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The Secret Lives of Boys: Inside the Raw Emotional World of Male Teens
Teenage boys have come a long way since the staid 1980s when they were all lumped into the Breakfast Club categories of Brains, Druggies, and Jocks. Crisscrossing the country—meeting with boys from different cultures, and socioeconomic backgrounds—journalist Malina Saval introduces readers to the next generation of male teens by creating new archetypes and redrawing the ever-expanding social map. The Secret Lives of Boys offers an uncensored look into boyhood that reveals the spine-tingling confessions, heartrending sadness and isolation, unbridled optimism, and seemingly boundless resilience of male teens today. Saval asks the pertinent questions: Who are these boys? What do they think of themselves? A compelling and candid look at male adolescence in the twenty-first century, The Secret Lives of Boys uncovers what our young people want you to know.
- GenresNonfiction
272 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2008
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December 21, 2024
Buku ini sepertinya ditujukan kepada orang tua atau siapa saja yang perlu menghadapi anak remaja laki-laki, sehingga ingin mengetahui sudut pandang mereka untuk dapat memahaminya. Remaja laki-laki yang dimaksud terutama yang sudah menuju dewasa (usia belasan tahun akhir atau SMA mau kuliah) daripada yang baru memasuki puber (usia belasan tahun awal atau SMP).
Menurut pengantar buku ini, di Amerika Serikat media kurang mengeksplorasi kehidupan remaja laki-laki. Maka penulis mewawancarai sejumlah remaja laki-laki dari beragam latar belakang sehingga tidaklah tepat untuk menstigmatisasi mereka dalam stereotipe tertentu. Tiap-tiap responden diceritakan dalam satu tulisan tersendiri, dan mereka berhak menentukan judul yang paling tepat mewakili diri mereka. Hasilnya ada sepuluh tipe:
The Indie Fuck,
The Mini-Adult,
The Optimist,
The Troublemaker,
The Gay, Vegan, Hearing-Impaired Republican,
The Rich Kid,
The Average American Kid,
The Teenage Dad,
The Homeschooler,
The Sheltered One.
"The Indie Fuck" menjadi pembuka kiranya kalau bukan karena kesamaan latar etnis dengan penulis (Yahudi), mungkin karena wawasannya akan kebudayaan populer yang sekalian jadi penciri latar waktu ketika buku ini digarap, yaitu medio 2000-an ke atas. Ketika itu MySpace, Facebook, dan band emo masih hip di kalangan anak muda. Para remaja sudah memanfaatkan internet, misalnya untuk bertukar pesan, tetapi belum sampai setaraf sekarang.
Walau referensi kebudayaan populer yang disebut-sebut cukup familier buat saya yang ketika itu juga masih remaja (artinya mereka kurang lebih pada sepantaran dengan saya), dari segi kultur kurang relatable atau paling-paling hanya lewat bacaan/tontonan. Sepertinya di Indonesia ada juga remaja-remaja yang doyan ngedrugs, miras, dan seks bebas, tapi itu di luar lingkup pergaulan saya. Di Amerika Serikat pun bukan berarti semua remaja melakukan hal-hal tersebut. Buku ini menampilkan juga remaja-remaja yang tidak berpacaran, tidak minum alkohol, dan sebagainya, yang lurus-lurus saja dalam menjalani hidupnya. Malah yang berasal dari latar kehidupan kacau pun sesungguhnya memiliki kesadaran agar masa depannya lebih baik. Perbedaan lain salah satunya yaitu mereka mengirim lamaran langsung ke universitas-universitas incaran sementara di sini lewat SPMB/SNMPTN.
Buku ini hampir-hampir seperti kumpulan cerita pendek, yang semua tokohnya remaja laki-laki. Namun, tiap cerita lebih merupakan profil karakter. Memang tiap orang memiliki persoalannya sendiri-sendiri, misal "The Indie Fuck" adalah pecandu narkoba yang sedang dalam pemulihan, "The Rich Kid" menderita OCD, "The Teenage Dad" berusaha menjadi ayah yang baik bagi putri kecilnya, "The Homeschooler" mendambakan kehidupan sosial, dan "The Sheltered One" mengharapkan sedikit kebebasan. Namun, masalah tersebut tidak dikembangkan sampai menjadi suatu alur dramatis sebagaimana cerpen fiktif. Alih-alih, dalam menanggapi persoalan si tokoh, penulis menyertakan pendapat pakar, profesional, seniman, termasuk orang tua remaja itu sendiri, yang mendukung atau menyangkal.
