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Stronger Than You Think: Becoming Whole Without Having to Be Perfect. A Woman's Guide
If you've known broken relationships . . . If you've ever felt like you don't measure up . . . If you've suspected something inside you might be missing or flawed . . . This book is for you. Kim Gaines Eckert, psychologist and counselor, has spent years helping women with a variety of life issues, from self-esteem and body image to developing healthy relationships and healing from the past. At the heart of their struggle, she believes, is not the desire to be perfect, but the desire to be whole. And wholeness, she is convinced, ultimately comes only from God. In this book Kim invites you into her conversations with women. You'll discover you are not alone in your struggles, and you'll learn from her practical and proven guidance for growth and change. And because growth is always more powerful in community, each chapter includes questions for you to explore in a small group. Let Kim Gaines Eckert show how God can mend your brokenness and help you become a whole, healthy person--the woman he created you to be.
241 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2007
15 people are currently reading
140 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
May 27, 2008
...We must invite others to be whole people as well, not demanding or expecting them to be exactly what we want or need, but seeing them as the unique people God created. Whole relationships require that we learn to be authentic in relationships, and that we allow and invite others to be real and genuine.
...He differentiates beween other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy. In other-validated intimacy, we disclose things about ourselves to our partners with the expectation that the other person will be empathetic, validating and equaly discosing. This is the kind of intimacy in which we expect others to tell us who we are and make us feel okay about ourselves. As discussed in ch. 6, this kind of demand places others in a god-role that they cannot and should not fill. Schnarch contrasts this with self-validated intimacy, n which we share ourselves with our partners without expectation of acceptance or validation. Some psychologists refer to this ability to maintain our sense of worth and identity in relationships as differentiation. Self-validated intimacy or differentiation looks something like this:
I don't expect you to agree with me; you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me - and you can't really do that if you don't know me. I don't want your rejection - but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you.
In self-validated intimacy, we do not rely on our partners to make us feel okay, but instead, we depend on our own sense of self-worth and identity.
We allow others to be who they really are when we respect them as separate from us. Intimate relationships are not like lattes, where the coffee and milk are blended so well that you are unable to identify where one ends and the other begins. Rather, they are more like cappuccinos, where you can clearly taste and even see the difference between the coffee mixture and the frothy foam on top. There is unity (one drink) but also diversity (different taste and texture). Real relationships involve two distinct persons who have made a choice to come together. "It is the distinction (differentiation) rather than fusion (dependency) that leads to vital connection and wholeness." An intimate relationship celebrates and protects the differences and the boundaries between persons.
When the real people in our lives don't live up to our unrealistic expecations, we are disappointed. We have made the mistake of viewing them through the lens of who we think they should be to fulfill our fantasy, instead of who God has created them to be. Consequently, we may try to make decisions for them or control their choices and opinions, molding them into the people we wish they were, instead of respecting and valuing the unique creatures they already are. I sometimes view my husband through this lens of who I think he should be, and it usually looks like this: he should do things like me, feel like me and think like me. From loading the dishwasher to mapping out a trip to caring for our son, I sometimes get frustrated when Jeff's way is not my way. And every time I fall into this trap, I miss out on the joy of interacting with my husband's real self. When we try to control the people we care about, we miss out on the joy of differences. God has created us differently, and regardless of how strongly we may believe it, none of us have the market on the "right" way to do things. When we let those we care about express themselves and do things their own way, especially when it is markedly different from our way of doing things, we speak love in our ations. Sometimes people will make mistakes of course, and when we value them as separate people, we want to protect and cherish their selfhood, meaning that we don't demean them by pointing out their weakneses or mistakes simply because they have done things differently than we would have.
When we stop insisting that others met our need to save or protect, or to be saved or protected, then we can clease our subtle efforts to change or fix the other person. In the process, we can discover a wonderful gift - the gift of the other person's true self. We are then freed to ecperience and learn from other people's gifts. For me, a special gift resulted when I allowed Jeff to be himself in our marriage: he helped me become more flexible and spontaneous, qualities that have helped me to enjoy my life and my family.
When we see others as separate people and allow them to be who they are, we can then appreciate their unique gifts and personalities, rather than view those differences as threats.
...He differentiates beween other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy. In other-validated intimacy, we disclose things about ourselves to our partners with the expectation that the other person will be empathetic, validating and equaly discosing. This is the kind of intimacy in which we expect others to tell us who we are and make us feel okay about ourselves. As discussed in ch. 6, this kind of demand places others in a god-role that they cannot and should not fill. Schnarch contrasts this with self-validated intimacy, n which we share ourselves with our partners without expectation of acceptance or validation. Some psychologists refer to this ability to maintain our sense of worth and identity in relationships as differentiation. Self-validated intimacy or differentiation looks something like this:
I don't expect you to agree with me; you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me - and you can't really do that if you don't know me. I don't want your rejection - but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you.
In self-validated intimacy, we do not rely on our partners to make us feel okay, but instead, we depend on our own sense of self-worth and identity.
We allow others to be who they really are when we respect them as separate from us. Intimate relationships are not like lattes, where the coffee and milk are blended so well that you are unable to identify where one ends and the other begins. Rather, they are more like cappuccinos, where you can clearly taste and even see the difference between the coffee mixture and the frothy foam on top. There is unity (one drink) but also diversity (different taste and texture). Real relationships involve two distinct persons who have made a choice to come together. "It is the distinction (differentiation) rather than fusion (dependency) that leads to vital connection and wholeness." An intimate relationship celebrates and protects the differences and the boundaries between persons.
When the real people in our lives don't live up to our unrealistic expecations, we are disappointed. We have made the mistake of viewing them through the lens of who we think they should be to fulfill our fantasy, instead of who God has created them to be. Consequently, we may try to make decisions for them or control their choices and opinions, molding them into the people we wish they were, instead of respecting and valuing the unique creatures they already are. I sometimes view my husband through this lens of who I think he should be, and it usually looks like this: he should do things like me, feel like me and think like me. From loading the dishwasher to mapping out a trip to caring for our son, I sometimes get frustrated when Jeff's way is not my way. And every time I fall into this trap, I miss out on the joy of interacting with my husband's real self. When we try to control the people we care about, we miss out on the joy of differences. God has created us differently, and regardless of how strongly we may believe it, none of us have the market on the "right" way to do things. When we let those we care about express themselves and do things their own way, especially when it is markedly different from our way of doing things, we speak love in our ations. Sometimes people will make mistakes of course, and when we value them as separate people, we want to protect and cherish their selfhood, meaning that we don't demean them by pointing out their weakneses or mistakes simply because they have done things differently than we would have.
When we stop insisting that others met our need to save or protect, or to be saved or protected, then we can clease our subtle efforts to change or fix the other person. In the process, we can discover a wonderful gift - the gift of the other person's true self. We are then freed to ecperience and learn from other people's gifts. For me, a special gift resulted when I allowed Jeff to be himself in our marriage: he helped me become more flexible and spontaneous, qualities that have helped me to enjoy my life and my family.
When we see others as separate people and allow them to be who they are, we can then appreciate their unique gifts and personalities, rather than view those differences as threats.
July 14, 2007
I wish this book had been around in my early 20s. It covers many issues that women often deal with (body issues, depression, anxiety, relationship problems, etc.) and how to address them in a healthy way. Written by a Christian psychologist who also happens to be my sister-in-law (please note page 10 to see my name in print) - a great book for women who looking to overcame unhealthy patterns in their lives.
February 10, 2023
Warning: Do not read this book unless you are a born-again Christian. Most of the advice here is sound and helpful but the author has this belief that God only offers wholeness to people who believe like her. If you're not part of her "in crowd" this book will just leave you feeling left out.
The best part of this book is the discussion questions in the last section. Eckert advises to read the book with supportive friends. This is what I did, and we had some great talks. I feel like my friends understand me better than they did before. Our bond is stronger and we know better how to support one another in our healing journeys.
The best part of this book is the discussion questions in the last section. Eckert advises to read the book with supportive friends. This is what I did, and we had some great talks. I feel like my friends understand me better than they did before. Our bond is stronger and we know better how to support one another in our healing journeys.
July 12, 2022
This author knows what she’s talking about. I love learning from psychologists and therapists because they have the best understanding of how humans work and what we need.
I really enjoyed going through this slowly and learning about how our wounds and brokenness lead us to connection and wholeness. It takes work and time but it’s worth it.
I’d like to read more from her.
I really enjoyed going through this slowly and learning about how our wounds and brokenness lead us to connection and wholeness. It takes work and time but it’s worth it.
I’d like to read more from her.
March 4, 2011
The women's group at my church went through this book and it was amazing. This book changed my views of myself and challenged me in ways that I have never been challenged. It started me on a journey to discover who I am in Christ's eyes. It was amazing. Life Changing!!!
June 4, 2011
I loved every word of this book...it was so much more than I expected it to be.
December 29, 2022
I loved this book!!!
March 8, 2017
Enjoyable. Love the simplicity of the chapters and the spiritual references. Subtle but not over powering. Her personal reflections as well as the stories of her clients and friends are very relatable.
I would have given it a better ranking ... but there were parts that were a little slow and stale.
Overall a very enjoyable book with a lot of great takeaways.
I would have given it a better ranking ... but there were parts that were a little slow and stale.
Overall a very enjoyable book with a lot of great takeaways.
May 5, 2013
Loved Kim Eckert's book. Especially written for Christian women, this book walks you thru an intensive study on what causes brokenness and how we can be made whole thru Christ. I love the book, and it really helped me to examine my own broken pieces of my life.
" In this book you will discover you are not alone in your struggles, and you'll see that growth and change are possible"
Kim really gets to the heart of core "issues" that women struggle with. Relationships, sex, the need to please, idolism, abuse, etc. I used this book as a devotional and found it incredibly insightful.
" In this book you will discover you are not alone in your struggles, and you'll see that growth and change are possible"
Kim really gets to the heart of core "issues" that women struggle with. Relationships, sex, the need to please, idolism, abuse, etc. I used this book as a devotional and found it incredibly insightful.
January 27, 2008
eckert talks down to us, that's my main complaint. i don't find "the image of god" to be a "heady theological concept," even in latin.
the idea is nice, the execution... well, i've found that psychologists as a group don't tend to write well. this author is no exception.
all in all, though, some ideas were good to think about.
the idea is nice, the execution... well, i've found that psychologists as a group don't tend to write well. this author is no exception.
all in all, though, some ideas were good to think about.
February 25, 2012
First nonfiction of the year! I was actually impressed with this book on everything from body image to negative self talk to how to have intimate relationships. A book I would highly recommend reading with a small group or friends. The questions in the back are great and chapters were thought provoking.
August 5, 2012
Excellent book for understanding yourself, and the God who created you. It presents a good balance between not excusing behavior, and allowing yourself to experience the grace of God. Good book written by a good woman who knows Him well.
January 25, 2010
In my opinion the book could have ended with chapter 6. The next 5 chapters just got wordy and repetitive. I couldn't finish it.
November 20, 2010
This is not what I was expecting. Talk of sinning and the like. Not interested.
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April 15, 2012oh my goodness, this was a fabulous book. so applicable and timely and WONDERFUL! read it!
June 26, 2013
Very enlightening
December 24, 2013
This was a great book. I would recommend it to every woman I know.
July 15, 2014
A wonderful read. I actually learned a lot about myself and wished I had known of this book earlier.
April 28, 2016
A book for women by a Christian psychologist - right up my alley.
August 2, 2011
Very healing book.
June 24, 2016
This book deals with different women's issue from a Christian perspective.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews