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Etiquette for Mistresses...and What Wives Can Learn from Them
The landmark bestseller about women and the men who need them, trapped in love without marriage, romance without legitimacy...
Here are the mistresses' stories and their mistakes... The 'holiday orphans' who dread Christmas and Easter, and Valentine's Day...
The unsuspecting wives and the forgiving wives...
And the one industry that has risen to the challenge to provide mistresses a safety net...
Here are the mistresses' stories and their mistakes... The 'holiday orphans' who dread Christmas and Easter, and Valentine's Day...
The unsuspecting wives and the forgiving wives...
And the one industry that has risen to the challenge to provide mistresses a safety net...
- GenresNonfiction
214 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1993
139 people are currently reading
1716 people want to read
About the author
Jullie Yap Daza
8 books51 followersJullie Yap Daza is a prominent and prolific Filipino journalist, author, and television host. A trailblazer for women in media, she is recognized for writing opinion pieces and editorials on social issues during a time when women were mostly relegated to lifestyle and entertainment topics.
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
October 17, 2015
I came to know Julie Yap Daza in the 80's when she was hosting the TV talk show "Tell the People." During those tumultuous time in Philippine history, when snap election was held that led to the People Power Revolution, to the Marcoses exiling themselves to Hawaii and to Cory Aquino marching to Malacanang, Daza's program scrutinized all bits and pieces of the personalities involved in all these. She was the voice that made political talk shows during the time bearable and believable. I miss her way on fluently asking deep questions that exposes put phony (translation: dumb) politicians minds.
When this book, Etiquette for Mistresses came out in 1993, I picked a copy off the shelves but it did not appeal to me because I was engaged that time and was in the thick of preparations for my wedding (I married my wife in January 1994). Earlier this year, after 22 years, when I learned that Chito Rono was making a film inspired by this book, I started looking for a copy and it was only early this month when I saw and bought a copy at the Solidaridad Bookstore along Padre Faura.
No matter how I tried liking this book, I could not find myself relating to it. I am a firm believer of the sanctity of marriage. My parents only parted ways when my father died. So were my grandparents. So will be my parents-in-law. So with my siblings. So are myself and my wife. The only brush I had so far with illicit love affairs was when I was in my first company in the 80's and my teammate was having an affair with our officemate and I and my wife even saw them in the movie house. I am not sure about the 80's (when this book also came out). At that time, I heard many married people in our company falling with each other and having forbidden love affairs without their spouses at home knowing.
But now in the office? I haven't heard of any. Did our morals improve? Does this have something to do with men having not enough money to have a mistress and support a second family? Or I am turning to an old man and too focused on my job that I no longer have enough ties with people in the office so I have shielded myself from hot rumors?
However, then and even now, I don't condemn people in this kind of relationships. Reading has made me tolerant on anything anchored with love. I mean, literature made me respect love no matter in what form it exists. It is something that we cannot control: we fall in love with the wrong person or at the wrong time all the time. It's a feeling that we cannot control. What we can control though, is how we express that love.
This book seems to be hinging on that too. It advises the mistress to do everything to keep her relationship with her man. Then if their relationship lasts for 20 years, then it is there to keep. One sound advice that really made sense to me: the mistress must get a life insurance to be paid by the man with her and their children as the beneficiaries. House, car and even jewelry can be sequestered (hah, a popular term during the 80's) by the legal wife but not an insurance policy.
My most favorite story is the one about the Swiss watch given by the wife to her lover. There is no English masculine term for mistress. There is a double standard even in extra-marital affairs.
Maraming mga kuwento ng mga kabit dito: may babaeng na-fall sa mga may sabit na lalaki. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng mga binata, yong may asawa pa ang gusto nila. Hindi ko alam ba't ako na 51 years old, may trabaho, di naman pangit (ehem ehem), hindi nagkaroon ng ganitong istorya. Haha. Siguro wala akong pera. Lahat ng kuwento rito ni Julie Yap Daza, mga mayayaman.
Ang alam ko lang yong bakit naghahanap ang lalaking may-asawa ng kabit. Pero hindi ko nagawa yan. Ever. May muntik-muntikanan na. Pero di natuloy. Gastos lang. Sakit pa sa ulo.
At... walang regrets.
When this book, Etiquette for Mistresses came out in 1993, I picked a copy off the shelves but it did not appeal to me because I was engaged that time and was in the thick of preparations for my wedding (I married my wife in January 1994). Earlier this year, after 22 years, when I learned that Chito Rono was making a film inspired by this book, I started looking for a copy and it was only early this month when I saw and bought a copy at the Solidaridad Bookstore along Padre Faura.
No matter how I tried liking this book, I could not find myself relating to it. I am a firm believer of the sanctity of marriage. My parents only parted ways when my father died. So were my grandparents. So will be my parents-in-law. So with my siblings. So are myself and my wife. The only brush I had so far with illicit love affairs was when I was in my first company in the 80's and my teammate was having an affair with our officemate and I and my wife even saw them in the movie house. I am not sure about the 80's (when this book also came out). At that time, I heard many married people in our company falling with each other and having forbidden love affairs without their spouses at home knowing.
