Trauma, Shame, and the Power of Love: The Fall and Rise of a Physician Who Heals Himself

by Christopher E. Pelloski, Leslie Tilley (Editor), Alan Rinzler (Editor)

Silver Medal Winner of the 2016 Living Now Book Awards.
Bronze Medal Winner of the 2016 Global Ebook Awards.
Semi-Finalist, 2016 Kindle Book Awards.

There is a reason books that recount the regrets and advice of the dying strike so deep a chord: people who have nothing left to lose can tell their stories with a sincerity and unpretentiousness we crave but that is all too rare. In “Trauma, Shame, and the Power of Love,” Christopher Pelloski relates his own downfall from a prominent physician-scientist in the field of radiation oncology in a similarly candid way.

Without fear of losing society’s good opinion—having lost it already—Pelloski has the freedom to be sharply honest in his observations of himself and the world around him. To the question “Why would someone with so much going for him risk, and then lose, everything, by sinking so low?” he offers a gut-wrenching, soul-baring answer that dissects his decades-long downward spiral and examines it from perspectives that range from the historical to the molecular.

Pelloski chronicles the evolution of his devastating legal battle alongside his concurrent journey of recovery from childhood sexual abuse. He shares with us the lessons he learned from these experiences in the hope they can serve as both a warning and an invitation: a warning to abuse survivors not to follow his dark path of silence, and an invitation to society to deal more openly with the multitude of painful issues that have shaped not only his life but also, tragically, the lives of so many others.

Those brave enough to set aside their prejudices and preconceptions will be richly rewarded and challenged by this work.

Genres: Nonfiction

266 pages, Paperback

First published February 13, 2015

About the author

CHRISTOPHER E. PELLOSKI earned his medical degree from the Northwestern University Medical School in Chicago in 2001. He was accepted into the Radiation Oncology Residency Training Program and eventually joined the faculty at the University of Texas - MD Anderson Cancer Center, in Houston, one of the top cancer centers in the world. After his recruitment to the Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center in 2010, he ran a full clinical practice, supervised his own basic-science research laboratory, and served as his department's Residency Program Director and as the Director of Pediatric Radiation Oncology.

Pelloski is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and subsequently suffered throughout most of his life with undiagnosed and untreated Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, with Dissociative Features.

In the summer of 2013, his personal, public, and professional life came to a painful reckoning. By the fall of 2014, he became Inmate#: 71491-061 at the Federal Correctional Institution, Elkton.

Dr. Pelloski has received numerous literary awards for both of his books and is a strong advocate for change in social policies and a better understanding of mental health issues.

See the author's exclusive interview with criminal defense attorney, Stephen E. Palmer, Esq.: youtube.com/watch?v=cCxRfX_6iFE

Reviews

[Allies Opinions · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first thing I ask of anyone who picks up this book is to keep reading. Don’t let the shock factor of the charges against Dr. Pelloski trick you into prejudging and closing the book. Dr. Pelloski has done a bad thing. At no point in time does he ever attempt to downplay his crime. He has done bad but, he is also doing a world of good with this book. I ask that you, dear reader, remember that the world we live in is a series of grey areas. Very few people can be conveniently cornered off as all bad or all good. Good people can do bad things.

Dr Pelloski has written one of the most intimate books I have ever come across as a reviewer. He carries the reader through each event in a very personal way. A lot of memoirs or books that are written to bring awareness to a cause have a detached like narration. Pelloski dives deep throughout the entire book and shines a light not only on his ramifications but the backlash his family members receive as well. Pelloski combs through all the wretched and spot lights exactly how he has hurt others. His writing is intimate, raw and completely honest.

Pelloski, in my mind, is a great champion for this cause. His knowledge of medicine and his first hand experiences combine to shine a beacon of light on this neglected problem society has swiftly condemned without any real thought on the deeper problems. All issues in society are layered. It’s important to remember this if we want change. Nothing is ever simple.

For men, there is a huge stigma for speaking out on sexual abuse. This is an unacceptable reaction that society must move forward from if we are to find any lasting solutions. The current “war on sex crimes”, like the “war on drugs” does nothing to actually solve the underlying causes of the crimes. An alarming number of these cases are of people who have serious unresolved psychological conditions from the abuse they have suffered. These people need more than just our condemnation. They need our compassion. They need a resolution.

I want to thank Dr Pelloski for his openness and the risks he has taken to write this book. I hope that it has the intended affect and causes a sweeping dialogue among the medical and justice communities.

Like the “war on drugs”, the “war on sex crimes” is not a problem that we can jail away. Let us all learn from Dr. Pelloski’s writing and solve these issues with out minds and not our emotions.

One passage of the book stands out to me the most. Dr Pelloski is explaining to his friends that watching those videos did harm to more than just him. He is right to point out that as long as there is a demand for those videos, there will be a supply of them.

I would also like to interject another point. A person can be prosecuted for watching only one of those videos. Law enforcement is aware that there are millions of these videos online. Yet, they leave them available and convict the watchers and rarely the makers. It’s a net the police use. Where is the public outcry? Police use this net to catch the watchers because it’s easier to catch them than the makers. Those who are doing physical harm to these children continue to go on harming these kids because it’s hard to catch the abusers. Is that the standard of our criminal justice system? We pursue whats easy? How disturbing! I encourage every police officer to garner their resources and work harder on catching the abusers. Get this stuff off the internet. By leaving these videos online, the police are just as guilty of the watchers for using the victims. Childrens suffering shouldn’t be used to trap easy targets. Get it off, now.

[Blanche · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tragic, brutal, and darkly honest. It’s definitely a very different read than I expected it to be. It was a pretty fast and actually quite easy read, though the subject matter is far far from easy to digest. I know it’s a good book for me when I spend much time afterward mulling over the story, and its subject matter. And especially if it calls into question my understand of what morality and what justice really are. A definite recommend from me.

[Mochalove · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although sexual abuse and pornography of children is nothing new within this society, each time it is discovered and reported there is an accompanying knee jerk reaction of anger, disgust and distrust that follows so much so that it becomes hard to see the many facets of the whole truth about the situation such was the case with Christopher E. Pelloski M.D. In his book, Trauma, Shame and the Power of Love, which is a biographical work, he bares his soul and shares his experiences from arrest to trial as a non-productive participant of child pornography.

From the outset reading, Dr. Pelloski’s stark memoir, created an intense paradox of emotions within me, especially because I am a parent of six children. On the one hand, he was a Pediatric Oncologist whose job and intention was to help children at their most vulnerable moment and he made great strides in doing so. But on the other hand, he also participated in the very vulgar and harmful activity of online viewing of sexual abuse involving children, a sickening activity brought on by his own efforts to come to terms with his own sexual abuse as a child.
Initially, I was infuriated how could a doctor who is also a father, be so crude, so vicious, so sick when it comes to our young? He was supposed to help them not find them sexually alluring. However, once I became more deeply embroiled in the book I began to see more clearly the other side of that scenario that the perpetrators of child pornography, whether producers, actors or vicarious viewers could also be victims of childhood sexual abuse and are sorely in need stringent monitoring and psychological help. Don’t get me wrong, while my heart goes out to author Pelloski, in regards to his appalling experiences as a victim of sexual abuse as a child, I am tremendously glad that he got caught and is getting the help that he needs.

Overall, the quality of the book was well done; author Pelloski’s narrative was well written, and thoughtfully organized. His inclusion of related sex offense laws, the presiding judge’s sentencing statement, medical and psychiatric statements related his particular disorders made this book a cogently expansive read especially when it comes to understanding the punishment of the perpetrators. While reading this book was not a pleasure it was a genuinely illuminating reading experience that I found deeply affecting and stayed with me well after completing the book. However, I did find that at times within his narrative there was a narcissistic bent that I did find somewhat off-putting considering the nature of the book, but ultimately understood as that seems to go along with the mental disorders that he suffers from. It is a shame that Dr. Pelloski’s great work in the oncology field, including the many patients he helped are now largely discounted by his criminal actions and ensuing punishment. Unfortunately, the war against cancer is real and he was a warrior in his field albeit, a broken one.

Summarily, Dr. Pelloski’s work within this book has forever changed my personal viewpoints about child pornography/child sex abuse the applicable the laws, the punishment, the victims, the perpetrators and their varying levels of participation. This is a tumultuous read, but I do recommend it to adult readers with the intestinal fortitude to handle the strong subject matter.

[Penny · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that is so far ahead of its time that it may take years for its significance to be known and its impact to be truly felt. Until then, it will most likely remain buried under our society’s ignorant paranoia that surround this kind of non-violent offense and its continued stigmatization of mental illnesses.

I have never read anything before that packed so many social issues into just 268 pages. Yet at the same time, the wonderfully-written and compelling narrative also made me feel like I was reading some kind of a suspense-thriller at times. It made me compulsively turn the pages. And if you have the fortitude to go back and read again, or wait for the visceral shock of the first-pass to wear off, you can see just how many different layers there are to this onion that Pelloski has craftily and painstakingly planted.

All legal and social issues aside, this is a very human story and shows how someone can put the pieces of their life together and gain an insight into themselves that few would achieve in a lifetime. Pelloski’s life is ultimately a case study of someone born with a predisposition to develop PTSD, who is then exposed to multiple traumas early in childhood and then goes on to live within the grip of complex PTSD throughout his life, struggling against what he does not know. His description of how traumatic events and the PTSD-susceptibility-trait is passed down from one generation to the next (his grandmother survived the Nazi concentration camps when she was a girl), because of changes in the DNA, was illuminating and technical, yet written within reach of someone without a science background. His childhood behavior problems, possible Attachment Disorder, misdiagnoses with ADD, self-medication with alcohol, and so on… all rattle off like a checklist for someone with chronic, undiagnosed and untreated complex PTSD.

Knowing that enduring sexual abuses under the age of 16 are the most profound traumatic events that can trigger PTSD, knowing that 1/3 girls and 1/6 boys are sexually abused, and knowing that events like this are under-reported or suppressed by the victims, I shudder to imagine just how many troubled children are out there, struggling, being misdiagnosed and branded and set on a course for self-destruction, all because so many are unaware, including the victims themselves.

What is disturbing to me is that his “meteoric ascent” in the cancer field and his awful offense were actually 2 sides of the same grotesque coin. From one side, he was exulted and given society’s highest esteem and for the other, he was made a Pariah – yet both were equally toxic to him. It is also sad that it took his personal catastrophe for him to finally admit to himself that he needed help. For those who wonder, ‘how is that seemingly successful people, who have life easily at hand, can’t keep it together, implode and indulge our collective Schadenfreude?’… This book is the blue-print for that type of self-destruction.

Pelloski is a talented writer, who can articulate very emotional, technical, and complex concepts and make them seem almost morbidly entertaining. This story is incomplete, though, as the book ends prematurely. He has since likely gone through our federal prison system, is living on the Sex Offender Registry, and undoubtedly trying to rebuild his life. He is uniquely positioned, therefore, with his gifts, life experiences, and power of observation to continue pulling back the curtain on the darker parts of humanity that are not often discussed, but are obviously quite common. I hope he does.

[StinaStaffymum · Rating 5 out of 5]

There need to be more books like this for society to read and gain a better understanding into what child pornography really is. Yes, it is a crime. Yes, it is illegal. But as Dr Pelloski pointed out in his own research is that not all viewers of this media are paedophiles or child molestors, and most in fact are less likely to reoffend or will ever evolve into a "hands on" offender. But society does not understand this. Nor do they understand the differences between children and teenagers - to them they are all paedophiles. But that is not correct. There are three categories for child sex offenders....
1. Infantophiles - those attracted to babies to 3 year olds
2. Paedophiles - those attracted to children from 3 to 11 (pre pubescent)
3. Haebophiles - those who are attracted to adolescents to 16 (legal age of consent) and beyond....(probably the most common form of sex offender)
But society is not ready to hear it. A sex offender to them is a sex offender without any rights and not worth spitting on. To them they are all deviants. This is a sad perspective because, while I do not condone the viewing of child pornography and that in doing so perpetuates the rape and abuse of a child, I also know that these offenders are human too. They are people who made some bad choices. And as in Dr Pelloski's case, many had suffered some form of abuse in their childhood; most had an experience in their formative years of around 7 or 8 which affected their development - attachment or significant loss or trauma...or even something simple that the then child in them perceived in a way that halted something inside. There is so much more to this than society understands but don't want to know. Well done Dr Pelloski for standing up and taking responsibility...and for sharing your story.

[melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heart breaking story - this man has so much to offer the world of medicine.

I highly recommend that anyone in Dr. Pelloski's community that might be judging this man read his story. His wife and children deserves your open mind and willingness to hear the real story, straight from the man himself.

This story was so well written and shockingly honest and raw that I couldn't put the book down. Chris tells it all - the good, the bad and the ugly. He answers all the questions anyone may have had.

I admire how he was able to put his thoughts, feelings and regrets to paper when most people would be wallowing in self pity and guilt. He is clearly doing the work necessary to heal himself after this great fall. I wish him the very best of luck putting his life back together and moving forward. He is a great mind and our world would be a far lesser place without him.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

Few books have haunted me the way this one does. I think it is a book the everyone should read. That seems like a pretty broad statement, but when I consider how many different people this book could affect: law makers, journalists, lawyers, healthcare professionals, abuse/trauma survivors, parents... I could go on. If you take this book at face value, a book written by a disgraced man who committed one of our society's most stigmatize crimes, and decide to not read this, as I almost did, you miss an incredible opportunity to be moved and enriched. To really understand the rules, sometimes you need to learn from the rule-breakers.

Given how starkly and elegantly this dense story was written and how well the book was crafted, it is a shame that it was not picked up and promoted by an established publishing company. But I take that as a sign of the greater reluctance we all have when it comes to these dark subjects.

[Brianne Dunn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gave this book five stars because Dr. Pelloski gives a very in depth, detail oriented view on sex crimes and the punishments that are associated with viewing child pornography online. Child pornography is a very difficult subject for anyone to talk about, but the way Pelloski takes the time to describe to the reader the different levels of offenders is eye opening. People are quick to judge, that is just human nature, but this books puts the “why?” behind actions. As a society we are always quick to judge someone for their actions, but these actions may be fueled by some form of trauma or many other reasons. Pelloski opens up about his childhood traumas and gives you a perspective on his “why?” This book is extremely well written and I suggest to go into it with an open mind. You can learn a lot of information that is typically “frowned upon” when talked about, but then how are you to learn anything if you don’t take the time to educate yourself? This is a must read for everyone.

[Contentmo · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Heartbreaking Tale of the Rise and Fall of a Doctor
It was with a heavy heart that I read the story of the doctor who had undergone such trauma, that it led to viewing horrible images to be able to recall what happened. The raw emotion and confessions were some times hard to read, but it gave me a new insight into what trauma can do. I am looking forward to reading the next book in the series.

[Ryan Gilchrist · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely a tough read, but there's so much information about abuse that the general population has no idea about. Very well-written and emotional. A good book to read if you're interested in radical empathy.

[Cecilia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very moving story that provides a very good example of how the news served by the media is not truthful but shapes our perception and judgements.

[Valorie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read in 1 day....could not put down

Well written. Articulate and most important interesting. Changed my view on many things and that is not easy to do. Highly recommend.

[Jeffrey Hatcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christopher Pelloski, M.D., tackles one of the most distasteful social behaviors in the human repertoire head on in "Trauma, Shame, and the Power of Love". Within this rather unprecedented and one of a kind text, Pelloski describes his own experiences in watching multiple instances of child pornography and then describes the moral and legal actions and issues which he deals with upon his discovery. Predictably, one comes away with mixed feelings about Pelloski’s character and his motivations both as an involved party and as an author. One also confronts the impact of society’s dealing with the issue. No matter one’s feelings or conclusions, it is a worthwhile read for the importance of the subject and its viewpoint.

Like many other narratives written from the experiential end of the mental illness spectrum, Pelloski calls out for more behavioral treatment in healthcare from qualified psychologists and psychiatrists. While not excusing himself, he does relate an early childhood history of sexual abuse and subsequently describes his initial offenses as rooted in the PTSD – post traumatic stress disorder - of his own childhood. The book focuses only upon his end of the issue; other childrens’ side of such experiences is another person’s narrative to write.

There are legal tiers in child porn that he describes including exclusively observers (non-producers), porn producers, and inspired molesters. Pelloski falls exclusively with the 1st group. The general theme of the book focuses on the rigid adherence to Federal sentencing guidelines at the expense of judges’ discretion with regards to this group. He makes a point of discussing how numerous professionals believe that the populist approach to legal and psychological rehabilitation has simply gotten out of hand.

Pelloski engages in two discussions of a cost-benefit approach to dealing with illicit porn – one which merits serious contemplation, another which has a serious underlying danger. Citing a number of legal scholars and judges, he points out that the large amount of money spent on catching and prosecuting observer – only offenders would be better spent on the more important task of catching those who produce it and/or others who engage in hands-on abuse. For America’s party of cutting-taxes-is-all-that-matters and also other political groups, this is a vital consideration. Nevertheless, politician and others see value in targeting non-producers:

"The authors of the material I read speculate that what keeps [non-producer prosecution] going, like most poor public policy, is fear, ignorance, and misinformation. The news media, elected politicians, law enforcement, and federal prosecution offices have also realized what an easy target nonproduction child pornography cases present. It is not surprising that these comprise the overwhelming majority of new sex offenses cases (despite being the least threatening subtype with the lowest recidivism rate). The political and PR return on investment is lucrative, indeed. It takes very little effort to catch someone accessing child pornography online, the public brings its approval to the voting booth, and the headlines write themselves."

He then asks a very provocative question regarding the threat of this class of offenders to the public:

"Why was I observed online for nine months? If law enforcement had a legitimate fear that I was a danger to children (my own or pediatric patients), why was nothing done for all that time? I can only conclude it was already known that I was not an immediate hands-on threat. It was more important to spend many months building the case, so I was allowed. . . The police’s inaction tacitly disclosed their position on the matter: that the harm I was generating toward children was not worth preventing sooner"

This kind of cost/benefit/risk analysis is good to contemplate. However, he also mentions the fact that, within his own case, his usefulness as a doctor is wasted. That point has a dangerous flip side which is the unfairness factor. A younger person – say twenty-five years of age – has much less to offer. Worse yet, they might be in an economically or racially disadvantaged group. Bringing societal utility into the discussion poses a steep and slippery slope.

From time to time his tone gets sufficiently self-exculpatory to get under a person’s skin. However, his viewpoint is educational. His training in science and medicine also are put to good use in the research required for introducing facts and arguments with minimal filtration through holier-than-thou emotions (and he also calls out America’s overly populous fake Christian community for sensationalizing the legal process). A very useful read, however one’s view of the author evolves.

[Jamie Bee · Rating 4 out of 5]

An Explanation, Not an Excuse

This is not an easy story to read, but I think it is an important one. The author has done society a service by sharing his not-so-unique story about a difficult subject: child pornography. Even just saying (as I dictate my reviews) or typing the words makes you feel dirty. At a gut and human level, we understand how wrong it is. But this story shows that it is a far more complex topic for some people. It certainly makes you question if we are handling it correctly. We seem to tar everyone with a very heavy brush. While I do not sanction its use, I can understand the deep whys of how it happened in his particular case. I feel sad for the boy who was abused, and I wish he could have gotten help. There is such deep shame around it; I understand why he could barely talk about it until he had to. I wish there were some other way of handling this at a societal level, getting both help for the child who is abused and help for the ones who are driven later to act out illegally in this way. I wish they could get treatment instead of punishment. I think those who don't actually produce or act out with minors should have prolonged psychological treatment, including a stay at a residential facility, rather than jail time so they can break free of their past and not re-offend; perhaps they can heal and find peace, making looking at such a nonissue. Interestingly, I hadn't really thought that way before, but this book opened my eyes to how it can happen for a person. It certainly becomes a different story when we see it through one person's eyes than when we just think of the offenders as a group of faceless people.

I received a free copy of this book, but that did not affect my review.

My book blog: https://www.readingfanaticreviews.com

[Nathalie Bilinsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very well written and raw account of a doctor who was caught accessing child pornography and the subsequent fallout. On the one hand I admire his openness but on the other I was disgusted by what I felt what was the minimisation of his crimes and the way he talks about other sex offenders as if they are more culpable than he is because he supposedly didn’t get any sexual pleasure from viewing the images. I call bullshit on that. Also it doesn’t matter to the children being abused on tape what his motives were. He seems to think that as a highly educated doctor and family man he should be given more leniency than the average person however I feel he should be held to a higher standard for this reason. I put it down for months at one point because I felt sick reading it. I am glad I finished it though and feel it is a valuable read given the prevalence of this sort of thing in society.

[Diane Secchiaroli · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very interesting autobiography by a physician who reached his pinnacle as an ontological physician-scientist and his downward spiral after being caught with child pornography. He is brutally honest about himself. His childhood trauma was misdiagnosed as ADD when he was a child and then he became an overachiever. This is his recounting of his life from the time of his arrest, uncovering his childhood trauma and his recovery. This is a stark look at child pornography, laws regarding it, child abuse and it’s effect on society.

[Zoe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unfortunately his writing style was too rambling for me to stay engaged for long periods of time. In addition, as the title suggests "...a physician who heals himself" he comes across as a bit too egotistical for my tolerance. In my opinion, none of us can heal ourselves from the type of childhood harm he experienced.
I do think he was courageous in writing this book. He offers a perspective I have not heard before, and for that I am appreciative.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing story of resilience and struggle. An amazing review of child pornography laws and the disparities.

[Amy Beth McPherson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting and thought provoking at times. At other times the author extols his own greatness. Unnecessary foul language.

[Tina]

Dr.Pelloski had many accomplishments and many contributions to the world of cancer. I am a cancer survivor and have had the pleasure of being cared for by some of the most renowned oncologist at OSU. When I look at the reviews I think just about everyone is a former colleague personal friend they all new Dr Pelloski personally or professionally so of course they all gave this book a thumbs up. I quickly grew tired of the doctor commenting on his many accomplishments and contributions over and over and how the medical field would suffer from his absence. I felt he was quite arrogant and showed little remorse for what he had put his family through . I was left speechless after reading he downloaded child pornography for therapeutic reasons. What was it like 52 x one year from March to June? He was and still is a brilliant man. He succeeded even when the odds were against him. but he spent his career treating and caring for sick and dying children only to go home and watch the rape of children who were going through hell and it never crossed his mind to seek therapy once he came to the realization he had been molested? Or how about after he watched one of those videos and then talk to his children into bed it didn't occur to him how sick and twisted this was? He only came to this realization because he got caught. The fact that he received a light sentence and the support that he did was because he was well known Dr and he had money. If he was a regular guy that worked at a convenience store he would have gotten a much harsher sentence because right or wrong money still matters. Yes he has to move out of his house and register as a sex offender but the fact that his medical license was suspended indefinitely is a joke. When he witnessed those horrible videos he should have lost that right to ever practice medicine again. Those same people here are so supportive of him definitely wouldn't be supportive of a man with the same alleged history who watch those videos but was low income or low class.

[Erik Sapp · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I started this book, I did not know the crime the author went to prison for. Since he was a doctor, I was assuming something related to prescription drugs. Reading his actual charge was a shock.

The author pulls no punches in his analysis of his life. Although not graphically detailed, he explains what happened and the kind of person he became. Admitting his kids called him "Yelly Daddy" is painful to read.

In many respects, the author was lucky. (He concedes this many times.) He was allowed to remain on house arrest through the entire process. His family and friends stood by him. He was able to start repairing his relationship with his children. (Who were NOT victimized sexually by him. That point is made clear in the book - he never touched a child in a sexual manner and did not obtain sexual gratification from the child pornography he viewed.) But lucky or not, he used that time to begin the healing process.

I do have an issue with the sub-title, though. He does not heal himself (and never claims to in the book). He had a team of mental health professionals who worked with him through the process. Yes, he did the work of digging into his psyche and rebuilding what was there. But he was guided by others.

This book is a hard read, but it is worth reading.

[Sourabh Kumar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great Book to Read.

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[Brianson Rosales]

loving with a
vengeance

[DO NG]

Nice!!!!