The Seven Conflicts: Resolving the Most Common Disagreements in Marriage

by Tim Downs, Joy Downs

Marriages are under increasing strain these days, with over half of them ending in divorce. Conflict is seen as grounds to end a marriage, rather than an opportunity to grow closer to each other and to God. The Seven Conflicts is an excellent resource for equipping couples to learn to understand the true nature of their conflicts and deal with them in a way that will actually help their marital fulfillment. Couples will learn to identify their mutual dreams, put differences into perspective, understand each other's underlying motives, and work together as partners who are more in love than ever.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction

304 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2003

About the author

Tim Downs is a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Indiana University. After graduation in 1976 he created a comic strip, Downstown, which was syndicated by Universal Press Syndicate (Calvin & Hobbes, Doonesbury, The Far Side) from 1980 to 1986. His cartooning has appeared in more than a hundred daily newspapers worldwide. Tim has written seven mystery/suspense novels: Shoofly Pie, Chop Shop, PlagueMaker, Head Game, First the Dead, Less than Dead, and Ends of the Earth. PlagueMaker was awarded the Christy Award for the best CBA mystery/suspense novel of 2006, and Less than Dead was a finalist for the 2009 Christian Book Award in suspense fiction. Tim lives in Cary, North Carolina, with his wife Joy. They have three grown children.

Reviews

[Chad · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book walks through 7 areas of conflict that are common in marriage: Security, Loyalty, Responsibility, Caring, Order, Openness, and Connection. It explains that these conflicts arise from differences of deeply-held beliefs (what the book calls "dreams") in the areas of the 7 Conflicts. It teaches that you must see through a disagreement to the underlying true source of conflict, understand your spouse's perspective, then move towards your spouse's position to resolve the conflict.

The authors repeatedly state that you'll continue to have conflict with your spouse in these areas, but you can improve in how you respond to and resolve the conflict, which will improve your marriage. A good summary of the book is when the authors say,

We instinctively see our mate's differences as evidence of some shortcoming, and then we busy ourselves with the task of making him the person he ought to be. But marriage is not a license to recreate your mate in your own image … Marriage is a chance to cooperate with God's plan to recreate both of you in the image of His Son.

The book is heavy on practical advice, but disappointingly light on Bible references. It's almost all on the earthly (non-spiritual) plane, with almost no mention of sin. The truth is that even though the items over which a couple comes into conflict may not themselves be sinful, one spouse often sins against the each other to get their way, or sins against the other when they don't get their way. This book doesn't talk about that sin, or about confronting your spouse for their sin against you, or about forgiving your spouse, or about asking God for help to overcome temptations to sin against your spouse.

Each of the chapters about the 7 conflicts ends with an inventory to rate yourself in that area. I laughed at several example conversations that are uncannily similar to ones I've had.

I found the following books more helpful for the spiritual aspects of conflict resolution, and more biblically-based:
• Resolving Everyday Conflict (an excerpt of The Peacemaker)
• The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
• What Did you Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

Notes
Part One: Different People, Different Dreams

The Four Stages of Marital Conflict
Psychologist John Gottman estimates 70% of marital conflicts are perpetual (they'll be part of your life until death).

Areas of significant conflict are about more than opinions or values; they're about our worldviews and dreams—how we think life and marriage ought to work.

Part Two: The Seven Conflicts of Marriage
Security: Protection and Provision
Components of Security: Protection and Provision.

Loyalty: Faithfulness and Priority
Components of Loyalty: Faithfulness (trustworthiness) and Priority (putting spouse before others).

Arguments about in-laws are often about loyalty; about spouse feeling in-laws are taking Priority.

Tension over balance between work and family is often about loyalty. What one spouse sees as Faithfulness, the other may see as lack of Priority.

Responsibility: Obligation and Expectation
Components of Responsibility: Obligation (what you feel you owe) and Expectation (what others expect of you).

You may try to explain, justify, or passionately defend a principle, but if your spouse doesn't share it, they won't feel its power.

Caring: Awareness and Initiative
Components of Caring: Awareness (of spouse's feelings and concerns) and Initiative (willingness to engage spouse about their problem/concern).

Most of 7 conflicts aren't gender-specific, but lack of Caring is voiced by far more women than men. Women's primary complaint is that men don't participate in the relationship enough; they're spaced out, preoccupied, not available, aren't aware, don't initiate.

Awareness of concern must be followed by Initiative (doing something about concern) to be perceived as caring; otherwise it leads to conflict.

Order: Structure and Control
Components of Order: Structure (planning) and Control.

A spouse who likes less pressure than their spouse may see their spouse as controlling.

Openness: Sociability and Energy
Components of Openness: Sociability (desire to be with people) and Energy (what drains and recharges you).

Connection: Communication and Decision Making
Connection problems arise from different styles of Communication and Decision-Making.

Connection problems may be most serious because they underlie the other 6 conflicts.

A circular communicator wants a conversation, while a linear communicator only wants info.

Tentative decision-makers focus on the outcome (Is this the best choice? Are there better options? What if we make the wrong choice?). Decisive decision-makers focus on decision itself (just get it done).

Part Three: Resolving the Seven Conflicts
What Are We Fighting For?
• "What is marriage for? Marriage is intended to glorify God by helping reshape each of us into the person God intended him to be."
• "Then what is conflict? Conflict is often a clash of passions. … Conflict is a tool in the sharpening process."
• "Then how do you respond to conflict? By asking, 'What am I supposed to learn from this about myself, my Creator, and my mate?'"

In the tumbler of marriage, with God's help, we smooth and polish each other. Without Him, we only collide.

We not only grow despite our conflicts, we grow because of them (Prov 27:6).

Taking the First Steps
5 steps to approaching conflict
1. Be an ambassador of goodwill. Show spouse same respect, kindness, consideration that you would a stranger, even when spouse isn't showing you goodwill.
2. Don't avoid conflict. Overlook spouse's actions that upset you when you can (Prov 19:11), but when you can't, confront.
3. Identify your part in the problem. Remove the log in your eye before focusing on the speck in your spouse's eye (Luke 6:41-42).
4. Figure out who else might have a part in the problem (negative or positive). Think about childhood, past relationships, parents, cultural expectations, stresses and fears. Try to eliminate those influences from your discussion.
5. Identify dead ends: times, places, approaches, and words that haven't helped resolve conflict in past.

Moving Toward the Fence
Figure out how far your dreams/preferences are from your spouse's, and what you can do to move closer to their dreams/preferences.

When spouse makes efforts to approach your dreams/preferences, encourage them with words of affirmation.

Speaking the Truth in Love
How to speak the truth in love
• Introduce a complaint with praise/approval.
• Recognize good intentions before pointing out bad actions.
• Be genuine/sincere.

Revisiting the Seven Conflicts … Security, Loyalty, and Responsibility
6 approaches to conflict that never work
1. Trying to talk spouse out of your dream, or into yours.
2. Accusing spouse of being irrational because their dream doesn't make sense to you.
3. Arguing the greater virtue, logic, or practical benefit of your dream.
4. Accusing spouse of overreacting because their dream means too much to them.
5. Identifying 5 friends who do things your way.
6. Accusing spouse of being stubborn.

Security
Create pockets of acceptable risk in life: calculated risk within overall safe environment.

Good side: dark side
• Principle-oriented: rule bound
• Sense of right and wrong: sees in black and white
• Fulfills obligations: acts only out of obligation

Tell spouse what you want, not what they ought to do. Help them understand how important your sense of obligation is to you.

Revisiting the Seven Conflicts … Caring, Order, Openness, and Connection
Caring
Good side: dark side
• Helps without being asked: helps without begin wanted
• Cares about details: controlling, smothering

If spouse values caring, take 1st step in areas they care about, to show you're trying.

Order
Good side: dark side
• Organized: controlling
• Efficient: impersonal
• Structured: obsessive
• Scheduled: inflexible
• Punctual: impatient
• Hands-on: perfectionistic

Focus on areas where order is critical, not areas it's only desirable.

Schedule unstructured time to satisfy your desire for order and spouse's desire for spontaneity.

Marriage to a Difficult Man—or Woman
If you try to extend grace to each other every day, and to work to create constant atmosphere of love and goodwill, conflict will naturally diminish.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book on the recommendation of a friend. It took me a long time to get to it because so few libraries in my area carried. Eventually, I got my hands on a copy.

Tim and Joy Downs make the argument that all major/recurring conflicts within a marriage inevitably come back to one of the 7 core conflicts: Security, Loyalty, Responsibility, Caring, Order, Openness, and Connection. I certainly have no issues with the premise. They seem to work hard to break down gender stereotypes within the writing, which is very important to me. Overall, I'd say it was fine.

One thing that stands out to me was the analogy extends the idea of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. When we get married, we agree to walk along the fence together. Conflicts happen because we are further from the fence than our mate. I thought this was an interesting portrayal of marriage. They advocate that each partner should do his/her part to move toward the fence and when needed (carefully) ask their partner to move toward the fence as well.

I don't feel like the book unlocked any super secrets to my marriage. I believe my husband and I are in the same place most of the time. Yes, we have conflicts, and yes, those conflicts fall into a few of the 7 categories. Which is why I'm giving this 3.5 stars. Good information, just nothing earth shattering and nothing that wows me.

[Hiram Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

Purchased a copy at the request of my wife. Successfully read the entire thing because they are making good points without insisting that there is only one "good" way to be. They even state that withdrawing and hiding one's own opinions in order to keep the peace is toxic. This is something that I could not learn from a book. Instead I had to make the same mistake over and over for 41 years until I began to get a clue. They put forth an excellent image about unique individuals staying true to who they are yet noting where your partner's "true self" lives and gently moving in that direction while staying true to yourself. It forced me to ask myself, "Are there some places that I am not willing to move toward?"

Certainly one that I would recommend but I would not have been able to see the same things when I was younger.

There is one quote from page 161 of my copy of the book that is worth far more than the cost of the book or the time is took to read it. If I remember nothing else from this book this will stick with me:

I am on this earth to change you,
And you are on this earth to change me--
Not by criticizing or demanding,
But by seeking to truly know and love each other.
If we spend the next thirty, forty or fifty years together
And are not better human beings because of it,
May God forgive us both.