Selain persoalan-persoalan pribadi, ada pula persoalan-persoalan yang cukup umum. Salah satunya menyangkut sistem pendidikan. Dahulu sistem pendidikan di Amerika Serikat sempat disanjung-sanjung seorang public figure Indonesia (kini YouTuber) yang pernah hidup di sana. Namun dalam buku ini justru diungkapkan kekurangan-kekurangannya. Di antaranya yaitu kurikulum yang kurang cocok bagi anak laki-laki, memaksa mereka duduk diam dalam waktu lama, yang tidaklah sesuai dengan cara kerja otaknya. Jumlah guru laki-laki pun kurang banyak, padahal anak laki-laki lebih efektif diajar oleh guru laki-laki. " ... boys who are taught by men do statistically better academically than boys taught by women." (halaman 66) Anak-anak lelaki yang dianggap "bermasalah" itu pun lantas dicekoki obat untuk mengatur perilakunya. Namun obat ini malah mengakibatkan kecanduan atau disalahgunakan. Sistem pendidikan yang kurang sesuai bagi anak laki-laki ini sebelumnya saya temukan juga di buku Boys Adrift. .
Masalah lain dalam sistem pendidikan Amerika Serikat yang tampaknya relevan dengan keadaan di Indonesia adalah jumlah murid yang terlalu banyak di sekolah-sekolah negeri (kecuali yang berada di pedalaman), sehingga kurang dapat memberikan perhatian personal yang padahal bisa sangat berarti bagi anak yang membutuhkannya.
Apalagi jika di rumah orang tua, terutama ayah, tidak dapat memberikan contoh teladan. "So many adults can't give that lesson to their teenage sons because they haven't learned it themselves. .... Without doing our own soul searching, we can't teach important life lessons to our sons or our daughters ...." (halaman 83) Jadi terpikir bahwa sebagian orang enggan punya anak di antaranya karena terjebak dalam fase "adolescence narcissism", sebab orang tuanya tidak tahu cara mendidik anak, sehingga selain harus membina dirinya sendiri, ia juga merasa perlu mengarahkan orang tuanya. Karena urusan inilah, ia tidak menghendaki anak tambahan. Keadaan ini dimungkinkan karena zaman sekarang orang memiliki kepekaan diri yang lebih daripada generasi orang tuanya dan sebelum-belumnya, yang beranak pinak lebih karena kelaziman atau keharusan daripada keinginan sendiri atau kesadaran tertentu.
"Boys do not need to be told the 'shoulds' of life. Rather they need to be questioned calmly. ... boys hate it when you guess wrong." (halaman 153, Majy Gibboney)
Menurut pengantar buku ini, di Amerika Serikat media kurang mengeksplorasi kehidupan remaja laki-laki. Maka penulis mewawancarai sejumlah remaja laki-laki dari beragam latar belakang sehingga tidaklah tepat untuk menstigmatisasi mereka dalam stereotipe tertentu. Tiap-tiap responden diceritakan dalam satu tulisan tersendiri, dan mereka berhak menentukan judul yang paling tepat mewakili diri mereka. Hasilnya ada sepuluh tipe:
The Indie Fuck,
The Mini-Adult,
The Optimist,
The Troublemaker,
The Gay, Vegan, Hearing-Impaired Republican,
The Rich Kid,
The Average American Kid,
The Teenage Dad,
The Homeschooler,
The Sheltered One.
"The Indie Fuck" menjadi pembuka kiranya kalau bukan karena kesamaan latar etnis dengan penulis (Yahudi), mungkin karena wawasannya akan kebudayaan populer yang sekalian jadi penciri latar waktu ketika buku ini digarap, yaitu medio 2000-an ke atas. Ketika itu MySpace, Facebook, dan band emo masih hip di kalangan anak muda. Para remaja sudah memanfaatkan internet, misalnya untuk bertukar pesan, tetapi belum sampai setaraf sekarang.
Walau referensi kebudayaan populer yang disebut-sebut cukup familier buat saya yang ketika itu juga masih remaja (artinya mereka kurang lebih pada sepantaran dengan saya), dari segi kultur kurang relatable atau paling-paling hanya lewat bacaan/tontonan. Sepertinya di Indonesia ada juga remaja-remaja yang doyan ngedrugs, miras, dan seks bebas, tapi itu di luar lingkup pergaulan saya. Di Amerika Serikat pun bukan berarti semua remaja melakukan hal-hal tersebut. Buku ini menampilkan juga remaja-remaja yang tidak berpacaran, tidak minum alkohol, dan sebagainya, yang lurus-lurus saja dalam menjalani hidupnya. Malah yang berasal dari latar kehidupan kacau pun sesungguhnya memiliki kesadaran agar masa depannya lebih baik. Perbedaan lain salah satunya yaitu mereka mengirim lamaran langsung ke universitas-universitas incaran sementara di sini lewat SPMB/SNMPTN.
Buku ini hampir-hampir seperti kumpulan cerita pendek, yang semua tokohnya remaja laki-laki. Namun, tiap cerita lebih merupakan profil karakter. Memang tiap orang memiliki persoalannya sendiri-sendiri, misal "The Indie Fuck" adalah pecandu narkoba yang sedang dalam pemulihan, "The Rich Kid" menderita OCD, "The Teenage Dad" berusaha menjadi ayah yang baik bagi putri kecilnya, "The Homeschooler" mendambakan kehidupan sosial, dan "The Sheltered One" mengharapkan sedikit kebebasan. Namun, masalah tersebut tidak dikembangkan sampai menjadi suatu alur dramatis sebagaimana cerpen fiktif. Alih-alih, dalam menanggapi persoalan si tokoh, penulis menyertakan pendapat pakar, profesional, seniman, termasuk orang tua remaja itu sendiri, yang mendukung atau menyangkal.
"But I don't feel quote-unquote very wealthy because I don't really exploit what I have. You know, there's always someone higher. I've met people who have so much money and it's just ... the wealth is just disgusting." (halaman 140, Preston Bard - "The Rich Kid")
Selain persoalan-persoalan pribadi, ada pula persoalan-persoalan yang cukup umum. Salah satunya menyangkut sistem pendidikan. Dahulu sistem pendidikan di Amerika Serikat sempat disanjung-sanjung seorang public figure Indonesia (kini YouTuber) yang pernah hidup di sana. Namun dalam buku ini justru diungkapkan kekurangan-kekurangannya. Di antaranya yaitu kurikulum yang kurang cocok bagi anak laki-laki, memaksa mereka duduk diam dalam waktu lama, yang tidaklah sesuai dengan cara kerja otaknya. Jumlah guru laki-laki pun kurang banyak, padahal anak laki-laki lebih efektif diajar oleh guru laki-laki. " ... boys who are taught by men do statistically better academically than boys taught by women." (halaman 66) Anak-anak lelaki yang dianggap "bermasalah" itu pun lantas dicekoki obat untuk mengatur perilakunya. Namun obat ini malah mengakibatkan kecanduan atau disalahgunakan. Sistem pendidikan yang kurang sesuai bagi anak laki-laki ini sebelumnya saya temukan juga di buku Boys Adrift. .
Masalah lain dalam sistem pendidikan Amerika Serikat yang tampaknya relevan dengan keadaan di Indonesia adalah jumlah murid yang terlalu banyak di sekolah-sekolah negeri (kecuali yang berada di pedalaman), sehingga kurang dapat memberikan perhatian personal yang padahal bisa sangat berarti bagi anak yang membutuhkannya.
Apalagi jika di rumah orang tua, terutama ayah, tidak dapat memberikan contoh teladan. "So many adults can't give that lesson to their teenage sons because they haven't learned it themselves. .... Without doing our own soul searching, we can't teach important life lessons to our sons or our daughters ...." (halaman 83) Jadi terpikir bahwa sebagian orang enggan punya anak di antaranya karena terjebak dalam fase "adolescence narcissism", sebab orang tuanya tidak tahu cara mendidik anak, sehingga selain harus membina dirinya sendiri, ia juga merasa perlu mengarahkan orang tuanya. Karena urusan inilah, ia tidak menghendaki anak tambahan. Keadaan ini dimungkinkan karena zaman sekarang orang memiliki kepekaan diri yang lebih daripada generasi orang tuanya dan sebelum-belumnya, yang beranak pinak lebih karena kelaziman atau keharusan daripada keinginan sendiri atau kesadaran tertentu.
"But as long as you can be patient everything else is just growth, development, maturity." (halaman 194, Tyrone Gomes - "The Teenage Dad")
June 30, 2009
I respect what Saval was trying to accomplish with her book: showing the diverse pathologies and lives teenage boys lead. However, I think the book fell short of its mark.
Saval's writing suffered from a personality crisis - it was a mix between anecdotal storytelling and the faux-academic and reminded me strongly of a grad student thesis. It would have worked just as well - perhaps better - as interview transcripts.
The book can best be summarized as: "Here is a Jock who is not a Jock, here is a Gay Teen who does not like Cher." I doubt it comes as a shock to anyone that humans are complex beyond the typecasting of high school.
However, the boys themselves were enchanting - fascinating young men with remarkable stories and compelling views of the world. From Christopher, a level-headed razor-wit who is deaf and gay; to Preston, the rich kid with a depression problem. The book is worth the read just to meet these dynamic boys for a few pages.
Saval's writing suffered from a personality crisis - it was a mix between anecdotal storytelling and the faux-academic and reminded me strongly of a grad student thesis. It would have worked just as well - perhaps better - as interview transcripts.
The book can best be summarized as: "Here is a Jock who is not a Jock, here is a Gay Teen who does not like Cher." I doubt it comes as a shock to anyone that humans are complex beyond the typecasting of high school.
However, the boys themselves were enchanting - fascinating young men with remarkable stories and compelling views of the world. From Christopher, a level-headed razor-wit who is deaf and gay; to Preston, the rich kid with a depression problem. The book is worth the read just to meet these dynamic boys for a few pages.
January 12, 2010
It's OK. Conversations with a wide variety of teenage boys. I was hoping to gain new insight, but since I actually talk to a wide variety of teen age boys I don't know if I did. Some are full of crap, bravado, arrogance. Some are direct and honest and sincere and decent. Some are a big mix...just like real boys, like most people. So useful if you don't know many teens but otherwise meh...
October 3, 2018
Although this book was recommended for parents—to provide some insight into the thoughts of teen boys— it would, in my opinion, prove a worthwhile read for boys (young men) too. The ten teens interviewed for this book fall across the spectrum in terms of socio-economics, personalities, and ethnicities, and each has a unique voice reflected initially in the boy-chosen titles for each of their respective chapters. Whether or not you see something of your own son in one or more of the boys, this book is "eye-opening" in terms of what challenges teen boys face when trying to make their way through life. You may prefer the “words” of some of the boys more than others, but I encourage you to read all of their stories because each has something of value to say. In fact, a reoccurring theme that seems to run throughout their stories is that without these conversations, you might make some very false (stereotypical) assumptions about each of them based on their family composition, ethnicity, wealth (or lack of), or simply because they are teen boys. [As an aside, I found it interesting that one of the boys attending an urban school felt that students are in more danger from bullying than the gang members in their school.]
July 10, 2010
7/10 update ---
The strength of this book is in the boy's stories and statements. I think the author and I come from different cultures -her assumptions are not mine, the tone she affects in her writing voice speaks to a pop culture that I only barely and reluctantly take part in, and I don't think I believe in the social construct of teenager quite as much as she.
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So far, I'm not so sure about this book. The author seems to entered this world not aware that boys are people and is bent on proving their humanity through "evocative" exposition and interviews with a cultural cross-section. The interviews are interesting, sometimes enlightening, but overall I'm not learning much. Guess the title and cover should have been a give away, but I'm a sucker for secrets.
The strength of this book is in the boy's stories and statements. I think the author and I come from different cultures -her assumptions are not mine, the tone she affects in her writing voice speaks to a pop culture that I only barely and reluctantly take part in, and I don't think I believe in the social construct of teenager quite as much as she.
---
So far, I'm not so sure about this book. The author seems to entered this world not aware that boys are people and is bent on proving their humanity through "evocative" exposition and interviews with a cultural cross-section. The interviews are interesting, sometimes enlightening, but overall I'm not learning much. Guess the title and cover should have been a give away, but I'm a sucker for secrets.
September 1, 2009
It's never too early to try to unravel the mystery of young men coming of age. Ethan's only 9 but he's already too cool for Dad. I also thought this would help me in my youth leader calling at church. While this is an interesting read, it's ultimately not terribly illuminating on the subject. The author found different kinds of teenage boys all over the country, but I suspect (although it's not hard to detect her boredom with Aziz) she picked these kids because they were personally interesting to her, not really representative of the population. They are indeed interesting and often very funny and completely self-centered - a good book, not a great one.
June 9, 2009
I did bring this book home to read myself - being the mother of a 15 yo boy. However, before I could get to it, my son grabbed it and read it cover to cover. I finished it today - I loved it - and I asked my son what he thought. He liked it, thought it was spot on regarding school atmosphere and said that he could identify with many of the boys in different areas, but did in fact, identify with one boy inparticular - minus the drug use :) thankfully.
I think this is a must read for any parent of a teenage son. It is eye opening.
I think this is a must read for any parent of a teenage son. It is eye opening.
February 18, 2013
Maybe I don't pay enough attention to what's written about boys in the media, but the central idea here, that teen boys are all isolated and emotionless, strikes as a straw argument. Of course it isn't true. Isolation is a part of adolescence for boys and girls, since you need to spend some time thinking no one understands you so you can understand yourself. Still, if you don't know much about boys this is an OK primer.
June 19, 2009
One of the most misunderstood creatures on the planet: the teenage boy. I live with two and they are mysterious and sometimes scary but never boring. This book offers a precious opportunity few of us either are allowed or care to take: a personal look into this secret life. So much of this book will stay with me. I will remember many lessons from this book.
August 26, 2009
Is it just me? Although the stories in this book are all compelling enough, I expected to have something illuminated for me, as someone who is not now nor has ever been a teenage boy. And yet, nothing surprising, no interesting insights came to me as a result of reading. Didn't go far enough.
September 8, 2009
This book is the result of extensive interviews with several boys from different backgrounds. It's easy to stereotype teenaged boys, but this book taught me that we can't take any of them for granted.
October 29, 2011
This book was not worth my time. Ok, great, boys, contrary to popular belief, are emotional and have complex feelings. Water is wet. I was looking for some insight to parenting four boys. I found nearly none. YMMV.
October 17, 2012
Not a parenting book, more of a male-oriented cross section of American teenage culture. Interesting read with not a ton of surprises. I enjoyed the research she put into each chapter. The kids' voices come through clearly.
May 10, 2009
Couldn't sleep until I finished it. You know you're a good writer when you can make your readers identify with teenage boys.
June 20, 2009
Very interesting read. I didn't realize how much I embrace stereotypes against boys and this book challenged me to think a little differently.
triedtoread
December 23, 2009Whoopsie, I got engrossed in "Wolf Hall" and totally forgot about this. It was even overdue at the library.
December 29, 2009
I didn't learn anything from this book, bit of a waste of time!
March 28, 2010
Don't buy this just because Malina is my cousin, but because it's a "good read".
March 27, 2013
This book was boring. It has lots of dialogue. Even though Malina Saval got her information through conversation that didn't need to be used. And last of all it didn't compare to normal stereotypes.
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews