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Esquire The Rules: A Man's Guide to Life
Derived from Esquire’s popular feature, this wildly entertaining, bestselling men’s manual to life in the 21st century is revised, expanded, and with color added! It now offers 668 rules in all (91 of them new to this edition), providing even more lighthearted reading, manly musings, and, occasionally, good advice. Accompanied by full-color illustrations throughout, these rules are guaranteed to set a guy straight. Here is what guys need to live by:
Rule number 2: When someone says he is “pumped” about something, it usually means he’s about to do something stupid.
Rule number 36: No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, “Yeah, right” without sounding sarcastic.
Rule number 45: For the last time, no goddamn Speedos.
Rule number 108: The road to hell is not paved with good intentions. The road to hell is paved with smooth-jazz CDs, herbal teas, John Tesh specials, and low-fat cheese.
Rule number 154: Properly made, leftover chili gets better and better every day until the fourth day, at which point it begins its slow decline.
Rule number 59: The study of inert gases is best left to professionals.
Rule number 38: When it comes to luggage, men don’t pull.
Rule number 2: When someone says he is “pumped” about something, it usually means he’s about to do something stupid.
Rule number 36: No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, “Yeah, right” without sounding sarcastic.
Rule number 45: For the last time, no goddamn Speedos.
Rule number 108: The road to hell is not paved with good intentions. The road to hell is paved with smooth-jazz CDs, herbal teas, John Tesh specials, and low-fat cheese.
Rule number 154: Properly made, leftover chili gets better and better every day until the fourth day, at which point it begins its slow decline.
Rule number 59: The study of inert gases is best left to professionals.
Rule number 38: When it comes to luggage, men don’t pull.
- GenresHumor
256 pages, Hardcover
First published April 1, 2003
2 people are currently reading
90 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
August 31, 2024
Esquire used to be a really good magazine, either back before I outgrew it or it started to suck - not quite sure which. It taught me much of what I know about how to dress and drink properly, and had fascinating articles on politics, war, money - all kinds of manly stuff. But most of it, it used to be surprisingly funny. It's annual "Dubious Achievement Awards" was hysterical, as were its "Rules," scattered throughout the magazine but then finally also collected in this wonderful collection.
Like most humor books, this should be taken in small doses - 20-30 pages at a time - and so makes a great nightstand or bathroom read. Some samples, just from the first 30 pages:
Rule #5: When aliens talk, they never use contractions.
Rule #10: Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
Rule #13: In movies, Italians can play Jews, Jews can play Italians, but neither Jews nor Italians can play Lutherans.
Rule #29: No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you're looking at her breasts.
Rule #39: People will compliment you on the cheap art you bought at IKEA, but it will feel hollow.
Rule #50: The soft taco is the only taco that matters.
Rule #60: A sandwich tastes exactly one-third better when it's made by someone else.
Rule #66: Women named after a month of the year are usually frisky.
Rule #76: The sniffing of one's finger is a pleasure best indulged discretely.
...plus some600 more. And yes they're kind of snarky and elitist, but that's half the fun. So if you're a fan of such books as How to Archer, then you'll probably enjoy this as well.
Like most humor books, this should be taken in small doses - 20-30 pages at a time - and so makes a great nightstand or bathroom read. Some samples, just from the first 30 pages:
Rule #5: When aliens talk, they never use contractions.
Rule #10: Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
Rule #13: In movies, Italians can play Jews, Jews can play Italians, but neither Jews nor Italians can play Lutherans.
Rule #29: No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you're looking at her breasts.
Rule #39: People will compliment you on the cheap art you bought at IKEA, but it will feel hollow.
Rule #50: The soft taco is the only taco that matters.
Rule #60: A sandwich tastes exactly one-third better when it's made by someone else.
Rule #66: Women named after a month of the year are usually frisky.
Rule #76: The sniffing of one's finger is a pleasure best indulged discretely.
...plus some600 more. And yes they're kind of snarky and elitist, but that's half the fun. So if you're a fan of such books as How to Archer, then you'll probably enjoy this as well.
January 28, 2012
Rule No. 429: Every man should know how to make at least one drink from a foreign country, preferably one taught to him by a local female with whom he has had a complicated, unresolved, and quite possibly dangerous alliance.
March 28, 2023
As a woman, this of course was ridiculous.
However there were some funny ones:
Rule No. 276: If you are uncertain how much cologne is enough, you are not allowed to use cologne
Rule No. 289: If you are making a sign to be held up at a sporting event, id does not hurt to use a dictionary (true dat)
Rule No. 60: From least chaotic to most chaotic: willy-nilly, hugger-mugger, hurly-burly, pell-mell
Rule No. 212: The little extra you pay for name-brand tin foil is well worth it.
Rule No. 232: It is not what you wear or how you wear it or when you bought it or who else has it. It's what it cost
And the following advice is good for everyone:
Rule No. 227: It's okay to be friendly to cops (amen).
However there were some funny ones:
Rule No. 276: If you are uncertain how much cologne is enough, you are not allowed to use cologne
Rule No. 289: If you are making a sign to be held up at a sporting event, id does not hurt to use a dictionary (true dat)
Rule No. 60: From least chaotic to most chaotic: willy-nilly, hugger-mugger, hurly-burly, pell-mell
Rule No. 212: The little extra you pay for name-brand tin foil is well worth it.
Rule No. 232: It is not what you wear or how you wear it or when you bought it or who else has it. It's what it cost
And the following advice is good for everyone:
Rule No. 227: It's okay to be friendly to cops (amen).
March 26, 2019
Change of pace read, countless small quotes, good toilet read, that about it, funny though.
June 18, 2020
I think my dad will like this book for father's day.
January 11, 2023
This book gets one more star than it deserves.
Please understand that this is me giving this book the benefit of the doubt because the copy I read (Second Edition) was published in 2005. I am very aware that times have changed.
On the first very first page I decided that I had to read the whole book simply so I could review it. It was already apparent that it would be bad. "Rule No. 1: When aliens talk, they never use contractions," is not a rule unless you are pretending to be an alien. This book was full of non-rules despite the title literally being, "The Rules: A Man's Guide to Life."
Let's set aside the fact that too many of the "rules" were incredibly sexist, because I know that if you've picked up this book for an actual read you are someone who thinks sexism doesn't exist. Could they have written rules about women that were still respectful to women? Yes, but based on the rest of the book, this was too much to ask.
"Esquire's Rules-makers include:" 12 men and 1 woman. These people clearly sat in a room for an hour or two and threw out any "rule" that popped into their head. It was probably a really fun day at work that turned into a waste of time and paper for the rest of us.
Out of 607 rules, I thought that about 10 of them were actually good. The rest were things like, "There is no shame in cinnamon toast," and "The best instrument is a cello." Honestly, I'm not going to waste my time going back to count the number of "there is no shame in..." rules, because there were too many. Clearly, there is no shame in things that this particular group of men (and one woman) enjoyed, but, according to Rule 357, there IS shame in things like golf umbrellas because this group thinks they're unmanly.
Umlauts were mentioned twice, both positively and negatively. "Parlance" was given 3 consecutive rules.
So. Many. Fat. Jokes.
The most irritating rules for me -- sadly, there was more than one -- were the ones with stupid fractions and numbers pulled out of thin air. For example, "Rule No. 397: A man wearing a paper trainee hat is, during the time he has it on, precisely 1/6th of a man." HUH? I literally would have preferred it if they had just called the trainee a dork.
I simply cannot believe that this list of arbitrary opinions was green-lighted to be published into an actual physical book. It is proof to me that there was an actual need for Buzzfeed to exist. This thing should have been in a clickbait article that could disappear instead of littering bookshelves. I'm embarrassed that this trash was in my local library, but quite pleased that it has been withdrawn and placed on a free cart.
I am so glad to have finally gotten my "Worst of the Year" over with on Jan 11. Thanks, Esquire!
Please understand that this is me giving this book the benefit of the doubt because the copy I read (Second Edition) was published in 2005. I am very aware that times have changed.
On the first very first page I decided that I had to read the whole book simply so I could review it. It was already apparent that it would be bad. "Rule No. 1: When aliens talk, they never use contractions," is not a rule unless you are pretending to be an alien. This book was full of non-rules despite the title literally being, "The Rules: A Man's Guide to Life."
Let's set aside the fact that too many of the "rules" were incredibly sexist, because I know that if you've picked up this book for an actual read you are someone who thinks sexism doesn't exist. Could they have written rules about women that were still respectful to women? Yes, but based on the rest of the book, this was too much to ask.
"Esquire's Rules-makers include:" 12 men and 1 woman. These people clearly sat in a room for an hour or two and threw out any "rule" that popped into their head. It was probably a really fun day at work that turned into a waste of time and paper for the rest of us.
Out of 607 rules, I thought that about 10 of them were actually good. The rest were things like, "There is no shame in cinnamon toast," and "The best instrument is a cello." Honestly, I'm not going to waste my time going back to count the number of "there is no shame in..." rules, because there were too many. Clearly, there is no shame in things that this particular group of men (and one woman) enjoyed, but, according to Rule 357, there IS shame in things like golf umbrellas because this group thinks they're unmanly.
Umlauts were mentioned twice, both positively and negatively. "Parlance" was given 3 consecutive rules.
So. Many. Fat. Jokes.
The most irritating rules for me -- sadly, there was more than one -- were the ones with stupid fractions and numbers pulled out of thin air. For example, "Rule No. 397: A man wearing a paper trainee hat is, during the time he has it on, precisely 1/6th of a man." HUH? I literally would have preferred it if they had just called the trainee a dork.
I simply cannot believe that this list of arbitrary opinions was green-lighted to be published into an actual physical book. It is proof to me that there was an actual need for Buzzfeed to exist. This thing should have been in a clickbait article that could disappear instead of littering bookshelves. I'm embarrassed that this trash was in my local library, but quite pleased that it has been withdrawn and placed on a free cart.
I am so glad to have finally gotten my "Worst of the Year" over with on Jan 11. Thanks, Esquire!
July 7, 2008
This is a very humorous guide for men...and women will find it funny as well! It is an easy to read book, consisting simply of a list of rules you should live your life by. Here are some examples of the guidance they provide: [return][return]Rule number 2: When someone says he is
May 28, 2008
Just "EH." Interesting to see how the other half lives (or should), but it could have been so much funnier than it was.
July 26, 2010
read this review and others at http://readingforsanity.blogspot.com/...
March 23, 2013
A collection of one of my favorite features of Esquire magazine. Entertaining as all get out.
November 4, 2013
Clever, fun, and sometimes dead on point. A good read.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews