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How to Get the Death You Want: A Practical and Moral Guide
A comprehensive manual for those reaching the end of life, and for their friends, relatives, advocates, and caretakers. Abraham describes in detail the challenges faced by those who wish to avoid months or years of painful treatment after losing hope of ever recovering any reasonable quality of life.
Subjects
the nature of physical death;
legal documents to clarify one’s wishes;
the need for a strong advocate to have the patient’s wishes honored;
moral issues that must be considered;
means of dying painlessly once the decision is made;
and much more, including how to respond to reluctant doctors, and the value of humor in communicating with a dying patient.
Subjects
the nature of physical death;
legal documents to clarify one’s wishes;
the need for a strong advocate to have the patient’s wishes honored;
moral issues that must be considered;
means of dying painlessly once the decision is made;
and much more, including how to respond to reluctant doctors, and the value of humor in communicating with a dying patient.
- GenresDeathNonfiction
192 pages, Paperback
Published July 27, 2021
40 people are currently reading
111 people want to read
About the author
John Abraham
2 booksJohn L. Abraham, M.Div., F.T., a retired Episcopal Priest and Certified Fellow in Thanatology, is a professional speaker, trainer and consultant with more than forty years of experience as a counselor, patient care advocate, and health care administrator. He has worked in hospitals, hospices, religious institutions, schools, and social service agencies.
During his active ministry, John led ten diverse congregations. Many of these church groups posed significant challenges.
John has given presentations to many professional organizations such as: hospice staff, nurses, paramedics, social workers, police, clergy, emergency care givers, home health staff, nursing home and assisted living staff, educators and others. He is the author of several chapters of death-related books and numerous such articles, and has also published in the journals Thanatos, Omega, and several nationwide newsletters.
His experience in many different disciplines gives John a truly holistic perspective that takes into consideration our physical, psychological, and spiritual dimensions. He is a dynamic instructor who has presented workshops for institutions in ten states. He also offers a host of specialty services to cater to the unique needs of his clients. John serves a wide range of individuals, corporations, partnerships, and non-profit organizations.
Regarding death with dignity issues: John has been involved in leadership positions with the Hemlock Society, and its organizational successors, since Hemlock’s inception. He served as State Executive Director of End-of-Life Choices Arizona (an affiliate of the national Compassion & Choices) from February, 2004 through October, 2006, and currently serves as President of Choice and Dignity, Inc.
During his active ministry, John led ten diverse congregations. Many of these church groups posed significant challenges.
John has given presentations to many professional organizations such as: hospice staff, nurses, paramedics, social workers, police, clergy, emergency care givers, home health staff, nursing home and assisted living staff, educators and others. He is the author of several chapters of death-related books and numerous such articles, and has also published in the journals Thanatos, Omega, and several nationwide newsletters.
His experience in many different disciplines gives John a truly holistic perspective that takes into consideration our physical, psychological, and spiritual dimensions. He is a dynamic instructor who has presented workshops for institutions in ten states. He also offers a host of specialty services to cater to the unique needs of his clients. John serves a wide range of individuals, corporations, partnerships, and non-profit organizations.
Regarding death with dignity issues: John has been involved in leadership positions with the Hemlock Society, and its organizational successors, since Hemlock’s inception. He served as State Executive Director of End-of-Life Choices Arizona (an affiliate of the national Compassion & Choices) from February, 2004 through October, 2006, and currently serves as President of Choice and Dignity, Inc.
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
February 6, 2017
I received an e-ARC of this book through NetGalley and Independent Book Publishers Association (IBPA). Thank you.
At my time of life I am seeing more and more of my friends and acquaintances dealing with serious health issues. I am also attending more and more funerals. None of this is pleasant, but it has brought home to me how much the same these deaths are and yet how completely different each one has been. I find I have a lot of questions. This book has answered many of those questions in a practical way which allows for dealing with situations in a more knowledgeable and sympathetic manner.
This is not a book presented from any religious viewpoint. The author, John Abraham, was an Episcopal Priest for most of his adult life but he states he is no longer active in that capacity. Instead he now is a thanatologist - a person who specializes in the study of death related issues. The first six chapters of this book puts the focus on how terminal illness and death are treated in our society, philosophical expressions from the author and others on what death or a possible life after death means, and how to satisfy yourself on your feelings concerning your own death as well as loved ones and friends. This portion of the book was interesting to me, but I wanted more facts, solid information I could read to give me ideas of what might be ahead in the form of actions.
