Loving Mr Spock

by Barbara Jacobs

Affascinante, carismatico, colto, ma con la maturità emotiva di un bambino? Intelligente e devoto ma apparentemente incapace di comprendere le situazioni e i sentimenti più ovvi? Vi suona familiare? Dovrebbe, perché probabilmente qualcuno che conoscete ha la sindrome di Asperger, un disturbo neurologico invisibile e insidioso, perché colpisce proprio la capacità di avere relazioni empatiche e attente ai bisogni dell'altro. Questa è la storia di un uomo con sindrome di Asperger, narrata dalla donna che l'ha amato, il racconto di un amore quasi impossibile ma meraviglioso, e uno studio di questo disturbo. Un'opera essenziale per chi ha un compagno 'emotivamente pericoloso' e non riesce a comprendere come una persona generalmente e profondamente innocente e buona possa talora compiere gesti di apparente totale insensibilità o pura cattiveria. Forse anche lui (o lei), come voi, sta cercando di superare la barriera invisibile che divide le persone con sindrome di Asperger dal resto del mondo.

Genres: Nonfiction

352 pages, Paperback

First published April 24, 2003

Reviews

[Thais · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mi dispiace dare solo tre stelline a un libro che mi ha affascinata così tanto, ma ho trovato l'autrice veramente insopportabile, come se volesse mettersi in cattedra e spiegare la sindrome di Asperger da una posizione privilegiata. Inoltre la traduzione non aiuta, a tratti è molto macchinosa, troppo letterale e con alcuni errori evidenti.
Detto questo, però, è un libro sicuramente utile e interessante per chi ha un partner con la sindrome di Asperger o anche solo per chi vuole saperne di più su questo disturbo. Barbara Jacobs racconta la sua esperienza personale, ma raccoglie anche altre testimonianze, fornisce definizioni, siti internet, una bibliografia, contatti, test diagnostici, insomma, è un libro molto completo e ben fatto. Peccato che lei mi sia stata così antipatica, perché se fossi riuscita a sentirla più vicina penso che mi sarebbe piaciuto molto di più, anche se devo ammettere che già così mi ha sconvolta e rapita.

[Hazel Richardson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt that as a book about the condition, it was unimpressive. Although an acceptable autobiography, the inserted chapters of information and other people's input made it a less easy read and still didn't give a very good overall picture of the condition as it was mostly focused on the one individual's symptoms and characteristics. Not my recommendation for information about Aspergers Syndrome/High Functioning Autism. Also very discouraging for someone wanting to learn about a relationship with someone with Aspergers.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first read this a few years back, and am rereading it. Good to have a personal account of someone being in a baffling relationship with someone with Asperger's syndromw. It did irritate me that people were referred to as "aspergers", and there were some sweeping generalisations, but generally a good read, and certainly would be a good starting point to someone wishing to understand adults with Asperger's.

[Violet Raven · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found it hard to relate to the author, I generally dislike autobiographies so that is partly personal taste, but I also found that much of the advice or case study of her particular relationship to be irrelevant or contradictory to other case studies of NT/AS relationships. I could find little in common with the AS partner either compared to those in my experience, perhaps he was simply more extroverted a personality and as such incomprehensible to me. A few of her experiences rang true but overall I felt that this was not a good source of information on how to deal with having an AS partner and would not recommend it, apart from some of the interviews she conducted with partners and spouses which had some interesting detail, including some references to sense of humour and wordplay - usually these are things said to be unknown in AS people but having seen real life examples it is interesting to see others have had a similar experience.

Verdict: there are better books to explain and understand AS but if you like personal stories perhaps it would appeal to you more. To me it felt very self-centred, and I bored of the story quickly, true-life accounts are not my thing.

[Laura Macdonald · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this unsatisfying - too much anecdote and not enough evidence, and felt rather superficial. Jacobs' attempts to merge personal experience/autobiography and advice/self-help book don't work for me. At the same time as she says the book is very much about personal experience, she also makes some sweeping generalisations. This book is also now rather dated - Jacobs dismisses the idea that High Functioning Autism and Asperger's Syndrome are different early on in the book. We know they are not the same.

[Antonella Litta · Rating 3 out of 5]

Molto interessante. L’autrice attraverso il racconto di una storia sentimentale con un uomo affetto dalla sindrome di Asperger illustra le principali caratteristiche della sindrome e offre spunti per ulteriori libri da leggere. Non riesco a dare più di tre stelline perché in certi punti la storia d’amore mi è sembrata un po’ artificiosa, ma vale la pena la lettura se state cercando di approfondire questo tema.

[Lily S · Rating 2 out of 5]

Brutal in the story and strident in tone. She seemed very embittered by her experience, and I found her so glib about important aspects and vicious in others that I skimmed the second half of the book. Her background information was solid, though.

[Ruth Forbes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly informative, honest sharing, laced with humour and insights. Recommended for partners of Aspergers.

[Joseph Young · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's hard to believe the author's title, when Aspergers is presented primarily as a problem to be overcome. Anything problematic about Danny, our "Mr. Spock", is attributed to Aspergers. Further, Danny is an extrovert, atypical of Aspergers.

If Miss Jacobs had started with the reasons she was attracted to and fell in love with Danny, then followed through to the problems, it would have made a much better narrative arc. Instead, it simply sounds like an unsatisfying and/or abusive relationship, which makes you wonder why she didn't take the advice of her friends to end the relationship. Danny is no Spock, and we do not hear of any attempts of his searching to improve his understanding of regular people. It's not until much later that she touches upon Danny's deeper appeal. While it's not inconceivable that Danny could eventually form a long term permanent relationship with someone, it's clear that these two do not work together. Barbara and Danny always seem to be on different tracks, with Barbara trying to shift Danny into her lane.

For example, the Game, where Danny flirts with other people, but then ends up with Barbara would appeal to some people who both: A. like to know that their partner could get it and has appeal, and B. like that their partner chooses them as the best of all options. It's not an Aspergers thing; it's a cross-set of the population that thinks that way. This underlies the problems with the whole book.

1. Everything negative is attributed to Aspergers, and most things Aspergers are considered negative. Her support of the naming of FAAAS cements this view. The view of Aspergers, especially by consulted professionals seems fueled predominantly by the most severe cases which resulted in mental lockup, the ones they see as opposed to the general Aspergers' population.

2. She speaks from a position of privilege, where people try to understand her position, but she either does not make the same effort, or aims her effort with respect to how it fits her own goals. Early on she says that Aspergers have a problem with the 2 minds theory, and later she is unable to cope with how different people view different things. For example, Jacobs is unable to understand why someone would like 'Under the Bridge' when they lived in the UK. This of course completely misses the point of the song, the emotional struggle. It's indeed ironic when the person with Aspergers understands and relates to the emotions, yet the 'normal' person does not. Instead of showing curiosity, and/or trying to prevent Danny from some of his more self-destructive tendencies, she opts for avoidance of a 'meltdown' or a fight early on, instead paying the consequences later. I don't get how you form a long term relationship without confronting these types of issues and dealing with them, or breaking off the relationship.

In between the story, there's plenty of good information about Aspergers in general, as well as many amusing anecdotes. For example one specific point tells people to expect direct language from those with Aspergers and not look for hidden slights, when you might if someone without Aspergers says the same thing. If only the whole book had been this sort of advice, hints about what they think about, behave, and how to react accordingly without inserting a neurotic response.

My wife originally took this book out from the library and quickly became infuriated with it. I consider myself Aspergers and tried to enjoy this book in her stead, with 'Under the Bridge' being the tipping point for me. Those with Aspergers, in my experience, face a choice of trying desperately to fit in, or giving up and dealing with being abnormal to society. Some are able to try to discern the reasons people act the way they do, just like normal people. Many non-Aspergers lack empathy and understanding for others. Surely the key is to understand who you're dealing with, and react accordingly.

I cannot recommend this book for those with Aspergers or those trying to love them. This book is a story of a doomed relationship, which was not going to work unless both of them drastically improved. After a certain point, it was better for them to go their separate ways.

[Juanita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Totally relate, an outfstanding and honest account of the situation 😊
I did feel sad that the relationship couldn’t be worked through and was sad and surprised at outcome but have just lived through and done the same myself.
Is something you have to live to understand 🙏

[Patae G · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although most of the story was only about the author's view. I found many interesting facts and reasons for the behavior of someone with Aspergers. I think it is a helpful book for anyone that deals with a loved one in their life with this disabilty.

[Shell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I throughly enjoyed reading this book. I obtained it from my local library and wouldn't mind a copy of it for my own personal collection. Jacobs writes this book as if she is talking to a friend and adds information that may or may not be of importance to the reader. It had great information and made me feel less alone as I read it about Aspergers and is a must for anyone who is in a relationship, married, related to or is friends with someone who has Aspergers syndrome. Would love an updated version to give a list of contacts for those of us who live in the Southern Hemisphere. I rated it four stars as I would love an update! Or maybe the author has not run into Danny again!!

[Lisa Dorenkamp · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is another book that people either like or hate. I liked it because it provided some insight into the behaviors of adults with undiagnosed Asperger's. Not to say that all people who act "aloof" have Asperger's, but it provided food for thought.