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Messy Beautiful Friendship: Finding and Nurturing Deep and Lasting Relationships
Women long for deep and lasting friendships but often find them challenging to make. The private angst they feel regarding friendship often translates into their own insecurity and isolation. Christine Hoover offers women a fresh, biblical vision for friendship that allows for the messiness of our lives and the realities of our schedules. She shows women
- what's holding them back from developing satisfying friendships
- how to make and deepen friendships
- how to overcome insecurity, self-imposed isolation, and past hurts
- how to embrace the people God has already placed in their lives as potential friends
- and how to revel in the beauty and joy of everyday friendship
With stories of real friendships and guidance drawn from Scripture, Hoover encourages women to intentionally and purposefully invest in one of the most rewarding relationships God has given us.
- what's holding them back from developing satisfying friendships
- how to make and deepen friendships
- how to overcome insecurity, self-imposed isolation, and past hurts
- how to embrace the people God has already placed in their lives as potential friends
- and how to revel in the beauty and joy of everyday friendship
With stories of real friendships and guidance drawn from Scripture, Hoover encourages women to intentionally and purposefully invest in one of the most rewarding relationships God has given us.
237 pages, Paperback
First published April 18, 2017
196 people are currently reading
2159 people want to read
About the author
Christine Hoover
23 books303 followersChristine Hoover serves as the Women's Ministry Associate at The Austin Stone Community Church's Northwest congregation in Austin, Texas. She hosts The Ministry Wives Podcast and has authored six books, including Messy Beautiful Friendship and How to Thrive as a Pastor's Wife, as well as a Bible study with Lifeway, Seek First the Kingdom. Her work has been featured on The Gospel Coalition, For The Church, and Christianity Today. Christine is married to Kyle, a pastor, and they have three boys. You can find her at her home online, www.christinehoover.net.
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March 30, 2017Well, I didn't just read this book; I wrote it :) And I'd love for you to read it! My prayer is that it would encourage, help, and challenge you to embrace the messy and beautiful parts of this gift called friendship.
March 12, 2020
I really enjoyed this book. I think every woman in the church should read it!
December 17, 2017
This was such an enjoyable read. There were only a few things that hinder me from giving this book 5 stars.
1. This book was targeted at married women. A lot of her examples, stories, and discussion questions did not apply to me. But in spite of this I did learn so much and would definitely recommend it to teen girls.
2. Towards the end it was no longer revolutionary. It felt repetitive.
I think what made this book so eye opening and convicting was the deep conversations I had about the book with my two dearest friends and sisters in Christ. Thank you ladies for all the Starbucks outings and late nights discussing friendship. I love you both!
1. This book was targeted at married women. A lot of her examples, stories, and discussion questions did not apply to me. But in spite of this I did learn so much and would definitely recommend it to teen girls.
2. Towards the end it was no longer revolutionary. It felt repetitive.
I think what made this book so eye opening and convicting was the deep conversations I had about the book with my two dearest friends and sisters in Christ. Thank you ladies for all the Starbucks outings and late nights discussing friendship. I love you both!
January 24, 2025
There are lots of books about friends. There are lots of books about women. There are lots of books aimed at Christian women. But now, finally, there is one about the importance of friendship in the lives of Christian women.
Having read Christine Hoover's previous book From Good to Grace, I was excited to read a new book by her, and I thoroughly enjoyed it and benefited much from it.
Messy Beautiful Friendship does not glamorize friendship; nor does it rake it through the mud. Instead, it presents it just as it is: messy but beautiful. And completely necessary to the lives of Christian women.
As a high schooler, I understood that this book might not have much to say to me - I am, after all, not yet a woman. But Christine Hoover writes with precision and wide brush strokes that are more and more detailed the closer you zoom in. What could be taken as general tips leave lots of room for the Holy Spirit to work. Even I, who is still in the place where, as Christine puts it, friendship just "happens", found many ways to benefit.
There's not much to say about this book that's negative. Christine covers the making of friends (this one is in a little less detail than I might like, but that's okay), how to grow friendship and reach out to the outcasts, how to be a good friend, and how to receive friendship from others. Proverbs 27:17 says: "As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." This verse is not mentioned in the book, as far as I can recall, but it is definitely one of the underlying themes.
One thing I will mention is that there is not much on how a Christian woman is to be friends specifically with a non-Christian. The things said in the book will be helpful in friendship with just about anyone, but if you're looking for specific guidance in this tough area, this may not be the book to do it (although the chapters on inflicting loving wounds on your friends may be a help.)
In short, this was a really excellent book that I would recommend to just about any Christian woman. If you have friends, you need this book.
**Note: I received a free copy of this book from the publisher, Baker Books. All opinions expressed are my own. I was not compelled to give a positive review, but I'm thrilled to be able to!**
Having read Christine Hoover's previous book From Good to Grace, I was excited to read a new book by her, and I thoroughly enjoyed it and benefited much from it.
Messy Beautiful Friendship does not glamorize friendship; nor does it rake it through the mud. Instead, it presents it just as it is: messy but beautiful. And completely necessary to the lives of Christian women.
As a high schooler, I understood that this book might not have much to say to me - I am, after all, not yet a woman. But Christine Hoover writes with precision and wide brush strokes that are more and more detailed the closer you zoom in. What could be taken as general tips leave lots of room for the Holy Spirit to work. Even I, who is still in the place where, as Christine puts it, friendship just "happens", found many ways to benefit.
There's not much to say about this book that's negative. Christine covers the making of friends (this one is in a little less detail than I might like, but that's okay), how to grow friendship and reach out to the outcasts, how to be a good friend, and how to receive friendship from others. Proverbs 27:17 says: "As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." This verse is not mentioned in the book, as far as I can recall, but it is definitely one of the underlying themes.
One thing I will mention is that there is not much on how a Christian woman is to be friends specifically with a non-Christian. The things said in the book will be helpful in friendship with just about anyone, but if you're looking for specific guidance in this tough area, this may not be the book to do it (although the chapters on inflicting loving wounds on your friends may be a help.)
In short, this was a really excellent book that I would recommend to just about any Christian woman. If you have friends, you need this book.
**Note: I received a free copy of this book from the publisher, Baker Books. All opinions expressed are my own. I was not compelled to give a positive review, but I'm thrilled to be able to!**
April 3, 2017
Disclosure: I received a copy of this book as part of the launch team.
This is one of the best books on relationships that I've read. I've read Christine's previous book The Church Planting Wife, and it was good, but she has grown tremendously as a writer and thinker since that book. This book is a gift to the church--it is honest and realistic and challenges many of the ways we avoid relationship and fellowship. Although it is directed at women, I think both men and women would benefit greatly from this book!
This is one of the best books on relationships that I've read. I've read Christine's previous book The Church Planting Wife, and it was good, but she has grown tremendously as a writer and thinker since that book. This book is a gift to the church--it is honest and realistic and challenges many of the ways we avoid relationship and fellowship. Although it is directed at women, I think both men and women would benefit greatly from this book!
December 16, 2017
very insightful book on biblical friendships, definitely geared toward moms/married women but I would recommend it to anyone
April 9, 2023
I loved this one
January 4, 2019
I'm an introvert, so making friends isn't always the easiest thing for me. When I moved to Louisville by myself, I didn't know anyone here, but I was sure that I would be able to meet new people and make a friend or two once I'd joined a church. That wasn't the case. I don't know if it was something about me or the church, but I never clicked with that particular church, and because I didn't really want to spend time there outside of Sunday morning, I didn't really want to spend any of my free time with people from there. It wasn't an ideal situation, but I wanted to be part of church, and so I suffered through the awkward conversations and the unfamiliar services as long as I could.
Fast forward to today. Now I'm part of a church where I feel welcome and appreciated, and I'm part of a community group with people that are more family than friends. I love the women of my group like sisters, and I've learned so much about life and relationships and being a friend from them. I look at them and I see sisters in Christ, sisters who are willing to go above and beyond to help me through life, whether that's physically, mentally, or spiritually. It was because of these women that I picked up Christine Hoover's newest book, and I'm glad I did.
Messy Beautiful Friendship is the perfect book for helping women remember the true purpose of friendship: friendships are meant to emulate and further the kingdom of Christ. Friends, especially Christian friends, are meant to encourage you in the hard times, laugh with you in the good times, and admonish you in the times when you're putting yourself and your desires above those of Christ. Christine Hoover does a fantastic job of sharing what a friend should truly be, which isn't necessarily what we want our friends to be, but it's what we need in our lives in order to experience the fullness that God has planned for us.
I was glad for all of Christine's tips and bits of advice for how to make new friendships as well as strengthen and maintain old ones. I appreciated the personal stories she included, both good and bad, to serve as examples of how friendships can flourish or fail. In particular, I personally related to the instances where she showed how important it is to make our feelings about a relationship known rather than assuming that the other woman knows how we feel yet doesn't care. Like I said, I'm an introvert, and even once I have made friends, I often run into issues with sharing my feelings, and I've had rough patches with friends in the past where my difficulties opening up have led people to assume I'm cold and that I don't care about them when that couldn't be further from the truth. At the same time, my instinct to keep quiet has led people to assume that my life is going swimmingly when I could've used some words of advice or of encouragement if I'd only had the courage to open up.
Luckily, I've grown comfortable with my the women in my community group, and I've learned to open up and let people help where they can. That also means that I've opened myself up to the possibility of more disappointments, but only when I fail to remember that no one is perfect, so no one will ever be the perfect friend. Christine makes it clear that Christ is the only perfect friend, so it's unfair to ourselves and to our friends to try to hold them in that role. And it's unfair in that by sharing our imperfections, we give ourselves the opportunity to grow, so pretending to be perfect only keeps us emotionally and spiritually stunted.
God can fix that, though, by putting women into our lives that will help us shine brighter in Christ by being the best friends they can be. And they'll inspire us to be better friends, too, just as Christine's book does. By nurturing and loving on the women God has given us as friends, we can more fully experience His love and live our flawed lives together in community and in glorification of Him. Messy Beautiful Friendship reminds us that this is harder than it sounds, but by putting in the time and effort, we can create friendships that will truly last eternity.
Fast forward to today. Now I'm part of a church where I feel welcome and appreciated, and I'm part of a community group with people that are more family than friends. I love the women of my group like sisters, and I've learned so much about life and relationships and being a friend from them. I look at them and I see sisters in Christ, sisters who are willing to go above and beyond to help me through life, whether that's physically, mentally, or spiritually. It was because of these women that I picked up Christine Hoover's newest book, and I'm glad I did.
