Insomnia
Three is the loneliest number on the clock
when the night can’t save you.
No doubt it is the constellated tug,
a conspiracy of start, the silent, primal
voice that whispers the uselessness,
that grinds great gears,
that mocks the hubris of careful plans,
set alarms. Every blanketed life around you
sleeps safe and happy and secure
like nothing can touch them, like change
has made its exception, named it you,
and passed finally over the frosted roof.
This was a meaningful poem for those of us that can’t sleep. Last night I left my kindle in the bedroom, closed but not turned off, and at 3:26 exactly, two Goodreads emails found their way into my mail box: Kerplunk, kerplunk. One was from my friend Ted Morgan, liking my update; the other one was updates from my friends.
I want to tell Ken that three a.m. is the best time to write, because it is the creative hour.
“Return of the Native
In the beach house you don’t own you walk
barefoot
over knotted slats of wood, soles scrimmed gray
with dust. The door, left ajar by yesterday’s heat,
has let the lonely sounds of a conch inside.
It hides somewhere and nowhere, inner walls
scoured smooth and hard from its narrow breath…
Someone who doesn’t live here is in the kitchen
baking jonny cake in iron skillets.
Someone who doesn’t read here has left the book open,
red silk marker bleeding at the crease…
I remember a rented beach house, my friends, their family, seagulls flying down to catch the bread that you have tossed in the air to them. I tried my first and only buttered oyster there. And last of all, I remember the sea shells, that are hard to find now, lining the window sills.
Jiggety-jig
“They say you can’t go home again,
So I did,” are the opening words of one of Ken Craft’s poems. How many of us have done just that and learned the hard way? And so his memories of his grandpa come flooding back to him as he stands in the yard, but I won’t write of his grandpa because that is for him to tell.
“The corner garden?
A garden of gone now.
All those house and days as a juvenile
inmate pulling weeds by the hair,
shaking dirt from the legs…
‘I used to live in this house,’ I smile
with all the confidence of the condemned
‘That’s nice,’ he says. ‘but maybe you should
be going now instead of standing other people’s back yard.’”
I thought of the farm house where my husband and I first lived. I had to see it again, but as we approached I saw that my herb garden was gone, as were the fruit trees, and in their place were cages with roosters used for cock fighting. The screened-in porch that my husband built was now enclosed, gone were the summer days when we slept outside and listened to the coyotes, the red-tailed hawks, and the owl in the tree. My stenciling of the walls, too, was gone. All that was left that I could and could not see were the ashes of my father that I had scattered on the land. Maybe he will haunt them for what they have done.
And then there was my grandmother’s house in Inglewood, CA. I went to see it. Its new owner was out in the yard. We talked. I remembered the laundry shoot, and he said that it was still there. Entering the house, I began telling him about my grandmother’s hutch, and how she made homemade cookies that I would try to sneak out of the cookie jar, but my great grandmother would always catch me, well, almost always. And how my grandmother bought bread from the bread man that went by the house. Her bread box was always full of bread and pasties. Yum! This nice young man and his wife took us in the kitchen and there it was, just as it always was, Grandmother’s hutch. I took photos. But my grandmother’s garden was gone, no fig tree, no carnations that smelled so good. Sometimes you can go home again, because the people you knew are gone now, and it is only you that remains with the memories.