The Proper Care and Feeding of Singles: How Pastors, Marrieds, and Church Leaders Effectively Support Solo Members

by R.M. Buchanan

Every week across America, single members filter into their local congregations to worship, minister, and serve alongside their brothers and sisters in Christ. Although a minority in most congregations, singles nevertheless compose a significant cross section of the church body. Each blessed and challenged with individual circumstances, Christian singles not only bear a unique burden but also offer diverse perspectives on the Christian life. Unfortunately, many Christian singles attest to feeling overlooked. Pastors and church leaders, many long married, often find themselves ill-equipped to understand the particular relational, emotional, and spiritual needs of long-term Christian singles. Worse, they’re unaware that they’re underequipped. Married church members, though sympathetic to the needs of their single friends, nevertheless struggle to bridge the divide. Written by a dedicated Christ-follower and long-term Christian single, The Proper Care and Feeding of Singles addresses the issues with humor and grace, offering practical solutions to strengthen the bonds of love and fellowship within local congregations.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction

139 pages, Paperback

Published November 7, 2017

Reviews

[Ruth]

I am the author. Praying that this book makes it to the right hands and that through it, the church is strengthened and encouraged.

[Kaley Rhea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one caught me by surprise. I'm not a pastor, married, or church leader, but I am a single person, and I was curious about how the author would approach this subject and intrigued by the idea of a book about singleness that doesn't have singles as its primary target audience.

I wanna hug this one.

This book does not point fingers. This book does not take up arms. This book does not make demands. This book does not complain or encourage complaining.

This book uses data and opinions collected from hundreds of singles, marrieds, and church leaders to, with great sensitivity, grace, and humor, address an issue within the church that (in my own experience) is widely misunderstood, overlooked, or seldom talked about. This book takes the reader outside his or her own experiences (even for singles) to consider the experiences of others. This book pursues, without any obvious side agenda, a church family that is united and effective in serving one another in love, bringing the Gospel to the lost, and ultimately, bringing glory to Christ. This book uncomplicates a thing we all tend to treat as very complicated.

And. I. Appreciate. It.
Worth a million stars, a second read, and a spot on every pastor's, married's, church leader's, and single's bookshelf.

[Rebekah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here’s the short scoop: singles are not “less than” in any way due to their marital status and the body of Christ is better off when we treat them as needed members.

This book encourages families and churches to help singles feel welcomed, valued, and not inherently broken or incomplete. Seeing them as just “not yet married,” doesn’t us or them much good. Some of this book seemed common sense, but I was also convicted on some of the flawed attitudes I had adopted.

[Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate this book so much - I can count on zero fingers the number of times I've heard a church lesson or message on the subject of singleness, or any reference to singleness in the church at all besides off hand "Of course, this can apply to singles too..." or jokes about how much easier the single life must be than oh-so-sanctifying marriage (with the implication that marriage makes you holier.)

I especially appreciate that it stays away from generalizations and recognizes that there is no one-size-fits-all version of singledom.

Highly recommended for all church leaders.

[Fayelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has to be one of the most helpful books I've ever read. Biblically sound, full of practical applications as well as addressing myths and gracefully exposing my own mistakes and misconceptions, every married person and church leader of any kind should read this.

[Gina Dalfonzo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wise, witty, honest, and thoughtful. Essential reading for anyone interested in singleness and the church.

[Megan Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book. I have to tell you, it really struck a nerve with me. I was once one of those singles struggling to find my place amongst the "smug marrieds" in the church. (I pulled the "smug marrieds" reference from BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY). Not any real truth to that phrase, but it was how I felt for many years. Ultimately, what Ruth Buchanan is saying in this book is that the church should be a place for EVERYONE, and singles shouldn't feel that they are somehow "lesser than" just because they aren't married. The book includes well-researched information, surveys, and anecdotes...and in true Ruth Buchanan style, there is humor! It's targeted at pastors and church leaders, but if you're single and you want to feel like someone gets you, read this book!

[Barbara M. Britton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ms. Buchanan shines light on the various groups of singles in the church and how to enfold them into congregation life. Her research was well-done and informative. I like how she notes that isolating singles in groups by themselves may make them feel like outliers in the church. You will check what you say to a single after reading this book. Words meant to be fun or helpful, may be hurtful. I am in a church with several singles. I have young adults in my family and this book challenges how I minister to those fellow Christians.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book so completely encapsulates my life. I’ve never felt so understood. Every temptation, every achievement, every resentment, every shared joy, in a way the periodic singleness articles that show up on the Gospel Coalition website just can’t.

“Perhaps caring for [my friends’ children] is preparing me for the “main point of life.” But right now it IS one of the main points. This work meets a need right now and is important in its own right. As such I should take it seriously regardless of what the future may or may not hold. Important lessons and tasks should never be reduced as possible preparation for some future ‘main thing.’ Whatever is in front of us right now IS the main thing. To see it as anything less is to devalue the task God’s entrusted to us today.”

This book is so on point Biblically, and is written from the perspective of someone still walking the older single life rather than the well-meaning but tone-deaf perspective of the long married theologian which usually just comes across as patronizing. It makes all the difference. I feel like I’ve just had a really really helpful counseling session with the older single mentor I’ve been desperately looking for.

I’d start handing it out to everyone I know except I know probably only a couple of single people would actually open it. Which is too bad because it’s really written to The Church about how to assimilate everyone, married, single, old, young, divorced, childless. No one is spared being called out on how they can improve in their role in the Body of Christ.

[Richard Cobb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Caring for the church means caring for singles

I first heard of Ruth when she was interviewed on the Worthy podcast and was so impressed with her dynamic communication. From there I looked into her books and found this on kindle. The price was very reasonable and I thought it would be worth giving a try.

Well it was worth more than what I paid for it. It was engaging and insightful. As a man who works for a church and is aspiring to more church leadership, I would say that this book should be given out and read widely within the whole church.

There is so much good content in here and it gets to the heart of caring for and leading well a sizable percentage of every church. And one of the best parts was the questions and action points at the end of the chapters. Learning is great, but what are you going to do with it.

Overall, I would highly recommend this book. Very engaging, funny, insightful, and challenging. Two thumbs up. 5 stars. All those things.

[Jubin Varghese · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a lovely book that talks about a group within the church that faces a lot of awkwardness in a myriad of ways (I'm referring to singles). And the book also gives insightful and actionable points that church leaders and married couples can implement to help these singles out. This book is for you if you want to learn the unique challenges singles face and ways to help them.

The author Ruth Buchanan, based this book on responses she received from a survey she conducted independently.

That's the first thing I appreciate.

The pains of carrying out the survey, sifting through responses and making it into a full book deserves respect.

Finally, Ruth's writing is something I enjoy (this is my third Ruth Buchanan book) and I love the different words she uses to convey her thoughts (I mean, many authors do that but I like the way this author does it).

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I plan to buy a physical copy to donate to my church library. I really wish every pastor, leader and married church person would read this book, it is THAT essential. Ruth is an excellent writer. She is engaging, wise, and knows her theology. I found myself nodding in agreement throughout the whole book. I especially appreciated the point of how church life should integrate every individual, regardless of sex, marital status, life stage, etc. I am not a fan of segregated ministry/church life, so I was shouting “amen” in my head. I also loved how she spoke to the issues of living in community (singles being intimately involved in the lives of families), male-female friendship, and the wonky ideology of purity culture. This book will be a tremendous help to the Church in understanding how to support and involve our single brothers and sisters. Recommended!

[Kendall Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is quite well done. I appreciated how the backbone of this book was based off of the survey research that she had done. This gave the book a lot of focus. Another one of the strengths of this book is that she represented the variety of experiences on singleness, e.g. never married, widowed, divorced, etc. She represented how she knew that singles feel about certain topics even when that differed with her own experience. That was very cool to see.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of good information here. Well researched and Biblically based.

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Singles should be valued as children of the King who have been crafted in the image of Christ just like other believers. They are unique members with distinct spiritual gifts and skill sets. Singles of all ages and backgrounds need to be seen, known, and loved—not as a group, “The Singles,” but as individuals with personally specific needs, hopes, dreams, and fears. They need to be spiritually challenged—not to become better spouses someday, but to become better suited as the Bride of Christ.”

I love how Buchanan continually circles back to the point quoted above. We are all—single, married, widowed, adult, youth, and children—being shaped into the image of Christ. God uses different circumstances and life experiences to form each person. This book can be a helpful tool in developing a mutually encouraging friendship between married and unmarried brothers and sisters in Christ.

[Kristen Parnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Buchanan provides practical insight for church leaders and members to help them reach Christian singles. She includes research and interviews to provide perspective and encourage an empathetic approach. I highly recommend this book for mentors and marrieds to help them understand the singles' perspective and struggles. I also highly recommend it for singles to help them realize they aren't alone and to discourage isolation. Both sides have a responsibility.

[Maria Elmvang · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm finding it difficult to review this book, because it's very well written and I can definitely see how it could be extremely relevant and important in some circumstances... but at the same time, I think perhaps Danish and US church community culture is very different, and as such I couldn't really relate to much of it.

[Melissa Cran · Rating 4 out of 5]

While the title made a few of my friends and myself giggle, I appreciated to approach of asking questions and trying to understand what Christians think about singleness.