A Sad and Sorry State of Disorder: A Journey into Borderline Personality Disorder

by Tracy Barker

[This] is me offering hope, if that is what is needed, whether you suffer from borderline personality disorder or care for someone who does. It is me making an effort to raise awareness of this very misunderstood mental illness. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is often considered difficult, if not impossible to treat by medical professionals. This can make the situation seem hopeless to those who are diagnosed with BPD. Based on her own experience of living with BPD, Tracy Barker shares how she has learned to manage the condition and live a full life. With poetry used to capture her lowest moments, this book gives an unfiltered look into life with BPD. Tracy shares how she has gone from being in full-time therapy to happily married, offering hope to those living with BPD, and providing awareness of the condition to their families and friends.

Genres: Nonfiction

96 pages, Paperback

Published June 21, 2017

About the author

Tracy Barker is no stranger to therapy – counselling, psychotherapy, psychiatric assessments, even research based-therapy, short term and long term. But it was the 18 months spent in a full-time Therapeutic Community that had the most lasting and life-changing influence.

She spent the next few years building on her new foundations, becoming an Expert by Experience on how to live with and manage Borderline Personality Disorder.

Now Tracy is happily married and enjoys writing, blending in with society, and exploring the countryside with her two dogs, somewhere near Oxford. This is her first book.

You can follow her on Facebook & Twitter: @thetracybarker

Reviews

[Ben Ballin · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a pleasure it was to read this honest and heartfelt book. I learned a lot from it: not just about the author, and about 'borderline' (though I learned plenty about both), but also to some extent about myself, because much of what resides within its pages strikes a chord in the lives of those of us whose 'ordinary' lives, anxieties and feelings have not been pathologised.
The author writes eloquently about what a struggle being a 'borderliner' has been, but importantly makes it possible for a general reader to make a connection, drawing them in with empathy and a degree of understanding.
The book is clear, well-formed, moving, well-structured, its narrative thread working well with occasional personal poems: the two forms reinforcing each other, and bouncing off the medical jargon that is used to frame each section heading. It tells a powerful story very clearly, without self-indulgence (despite being such a personal testimony) and makes for thoughtful and enriching reading.

[Inken · Rating 4 out of 5]

I will try very hard to write a good review that doesn't sound condescending, clumsy or self-absorbed. I should say firstly that I do know Tracy and consider her to be a friend, but she didn't give me the book (I bought it) and she has not asked me to review it.

This is an outstanding book. Tracy's writing is searingly honest and very eloquent. The poems are heartfelt and, in some cases, piercing. I, like so many others, had no real understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder and how destructive, not to mention exhausting, it must be for the sufferers. As someone with a really shitty temper that can explode out of nowhere over the most trivial things, I have come to understand the damage this can cause to myself and my relationships so I have great sympathy for that part of the Disorder, but there are so many other aspects I was ignorant of until now. Tracy has been very open and honest without being self-pitying and I think she is extremely brave.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I have recently been diagnosed with BPD, and have struggled to find literature that explains BPD in a way that I understand. Tracy’s experiences resonate so clearly with my own, that I at last felt validated. It’s written in such a beautiful way, and everyone with BDP should read it. Especially therapists and doctors, who sometimes forget that there is a person behind the diagnosis. Thank you Tracy for giving me a voice.

[Becky Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

if anyone is curious about how a person diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder thinks and functions, this is a great book.

such a brave and amazing woman, Tracy Barker, tells us her story. Step by step through the NIMH (English version of DSM-5 ) she gives evidence to why she fits the diagnosis.

[Jennifer (Jena) Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heavy but easy to read. Beautiful poetry woven throughout.

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very powerful and true raw insight into bpd the extremely difficult lows to them moments of pure mania and happiness a very well relatable book that truly does touch on all aspects of the most painful mental disorders someone can struggle with.

[Debbi Barton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was fortunate enough to be invited the Herts Mind Network AGM yesterday where Tracy was our guest speaker.

What a truly inspirational speaker who relived her life for us over a period of 45 minutes. Sad, horrific in places, but outstandingly motivational. Her story tells of how you must cling to hope at all costs.

I volunteer in the mental health arena and wanted to educate myself on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD not the nicest of titles). This book will give you a first hand insight of what it is like to live (or manage as Tracy calls it) with BPD. This done through her life experiences and her heart-rending poetry.

A must read for anyone suffering, caring for or working with those with BPD.

It is a disorder that little is known of it, so I look forward to your next installment. You are amazing.

[M W · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tracy‘s poetry is screaming for a wider audience. My daughter’s risk-taking behavior was extreme enough at age 12 that I felt I needed to mentally prepare myself for outliving her. This entails creating a wall of protection for yourself while still trying to be available for a loved one that is in intense emotional pain. Her BPD diagnosis didn’t come for at least ten more years.

Tracy’s poems give rise to what others are feeling. Feelings they need to share but don’t know how. Remember the old cell phone commercial of someone trying to get a good signal, saying, “Can you hear me now?” Self mutilation sends the signal loud and clear that something is terribly, terribly wrong. However, it doesn’t mean you know the solution. It was my daughter’s entry ticket into a residential care facility for a year. Not a perfect solution, but the school required the family to be involved in their own homework, recognizing the crisis and chaos extended into the family. It kept her alive and gave other family members a chance to catch their breath before continuing a more normal existence a year later. Perhaps this book, this poetry, can help a family before it gets to that point, or support the decision that they need this level of professional help to deal with the issue.

Spend a couple of hours reading the prose. Then spend time sharing these words of wisdom with everyone you know that needs to see and hear them. Then come back and read the poems. Then read them again. Maybe even write your own.

(Spoiler alert: My story has a happy ending, just like Tracy’s does. I know of others who can’t say the same.)

[Finlay Games · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a brave and inspiring book. Tracy skillfully takes us into the world of a person with BPD, an often misunderstood diagnosis, with beautiful insight, poetry, and artful humor. A must-read for anyone trying to understand BPD and a ray of inspiration for those making their way in the world with BPD.

[MRS JANE MANSELL · Rating 5 out of 5]

Straightforward description of living with bpd

This is a short book with an easy read style that enables the reader to gain understanding of what bpd feels like. Useful for those with bpd and those who care for family and friends with the disorder.

[Maureen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very quick read and it would sure help a lot of BPD people if they could have 18months of inpatient therapy.

[John Pannell · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very courageous writer.

I read this book in one sitting but know that I will return to it again and again. Tracy writes very well and I was gripped by her journey. The very honest text is interspersed with poetry, which is gut-wrenchingly honest. I recommend this book to anyone with BPD, or who treats it or who wants to learn how this affects someone. The five stars I have given the book are well deserved.

[D. Barker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent resource for interpreters when want to understand the processes of the mental health system as well as seeing inside the mind of a person with mental health issues. It’s insightful, honest, clearly laid out, and cites the Criterion against which the professionals judge whether a person has a mental health condition. Highly recommended.