Messy Beautiful Friendship is the perfect book for helping women remember the true purpose of friendship: friendships are meant to emulate and further the kingdom of Christ. Friends, especially Christian friends, are meant to encourage you in the hard times, laugh with you in the good times, and admonish you in the times when you're putting yourself and your desires above those of Christ. Christine Hoover does a fantastic job of sharing what a friend should truly be, which isn't necessarily what we want our friends to be, but it's what we need in our lives in order to experience the fullness that God has planned for us.
I was glad for all of Christine's tips and bits of advice for how to make new friendships as well as strengthen and maintain old ones. I appreciated the personal stories she included, both good and bad, to serve as examples of how friendships can flourish or fail. In particular, I personally related to the instances where she showed how important it is to make our feelings about a relationship known rather than assuming that the other woman knows how we feel yet doesn't care. Like I said, I'm an introvert, and even once I have made friends, I often run into issues with sharing my feelings, and I've had rough patches with friends in the past where my difficulties opening up have led people to assume I'm cold and that I don't care about them when that couldn't be further from the truth. At the same time, my instinct to keep quiet has led people to assume that my life is going swimmingly when I could've used some words of advice or of encouragement if I'd only had the courage to open up.
Luckily, I've grown comfortable with my the women in my community group, and I've learned to open up and let people help where they can. That also means that I've opened myself up to the possibility of more disappointments, but only when I fail to remember that no one is perfect, so no one will ever be the perfect friend. Christine makes it clear that Christ is the only perfect friend, so it's unfair to ourselves and to our friends to try to hold them in that role. And it's unfair in that by sharing our imperfections, we give ourselves the opportunity to grow, so pretending to be perfect only keeps us emotionally and spiritually stunted.
God can fix that, though, by putting women into our lives that will help us shine brighter in Christ by being the best friends they can be. And they'll inspire us to be better friends, too, just as Christine's book does. By nurturing and loving on the women God has given us as friends, we can more fully experience His love and live our flawed lives together in community and in glorification of Him. Messy Beautiful Friendship reminds us that this is harder than it sounds, but by putting in the time and effort, we can create friendships that will truly last eternity.
June 25, 2022
If you’ve been around me in the past month, you’ve probably received my recommendation to read this…but if you haven’t heard it already, here’s your recommendation!!! In a season of loneliness this book has made me feel seen, heard, and loved BUT also challenged and deeply convicted. The ultimate message here is the hope that no matter how lonely we are here on this earth, because we place so much pressure on our friendships to be our own Christ, we have a true friend in Jesus who knows all of us and still loves us deeper than any earthly friend can. The gospel message in this book is so comforting. OKAY…I could keep going on and on. READ THIS BOOK!!!!
January 1, 2018
While Christine writes with women in mind, her wisdom on friendship applies to both men and women. I was encouraged and challenged in this read, as the purpose of friendship is identified, reasonable expectations for friendship are discussed, and the joy of Christian friendship is celebrated. Through it all, Christine's humble disclosure of her own trails and travails in friendship keep her accessible and real as an author. I finished looking forward to being a better friend.
(full disclosure: the agency I work for represented Christine on this book)
(full disclosure: the agency I work for represented Christine on this book)
March 8, 2019
I would highly recommend this book. It addressed many of my fears, concerns, and insecurities regarding friendship with the truth of God's Word and practical advice for how to carry out those truths.
October 25, 2021
Read this book in 2017 and it was earth-shattering. Read 'Life Together' by Bonhoeffer in 2020 and it was a step even further into opening my eyes to what Biblical Community looks like life-on-life. Hoover gets a good portion of her thoughts from Bonhoeffer, especially from his first chapter. Would recommend as an easier read, but also extremely impactful. Helped me forgive, have empathy, and a fuller perspective of relationships around me. Would recommend to every one (as well as Life Together).
July 11, 2017
I shouldn't have ordered this book. I already have about thirty books which I've been meaning to read in the last 3/4 years. But this book is just what I needed.
I came across this book from following Desiring God, at a time when I was feeling acute loneliness and inept socially due to a few things going on in my life.
For years I've struggled generally, not with making friends but keeping them, and have always thought there was something really wrong with me. I became bitter towards people I'm connected with on social media, who used to make me a priority, but have ignored my attempts to reach out -
even though we live in the same city - and screened me out from social gatherings I used to be invited to. And a lot of good friends I've managed to stay in touch with over the years live far away, even in other countries like Scotland, Belgium and Germany, and it's hard staying in touch. In the last ten months I've generally been time poor because of studying an intensive academic course, and though I love living with my parents and all the benefits it brings, I miss being able to invite people round with minimal hassle. This has led to me not being able to invite friends from church round, when they've kindly invited me round a few times, which is rubbish. And when you only find out through Facebook that people you used to spend a lot of time with have got engaged, and they don't tell you personally, or invite you to their wedding, whilst you know many other mutual friends are invited, it really hurts. It had got to a point when I was fed up of the superficiality and shallowness of all these 'friends', and I had been sucked into the popular attitude so prevalent right now - if someone does not make you a priority, why should you prioritize them? You deserve better friends who make you feel good and who always have time for you.
But this attitude, though it made me feel sassy and confident for a while, led to a whole lot of bitterness and hypercriticism, which I knew deep down wasn't helpful or honouring to God or other people.
