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The Polyamory Handbook: A User's Guide
You've probably heard of polyamory-expanded loving relationships, done openly and honestly. Maybe you've had caring feelings for someone else even though you love your spouse or partner as deeply as always. Maybe you're single; you want a committed relationship with someone; but you don't want to give up the freedom to date others with integrity. Maybe you and your spouse or partner already live a polyamorous lifestyle-but sometimes you aren't sure how to proceed. Maybe the two of you would like to bring a third partner, or more, into your hearts and home as a triad, quad, etc., but you aren't sure how to go about it. Maybe you are already a family of three, four, or more, but the complex interpersonal dynamics threaten to overwhelm you. In these pages you'll find guidance about-Ø what polyamory is and is not; Ø communication, conflict resolution, and emotional growth; Ø ethical considerations; Ø sexual hygiene; Ø children; Ø wills, discrimination, and legal hassles; and much more. Whether you are well experienced with polyamory, or new at it, or curious about it, you'll find answers here, all conveniently arranged in numbered sections for easy reference. The author has had many decades of experience living various forms of polyamory, including in a multi-adult household, in a polyamorous couple, and as a secondary. He is co-founder of three local polyamory groups and has led workshops at various polyamory conferences.
392 pages, Paperback
First published March 24, 2008
6 people are currently reading
145 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
February 24, 2013
Contains some very good information, but definitely repetitive and too detailed at times. I found the chapter on how to tell your primary partner you have cheated on them almost painfully simplistic. I just cannot imagine a discussion about infidelity ever ending with a "good thrashing of the mattress", but maybe that's just me. And while I understand the author's desire to protect the primary relationship while having secondary partners, the hierarchy does bother me a little. It doesn't seem entirely ethical to me to relegate people to "less important status". I agree with the writer that although one can feel as strongly for a secondary partner as one does for a primary, allocation of time and resources have to differ. I'm just not sure I could feel good about those differences since people's emotions are involved. But overall, more food for an open mind.
October 12, 2012
Very repetative at times. At some points it also seemed as if this were written with the lowest intelligence user in mind. Good stuff though and written so that everyone can understand the points he is trying to get across. That said, I personally don't know how prevalent things of this nature truly are, but it would make for some fun things to write about none the less.
Worth reading if you're really thinking about it or if you know someone who is "in the lifestyle". Otherwise, there are probably more constructive things to read.
Worth reading if you're really thinking about it or if you know someone who is "in the lifestyle". Otherwise, there are probably more constructive things to read.
March 13, 2025
I don't know if this was the straw that broke the camel's back or something else such as something regarding my multiple concurrent health difficulties but there definitely has been strife in all of my friendships and relationships. I might want to just let this book go, even with its happy yellow cover, and finally get the bookmark back. I think hearing I was interested in this lifestyle more hurt the feelings of my "primary intended" friend than anything else, so it was really awkward all the years I had it.
Oh, I should actually announce what exactly "Polyamory" is, as defined by this community, as that word is not actually commonly used, due to the confusing mixture of linguistic roots! My friend seemed to be very upset with me because he did not seem to like that this community appeared to prefer to use a mixture of Greek and Latin to refer to itself - loving more than one at the same time. But it isn't my fault, it is what is in the book. There are a couple of other books about this.
So this book goes through all the "ethical considerations" of various permutations of human relations. And I found it interesting, but only in the sociological sense. I took Sociology about concurrently with Ethics in undergrad school. I think it's weird. But I guess some people are really into kind of thing, or at least each other. Suum cuique, right?
Oh, I should actually announce what exactly "Polyamory" is, as defined by this community, as that word is not actually commonly used, due to the confusing mixture of linguistic roots! My friend seemed to be very upset with me because he did not seem to like that this community appeared to prefer to use a mixture of Greek and Latin to refer to itself - loving more than one at the same time. But it isn't my fault, it is what is in the book. There are a couple of other books about this.
So this book goes through all the "ethical considerations" of various permutations of human relations. And I found it interesting, but only in the sociological sense. I took Sociology about concurrently with Ethics in undergrad school. I think it's weird. But I guess some people are really into kind of thing, or at least each other. Suum cuique, right?
