? The standard rule-of-thumb is to double the number of sexual encounters a woman admits to; and half the number that a man brags about. The most stunning stat was Alptraum’s statement that 50% of women admit to faking an orgasm… but 25% of men also admit to faking it. How, oh how? Being coy? It’s transparent…because of the pineapple juice… a flavor enhancer. I recall one of the Directors of the CDC stating in a medical conference that 25% of patients will lie to their physician concerning their medical symptoms. How many more individuals would lie to a surveyor posing questions about their sex life?

The author covers a range of contemporary issues. Ever heard of PGAD? That is “persistent genital arousal disorder,” which apparently is not as much fun as it sounds. She mentions Ian Kerner’s gentlemanly “She Comes First,” with the subtitle: “the thinking man’s guide to pleasuring a woman.” Currently with 7500 reviews on Amazon. There are the many definitions of “virginity,” covered in a chapter featuring the Egyptian, Mona Eltahawy, labeled as a “sex activist” by the Egyptian. Another chapter on the difficulty of being Black in a world in which White is still beautiful. Make-up, or not? Alptraum concedes that some women NEED to wear make-up, and ruefully notes one blogger’s claim that all women should be taken swimming on the first date. And there was a LOT of discussion about contemporary movies and TV shows, proving this trend or that, none of which I was aware of, or had watched.

Yeah, she never asked my opinion, instead getting her women friends’ opinion over lunch, with the selection bias that favors the complainers over the doers. And Alptraum never mentioned the eyes, a la James Joyce, and how they can ask, knowing what the answer will be: “It would be my pleasure.” 3-stars, for a bit of this and that, on the “work-in-progress.”

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

There have long been conversations about what it means to be a woman, including discussions around femininity, sexuality, and culture perceptions. In contemporary culture, there’s a push to break familiar cycles of mistrust, to stop thinking about women as lying and untrustworthy, and to stop judging them for sexual knowledge and behaviors. But when women lie about sex, or femininity, or their histories, what social situations are encouraging these lies- and what do the lies help tell us about culture and society? Author Lux Alptraum tackles the lies that women tell and reveals a surprisingly simple solution- belief- that could help change our perceptions around female deception and forge a new path forward.

When I first started reading Faking It, I immediately tried to decide the best audience for this book. Given the subject matter, it seems obvious that women (or as Alptraum indicates, people with vaginas) would be an intended target for the information. But it became immediately apparent that this book is for more than just women, the subject matter is applicable for anyone who has sex, or who has refused sex, or even those who have thought about sex but haven’t yet made the plunge into that complicated world. If your worldview has been colored by ideals, opinions, and preferences about sex that are one-sided, uncomfortable, or seem out of touch, this book is for you. If you don’t think your sexual worldviews are out of touch, this book is for you. Alptraum constantly forces you, the reader, to stop and consider your own experiences and relationships with the realities outlined in Faking It, and it’s a wild ride. I think Faking It can provide a lot of perspective and insight into multiple thorny topics- not only sex, but body idealization and image, gendered behavior patterns, and consent (in more areas than just the bedroom). This book is amazing, and absolutely not to be missed. Check out Faking It and be delighted, be self-reflective, and most importantly be informed- take those first steps towards a better sexual culture.

[Mike Lawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't think of a person better positioned to write this book than Lux Alptraum. She's worked in the adult industry, been a sex educator, reported on both sex and the adult industry (rumor has it that she gets so many free dildos sent to her that she gives them out as gifts), is an advocate of sex workers' rights, and done tons of work with survivors of sexual assault. This is a woman who has been involved in the cultural conversations around sex and our perceptions of it for a couple decades now.

All of this is to say: Lux knows what she's talking about. Anyone who follows her on Twitter immediately knows that A) it's surprising how much one person can tweet about DS9, and B) she always approaches issues of sex with compassion and understanding. When she talks about sexual assault, she always frames it as how to back up those who have been assaulted. She believes that the first step in dealing with trauma is to believe and support survivors.

Now, this book isn't about that necessarily, but it's also not not about that. Because this book is about the liars. It's about the people who tell untruths because of the way they've been conditioned. It's about understanding the WHY behind the lies rather than calling people out for lying. It's about understanding that a woman says she has a boyfriend because she's worried what will happen if she flat-out rejects a man. It's about how often our cultural expectations RELY ON those lies.

I think there's a lot to be learned from this book, and I recommend it often to friends, from people who want to learn more about our attitudes around sex, to fellow men who want to be better allies/advocates for women, to women who want to understand why our cultural discussions around sex are so stilted (and also why some attempts to course-correct those discussions don't always work because the focus of the discussion is what's actually misguided).

[Eve · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful book, shows how much of consent is nonbinary to say the least, how physiological gauges such as lie detection, virginity tests, etc, are all bullshit & you need to believe people. Obviously, this helps the disabled, the TGNC, the queer, and the anti-patriarchal.

The concluding chapter makes it all come into focus. The part about me too is amazing yes.

This book was published before blue MAGA turned against me too in order to support Joe Biden against Tara Reade & this is something we're seeing get attacked by Johnny Depp's lawsuit. To say the least a white bourgeois pericisheteronormative patriarchy is a military dictatorship of war rapists. And we saw this come out

I'm not sure how to feel about "feminism of the disempowered" yet since the conclusion of this book is the first time I heard of this concept. It sounds to me like white patriarchal women who use homophobia/transphobia/queerphobia to bark back at sexual harassers instead of going for more systemic solutions. I also need to learn where Emma has gone from here, partly to gauge this strategy of feminism.

So, i give this book 5 stars, especially for capturing the sort of culture i want to see in the world, a consent respecting, inclusive, anti-ableist, pro-TGNC, etc, world. However, some of the things in this book could be abused to support the transphobia etc that fascists use for mobilization (that is Democrats want rape culture back, GOP wants child rape & children as property back, etc)

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

In order to get 5 stars, a book has to make me feel something, or think deeply about something, or question something that I believe. I'm old, and don't really do any of those things unprompted anymore, if I ever did. This book does all those things. I'd like to believe, as I suspect all of us would, that I've never behaved in ways that made it easier for women to lie to me than tell the truth, but I no longer believe that to be true.

And, unlike a ton of scholarly works, this was clearly formatted with the electronic edition in mind. For most footnoted works, I prefer to read them in a physical medium, as the notes are a pain in the dick. This work, however, had both clear footnotes, and hyper-linked in sentenced citation to the works being cited. This was easier to absorb in the electronic edition that it would have been with a hardcover. That's a rare and delightful thing.

This is, incidentally, the sixth book this month that I've only discovered because either the book or its author was mentioned on Our Opinions Are Correct, the sci-fi podcast by Charlie Jane Anders and Annalee Newitz.

[Chandler · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5 stars.

I thoroughly enjoyed the subject matter—obsession with orgasmic sex, being on the pill, beauty standards, and virginity. Great topics, but lacked some depth in parts. I enjoyed the author’s take on society and standards between sexual partners and men & women. I do think there are better books out there that speak on the matter, but this is a quick, conversational take on some great topics.

Quotes:
“We lie because it makes our day-to-day lives easier; we lie to keep ourselves safe; we lie because no one believes us when we tell the truth. But most of all, we lie because the world expects us to live up to an impossible standard – and frequently, lying is the only way to get through life with our sanity intact. The question isn't whether women are trustworthy. The question is why women lie – and what those lies are trying to tell us.”

“Women lie because they're told, over and over again, that their truths are an impossibility. And – perhaps paradoxically – the best way to combat these everpresent falsehoods, the best way to get women to stop lying in the first place, is with trust, respect, and, above all, belief.“

[Laemy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ох, оригинальная обложка, конечно, пугающая, я бы её не стала трогать, наша как-то лучше отражает содержание книги, которая, всё таки, нормальный социальный нон-фикшн. Про ложь в межполовых и общественных отношениях, которую многие считают вынужденной для собственной безопасности или просто для сохранения собственной женскости в глазах окружающих. Все эти, "нет, спасибо, у меня есть парень", "конечно же, у меня не растут усы, я же женщина! (а что у всех моих старших родственниц они есть, и довольно кустистые, я аккуратно игнорирую)", "конечно же, мне это нравится, приятно и интересно, я ведь кулгëрла по Эми Данн". Каждое вынесено в свою категорию и хорошо расписано, почему и зачем. Хорошо рассмотрен вопрос, что поддержание статуса кво, на котором держится необходимость многих из этих обманов, не выгодно всем, но выгодно каждой из применяющих их. Конечно, всем было бы лучше, если бы не нужно было ссылаться на парня при отказе от общения, скрывать использование контрацептивов или делать вид, что у тебя было меньше (потому что много - стыдно) или больше (потому что мало - тоже стыдно) партнёров, но каждой конкретной девушке глупо отказываться от преимуществ использования этих "лайвхаков". Только не очень понятно, для кого это. Тем, кто этим пользуется, это и так очевидно, а тем, кто нет, вряд ли захочется об этом читать.

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

when I first started this book I was all sorts of indignant to hear that to preach the benefits of orgasm for every woman is pejorative and not all women want orgasms from sex. Yeah, okay. I don't know their lives. I'm still miffed at my friends taking men home and coming out dissatisfied (what is the point if you are looking to get off??) but I digress - free will and all that.

but the thesis of the book (last words, built up to with more and more steam) is that women lie to avoid punishment in a society that punishes women for being imperfect or non-submissive. And that because of this systemic chicken and egg dilemma women are seen as untrustworthy while men are seen as honest. (yick.)

And I think lux does a very good job at showing it. Hell, I want all my male friends to read this. This book is such a good summation of the impact of the patriarchy.

Glad I finished....the book.

[Sophia Jaffe · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was really interesting and definitely worth the read. i don’t think it offers clear solutions (especially since the people who need to change are probably not the ones reading the book) but i think it definitely identifies and articulates problems that i didn’t even know existed and provides women with the knowledge and language to start noticing them and pointing them out in their own lives. reading this definitely made me realize that some things i never gave a second thought to were actually big indicators of inequality in my own life. i commend alptraum for being so inclusive and so open to all possibilities - it was really refreshing to read a book about feminism that doesn’t just talk about middle class white women. very very glad i saw this on a random shelf in the library and decided to read

[Rachel Matthews · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first chapter really sets the tone for the rest of this book. Alptraum gets stuck in straight away talking about orgasms - what they are, how they feel and why both women and men fake them.
Alptraum then goes on to fearlessly tackle topics such as the myth of the hymen, consent, sexual assault and something I'd never heard of called 'stealthing' which is the act of a man removing a condom during sex without his partner's knowledge.
After feeling slightly uncomfortable at first, I finished this book grateful that it exists. It is so important for these issues to be openly explored and for the shame some feel about sex and sexuality to be banished forever.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is well researched and well argued. There were many points where Alptraum wrote a setence that just cut right to the point and resonated so deeply with my own experience that it was almost jarring and validating at the same time. I like that the conclusions of this book feel satisfying and not like a suggestion to "just do XYZ to solve everything!" There are societal and structural issues at play that lead women to lie, and only when those issues are no longer present will honesty reign.

I definitely recommend this book if you have an interest in the intersection of sexuality and society.

[Daniel · Rating 4 out of 5]

One thing I learned that I had never thought much about is that Lux Alptraum said that some study's say that 40 percent of women have facial hair. I always thought that only men had facial hair and maybe a handful of women had facial hair.

And the rest of Faking it is full of information like that. Stuff I never gave much thought to. It opened my eyes to things I did not know about. Relationships sure don't seem easy.

Another thing that Surprised me was that a woman or at least some women have to say the have a boyfriend when they really don't. It surprises me that a women has to say more than No or that she is not interested.

[Simi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Each chapter gave me feelings of comfort for I felt heard and understood and it all confirmed that I as a woman who has a sex life, am normal.
At some points was heartbreaking to read the stats of such traumas that we women go through, that i have definitely turned the page in tears, some leading to my own personal reflections, and is a book every woman should read, for I promise you will feel less alone and more confident in that sexual aspect of your life.
Such a thought-provoking read!
I enjoyed every page

[Natalia Kirichenko · Rating 1 out of 5]

Не смогла осилить больше 30 страниц: сначала этот тупой дисклеймер о том, что не все так однозначно в определении слова «женщина», и заканчивая оправданием порнографии и преуменьшением ее вреда на половую жизнь людей и статус женщин в обществе. Но самое главное – это то, что авторка отказывается признать, что корень всего этого – мужчины, те самые мужчины, которые помешаны на себе и своем превосходстве, эгоистичные и жестокие мужчины, которые снимают порнографию, мужчины, которые не интересуются ничем, кроме собственного удобства и удовольствия. Плохо, очень плохо.

[Ruz El · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5/5

I've been familiar with Alptraum's work for awhile, so I was really looking forward to reading the first book. I was not disappointed. Breaking down the stereotypical and actual lies that women tell one by one, as an old guy new to woman studies books, it's quite a revelation. Straightforward and conception challenging, it's a solid recommend from me.