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259 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 17, 2017
"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional."
Dalai Lama
“I guess most parents don’t really want to think about their daughter having sex.”
"But it’s okay for their sons?" She pounces on my words, her chin lifting.
"I didn’t say that…but you’re right, there probably is a double standard there."
"Sure. Guys who like to have sex are studs. Girls who like to have sex are sluts. Why should it be different?"
"Not gonna argue with you on that." I hold up my hands.
She slumps a little. "Sorry. Slut-shaming is a hot button for me."
"It’s totally normal. When people start to live again and enjoy their life, they often feel they’re betraying the loved one they’ve lost."
I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to listen to this.
"You can’t replace what you lost." Her tone is so even and reassuring I can’t help but let the words filter through my sudden tension. "But you can make connections, have new relationships, new inter-dependencies. Denying your feelings doesn’t help…you should listen to them."
"I never wanted to talk about Ariana to you. I thought maybe it would bother you."
"That I’d be jealous?"
"I guess."
"Well, as a psychologist I can tell you that jealousy is about a fear of losing something you have to someone else. How could I be jealous of her?" I touch his face. "I could be envious, though, of what you two had. And maybe I was a little."
I believe it’s because we had both reached the place in our lives where we were ready for this…even though it took Max a while to realize that. We’ve both been through tough times—hurt and heartbreak and disappointment. We’ve both used those challenges to grow and learn more about ourselves. It’s taken me years to truly know that I can’t fix everyone.
That the only person I can save is myself.
That the only person I can control is myself. And that I can meet my needs for support, love, and affection in ways other than by trying to fix others.






"Don’t apologize for safe sex."
Kendra was the first woman I’ve slept with since Ariana died and I can be grateful to her for making it so good. Now I’ve done it, I can sleep with someone else. The girl beside me is attractive. She’s clearly interested in me. Why not take her home and fuck her?
The truth is…” I pause and lower my voice. “I’m never going to love someone again the way I loved Ariana.”
Yeah, I thought about hooking up with other women. I had chances. I just wasn’t feeling it.
My wife just died sixteen months ago. She was the love of my life. I’ll never love someone like that again,
But no matter how much time passes, I’ll never forget her and I’ll never stop loving her.
“I can’t replace Ariana. I won’t replace Ariana.”
I’ve fucking hurt her because I can’t love her back. Because I can’t betray my wife.

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