September 27, 2013
I am unsure how I feel about this book. On one hand, it is great to have poly literature out on the market, and the author has a very great number of good suggestions and strategies for dealing with poly relationships that don’t necessarily make it in the same detail into other poly books. On the other hand, I feel as if the author does have some viewpoints or basic assumptions about poly relationships that make me a little uncomfortable, which might make me shy away from recommending this book to a beginner.
What this book does exceedingly well is talk a lot about personal growth and spiritual dynamics and relationships as a whole, rather than just focusing on poly. In our society we are not often taught successful strategies for dealing with relationships, and many relationships end up on autopilot after some time. The author does a great job of introducing the reader to some basic and mature ways of communicating and resolving conflicts. The only weakness in these explanations is that I feel that sometimes the author overlooks the possibility that not all parties involved may have such a fine grasp on mature and ethical communication. For instance, in coming clean about an affair, he suggests that the secondary should have no right to keep their identity hidden and that the cheater should freely give “at least a first name” of the person with whom they are having an affair to their primary partner. While in most cases, I think this is fairly okay, I would be wary of not including a caution. Sometimes expressions of infidelity can lead to violence against the “homewrecker.” If the cheating partner feels that this may be a risk to their “secondary” or the person with whom they are having an affair, I don’t think it is ethical or wise to supply this information to the cheated on partner, at least until tempers have had a time to cool and they can be assured that there is no danger to the other partner.
I also really liked the inclusion of legal considerations. I think that the amount of detail was appropriate to the beginning level of such a book, and the author may consider a book of legal considerations at some point in more detail, more finely fleshed out, and with more resources in that regard. With a growing poly movement, these issues are becoming more and more important, and there isn’t a book yet that focuses specifically on these things.
The biggest issue I have with this book is the focus on the primary/secondary model and what seems like a complete lack of acknowledgement of the possibility of breaking up a relationship. While many poly relationships do try a primary/secondary model to begin with (the main or primary couple takes priority over everything, no questions asked), many poly folk are attempting coprimary models (individuals date of their own volition while being considerate of their existing relationships, but with no guarantee of control or veto or moratorium just because a conflict arises). While it is very important to maintain and nourish the health of one’s existing relationships, I think it is important to remember that there are individuals involved that operate as beings separate from their relationships and that even if an outside relationship is “secondary” it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a certain level of importance or commitment to it that may not ethically lend itself to just being cut off the minute there is a ripple in the “primary” relationship. If it has been agreed upon that one couple functions as a primary and that it gets absolute priority over everything else, that is one thing, but I don’t think this is a good baseline assumption to repeatedly stress throughout a book such as this. Not all poly couples operate this way, nor do all poly couples think it is a healthy way for them to go about their relationships. The author does indicate that others may eventually become primaries, but only in the context of the original primary couple(s) deciding as a unit. There are existing poly relationships where each individual can choose whether or not to consider extra relationships primary or otherwise.
Though the author does have a small section dedicated to “growing out of relationships,” I think that the possibility of a breakup should be more prominent and clear throughout all conflict resolution sections as an option. I was happy to finally see the section that addressed the breakup, but it came very late in the book and didn’t seem to consider it an option throughout most of the rest of any discussion. Poly is a game changer for many people. It can be viewed as an orientation or as a choice, but people do always have the choice if they really want the lifestyle and they may wish to choose the lifestyle over the existing relationship. There may be more reasons for this than just poly incompatibility (general unhealthy dynamics, etc.), but poly may be the deciding factor. I think that the authors avoidance of the issue until very late in the book suggests something of a moral inclination toward ALWAYS doing whatever it takes to preserve the existing relationship, and I am not sure that this is a good pressure to put on the reader. Sometimes existing relationships are unhealthy. Sometimes there are other issues that make it a better idea for members of a couple to go their separate ways. While the author doesn’t necessarily preclude things like this, the tone, phrasing, and way the author addresses conflicts seems to create this bias. It would be nice to see more inclusion of incompatibility as something that can happen in relationships and that not all relationships can be saved.
Overall, I think there are some quality things in this book. Other than what I believe to be a somewhat narrow view of the priority of the primary relationship and what seems like a bias against terminating relationships, I think this book has a lot of great information in it.
What this book does exceedingly well is talk a lot about personal growth and spiritual dynamics and relationships as a whole, rather than just focusing on poly. In our society we are not often taught successful strategies for dealing with relationships, and many relationships end up on autopilot after some time. The author does a great job of introducing the reader to some basic and mature ways of communicating and resolving conflicts. The only weakness in these explanations is that I feel that sometimes the author overlooks the possibility that not all parties involved may have such a fine grasp on mature and ethical communication. For instance, in coming clean about an affair, he suggests that the secondary should have no right to keep their identity hidden and that the cheater should freely give “at least a first name” of the person with whom they are having an affair to their primary partner. While in most cases, I think this is fairly okay, I would be wary of not including a caution. Sometimes expressions of infidelity can lead to violence against the “homewrecker.” If the cheating partner feels that this may be a risk to their “secondary” or the person with whom they are having an affair, I don’t think it is ethical or wise to supply this information to the cheated on partner, at least until tempers have had a time to cool and they can be assured that there is no danger to the other partner.
I also really liked the inclusion of legal considerations. I think that the amount of detail was appropriate to the beginning level of such a book, and the author may consider a book of legal considerations at some point in more detail, more finely fleshed out, and with more resources in that regard. With a growing poly movement, these issues are becoming more and more important, and there isn’t a book yet that focuses specifically on these things.
The biggest issue I have with this book is the focus on the primary/secondary model and what seems like a complete lack of acknowledgement of the possibility of breaking up a relationship. While many poly relationships do try a primary/secondary model to begin with (the main or primary couple takes priority over everything, no questions asked), many poly folk are attempting coprimary models (individuals date of their own volition while being considerate of their existing relationships, but with no guarantee of control or veto or moratorium just because a conflict arises). While it is very important to maintain and nourish the health of one’s existing relationships, I think it is important to remember that there are individuals involved that operate as beings separate from their relationships and that even if an outside relationship is “secondary” it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a certain level of importance or commitment to it that may not ethically lend itself to just being cut off the minute there is a ripple in the “primary” relationship. If it has been agreed upon that one couple functions as a primary and that it gets absolute priority over everything else, that is one thing, but I don’t think this is a good baseline assumption to repeatedly stress throughout a book such as this. Not all poly couples operate this way, nor do all poly couples think it is a healthy way for them to go about their relationships. The author does indicate that others may eventually become primaries, but only in the context of the original primary couple(s) deciding as a unit. There are existing poly relationships where each individual can choose whether or not to consider extra relationships primary or otherwise.
Though the author does have a small section dedicated to “growing out of relationships,” I think that the possibility of a breakup should be more prominent and clear throughout all conflict resolution sections as an option. I was happy to finally see the section that addressed the breakup, but it came very late in the book and didn’t seem to consider it an option throughout most of the rest of any discussion. Poly is a game changer for many people. It can be viewed as an orientation or as a choice, but people do always have the choice if they really want the lifestyle and they may wish to choose the lifestyle over the existing relationship. There may be more reasons for this than just poly incompatibility (general unhealthy dynamics, etc.), but poly may be the deciding factor. I think that the authors avoidance of the issue until very late in the book suggests something of a moral inclination toward ALWAYS doing whatever it takes to preserve the existing relationship, and I am not sure that this is a good pressure to put on the reader. Sometimes existing relationships are unhealthy. Sometimes there are other issues that make it a better idea for members of a couple to go their separate ways. While the author doesn’t necessarily preclude things like this, the tone, phrasing, and way the author addresses conflicts seems to create this bias. It would be nice to see more inclusion of incompatibility as something that can happen in relationships and that not all relationships can be saved.
Overall, I think there are some quality things in this book. Other than what I believe to be a somewhat narrow view of the priority of the primary relationship and what seems like a bias against terminating relationships, I think this book has a lot of great information in it.
January 3, 2015
Informative for someone/people new to polyamory, but nothing you couldn't, and probably haven't researched yourself if you are already looking into this lifestyle.
Would definatly recommend it to a total newbie though. xxx
Would definatly recommend it to a total newbie though. xxx
January 27, 2015
A little heteronormative for my taste, but interesting read none the less
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews