Missing Mother: A Heartbreaking Story of Loss, Family Secrets and a Daughter's Search For Her Mother

by Barbara Bracht Donsky

“A triumphant story of a woman coming to terms with the loss of her mother and an inspiring, though haunting, testament to the endurance of the human spirit.” —Kirkus Reviews When young Barbara Bracht’s mother suddenly vanishes from her life, no one tells her that her mother has died while giving birth to her younger brother, Eddie. Her father is intent upon erasing any memory of his dead wife, but Barbara continues to believe that her mother is missing until a cousin finally tells her the truth. As the years of deception unravel, the tough and sassy Barbara struggles to pursue her own dreams and make peace with a crushing family secret. Offering hope, Missing Mother is a captivating story that asks us to consider what parents owe their children, and how far a child will go to keep the memory of her mother alive. 2017 IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Medal Winner 2017 National Indie Excellence Finalist Award 2017 Independent Press Award "Distinguished Favrite" 2017 Beverly Hills Book Awards Silver Medal 2016 Readers' Favorite Silver Medal

Genres: Nonfiction

336 pages, Paperback

Published July 4, 2017

Reviews

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Barbara Bracht Donsky was just three years old when her mother died, and no one told her. For years, the young girl thought her mother had disappeared, and kept thinking she would find her.

In her first book, Missing Mother: A Heartbreaking Story of Loss, Family Secrets, and a Daughter’s Search for Her Mother, Bracht Donsky tries to connect the loss of her mother with how her life evolved. While well-written and engaging, the connections made by the author are tenuous at best.

Following her mother’s death after the birth of her brother Eddie, Barbara, her father and brother moved in with her grandmother in the Bronx. When she was eight, her father remarried, and the family moved to Yonkers, a few kilometres away.

Most of the story is told in the present tense, an effective way of demonstrating the thoughts going through her mind at the time. As her story starts when she was very young, this allows the reader to better understand how a child could believe her mother had just gone missing.

After her father remarried, she was told to refer to her father’s new wife as her mother, not her stepmother. But when she did so in front of her older cousins, they told her that her real mother was dead.

"What did she say? My mother is dead? Stunned to the point of tears, my throat closes down. I want to shout — liar, liar, your pants are on fire! — but I can’t get the words out. Aunt Dot said that? My make-believe world with a happy ending crumbles like a sand castle at the beach."

Bracht Donsky never talked to her family about her mother. Eventually, the memories faded into the background, while the relationship with her parents grew more tense as she grew older.

She had hoped to go to university, but her father refused, telling her that it would be a waste of time and money since he expected her to be married within a few years. She got a job working for the telephone company while going to Fordham University by night, then ended up getting a job as an airline stewardess with TWA.

She talks briefly about her feelings of abandonment and how this kept her aloof and apart from others, but never really explains why her mother was written out of her family’s story. She focuses a great deal on her father’s family, but doesn’t mention why her connection with her mother’s family wasn’t maintained until the very end.

She never really talks about her mother outside her memory, either. While this means her story is very personal, she never gives a sense of who her mother was, which limits the connection the reader has to the story.

It’s a good book and an interesting story, but the content doesn’t match the title. Instead, Missing Mother somehow misses the mark, leaving more questions than answers.

(Printed in the Winnipeg Free Press: August 5, 2017)

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

"This isn't much of a review, but rather my own musings on the book and the author's experience in relation to my own story. In 1964, at age 3, I was taken from my mother and adopted into a relative's family three states away. With an entire extended family committed to silence because "she's too young to remember", I, too, went through life with a family secret hanging over my head, always quietly wondering about my "real" mother and origin. Always knowing that something wasn't quite right, but being assured that I was mistaken, I learned not only to mistrust others, but to mistrust myself. Thus, a lot of what Barbara writes about in this book resonated with me deeply.

I found the book very engaging and well-written. I only wish that she had gone further into her adult life, such as why she never had children of her own. I wish she would have confronted her father, too, since I never had that chance-- my adopted father died when I was 13, and my adopted mother when I was 16. I pretty much raised myself from that point on.

I've had my own issues with trust, immaturity, and relationships, and I also managed to rise above it all to some degree by being the first in my family to earn a Bachelor's degree and, later, a Master's degree. Still, the memory of being abandoned by parents--not once, but twice--and growing up in a household full of secrecy, shame, and abuse has forever left its dirty stain on my psyche.

I have always shouldered the responsibility for the decisions I've made in life, which has left me with a beaten and shattered concept of self and self-esteem (it's your own fault, Kathy). It's only recently that I read a quote from another book about how much the choices we make in life are shaped by choices we DIDN'T get to make--choices that others made for us. That thought has given me some measure of peace from bearing the brunt and blame of all the decisions that others had made for me as a child.

I still struggle with trust, responsibility, and relationships as an adult. However, I own that, despite it all, I have done reasonably well in life and I continue to work diligently to focus on the future and not the past. Like Paul the Apostle, I know that the loss, shame, and secrecy of my childhood will always be a "thorn in my side" from which I will never truly be freed. But I can accept it, do my best to understand it and learn from it, and move forward into the future.

Thank you, Barbara, for a lovely and meaningful memoir." KWM

[Marilyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book about childhood loss of a parent (through death). It's about the way adults neglect to bring children into the family story. Children are often left to try to figure life and death out with little or no guidance from the adults in their families. It is also a story about courage - the courage to venture out into the world in the direction of one's choosing despite what the elders in one's family say about it.

I enjoyed Barbara Donsky's style of storytelling. For me, this book was a page-turner when very few books hold my attention to the end.

[Book Grocer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Purchase Missing Mother here for just $3!

Barbara Bracht’s mother suddenly vanishes from her life, no one tells her that her mother has died while giving birth to her younger brother, Eddie. A beautifully written bio with a elegant poetic style and vivid scenarios. Missing Mother is an honest and true expression of grief.

Tony - The Book Grocer

[Tina T. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Missing Mother is a deeply moving and unforgettable memoir about grief, silence, and the lifelong impact of truth withheld. Barbara Donsky tells her story with raw honesty and emotional strength, capturing the confusion of a child left searching for a mother she was never allowed to mourn.

Heartbreaking yet ultimately empowering, this book explores family secrets, resilience, and the unbreakable bond between mother and daughter. A powerful must read for anyone drawn to stories of loss, healing, and the courage it takes to reclaim one’s past.

[Sarah Brooks · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is misleading by its cover.
While it wasn’t a badly written book it was a memoir of a pretty average woman, with a pretty average life
Yes she lost her mother when she was small without explanation which I am sure was a challenge to understand, but beyond that she has a loving support system and family.
Presenting the book as a survival story is a bit of a stretch.
I am glad Barbara had had a good life. I am glad she felt empowered writing her story but it is not what it appeared to be which is why my rating is low.

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this in one sitting over a few hours - I didn't want to couldn't put it down. Mrs Donsky does a great job drawing the reader into the story & allows you to feel what she was feeling at that time in her life. I think she did a great job bringing the reader along her life's journey & I highly recommend this book.

[Paula Daniels · Rating 4 out of 5]

not totally satisfied with conclusion of this book

[Vanessa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Found this book very boring and hard to read did not enjoy it

[Sugarrr · Rating 5 out of 5]

So I started this book last night and finished today before noon. It was that good!
This is one of the best memoirs I've read, hands down.

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So it wasn't just about her mother which I expected , it was more her own life story . I loved how engrossing this book was , it made me feel like I was right there with her, such good writing !! I also loved to read about how life used to be so many years ago , especially growing up being a woman, personal and working life. It's different now but back then women didn't have all the rights we have now or it wasn't as normal as it is today , like when her father told her girls couldn't become a dentist........
The story of her mother and how she lost her , not knowing at first she wasn't coming back really touched me to tears, I am myself a mother and couldn't imagine the pain and confusion and unfairness of it all. Just thinking about it brings me to tears.
I loved reading about her years as a flight attendant , it sounded very glamorous and exciting !!

The ending about her visiting her mothers grave felt deeply moving to me and a great ending to the book .

And I have to say it again. The writing style of this memoir is SUPERB !!! It's what made this memoir a 5 star book.

[Melissa Novak Massé · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was okay. I was actually surprised there wasn't more of a search for her mother. It is more a memoir in which the author tells about her life and pops in a few bits about missing her mother.

I enjoyed the story itself, I was just expecting more revelations about the mother.

There surely must have been other details the author could have uncovered besides her final resting place. Why exactly did she die? Perhaps she could have talked with some of her mother's friends to learn more about her. The author shares a few idealized memories of her mother, but we really don't get to learn who her mother was at all.

[Theresa]

you can't help but root for a kid who identifies with Nancy Drew. I also lived in the world of George and Bess and the roadster. I think Barbara must be about my age. I could be her twin in my Grade two Catholic school uniform. I was so glad she figured herself out.