Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways We Deceive Ourselves in Relationships

by Jason B. Whiting

How can love, which is so beautiful and fun, cause such emotional ups and downs? Dr. Jason B. Whiting, a licensed marriage and family therapist, shares stories and research about relationships to show that deception is at the root of most couple problems. Learn to overcome deception and strengthen the trust and connection you've been longing for in your relationship.

Genres: Nonfiction, Personal Development

176 pages, Perfect Paperback

Published December 13, 2016

About the author

Jason Whiting researches the love lives of couples, focusing on how deception and conflict take root in even the best of relationships. His goal is to apply social science in a practical way and help couples to become more loving and authentic.

His new book, Love Me True, is an entertaining and informative look at how partners can be more honest with themselves and each other. Dr. Whiting is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and an award winning professor at Texas Tech University.

Reviews

[Katie (hiding in the pages) · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the very first chapter, guilt sunk in, deep into my bones. I've always considered myself an honest person, but I learned quickly that there's more to being dishonest than just lying and it took me several chapters to get over the fact that I'm not as good as I thought I was.

I've been married for 20 years now and this book has really helped me realize some fundamental ways to make my marriage even better than it is. I love how each chapter has a bullet point recap of the main points, as well as things to work on in the discussion questions section.

Using personal experience, real life situations, as well as numerous studies, this book is (dare I say it?) better than therapy because it's written in "normal people language." There's something for everyone. In some cases, things really weren't relevant to me or to my marriage, but in other cases, there are so many great things to help bring things to a higher level of understanding, communicating, and loving.

I'm choosing to get over myself (and my guilt) and start working on making my relationship better by choosing one thing to work on for now. This is great for anyone in a relationship.

*I received a complimentary copy from the publisher, which didn't affect my thoughts in any way.*

[Rachelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This title grabbed me because I was also interested to see how Whiting would go about teaching this tricky topic. I'm so glad I took a chance on this book because within just the first few chapters, I gained insight into my own marriage and things that I could do to improve my relationship with my husband. I've been married for 18 years and to me, that's a long time to build neural pathways of coping with the idiosyncrasies of married life. I like how Whiting teaches from his own experience and citing research that we can correct and change these habits that are often damaging our relationships without us really being aware of the effects.

I love how Whiting gave specific anecdotes from his experience in counseling with marriage and family therapy with the real grit of what can occur when two people who love each other come together and then lies start to break them apart. I especially liked this line: "There is an old saying that it is better to be trusted than to be loved."

That resonates with me on a deep level. This book is helping me and my marriage already because it has helped me understand why I react to certain behaviors in a way that might not always be helpful and has given me tools to use for a better result.

In my own opinion, relationships and marriage are tough. They require a lot of hard work and sacrifice to achieve success. You can't just get married and then say, "We lived happily ever after." Although that would be really nice! Getting married is a step in the right direction, but you're far from done. To find true happiness and that happy every after, I think that we need to keep working and studying on how to improve and strengthen our marriages and relationships. That's why I recommend this book. Love Me True is a gold mine of information, presented in a way that is easy to read, implement, and also feel encouraged about your future as a couple. Whiting ends each chapter with a summary of main points and discussion questions that make you think and help you pull out the nuggets he teaches and apply them to your own life.

I've highlighted several sections of this book and look forward to studying them in more depth with my husband.

I received a review copy of this book from the publisher and I have included my honest review.

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very engaging. While reading this book, I often wanted to highlight or copy out portions. By and large, I resisted that urge and read it through. I wanted to get the feel for the whole book and not get bogged down in taking notes on it.

The Table of Contents is very clear. Not only do the chapter titles tell what is in the chapter, but the TOC even has section headings within the chapters!
Part 1: Deception in What We Say
1- Dishonesty and Deception
2- Betrayals and Accountability
3- Rationalization and reality
4- Smugness and Self-Pity
Part 2: Deception in What We See
5- Anger and Safety
6- Defense and Détente
7- Denial and Responsibility
8- Emotion and Acceptance
Part 3: Authentic Connection
9- Friends and Companions
10- Heart and Mind
11- Responding and Conversing
12- Passion and Compassion
Afterword …
Sources
About the Author

I did take a few notes before starting to read straight through.

Chapter 1 describes how pervasive lying is, although most people claim to lie very little.

“Small lies can have big consequences. Mary Kaplan created the awesomely named Lying in Amorous Relationship Scale (LIARS), which assesses attitudes about lying. Kaplar ... was surprised to find that even one lie hurt relationship satisfaction. Kaplan concluded that people should be direct, even when the truth isn’t fun, rather than telling soothing white lies.” (Page 9)

“... when someone starts down the ladder [of lying] at any level, they tend to continue sliding down.” (Page 13)

[Taffy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Opening line:
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
If there is any reaction, boy are transformed. Carl Jung"

This book would be a good one for those thinking of marriage, engaged or long-time married spouses. Each chapter is full of relationship stories, thoughtful examples and ideas. At the end of each chapter, Mr. Whiting sums up the main points and discussions questions.

There were a lot of insights I took away from the book. Understanding my emotions is a good way to start! Anger, fear, pain can all make me lash out at all those around me without thinking what I'm feeling or saying.

I also learned there's a lot more to dishonesty than lying.

This is a quick read with understandable concepts and not weighed down in a lot of therapy jargon.

[Tayler Morrell · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are numerous ways we lie in our relationships: blatantly, withholding details, deceiving ourselves, prejudices, judgments, and many more. This book looks at the different ways that we deceive our significant other and discusses the consequences and effects of it, as well as ways to fix it. Whiting goes into depth of showing why we deceive all these different ways–what the underlying factor is. It makes a lot of sense! He also gives examples not only from his own experience as a marriage therapist, but also different studies done by him and other professionals and specialists. I thought it was a great way to dive into how to make our marriage stronger since communication is sometimes one of our weaknesses. Sometimes, we don’t bring up flaws or mistakes or our own personal issues because we don’t want to worry or offend our spouse. However, according to Whiting, that is one of the ways that we deceive–withholding information isn’t being open and honest. I never really thought of it that way. He even mentions how we deceive ourselves about our spouse when we are dismissive, sarcastic, or teasing our spouses. We set up an untrue perception of them that then festers and grows subconsciously.

I really enjoyed reading this book–I hardly put it down (which was still a lot of times since I have a toddler and a newborn!). However, there were a few things that I didn’t necessarily like. The format seemed a little squished too me–there wasn’t enough white space, and it just seemed a bit jumbled. Also, sometimes Whiting rambled a bit before getting to his point and solution. For marriage books, I like more of problem/example/solution formats. But, it seemed that sometimes, Whiting focused more on the problems and examples rather than the solutions. He was definitely very interested in the examples he gave. He also sometimes tried to add in humor, but it seemed a little forced a few times.

But, I would definitely recommend it to anyone trying to improve their relationship with their significant other.

[Mandy Al-Bjaly · Rating 5 out of 5]

It has been a crazy couple weeks, and when I realized that my book review for a blog tour was due today, I almost considered writing the review without having finished it. But then, appalled at myself, I realized there was no way I could do that, considering this book is about being true and honest in relationships. Thankfully, I was able to finish the book tonight, and what a book it was.

Dr. Jason Whiting has written a book that I am excited to discuss with my spouse. It is called ‘Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.’

I loved the structure of the book, first of all. Each chapter had a different subject, complete with real-life stories, studies, experiences from his life, with key points and discussion questions listed at the end of each chapter.

Whiting was very witty, but also eloquent in his use of similes and metaphors. He painted beautiful images in my mind of what true love and healthy relationships should look and feel like. I also loved the poems and quotes that he added to the chapters to illustrate profound points.

As I read through this book, I found myself pulling out a pen and underlining multiple lines on nearly every page. Some lines and paragraphs I would put stars next to – sometimes 3 or 4 for effect. Tonight, I dropped my pen while nursing my baby, and even though I was on my last 10 pages of the book, I couldn’t stand not being able to underline and star my favorite nuggets of wisdom.

Of course the book was about honesty in relationships, and why it is so crucial, but there were many other chapters that explained concepts like the difference between our hearts and minds, the necessity of practicing virtues, how our emotions effect our communication (and the fact we can control them better than we think), and so much more.

I am so optimistic about using the concepts in this book to strengthen my marriage and make our love stronger than ever. My husband is interested in finding out what this book it all about.

And why am I so optimistic? Because as I was reading, I saw so many examples of things that my husband and I do that aren’t the best, along with scientific explanations and solutions. I chuckled during the part about memory. My husband and I have definitely argued over memory differences, but it was so interesting to find out that our memories change over time, and that we still think them the same as always. That is just one example among dozens that I related to personally.

During the first several chapters about honesty, I realized that though I don’t often flat out lie, I do other things that are still considered deception, like pretending to be tuned into a conversation when in fact I zoned out a long time ago. I appreciate hearing that that is a problem, and that there is a better way.

I love how this book discusses just about every relationship issue, from small to huge. I may not have related to every story or situation, but I gained a little more insight into things friends or family may have gone through.

I already have a list of a few things I want to try just from reading ‘Love Me True.’ Here are a few of them:

Each night before bed, Jad and I will tell each other three things we are grateful for about each other, such as things we have done for each other or the family throughout the day.
I will act with more enthusiasm when my husband tells me things, and engage more in his stories.
We will put our electronic devices away when we are spending time together as a couple, or as a family.
I will try to look my husband in the eyes more and provide more physical touch when we communicate.
If your marriage isn’t perfect (well, whose really is?), and you are open to improving your relationship, I highly recommend this book. It has been extremely eye-opening for me, and it is already affecting how I think and communicate.

Thanks for sharing your knowledge with me, Dr. Whiting. I hope it will change my life as I apply each chapter to my marriage.

About the book:

How can love, which is so beautiful and fun, cause such emotional ups and downs? Dr. Jason B. Whiting, a licensed marriage and family therapist, focuses on common relationships to show that deception is at the root of most marital problems. Overcome this and gain back that trust and excitement you’ve been longing for in your relationship.

About the author:
Dr. Jason B. Whiting is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a professor of marriage and family therapy at Texas Tech University. Whiting has dedicated hundreds of hours to teaching students about relationships and counseling couples in his own clinical practice. Whiting has presented his research nationally, including at the National Council on Family Relations, American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, and Smart Marriages. He has published in academic journals such as Family Relations and the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy. Last year he won the award for “article of the year” in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. A co-authored article on cheating and deception on Facebook garnered interest in the national press, including Psychology Today and Cosmopolitan.

www.drjasonwhiting.com

https://www.facebook.com/drjasonwhiting

[Rossana Snee · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books! It was so informative. All couples should read this book.

It was written well, with copious examples for clarification.

I highly recommend this book. I listened to it on Audible, then read the actual book.

Excellent read!

[Emily Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The readability of this book is top notch - well placed anecdotes help bring theory to life. Insightfully and gently helps readers take a look at their relationships and offers practical suggestions for ways to strengthen the couple bond.

[Elizabeth Hodges · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5. Very insightful and funny.

[Samantha Gunning]

I won this book via Goodreads Firstreads Giveaway. I recieved a paperback copy.

[Allison Dunlap · Rating 5 out of 5]

Long! but thoroughly researched and incredibly helpful. (Would make an outstanding wedding gift for readers.) Would've liked to have read it earlier in my life. The point I took away is that empirical data can only teach us so much, it's implementing virtues into our character that will actually strengthen a relationship, not just a skill set.

[Tirtha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just completed this book and I highly recommend it. It's a really good read.