So I ordered Christine Hoover's book in the hopes that it might help me a little, but of course, I thought that, she's American and Americans are uber friendly and don't have the same sorts of problems awkward British people like me do. So as I started reading, I didn't believe that this book would deal with these problems.
But, oh, this book is so honest and poignant and moving. After every chapter, I had to stop because of 'all the feels' - Christine describes a variety of friendship struggles, that I have also experienced. Her advice throughout the book is also challenging but definitely do-able and does not feel overwhelming, because she constantly points us to Jesus and the gospel.
The big message I have taken from the book, regarding the situation above, is the following: God is our only perfect friend, but because of our brokenness, we look to other people to be perfect friends. But because other people are broken too, they will never fully meet our need for friendship, and it is wrong to have such a high expectation. However, God gives us friends as gifts and we should still put effort into those friendships. Furthermore, if we trust in what Jesus did, we can follow His example - He offers friendship to anyone who asks for it, regardless of whether they deserve it or not, and when we let Him down (as we are bound to do), He forgives us and continues to love us. Therefore, blown away by how Jesus treats us, we should treat everyone we meet like this, looking out for their needs above our own and not expecting anything at all in return.
Having finished this book, I decided to ask God to help me to change my attitude towards others to be more like this, and though I still struggle with the cynicism which has built up, I feel so free. At the moment, I'm not worried who my friends are, because I know it's not about what people can do for me but what I can do to serve them. I am thankful for the people God has put in my life, especially this academic year, and their care and patience towards me. Though my attitude will inevitably shift back towards bitterness and self pity, I'm keeping hold of this book to ensure I'm reminded of these truths again.
I came across this book from following Desiring God, at a time when I was feeling acute loneliness and inept socially due to a few things going on in my life.
For years I've struggled generally, not with making friends but keeping them, and have always thought there was something really wrong with me. I became bitter towards people I'm connected with on social media, who used to make me a priority, but have ignored my attempts to reach out -
even though we live in the same city - and screened me out from social gatherings I used to be invited to. And a lot of good friends I've managed to stay in touch with over the years live far away, even in other countries like Scotland, Belgium and Germany, and it's hard staying in touch. In the last ten months I've generally been time poor because of studying an intensive academic course, and though I love living with my parents and all the benefits it brings, I miss being able to invite people round with minimal hassle. This has led to me not being able to invite friends from church round, when they've kindly invited me round a few times, which is rubbish. And when you only find out through Facebook that people you used to spend a lot of time with have got engaged, and they don't tell you personally, or invite you to their wedding, whilst you know many other mutual friends are invited, it really hurts. It had got to a point when I was fed up of the superficiality and shallowness of all these 'friends', and I had been sucked into the popular attitude so prevalent right now - if someone does not make you a priority, why should you prioritize them? You deserve better friends who make you feel good and who always have time for you.
But this attitude, though it made me feel sassy and confident for a while, led to a whole lot of bitterness and hypercriticism, which I knew deep down wasn't helpful or honouring to God or other people.
So I ordered Christine Hoover's book in the hopes that it might help me a little, but of course, I thought that, she's American and Americans are uber friendly and don't have the same sorts of problems awkward British people like me do. So as I started reading, I didn't believe that this book would deal with these problems.
But, oh, this book is so honest and poignant and moving. After every chapter, I had to stop because of 'all the feels' - Christine describes a variety of friendship struggles, that I have also experienced. Her advice throughout the book is also challenging but definitely do-able and does not feel overwhelming, because she constantly points us to Jesus and the gospel.
The big message I have taken from the book, regarding the situation above, is the following: God is our only perfect friend, but because of our brokenness, we look to other people to be perfect friends. But because other people are broken too, they will never fully meet our need for friendship, and it is wrong to have such a high expectation. However, God gives us friends as gifts and we should still put effort into those friendships. Furthermore, if we trust in what Jesus did, we can follow His example - He offers friendship to anyone who asks for it, regardless of whether they deserve it or not, and when we let Him down (as we are bound to do), He forgives us and continues to love us. Therefore, blown away by how Jesus treats us, we should treat everyone we meet like this, looking out for their needs above our own and not expecting anything at all in return.
Having finished this book, I decided to ask God to help me to change my attitude towards others to be more like this, and though I still struggle with the cynicism which has built up, I feel so free. At the moment, I'm not worried who my friends are, because I know it's not about what people can do for me but what I can do to serve them. I am thankful for the people God has put in my life, especially this academic year, and their care and patience towards me. Though my attitude will inevitably shift back towards bitterness and self pity, I'm keeping hold of this book to ensure I'm reminded of these truths again.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 28, 2020
My biggest struggles in friendship, whether loneliness or unmet expectations or hurts, have generally filtered through a belief that I'm entitled to have it in the exact form that I want it.
This book was extremely beneficial for me. It gave me the gift of something I've experienced all too rarely: conviction wholly untainted by condemnation.
Over the last few years, I've been struggling with some difficulties in my long-term friendships. In this book, Hoover perfectly articulates many of the things I've been feeling or wrestling through; and by putting them into words, she normalizes them and lets me know that I'm not alone in my worries. She also explains the worries' roots: I am seeking in human friends that which I can only find in Jesus, the one truest and all-sufficient companion of my soul.
If you're struggling with friendship and the correct way to navigate its evolution, I'd highly recommend this book. Straightforward but gentle, it was a tremendous encouragement to me.
I've come to terms with the fact that friendship is not static but rather ever changing just as people -- including myself -- are ever changing.
March 7, 2025
This is my second time reading this gem. Because each chapter is bursting with so many excellent truths, I truly believe I could read it yearly and still get something completely different each time (you should see all the markings & underlines in my copy!).
It's the BEST book I've read on friendship, hands down. Every chapter is so rich. The book challenges me and reminds me what friendship is ultimately about. Also, I love the author's writing style and her transparency is refreshing. I truly believe every Christian woman would benefit from reading this!
It's the BEST book I've read on friendship, hands down. Every chapter is so rich. The book challenges me and reminds me what friendship is ultimately about. Also, I love the author's writing style and her transparency is refreshing. I truly believe every Christian woman would benefit from reading this!
February 23, 2020
I listened to this as an audio book so I didn’t catch as much as I would have liked, but there was a lot of good information about what it means to be a good friend, setting aside our expectations and focusing on what a godly friend really is.
February 15, 2019
Worth a read. I loved many things in this book and was so glad to see someone actually write about friendship in a balanced, encouraging and others-focused manner. Hoover is wonderfully aware of her weakness to walk away from people and that pushes her impetus to admonish her readers to stick with friendships. I would have loved a little something about unhealthy friendships, ones where it is better to cut ties than plant your feet. Perhaps that topic is a bit too complicated to boil down into one size fits all instruction.
January 28, 2023
Having just moved to a new city, I wanted to recalibrate my mind to ensure that I start off on the right foot with new friendships. Many women tend to have friendship expectations (Christine refers to them as “wish-dreams”) that often set us up for disappointment. True biblical friendship requires initiative, vulnerability, hospitality, genuine interest in others, speaking the truth in love, among other things. The introspective and prodding questions were really useful in diagnosing places where I struggle and can work on while building my new relationships!
September 12, 2019
What a great ressource for a time like this in my life. If you are struggling with making/keeping or losing friends - this is exactly the book for you. I have wanted to read it for a long time and it has encouraged and challenged me to reach out again and put in the work that is necessary, but also put my whole trust in Christ and never forget he is the one who truly satisfies and who knows me better than I know myself. Oh what a friend we have in Jesus!
July 27, 2021
I really enjoyed this book. I learned a lot and was encouraged.
May 17, 2017
I agreed with much of what the author said in the book, and I think that for women who have never seriously contemplated the importance, purpose, and challenges of friendship, this will be a very helpful read. Even for those who have considered it before, this will likely serve as a good reminder.
Hoover addresses some issues that are difficult to swallow, such as: friends don't always come "packaged" the way we want them to; one friend cannot be our everything; our friends will hurt us and we will hurt them and we need to address these conflicts rather than ignore them; as Christians, we need to call out sin in the lives of close friends and be willing to hear constructive criticism from others.
Having said that, I had a hard time connecting with Hoover's writing style. She writes with a vague, intuitive quality; often, her "examples" are not very specific and detailed, which is something my brain needs in order to make connections. I don't just want to hear that her friend was hurt and that they made up... I want to know what happened, why the friend was hurt, which words were spoken to wound and to heal... I want the whole story!
I found the book lacking on the topic of making friends. Hoover believes that if a person initiates enough and does "all the right things," they will naturally attract friends. She doesn't really address the fact that others may never respond or reciprocate. Even God, the perfect friend, is rejected all of the time, so how much more true will it be for us, who are imperfect despite our best efforts to improve?
I do think many women will learn from and be encouraged by this book, but it wasn't my personal favorite.
I received this book from the publisher via NetGalley.
Hoover addresses some issues that are difficult to swallow, such as: friends don't always come "packaged" the way we want them to; one friend cannot be our everything; our friends will hurt us and we will hurt them and we need to address these conflicts rather than ignore them; as Christians, we need to call out sin in the lives of close friends and be willing to hear constructive criticism from others.
Having said that, I had a hard time connecting with Hoover's writing style. She writes with a vague, intuitive quality; often, her "examples" are not very specific and detailed, which is something my brain needs in order to make connections. I don't just want to hear that her friend was hurt and that they made up... I want to know what happened, why the friend was hurt, which words were spoken to wound and to heal... I want the whole story!
I found the book lacking on the topic of making friends. Hoover believes that if a person initiates enough and does "all the right things," they will naturally attract friends. She doesn't really address the fact that others may never respond or reciprocate. Even God, the perfect friend, is rejected all of the time, so how much more true will it be for us, who are imperfect despite our best efforts to improve?
I do think many women will learn from and be encouraged by this book, but it wasn't my personal favorite.
I received this book from the publisher via NetGalley.
August 24, 2021
This is an excellent, convicting, and Scripture-based book that I read along with several women from my church. Friendship is a topic that is not commonly discussed among Christian women and this was the first book I have ever read on the topic. It is such an important and everyday part of life, however, so I appreciated this chance to meditate on what it means to be a godly friend and how to be more intentional in my relationships. Even if you don't identify with every single story or lesson learned, I guarantee that at least one idea from Christine Hoover's book will resonate with you. There were several for me. I hope to pick this up again in a few years and glean more wisdom from these pages. I would recommend this book for every Christian woman, in any season of life!
May 28, 2019
I’ve read lots of books on Christian friendship and taught bible study on it as well. I struggled with this book and just didn’t finish. It was a bit basic and felt repetitive and I felt like I keep waiting for the meat.
October 24, 2019
I liked this book very much, although it did step on my toes (it's okay, I needed it). I have found it difficult to make real and deep friendships since moving to Iowa, and this book showed me 1) how very selfish I have been being in wanting my "wish dream" of a friendship, 2) to meet my own needs, and 3) how I have been focusing on secondary identities of others and how they line up with mine (or don't) rather than just focusing on primary identity as a sister in Christ. I am blessed with very dear friends, most of whom now live in different states from me, but in recent years I have felt this sentiment deep in my spirit: "I’m not sure I had a single friend, at least not one I felt comfortable calling to take care of my kids if I came down with anything more serious than a cold. That was my litmus test—Who would I call in an emergency? Who would I call if I needed something? The answer was a shrug, which always elicited a pang in my heart." Since reading this book, I am realizing that I need to TRUST GOD more instead of relying on people and relationships with people. How have I been so slow in learning this? It's been almost eight years since we moved here!
The book is a little long, but that might just be because I read it on Kindle and I get tired of that. I can't say what I would recommend she cut out. It was an ambitious book as it addressed what friendship is, meeting friendship needs in God, how to serve others in friendship, how to make friends, how to deepen friendships, and then how to be a good friend in various ways (including the challenging need to speak truth and hold our friends accountable--confrontation is scary to me). But ultimately. . .well, it's really a book about building our relationship with the Lord and serving others from that place. "The goal, ultimately, is faithfulness rather than friendship, but our faithfulness to God is evidenced by how we love others, and this love of others inevitably attracts people. Friendship is a happy by-product of faithfulness."
I would like to read it again in a hard copy and discuss the questions at the back of the book with a friend or few. It also made me want to read Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book Life Together. (so many books, so little time)
The book is a little long, but that might just be because I read it on Kindle and I get tired of that. I can't say what I would recommend she cut out. It was an ambitious book as it addressed what friendship is, meeting friendship needs in God, how to serve others in friendship, how to make friends, how to deepen friendships, and then how to be a good friend in various ways (including the challenging need to speak truth and hold our friends accountable--confrontation is scary to me). But ultimately. . .well, it's really a book about building our relationship with the Lord and serving others from that place. "The goal, ultimately, is faithfulness rather than friendship, but our faithfulness to God is evidenced by how we love others, and this love of others inevitably attracts people. Friendship is a happy by-product of faithfulness."
I would like to read it again in a hard copy and discuss the questions at the back of the book with a friend or few. It also made me want to read Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book Life Together. (so many books, so little time)
August 30, 2019
I picked this book up after listening to the author’s podcast (specifically her season on friendship). This book has some really solid points. I would consider this a really good introductory book on friendship. My favorite quote was when she said, “People are not fillers for a present God, and God is not a placeholder for future friends.” I think that this is a good reminder that our friends are not God, and they never will be. I also like when she mentioned that we should have an eye for the outsiders instead of an eye to being an insider.
My main critique of this book is her over-generalization. At many points she said, “All women want...” or “As women we...” First, if it is a universal longing that God puts in human hearts it isn’t JUST for women. That longing would apply to everyone (male and female). Second, if it is a longing that people can have, but isn’t explicit in the Bible and more along the lines of personality, you can’t extrapolate that desire to every woman. If she said, “Many women...” or “Most women that I encounter...” that is different.
This might be picky, but I’ve seen the danger of assumptions of other’s desires (specifically what women want or should want) in the church, and I find blanket statements unhelpful.
I would give this four stars overall because it is a solid book with solid truth and solid thoughts. I also would definitely recommend the season on her podcast about friendship.
My main critique of this book is her over-generalization. At many points she said, “All women want...” or “As women we...” First, if it is a universal longing that God puts in human hearts it isn’t JUST for women. That longing would apply to everyone (male and female). Second, if it is a longing that people can have, but isn’t explicit in the Bible and more along the lines of personality, you can’t extrapolate that desire to every woman. If she said, “Many women...” or “Most women that I encounter...” that is different.
This might be picky, but I’ve seen the danger of assumptions of other’s desires (specifically what women want or should want) in the church, and I find blanket statements unhelpful.
I would give this four stars overall because it is a solid book with solid truth and solid thoughts. I also would definitely recommend the season on her podcast about friendship.
April 19, 2017
(Disclosure: I received a book for being a part of Christine's launch team.)
I enjoyed this book. It's a great topic, and Hoover's thoughts are biblical and clear. A lot of Christian books are true but boring, or interesting without depth. Hoover's writing is both true and well spoken. I wasn't surprised when I checked out her goodreads profile and saw the diversity of her reading habits. Being well read may not seem to be a big deal to some people, but it can result in a freshness of thought that is unbeatable when combined with a knowledge of Scripture. Hoover isn't simply repeating [insert famous author] from a woman's perspective.
Here are the major sections of the book:
A New Vision for Friendship
Threats to Friendship
Discovering and Deepening Friendship
Being a Friend
Receiving Friendship
A few places that I particularly liked:
In "A New Vision for Friendship," Hoover challenges a self-centered mindset of friendship that plagues even Christians. Instead of searching for the one friend to be all in all, or trying to be the one friend in all for all, Christians must recognize that, first, Christ is the perfect friend. People will fail us, and we will be disappointed if we expect a "true" friend to live up to a standard that only God can do. Second, friendship is an opportunity to love others, not primarily a way to serve ourselves. If we do not understand a biblical mindset of friendship, we will be chasing the wind. I like that she starts by defining friendship in biblical language and principles.
"Threats to Friendship" tackles fear, insecurity, discouragement, and a lack of knowhow as impediments to friendships. These probably aren't the only threats, but they are certainly significant ones.
"If fear lies at the heart of our attempts at friendship, our interactions with other women will be drenched with insecurity. We will be entirely unable to handle conflict, we will lash out at anything that brushes against our old wounds, and we will be quick to retreat at the first whiff of difficulty...This may be the way worldly friendship goes, but it doesn't resemble anything we see in Scripture" (page 54).
"Whether from self-consciousness or laziness, we simply don't want to have to take the initiative with other women... Instead, we should want to be seekers. Initiative-takers." (page 71).
"Discovering and Deepening Friendship" is about ways Christians can find friends. In a way, she is teaching the biblical art of hospitality in these chapters. She encourages responsible transparency (authentic friendship). Chapter 13, "Friend Magnet," was the first place where I wished Hoover had taken more time to develop a section. She seems to communicate that making friends easily is simply a skill one can be better or worse at. I didn't see the nuance where different personalities have different styles of friendships with different strengths and weaknesses. For example, how does an introvert develop friends differently than an extrovert, and what can we learn from each style? I loved her thought about using one's social gifts to bring new friends together. I've seen some of my social friends excel in this skill, and I've seen how it blesses the body of Christ. This idea is worth developing more.
"...Part of honoring others is connecting others. There is a special kind of joy in connecting two women we think will hit it off or who share a story, interest, or life circumstance. We don't have to be everyone's bestie, and just because we've included someone doesn't mean we have to become their intimate friend. We can help foster community among women by being a bridge between them" (page 114).
I also like her suggestion that we take the time to list (or name) the different friends God has brought into our lives at a given moment. We have different types of friendships that we sometimes forget about, or undervalue, until we take inventory and realize that God has given us each friend for a reason.
"Naming [our friends] is simply a marker for stewardship. What relationships are priorities for me in this season of life, and how can I invest well in those? Am I stewarding well the friendships God has given me?" (page 118)
Finally, I appreciated her discussion on giving and receiving throughout the book, and the reminders that Christ is our Savior, not any person. We do not need to become junior messiahs for our friends, and our friends cannot be junior messiahs for us! (Hat tip: Bob Needham!) We don't have to solve our friends' problems to be good friends. Far more often than solving problems, we can be listening, praying, and helping.
Yes, this would be a great book for discussion or a book club! In fact, this book is perhaps best read in community, because of the richness different cultures, personalities, and life seasons bring to a group.
Would it be good for kids? This is a little more tricky. The content is sound, and biblical principles are inherently universal and diverse, transcending personality, age, and station in life. However, the examples and stories Hoover tells are of adult women, so teens may not be especially drawn to the content. At the same time, the topic itself, the book organization, and the study questions are all relevant to a wider audience. I hope she'll consider a young readers edition in the future.
I enjoyed this book. It's a great topic, and Hoover's thoughts are biblical and clear. A lot of Christian books are true but boring, or interesting without depth. Hoover's writing is both true and well spoken. I wasn't surprised when I checked out her goodreads profile and saw the diversity of her reading habits. Being well read may not seem to be a big deal to some people, but it can result in a freshness of thought that is unbeatable when combined with a knowledge of Scripture. Hoover isn't simply repeating [insert famous author] from a woman's perspective.
Here are the major sections of the book:
A New Vision for Friendship
Threats to Friendship
Discovering and Deepening Friendship
Being a Friend
Receiving Friendship
A few places that I particularly liked:
In "A New Vision for Friendship," Hoover challenges a self-centered mindset of friendship that plagues even Christians. Instead of searching for the one friend to be all in all, or trying to be the one friend in all for all, Christians must recognize that, first, Christ is the perfect friend. People will fail us, and we will be disappointed if we expect a "true" friend to live up to a standard that only God can do. Second, friendship is an opportunity to love others, not primarily a way to serve ourselves. If we do not understand a biblical mindset of friendship, we will be chasing the wind. I like that she starts by defining friendship in biblical language and principles.
"Threats to Friendship" tackles fear, insecurity, discouragement, and a lack of knowhow as impediments to friendships. These probably aren't the only threats, but they are certainly significant ones.
"If fear lies at the heart of our attempts at friendship, our interactions with other women will be drenched with insecurity. We will be entirely unable to handle conflict, we will lash out at anything that brushes against our old wounds, and we will be quick to retreat at the first whiff of difficulty...This may be the way worldly friendship goes, but it doesn't resemble anything we see in Scripture" (page 54).
"Whether from self-consciousness or laziness, we simply don't want to have to take the initiative with other women... Instead, we should want to be seekers. Initiative-takers." (page 71).
"Discovering and Deepening Friendship" is about ways Christians can find friends. In a way, she is teaching the biblical art of hospitality in these chapters. She encourages responsible transparency (authentic friendship). Chapter 13, "Friend Magnet," was the first place where I wished Hoover had taken more time to develop a section. She seems to communicate that making friends easily is simply a skill one can be better or worse at. I didn't see the nuance where different personalities have different styles of friendships with different strengths and weaknesses. For example, how does an introvert develop friends differently than an extrovert, and what can we learn from each style? I loved her thought about using one's social gifts to bring new friends together. I've seen some of my social friends excel in this skill, and I've seen how it blesses the body of Christ. This idea is worth developing more.
"...Part of honoring others is connecting others. There is a special kind of joy in connecting two women we think will hit it off or who share a story, interest, or life circumstance. We don't have to be everyone's bestie, and just because we've included someone doesn't mean we have to become their intimate friend. We can help foster community among women by being a bridge between them" (page 114).
I also like her suggestion that we take the time to list (or name) the different friends God has brought into our lives at a given moment. We have different types of friendships that we sometimes forget about, or undervalue, until we take inventory and realize that God has given us each friend for a reason.
"Naming [our friends] is simply a marker for stewardship. What relationships are priorities for me in this season of life, and how can I invest well in those? Am I stewarding well the friendships God has given me?" (page 118)
Finally, I appreciated her discussion on giving and receiving throughout the book, and the reminders that Christ is our Savior, not any person. We do not need to become junior messiahs for our friends, and our friends cannot be junior messiahs for us! (Hat tip: Bob Needham!) We don't have to solve our friends' problems to be good friends. Far more often than solving problems, we can be listening, praying, and helping.
Yes, this would be a great book for discussion or a book club! In fact, this book is perhaps best read in community, because of the richness different cultures, personalities, and life seasons bring to a group.
Would it be good for kids? This is a little more tricky. The content is sound, and biblical principles are inherently universal and diverse, transcending personality, age, and station in life. However, the examples and stories Hoover tells are of adult women, so teens may not be especially drawn to the content. At the same time, the topic itself, the book organization, and the study questions are all relevant to a wider audience. I hope she'll consider a young readers edition in the future.
January 28, 2024
I really like the premise of this book; helping women cultivate healthy friendships in the church. And there are nuggets of wisdom within the book, some the author's and some from other Christian writers. However, as a British reader this book was far too culturally American for me and at times saccharine.
It is written from the author's perspective of "when we were children, friendship merely happened to us" and now we're struggling for friends. Unfortunately, my childhood experience of friendship wasn't this ideal and I've found friendships easier as I've got older and more comfortable with who I am and not worrying about what others think of me.
So, I come from a different place with this. It's not the end of the world. However, the hardest thing about this book was the length. There were just far, far too many anecdotes for me, which had to be waded through to get the nuggets of truth.
I've no doubt this book will be a blessing and help for many women. However, for me, I was done half way through it. If only there was an abridged version!
It is written from the author's perspective of "when we were children, friendship merely happened to us" and now we're struggling for friends. Unfortunately, my childhood experience of friendship wasn't this ideal and I've found friendships easier as I've got older and more comfortable with who I am and not worrying about what others think of me.
So, I come from a different place with this. It's not the end of the world. However, the hardest thing about this book was the length. There were just far, far too many anecdotes for me, which had to be waded through to get the nuggets of truth.
I've no doubt this book will be a blessing and help for many women. However, for me, I was done half way through it. If only there was an abridged version!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 6, 2017
Spotted this book at The Gospel Coalition conference and was shocked I hadn't heard anything about it yet, only to realize it hadn't been officially released yet, ha! I was shocked because I feel like this is a topic so many women struggle with and crave insight on, so thank God for Christine Hoover and the struggles and experiences she's had which led to this book.
Main points that stick with me: rather than crying about not having friends or having great friends, serving and posturing as a friend and servant first. Also, remembering that Christ is the ultimate and only perfect Friend, and by remembering that, it helps us put human, fallible friends in their proper place and with the right expectations.
Challenged to reflect on my friendships and to be a better one to those around me.
Main points that stick with me: rather than crying about not having friends or having great friends, serving and posturing as a friend and servant first. Also, remembering that Christ is the ultimate and only perfect Friend, and by remembering that, it helps us put human, fallible friends in their proper place and with the right expectations.
Challenged to reflect on my friendships and to be a better one to those around me.
December 16, 2017
While this may not have offered any particularly life-changing wisdom or profound new thoughts, it was a great refresher on the importance and blessing of friendship. It’s costly and messy and inconvenient, but so very worth the hard work and even the pain. The tone of the book was very conversational, which I’m not used to, but it made me feel like I was being personally discipled by this woman, and her writing style grew on me. Friendship is more fruitful when we focus on being a friend rather than getting friends; when we consider others to be more important than ourselves; when we sacrifice to meet someone else’s needs instead of pursuing our own; and when we take the initiative and put ourselves out there rather than waiting to be approached.
December 9, 2018
4.5 stars. This book really pushed and challenged me to consider my view of friendship. It's so easy to have a consumer mentality even in our friendships, where we allow relationships to become about us, how the other person makes us feel, etc., and this book definitely poked at my tendency to do that. As a result of reading this book I feel challenged and encouraged to pursue others with the love of Christ, recognizing that the idea of BFF's can be childish and harmful, particularly within the church. I'm challenged to look for those on the fringes and pursue them in love as Christ does us. Highly recommend this. Would be a great book club read.
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