But now in the office? I haven't heard of any. Did our morals improve? Does this have something to do with men having not enough money to have a mistress and support a second family? Or I am turning to an old man and too focused on my job that I no longer have enough ties with people in the office so I have shielded myself from hot rumors?
However, then and even now, I don't condemn people in this kind of relationships. Reading has made me tolerant on anything anchored with love. I mean, literature made me respect love no matter in what form it exists. It is something that we cannot control: we fall in love with the wrong person or at the wrong time all the time. It's a feeling that we cannot control. What we can control though, is how we express that love.
This book seems to be hinging on that too. It advises the mistress to do everything to keep her relationship with her man. Then if their relationship lasts for 20 years, then it is there to keep. One sound advice that really made sense to me: the mistress must get a life insurance to be paid by the man with her and their children as the beneficiaries. House, car and even jewelry can be sequestered (hah, a popular term during the 80's) by the legal wife but not an insurance policy.
My most favorite story is the one about the Swiss watch given by the wife to her lover. There is no English masculine term for mistress. There is a double standard even in extra-marital affairs.
Maraming mga kuwento ng mga kabit dito: may babaeng na-fall sa mga may sabit na lalaki. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng mga binata, yong may asawa pa ang gusto nila. Hindi ko alam ba't ako na 51 years old, may trabaho, di naman pangit (ehem ehem), hindi nagkaroon ng ganitong istorya. Haha. Siguro wala akong pera. Lahat ng kuwento rito ni Julie Yap Daza, mga mayayaman.
Ang alam ko lang yong bakit naghahanap ang lalaking may-asawa ng kabit. Pero hindi ko nagawa yan. Ever. May muntik-muntikanan na. Pero di natuloy. Gastos lang. Sakit pa sa ulo.
At... walang regrets.
March 31, 2018
Brilliant, insightful, and timeless, (so it seems) Etiquette for Mistresses is actually an enjoyable piece of literature, I never thought I'd learn so much from. It's a great compilation of anecdotes from fierce wives and the overwhelming mistresses themselves. Even though this has been written in the 90s, I think every bit of advice noted in this book would still be useful and can still be considered noteworthy until today. I definitely would recommend for every woman to read this book as they might be able to put to good use the bits and pieces of advice Julie Yap Daza has shared here.
My favorite part of the book is this one, which can be found on pages, 177-178:
Married men who maintain mistresses have much to hide, you see, that's why they like their lives neat and predictable - everything in its proper place, like the bed right where he can plop down on, even in the dark; the telephone where he can pick it up with eyes closed should it ring in the middle of the night; the alarm clock that he grabs and shuts mute, both actions accomplished with swiftness in one movement of arm and hand, when he's not ready to wake up yet. He wants the wife breathing, thinking, talking, and behaving like a wife, so he wants the mistress breathing, talking, and behaving like a mistress. Nothing to do with fairness, just a simple matter of survival - his.
A fine demarcation line marks the territory of wife from mistress. That line, no matter how gray it is, symbolizes order, and order stands for the elimination of whatever is antithetical to a man's familiarity with routine and his longing for peace and quiet.
Witness how the man of the house is rarelt heard around the house. Until he misses the newspaper that did not arrive with the breakfast (surprise!), the driver who did not warn him yesterday of his absence today (surprise!), the daughter who just decided to elope with her beau of 17 days (surprise!), you will not hear a peep out of him. The lord of the manor is usually a man of few words because life is so well-ordered that he can afford not to complain.
But a mistress implies a lie, deception. Disorder in order. A potential powderkeg beneath the calm surface of compartmentalized life. All the more reason for everything and everyone being where he expects them to be. No departure from normal procedure, no unauthorized changes. No calamitous aftermaths and consequences because someone pulled the wrong switch. No land mine to step on. No surprises.
Men with mistresses cannot be thrown off-balance because they're walking the tightrope.
My favorite part of the book is this one, which can be found on pages, 177-178:
Married men who maintain mistresses have much to hide, you see, that's why they like their lives neat and predictable - everything in its proper place, like the bed right where he can plop down on, even in the dark; the telephone where he can pick it up with eyes closed should it ring in the middle of the night; the alarm clock that he grabs and shuts mute, both actions accomplished with swiftness in one movement of arm and hand, when he's not ready to wake up yet. He wants the wife breathing, thinking, talking, and behaving like a wife, so he wants the mistress breathing, talking, and behaving like a mistress. Nothing to do with fairness, just a simple matter of survival - his.
A fine demarcation line marks the territory of wife from mistress. That line, no matter how gray it is, symbolizes order, and order stands for the elimination of whatever is antithetical to a man's familiarity with routine and his longing for peace and quiet.
Witness how the man of the house is rarelt heard around the house. Until he misses the newspaper that did not arrive with the breakfast (surprise!), the driver who did not warn him yesterday of his absence today (surprise!), the daughter who just decided to elope with her beau of 17 days (surprise!), you will not hear a peep out of him. The lord of the manor is usually a man of few words because life is so well-ordered that he can afford not to complain.
But a mistress implies a lie, deception. Disorder in order. A potential powderkeg beneath the calm surface of compartmentalized life. All the more reason for everything and everyone being where he expects them to be. No departure from normal procedure, no unauthorized changes. No calamitous aftermaths and consequences because someone pulled the wrong switch. No land mine to step on. No surprises.
Men with mistresses cannot be thrown off-balance because they're walking the tightrope.
December 29, 2015
I'm actually reading this right now- me, a single woman. My friends were surprised when I suddenly picked up this book while grocery-shopping. They were worried that I might try to copy the successful yet sinful mistresses described by Julie in an attempt to get a boyfriend or something.
Actually, it's because I'm surrounded by illicit relationships that I wanted to read this book. Sadly, my generation has greater tolerance for infidelity and one-night stands (hello Tinder). I was raised by my parents in old-school Catholic values, and now I find it hard to date because the men I meet are more into casual dating and blurry M.U. pseudo-relationships via text or social media.
According to what I've read so far (I'm in Chapter 8), the "techniques" or strategies the mistresses employ on their lovers is almost similar to casual dating. Don't get too emotionally attached. Don't be a burden to your lover by unloading your problems to him; just be a fun, worry-free, no-strings-attached date. Have a successful career so you can distract yourself from the awful truth that you are just a bedroom partner to him, and not his No. 1 (aka his wife).
The values my parents drummed into my head are so strong that I know I wouldn't fall into mistresshood. But what I wish to accomplish after reading this book is the deepening of my understanding on why men and women cheat despite having perfect relationships and partners. I want to realize their weaknesses as humans, and the things they desire that their legitimate partners couldn't fulfill. I also want to prepare myself in my future relationships.
Actually, it's because I'm surrounded by illicit relationships that I wanted to read this book. Sadly, my generation has greater tolerance for infidelity and one-night stands (hello Tinder). I was raised by my parents in old-school Catholic values, and now I find it hard to date because the men I meet are more into casual dating and blurry M.U. pseudo-relationships via text or social media.
According to what I've read so far (I'm in Chapter 8), the "techniques" or strategies the mistresses employ on their lovers is almost similar to casual dating. Don't get too emotionally attached. Don't be a burden to your lover by unloading your problems to him; just be a fun, worry-free, no-strings-attached date. Have a successful career so you can distract yourself from the awful truth that you are just a bedroom partner to him, and not his No. 1 (aka his wife).
The values my parents drummed into my head are so strong that I know I wouldn't fall into mistresshood. But what I wish to accomplish after reading this book is the deepening of my understanding on why men and women cheat despite having perfect relationships and partners. I want to realize their weaknesses as humans, and the things they desire that their legitimate partners couldn't fulfill. I also want to prepare myself in my future relationships.
June 10, 2016
Pretty straightforward - the Title itself describes what the Book is. Written Classily (Is there such a word?) . Scenarios and advice seem to be dated as this book was published in the 90s but Infidelity would never cease to be a topic - digital na lang siya ngayon I guess.
Read
June 25, 2015awesome
Want to read
October 25, 2015i havent seen the movie yet but a cousin did and practically shared the story to movie...what a spoiler hahaha! anyhow the movie sounds informative for those in the same situation....seems like in a society like ours, where illicit affairs is a common, maybe just maybe those people involved may learn a lot from this movie.
As for me i guess i would learn a lot too from this being almost in the verge of becoming one but still weighing things out if it is all worth it....considering the pros and cons of being in such a predicament or so...
good luck to me! hopefully i'll be able to make the best decision ever....
As for me i guess i would learn a lot too from this being almost in the verge of becoming one but still weighing things out if it is all worth it....considering the pros and cons of being in such a predicament or so...
good luck to me! hopefully i'll be able to make the best decision ever....
November 3, 2015
I thought it would be just like the movie but i was wrong. It is a series of short stories of mistresses. How they deal with things. The rules that apply to them as a "querida." But it is a bit interesting to know what they do with their partner. What they do when they see their partner with their wife? What they do if their partner's wife see them.
May 8, 2016
JYD narrates mistresses' stories that can be considered mere reflections of "facet of life in contemporary society:half-half Christian, half-pagan; West mating East;the sensual struggling with the spiritual."
The last rule; Rule #28 states that "when all else fails leave.."ergo Happiness is a choice.
The last rule; Rule #28 states that "when all else fails leave.."ergo Happiness is a choice.
October 19, 2015
Can't say I thoroughly enjoyed this book being a wife myself, but I have to say that there are pretty sound tidbits of advice in the different narratives. Julie Yap Daza really provides some food for thought, although many of the topics are a bit hard to swallow. Good read though.
Read
July 31, 2015nice
October 19, 2015
It gave me chill yet I was so entertained...
This is so far the only book that took me more than a week to finished it.
This is so far the only book that took me more than a week to finished it.
November 17, 2015
I only liked the last chapter.
Read
February 28, 2016worth reading. i've learned a lot of things from mistresses' point of view
Read
July 10, 2015read
Read
May 18, 2019nice book
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews