What's the Big Deal About Pornography? A Guide for the Internet Generation

by Jill C. Manning

Dr. Manning speaks directly to the young people she calls the "internet generation." She discusses such topics * "What is pornography?" * "How does pornography affect people?" * "Can pornography teach me things about sexuality that I need to know in the future?" * "What do I do if I can't stop looking at pornography?" * "What do I do if someone I know can't stop looking at pornography?" * "11 suggestions teens should talk to their parents about." This book is the expanded version of the uncensored answers she gave to the boys in her therapy groups.

Genres: Nonfiction, Pornography

176 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2008

Reviews

[Elisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book although a bit outdated (2008). It’s even more prevalent now that everyone’s got the World Wide Web and social media in their pocket on a tiny screen that are filled with porn and you don’t even have to go looking for it, it’s just there (worse If social media knows your age and gender). This book contained fantastic insights on what porn is, how to minimized its effects (creating boundaries and rules and setting up filters or in the case of phones, maybe consider not having social media or an internet browser on your phone and no App Store, if it’s a temptation ), and what to do if you want to break free of the habit. Here are my notes from the book:

porn is material designed to arouse sexual feelings, and people by depicting nudity, sexual behavior, or any type of sexual information.

everyone can know when something is trying to evoke sexual feelings in them through unhealthy or deceitful means. Confusion sets in when people ignore their gut feelings and buy into little lies pornography cells. When people accept these lies, they become desensitized to how weird or shocking material is and they start rationalizing or justifying why it’s OK to look at it.
Women become objects. The author, who is a therapist, worked with someone who said that when he would see girls or women walking down the street he couldn’t help but imagine what they would look like naked. He became a prisoner in his own mind. Page 33.
Our thinking, becomes distorted and unhealthy.

What makes healthy, long lasting marriage relationships:
1. I mutual belief that marriage is important
2. A mutual belief that marriage is long-term
3. A mutual belief that spirituality is an important part of marriage
4. The ability to be flexible when faced with change
5. Cooperate and work together
6. Enjoy spending time together
7. Feel appreciated and supported
8. Are faithful and loyal to one another
9. Use good communication skills
10. Mutual enjoyment of sexual relations that strengthen marriage relationship
11. Respect and trust one another
12. Emphasis on positive thinking and acting, positive interactions out number negative ones with ratio 5:1
13. Spouses, who share similar values
Pg 38
Many companies enforce Internet abuse policies by firing employees who use porn on company computers or phones

People can masturbate without looking at porn, but it is rare that a person will watch porn and not masturbate. Masturbation can condition a person to think of sexual experiences in self-centered ways.
Negative effects of masturbation:
• When we have a sexual response, while looking intensely at an image, the hormones and neurotransmitters that are released in our bodies during the sexual response, act like glue, cementing the Image in our mind making it harder to forget.
• People can become bonded and attached to the images they see due to hormone oxytocin, which is released in sexual response. This hormone helps us feel connected to someone else, like a mom bonds to her nursing baby when oxytocin is released. When masturbating to porn, oxytocin is released And encourages one’s body and mind to become bonded to the image/stranger they masturbating to. Page 54 to 55.
Healthy sexuality, encompasses, many amazing aspects of life: our gender, our spirit, our body, our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our attractions and many of our most important hopes and dreams. Page 58.

Jill Manning taught human sexuality courses at University level and worked with hundreds of people as a marriage and family therapist including many couples, struggling with their sexual relationship. Porn is rooted in fantasy rather than the reality of loving, healthy relationships.
Safe Books to learn more about human sexuality: growing up: gospel answers about masturbation and sex by Brad Wilcox
How and when to tell your kids about sex by Brenna Jones and Stan Jones
Kids ask about sex. Honest answers for every age edited by Melissa Cox and medical Institute for sex and health.
10 talk parents must have with their children about sex and character by pepper Schwartz
How to talk with teens about love, relationships and sex by Amy G Miron

Chapter 5 what should I do when exposed to porn?

How we handle accidental exposures is what will determine the degree to which the pornography will affect us, and whether or not a pornography habit, will take route.
Six things we can do to respond effectively to accidental exposure:
1. Name it - this is empowering and helps us know what to do next
2. Cover your eyes/ears as quickly as you can. It will help us to think more clearly, and make better choices.
3. Identify the lie and the opposing truth about sexuality. Pornographic images lose their power, if we can see through their lies and identify how they were trying to manipulate our feelings. “That person is a child of God, and not designed to be used as a sex toy for the public.“
4. Tell someone about the exposure as soon as possible
5. Turn to something positive, uplifting, and wholesome to refocus your mind, body and spirit
6. Learn from the experience, and identify ways that it might be avoided in the future

Chapter 6 what if I can’t stop looking?
Most of us, underestimate how many times we have engaged in the negative pattern or habit. The person with a porn habit will be out of touch with how many times he’s used porn. The more person feels ashamed and embarrassed about behavior, the more he will try to minimize how big the problem really is, because it is too painful to see it clearly.

• Get real and get a calculator out and come up with real numbers. Calculate how many hours have been spent on this or how much money.
The therapist always asks how many years they’ve been looking at pornography and how many times a day and how many days a week. She will subtract When they stayed clean and come up with a total number, which is often shocking to the individual, but helps them realize that something needs to be done.

1. Identify rationalizations, you use to help keep porn in your life. All of us tend to rationalize or justify behaviors we know may not be good for us, but that we’d like to do anyway. Rationalization is a faulty, belief, stretched truth, or flat out lie we tell ourselves in order to make ourselves feel better about inappropriate behaviors. Rationalizations help us override our values, good judgment, and best self.
Take Action: Identify the rationalizations you use to make you feel better about your poor use, and then be honest about how those thoughts are affecting your life. Write the rationalization and related truth. Pg 97

• Figure out what matters most to you and the goals that motivate you
If you truly want to overcome a habit of looking at pornography you must identify the reasons why you want to do so, and what you are giving it up for… if you have a strong sense of purpose behind why you are giving pornography up, you are better able to stick to your guns and be successful. If you don’t have several strong motivators to stop pornography, you may need to do some careful thinking about who you want to become and then start developing goals that help you move towards that version of you.98
Take action: what are some reasons for you to stop looking at pornography? In other words, what are some life goals that pornography gets in the way of you achieving?

• Identify the needs pornography helps you meet
Pornography wouldn’t be in your life if it didn’t do something for you. Overcoming a pornography habit involves learning how to take care of yourself in new ways and making sure you are in a healthy zone as much of the time as possible. Review the following list of needs and try to figure out if pornography helps. You meet any of them. Keep in mind that each category could contain many more items, use this list as a total to get you thinking. Once you identify the need or needs pornography helps you meet, identify several healthy alternatives that will help you get your needs met. The more alternatives you can identify the better.
1. Physical needs
• I need pornography to relax when my body gets stressed. (Alternative: exercise.)
2. Social needs
• I feel lonely and looking at pornography, helps me escape from that. (alternative: call Friend, join school, club, or devote time to making friends)
3. Emotional needs
• I feel bad about myself, but when I look at pornography, I feel desirable and attractive(alternative: develops self-confidence through setting and achieving a wholesome goal, focus on developing healthy friendships, do something nice for someone that involves you sacrificing your time)
4. Spiritual needs
• I feel like God doesn’t care about me, and I am angry at how alone I feel. I look at pornography for a quick fix.(alternative: talk about your feelings with the religious leader, or trusted adult, pray, write in a journal.)
Take action: what are some of the needs pornography helps you meet? What are some healthy alternatives?

• Identify what triggers you to use pornography.
A trigger is anything that kickstart your desire to look at pornography. Identifying what your triggers are is a key step and figuring out ways to change this unhealthy pattern in your life. People are commonly triggered by boredom, loneliness, anger, sexual arousal, hunger, stress, or tiredness.
Take action: which of these are your triggers? Do you have any other triggers?( such as time of day, location, being alone,)? 103

• Tell someone and be accountable to that person
Secrecy breeds all sorts of trouble for negative and destructive habits in our lives. Telling someone you trust about your problem does several important things: one it breaks down the secrecy, two it provides you access to possible supports, and three it makes you accountable to someone else. Once you have told this person that you were struggling with a pornography habit, ask him or her if you can check in on a regular basis, like weekly or daily, to let them know how you are doing. Give this person permission to ask you about your progress.104

• Connect with real people
Pornography trained us to disconnect from reality, and to become immersed in a fantasy world. Part of healing from a pornography habit involves becoming more connected to real people that means working on developing healthy relationships with family and male friends. One young man I worked with would spend time with his mom, his sister, or his friends when he was tempted to use pornography.

• Take really good care of yourself
When we take good care of ourselves, and strive to have our physical, emotional, social, and spiritual needs met in healthy ways, it helps us stay in a safe and balance zone. When our needs are being met in healthy ways, we are less likely to turn to destructive behavior, or go to extremes in our thinking or actions. Take inventory of your life and figure out how you could improve your wellness in one or two areas. You will feel healthier, more confident, and have less urge to turn to pornography.

• Shake up and clean up your room(or wherever you usually look at porn). (Add pictures of family, Jesus or loved ones that will remind & motivate you, clean up your area, move furniture around so your computer desk can be easily seen by anyone who walks in, no locks on door)
• Get busy and get active
Being active and engaged in fun, activities is good for your body, mind, and spirit. Exercise of any kind can be an enormously, helpful tool for overcoming pornography. Exercise can help you relax, sleep, better, feel more confident, and release, physical and sexual tension. It will also get you out in the land of the living instead of in front of a computer screen or video game monitor.
• Cut down on sugar and caffeine
pornography acts like a stimulant to the body. When you are trying to overcome the temptation to look at pornography, extra stimulants in your body, will make it harder to be calm, levelheaded, and able to use your best judgment. Reducing sugar and caffeine in your diet can help with this.
• Cut off access to pornography
This is probably the most obvious and simplistic suggestion, but one that a surprising number of people don’t take action. If Internet pornography is a problem for you, shut down your access to that type of pornography. This may involve moving the computer to an open space in your home, having your parents password protect your computer, installing an Internet filter, using the computers at school, or the library for homework, removing Internet access from your Home, or temporarily getting rid of your computer altogether. be clear on what is a need versus a want. Your well-being is a need having easy access to the Internet is a want and convenience. (Take internet off phone and all social media apps. Take App Store off your phone and have a loved one only have the screentime passcode to be able to put AppStore back on and add apps)

• Establish new media standards for yourself
(Stop viewing television programs after 8 PM or only watch PG rated films etc)
• Limit video game use
In the therapist experience, most young adults, who struggle with pornography use, are also heavily into video games. Limiting video game, playing and changing the games you play is often an necessary step in overcoming pornography. Many video games contain pornographic, themes, or content, online video games, frequently have pornographic pop-ups or ads linked, Video game playing often becomes excessive and helps young people avoid exercise and well rounded relationships, video game use, helps young people tune out and become disconnected from feelings, conversation, and real interactions for long periods of time. If you are using video games choose games that are clean and wholesome and have healthy limits on your gaming so that the other areas of your life do not suffer 109

• Learn something new that’s challenging to do
Take action: what are some things you’ve always wanted to do, try, or learn, but haven’t yet?
• Take charge of your day
The triggers to turn to pornography almost always come when we have let our guard down and forgotten to take care of ourselves in an important way like we, we allowed ourselves to get too hungry, too stressed, too bored, or too lonely. Planning your day and making sure your needs get met are important steps in healing. If planning, what you were going to do and eat each day seems like too much, start out with a weekly plan of what you need to do in order to remain in a healthy mindset.
• Avoid being alone
When people look at pornography or masturbate, they are almost always alone. If being alone is a key trigger for you to look at pornography, and you don’t trust yourself when you are by yourself, take action to reduce the amount of time you are alone. You can try many things to Make sure you are not alone for too long: ask someone to be with you, leave the bathroom door open slightly when you are in there, remove the door from the entryway to your bedroom, leave the door open if you were just hanging out in your room, sleep somewhere else in the house, share a room with someone, hang out more in rooms in your house where family are more likely to be, or change your sleep schedule to coincide better with that of your parents or siblings.
• Learn about human sexuality from accurate sources
Because pornography teaches so many lies about human sexuality, women, men, bodies, and relationships, people who have looked at a lot of pornography, almost always have very distorted and inaccurate views of sexuality.
• Develop your spirituality
Pornography separates and disconnects us from spiritual things, and everything that is sacred, wholesome, and good. Recommitting to spirituality helps us become grounded, and know what our limits and abilities are, what is real, and what is false, and how to nourish parts of ourselves that have been neglected, or damaged through destructive habit or addiction. 113
• Serve and focus on others
Pornography breeds selfishness, more than any other behavior, or habit, I know of. Getting over yourself and learning to give of your time, talents, and energy to others, are critical parts of overcoming this habit…. pornography pulls us away from seeing the true beauty in real women.
• Journal feelings
Writing out our feelings and thoughts is a helpful way to get a different perspective on our life or to just let things out.
• Ride the wave out
Those who have developed a habit of masturbating to pornography, often developed the belief that if they feel a sexual urge or feeling, they must act on it right away. Learning to ride those feelings out without acting on them, is an important step in recovery and self-discipline, therapist often refer to that step is writing the wave out. People are often surprised that nothing bad happens when they acknowledge the urge, but don’t act on it. In the same way, that self-discipline is the key to a healthy life with regard to eating, sleeping, and managing emotions, learning to manage sexual feeling, and realizing that we may have such feelings without it, being appropriate to act on them, is a sign of maturity.
• Join a support group
• Seek professional help from a therapist who treats, pornography problems
Find a therapist who works with sexual addictions
• Talk with your doctor
Some people struggle with a medical problem that makes it more difficult difficult for them to overcome a pornography habit. Conditions such as anxiety disorders, ADD, ADHD, depression, obsessive, compulsive disorder, sleep disorders are examples of types of medical problems that can make it more difficult to stop looking at pornography.
• Practice, practice, practice!
Overcoming any habit takes hard, work, and patience, not to mention practice, practice, practice. If you have identified some strategies that you think will help you in your goal to be free of pornography, be patient with yourself as you learn to master these new skills. Often pornography problems remain hidden and secret for a long time before people get help or even decide that they need to stop, in the same way, it can take a while for new habits to take hold. Celebrate the fact that you are even willing to address this issue in your life and then do your best. When you get stuck or have slips, reach out for help and support. You do not have to tackle this issue on your own.
• Learn the truth about pornography stars
If you have never given the truth about pornography stars, much thought, you may want to watch the documentary called traffic control: the peoples war on Internet porn
• The majority of porn stars have been victims of physical and sexual abuse
• Most feel unworthy of being loved
• Most struggle with drug addictions, and are on drugs when they perform
• Most deal with mental health issues, such as PTSD, depression, personality disorders
• Most endure emotional and physical pain, not pleasure, while performing in pornographic scenes(which is the reason for the drugs before they perform)
Overcoming a pornography habit is hard work, but it is possible. The approaches people used to overcome a pornography habit usually need to become part of their lifestyle if they hope to stay safe and healthy over the long-haul. Because of pornography influence on the brain, some of its triggers and associations will always remain in your memory, and can put you at risk for acting out again. The goal is to stop pornography from being an active problem, and to replace the habit with healthy practices and attitudes.

[Shara Ogilvie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be REQUIRED READING for every adult and teen. It is so well written and arms the reader with tons of useful information. The book talks about effects of pornography, what pornography actually is, how long it has existed, what can be done, etc, etc. Loved this book. I got it from the library, but ordered my own copy today.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

After attending an anti-pornography conference, I decided to read this book to get more informed about the effects of pornography. It is very informative and has great suggestions on how to avoid accidents and how to deal with them when they do happen. It's a great book for families.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. We are in the last days with the internet highway to crap!

[Mindy Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great book. Geared towards the teen generation with questions about pornography. There were a lot of great insights in this book, but my one complaint is that it is so old. Old, meaning it was published in 2008 and things in the internet and cyber world have changed SO much! I really enjoyed the stories that are portrayed in the book, but think that they could really use some updating. Things weren’t too far off the Mark, but it seems like this book could be more effective with some updates. I am anxious to see what my children think about this book. Great read for teenage boys, I do believe.

[Greg Hutchins · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very outdated. I thought there would be more concrete evidence on the effects of porn use and how to teach children/youth, but it was pretty basic and not very data heavy (which is what I was wanting). There are only a handful of statistics in the entire book.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for parents.

“The plague of pornography is a very big deal that we cannot afford to ignore.”

[Janeen Hare · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Manning specializes in clinical work and research related to pornography and other problems with regard to sexual behavior. The book is compassionate, full of suggestions and strategies to combat a very real problem in our society and one that will only continue to escalate, given the easy access to the Internet and the tricky ways pornographers market their wares. I did not realize that music videos are considered "beginner's porn". (CNN Paula Zahn Now, 2007) The book is full of ideas for every aspect of preventing, overcoming, and combating pornography. It includes lists of references of helpful organizations and books. It definitely did a lot to open my eyes as to what is going on in the world today and the battle we must wage in order to keep relationships healthy.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Five stars for content. Jill Manning is an LDS author, but she did not write this book speaking from an LDS "pornography is morally wrong" or "don't look at porn because you're not supposed to" point of view. Rather, she focuses on how pornography damages individuals, families and society and backs it up with what the research shows and what she's seen as a marriage and family therapist. The book is meant to inform youth and teenagers of the truth about pornography and its consequences in a very straightforward way. I bought this book and it will be required reading for my kids as they enter the teen years. In the meantime, I will refer to it as I teach my older kids about internet safety and healthy sexuality. (How did we get to this age so fast?! They were just babies . . . )

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard this author speak at a Time Out for Women. Dr. Manning was very straightforward and frank about this topic and honestly, her talk was quite intriguing. I didn't think I'd have an interest in learning about pornography issues because I personally don't have a problem with it, but I went away from her talk with a need to protect my family from the terrible effects of pornography. This is a must read for any parent. It's an easy read, but a difficult subject. I now feel better prepared to protect my family from internet dangers.

[Sariah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think every parent should read this. Pornography is a growing epidemic, especially among young boys. They are not aware of the dangers and some people will even try to convince them there is NO danger involved. This book is not "shaming" in any way. It simply offers data and facts on how pornography affects the individual consuming, the relationships that person has, and the community at large as well as being harmful to actors in pornography (human trafficking etc.) It is a must-read and offers resources to protect from exposure and finding help.

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is FABULOUS book with exceptional information for ALL parents. It is easy to understand and practical. It exposes this terrifying trend among boys and girls to view internet pornography. It expands on the difference between Internet porn and magazine porn. I recommend this book with flying colors. Author states information for "when" not "if" a child will view porn. VERY POWERFUL!!!!

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jeff had this book recommended to him as a book that would be helpful in counseling people. I read it and found it gave great information to help me help my children protect themselves.
I highly recommend it.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

So I was a little nervous to put this on my book list...but I think it's important information for parents in this technological world. I thought the book had great info, discussion questions to use when talking to your kids, and helpful solutions. Worth my time, for sure!

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very sick on Christmas Day, and while I was feverish and in bed, I read this book that we had given Andrew for Christmas. I learned A LOT, and I hope I can help my boys navigate the media available to them now. Every parent should read this!

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a good, powerful book. I honestly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Every person is in danger of pornography and this book can provide guidelines to keep yourself and your children safe from pornography.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

No matter your age, I would recommend reading this book. Pornography is affecting our society dramatically and educating ourselves about it will help us to protect our families and friends, especially our children.

[Ami · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good to be in touch with what the 'younger generation' is facing as well as how to discuss this topic with them. I've always believed in being straightforward when it comes to teens and hard topics. Dr. Manning just reiterates that point.

[Michaella · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book that reveals the truth about pornography without going into disgusting detail. You can tell it's a few years old, but the information is still good. Definitely a good read if you have plans on raising children in the next 20 years.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very straightforward and appropriate. Great info to empower adults in guiding youth. Excellent resource.

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just started this book tonight & almost done reading ! Quick & easy read considering the subject matter. Every home need a copy of this book !!

[Brittany K · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a research-based explanation of the dangers of pornography addiction. Every parent should read this.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

really great read, everything is clearly and convincingly explained. I really loved ch 5, what to do if you have an accidental encounter.

[Sean · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good resource for leaders and parents. More of a practical guide than a deep dive into addictive behaviors.

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well done book about a subject that unfortunately we have to address in our day. Great for teens and their parents.