Beginning with the seventh chapter I found what I was looking for, the practical realities of dealing with what happens when death is either eminent or has already taken place. There is a huge amount of information regarding how a person with a diagnosis of terminal illness needs to talk to their family, their friends, their doctors. Even if you don't need to ask every question on these lists, you do need to see the words to be sure you have taken that item into consideration. What would you do if someone asked you to be their advocate as they are going through the hospital or hospice stage of dying? How would I go about choosing an advocate for myself? What legal liabilities does an advocate have? What legal rights do patients actually have and how do patients make sure their wishes are being carried out? What is the benefit of a Durable Medical Health Care Power of Attorney? What benefit can a patient expect if they have a Living Will? You will be very surprised by most of the information you read in this book. I know I was. Who is truly in charge of your care as you are dying?
There are probably not many people who get up one morning and suddenly decide they want to read a book about making all possible arrangements for their death. No, neither did I, but I have witnessed the anguish of family members and close friends who never gave much thought to what would happen when their body had deteriorated to such a degree that they could not abide the thought of living any longer. For them the preparation time, even thinking about making the preparations, was long past. If this book can do nothing else but open the eyes of readers to what problems they might face in the future, it will have been well worth the time it takes to read it. I had a very close friend who had been ill for a long time and it was obvious that he was not going to get better. I asked him how he was feeling that particular day and his answer surprised me. He said, "I just want it to be over, no more tests, no more hospitals. I just want to go home." How would you react to a statement like that? After reading this book my reaction for any future similar situation will be greatly different.
At my time of life I am seeing more and more of my friends and acquaintances dealing with serious health issues. I am also attending more and more funerals. None of this is pleasant, but it has brought home to me how much the same these deaths are and yet how completely different each one has been. I find I have a lot of questions. This book has answered many of those questions in a practical way which allows for dealing with situations in a more knowledgeable and sympathetic manner.
This is not a book presented from any religious viewpoint. The author, John Abraham, was an Episcopal Priest for most of his adult life but he states he is no longer active in that capacity. Instead he now is a thanatologist - a person who specializes in the study of death related issues. The first six chapters of this book puts the focus on how terminal illness and death are treated in our society, philosophical expressions from the author and others on what death or a possible life after death means, and how to satisfy yourself on your feelings concerning your own death as well as loved ones and friends. This portion of the book was interesting to me, but I wanted more facts, solid information I could read to give me ideas of what might be ahead in the form of actions.
Beginning with the seventh chapter I found what I was looking for, the practical realities of dealing with what happens when death is either eminent or has already taken place. There is a huge amount of information regarding how a person with a diagnosis of terminal illness needs to talk to their family, their friends, their doctors. Even if you don't need to ask every question on these lists, you do need to see the words to be sure you have taken that item into consideration. What would you do if someone asked you to be their advocate as they are going through the hospital or hospice stage of dying? How would I go about choosing an advocate for myself? What legal liabilities does an advocate have? What legal rights do patients actually have and how do patients make sure their wishes are being carried out? What is the benefit of a Durable Medical Health Care Power of Attorney? What benefit can a patient expect if they have a Living Will? You will be very surprised by most of the information you read in this book. I know I was. Who is truly in charge of your care as you are dying?
There are probably not many people who get up one morning and suddenly decide they want to read a book about making all possible arrangements for their death. No, neither did I, but I have witnessed the anguish of family members and close friends who never gave much thought to what would happen when their body had deteriorated to such a degree that they could not abide the thought of living any longer. For them the preparation time, even thinking about making the preparations, was long past. If this book can do nothing else but open the eyes of readers to what problems they might face in the future, it will have been well worth the time it takes to read it. I had a very close friend who had been ill for a long time and it was obvious that he was not going to get better. I asked him how he was feeling that particular day and his answer surprised me. He said, "I just want it to be over, no more tests, no more hospitals. I just want to go home." How would you react to a statement like that? After reading this book my reaction for any future similar situation will be greatly different.
April 10, 2017
This is a book that everyone should read. It was written by an Episcopal priest but in no way pushes religion at you. All of us should have some type of plan as to how we want the end of our life to be.
It was particularly interesting and heartbreaking to me. My mom didn't want to make any plans other than cremation and no funeral. The hard decisions were ignored. She did not want to die and that was that! She a heart attack and then congestive heart failure. This happened in February 2014, and she was gone in July. She had no advocate. Dad was in the nursing home with her. He has dementia and could not make any decisions.
As her health weakened, she still would not tell us what to do. Her sister is the type of person who believes if there is life in her finger, then anything and everything should be done to keep her alive. It doesn't matter that she is suffering which I totally disagree with!
One evening I was called to see if my brother would sign POLST, comfort care. I live in another state so he called and told me he couldn't do because she smiled at him and talked. At this point, she was too weak to feed herself, her legs were weeping, oxygen for breathing. I talked to the nurse who said he doesn't see her cry in pain just trying to move her or gasping for air. She wanted him to think all was fine.
The next day, I called and talked to the social worker. She faxed the paper for me to sign. It was a hard decision but one that I felt should be done. Why should Mom suffer? So all meds were stopped and she was just given morphine for the pain. I only told my husband I was doing this. The rest of the family would have tore me up. As oldest child, I did so my mom wouldn't suffer. I did feel guilty until a hospice nurse told me to think of it as the final gift I could give my mother. Which I thought was a beautiful way of putting it.
This is book was excellent and so very helpful. I have my final days planned since I do not want to go through what Mom went through. I would highly recommend this book, you will learn so much.
* I was provided an ARC from the publisher and NetGalley. I voluntarily read and reviewed this book.
It was particularly interesting and heartbreaking to me. My mom didn't want to make any plans other than cremation and no funeral. The hard decisions were ignored. She did not want to die and that was that! She a heart attack and then congestive heart failure. This happened in February 2014, and she was gone in July. She had no advocate. Dad was in the nursing home with her. He has dementia and could not make any decisions.
As her health weakened, she still would not tell us what to do. Her sister is the type of person who believes if there is life in her finger, then anything and everything should be done to keep her alive. It doesn't matter that she is suffering which I totally disagree with!
One evening I was called to see if my brother would sign POLST, comfort care. I live in another state so he called and told me he couldn't do because she smiled at him and talked. At this point, she was too weak to feed herself, her legs were weeping, oxygen for breathing. I talked to the nurse who said he doesn't see her cry in pain just trying to move her or gasping for air. She wanted him to think all was fine.
The next day, I called and talked to the social worker. She faxed the paper for me to sign. It was a hard decision but one that I felt should be done. Why should Mom suffer? So all meds were stopped and she was just given morphine for the pain. I only told my husband I was doing this. The rest of the family would have tore me up. As oldest child, I did so my mom wouldn't suffer. I did feel guilty until a hospice nurse told me to think of it as the final gift I could give my mother. Which I thought was a beautiful way of putting it.
This is book was excellent and so very helpful. I have my final days planned since I do not want to go through what Mom went through. I would highly recommend this book, you will learn so much.
* I was provided an ARC from the publisher and NetGalley. I voluntarily read and reviewed this book.
November 16, 2017
Overall an informative read. Though, could have benefited from a stronger editor. But, found it a useful source of information regarding planning for end of life. The biggest a-ha! for me was really understanding that planning for end of life right now means planning for current me, not old lady me; now have a big to-do list of considerations to plan accordingly. And, this book was helpful to that end, but found it a chore to get through.
May 10, 2022
This rather poorly written book seemingly has one main goal: drumming up support for ending one's own life. Some of our book group boycotted our discussion of it, but I will say that it provoked some interesting interaction.
October 24, 2018
Interesting, but very repetitive and 'talky'. I guess clergy are just used to rambling on!
December 12, 2024
John Abraham’s How to Get the Death You Want is a thought-provoking and compassionate exploration of a topic that many prefer to avoid; death.
He provides unique insights into avoiding preventable pain and suffering at the end of life and expertly underscores the complexities of the U.S. healthcare and funeral industries to help readers achieve the best outcomes. This book offers practical advice on navigating difficult conversations and provides a sense of peace in addressing these challenges.
Abraham enriches his guidance with personal stories from his experiences as a priest and thanatologist his work with figures such as former U.S. presidents and the Dalai Lama. I highly recommend this book to readers of all ages,
regardless of their religious or spiritual beliefs, as it offers invaluable advice with a lasting impact on all generations.
He provides unique insights into avoiding preventable pain and suffering at the end of life and expertly underscores the complexities of the U.S. healthcare and funeral industries to help readers achieve the best outcomes. This book offers practical advice on navigating difficult conversations and provides a sense of peace in addressing these challenges.
Abraham enriches his guidance with personal stories from his experiences as a priest and thanatologist his work with figures such as former U.S. presidents and the Dalai Lama. I highly recommend this book to readers of all ages,
regardless of their religious or spiritual beliefs, as it offers invaluable advice with a lasting impact on all generations.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews