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Love's Promises: How Formal and Informal Contracts Shape All Kinds of Families
Blends memoir and legal cases to show how contracts can create family relationships
Most people think of love and contracts as strange bedfellows, or even opposites. In Love’s Promises , however, law professor Martha Ertman shows that far from cold and calculating, contracts shape and sustain families.
Blending memoir and law, Ertman delves into the legal cases, anecdotes, and history of family law to show that love comes in different packages, each shaped by different contracts and mini-contracts she calls “deals.” Family law should and often does recognize that variety because legal rules, like relationships, aren’t one size fits all. The most common form of family—which Ertman calls “Plan A”—come into being through different kinds of agreements than the more uncommon families that she dubs “Plan B.” Recognizing the contractual core of all families shows that Plan B is neither unnatural nor unworthy of legal recognition, just different.
After telling her own moving and often irreverent story about becoming part of a Plan B family of two moms and a dad raising a child, Ertman shows that all kinds of people—straight and gay, married and single, related by adoption or by genetics—use contracts to shape their relationships. As couples navigate marriage, reproductive technologies, adoption, and cohabitation, they encounter contracts. Sometimes hidden and other times openly acknowledged, these contracts ensure that the people they think of as “family” are legally recognized as family in the eyes of the law.
Family exchanges can be substantial, like vows of fidelity, or small, like “I cook and you clean.” But regardless of scope, the agreements shape the emotional, social, and financial terrain of family relationships. Seeing the instrumental role contracts will help readers better understand how contracts and deals work in their own families as well as those around them.
Both insightful and paradigm-shifting, Love’s Promises lets readers in on the power of contracts and deals to support love in its many forms and to honor the different ways that our nearest and dearest contribute to our daily lives.
Most people think of love and contracts as strange bedfellows, or even opposites. In Love’s Promises , however, law professor Martha Ertman shows that far from cold and calculating, contracts shape and sustain families.
Blending memoir and law, Ertman delves into the legal cases, anecdotes, and history of family law to show that love comes in different packages, each shaped by different contracts and mini-contracts she calls “deals.” Family law should and often does recognize that variety because legal rules, like relationships, aren’t one size fits all. The most common form of family—which Ertman calls “Plan A”—come into being through different kinds of agreements than the more uncommon families that she dubs “Plan B.” Recognizing the contractual core of all families shows that Plan B is neither unnatural nor unworthy of legal recognition, just different.
After telling her own moving and often irreverent story about becoming part of a Plan B family of two moms and a dad raising a child, Ertman shows that all kinds of people—straight and gay, married and single, related by adoption or by genetics—use contracts to shape their relationships. As couples navigate marriage, reproductive technologies, adoption, and cohabitation, they encounter contracts. Sometimes hidden and other times openly acknowledged, these contracts ensure that the people they think of as “family” are legally recognized as family in the eyes of the law.
Family exchanges can be substantial, like vows of fidelity, or small, like “I cook and you clean.” But regardless of scope, the agreements shape the emotional, social, and financial terrain of family relationships. Seeing the instrumental role contracts will help readers better understand how contracts and deals work in their own families as well as those around them.
Both insightful and paradigm-shifting, Love’s Promises lets readers in on the power of contracts and deals to support love in its many forms and to honor the different ways that our nearest and dearest contribute to our daily lives.
- GenresLawNonfiction
280 pages, Paperback
First published May 26, 2015
339 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
June 27, 2017
There are millions of Americans who live together, but never become formally “married.” What are their rights? Who gets the house, the car, the bank accounts if they break up or one of them dies? We spoke with Martha Ertman to find out how society and the courts view cohabitation relationships. We also discuss what cohabiting couples should do to prevent problems with the law. Listen here: https://viewpointsradio.wordpress.com...
March 22, 2020
I found this book really interesting on a lot of levels - it's an easy/fun read for the most part, interweaving Martha's story and stories from illustrative court cases. She does a wonderful job of showing that families can take a lot shapes and that law and contracts give us tools to explain and lay out and create the shapes we want. I would recommend this book to anyone who is thinking about long-term coupledom (pair-bonding! or more than pairs?) or wants to raise a child.
March 18, 2022
A mix of memoir, explanation of law, and examples of contacts, deals, and their enforceability. This book is a great resource for people in "alternative" households and family structures - LGBTQ families, sperm donor, surrogacy, adoption, mid- to late life marriages, cohabitation without marriage, etc.
May 20, 2015
The expectation for this book was extremely high for me. I wanted to see how different kinds of families used contracts for property sharing and general expectations for daily life. The author, Martha Ertman, sought to demonstrate the emotional side of contracts and deals. To break this down contracts are more easily enforceable by courts, and deals are less easily enforced by the courts. Deals like Prenuptials were once considered deals, but now have become common place and are seen as contracts. The ideas set forth in this book about how to adapt governmental signoff on contracts, expanding and narrowing marriage, and designing contracts to shape life were interesting. Contracting everything in my life I can see would not be for me, and the author does not do a believable job convincing me it is for her. Let me explain.
Too often economically oriented discussions get dismissed or put off. The author believes that contracting everything in writing helps to ensure that disagreements and arguing over money, resources, and support doesn’t happen. Contracts for her, allow her to point to proof where the other party is not holding up their end of the contract. Thus, the relationship is not working out and can be more easily ended and parties can part ways knowing what they are entitled too. If this simple description convinced you that is the case then this book could be one that you love. To me, this makes me know there will be more to argue over. Here’s an example from the book summarized and you can think about if it would help you.
The author’s girlfriend contractually agreed to appear for dinner every night. The girlfriend complained after the first couple weeks that she has not had to be on time and present for dinner since she was a teenager. The girlfriend was not liking this agreement, and so the author agreed to wave this expectation. So far this seems similar to having a relationship and allowing for some give and take, but what happens when one party does not want to release the other from a contractual obligation? What happens when one party uses the contract to bully the other? The author states that having things on paper makes things clear for people so that disagreements are easily worked through. If the disagreement is not moved through easily the contractual disagreement moves to an Arbitrator who will work with the parties and make a legally enforceable decision. The author thinks that having contracts ensures that people will act responsibly and keep the State out of individuals’ personal lives. Reading this book I came to the exact opposite conclusion. Contracting one’s behavior and livelihood by tying it to a mate, partner, or caretaker, ensures that State, Court, and any governing body will ask to see these contracts at some point. If you are a Contract Lawyer as the author is then that may not be a problem.
I was interested in how I might use this book to help use contracts with my life and changing situations. I came away with a lot of information that highlights elements to use in a contract, but I am even more reluctant use it now. The book fulfilled the promise to me but I feel it lacked on showing real reactions to using these contractual way of life. I really wanted more examples of successful tailoring of contracts and how they changed over time. I wanted to have access to contracts that I might use to tailor my life. There are some contracts in here and after reading this book I am more confident I could create them for myself. There was a lot of time spent on showing the process for the reader on what worked in contracts and what would not be enforceable. It all comes down to one particular point for me.
Do you want to have to pay lawyers, Arbitrators, to enforce disagreements in your contracts for living arrangements? Do you want to not be able to say it’s over until the contractual agreement of dissolving a relationship is fulfilled? The author has three relationship counseling sessions set as mandatory if one partner asks for them. If you refuse then you default on your contractual arrangements and there are stipulations to what that means for you. I think what the author reveals is being part of a litigious lifestyle that has an easier time talking to layers then their partner. This was an interesting book but it should be considered anti-relationship advice for some and good relationship advice if money is plentiful. You will learn a lot about property sharing agreements, cohabitation agreements, parenting and lifestyle contracts, and the history behind these contracts and deals. This book will also share many interesting facts about marriage and how it might be changed in the future. Overall, this was a good read.
Mr Joe
Too often economically oriented discussions get dismissed or put off. The author believes that contracting everything in writing helps to ensure that disagreements and arguing over money, resources, and support doesn’t happen. Contracts for her, allow her to point to proof where the other party is not holding up their end of the contract. Thus, the relationship is not working out and can be more easily ended and parties can part ways knowing what they are entitled too. If this simple description convinced you that is the case then this book could be one that you love. To me, this makes me know there will be more to argue over. Here’s an example from the book summarized and you can think about if it would help you.
The author’s girlfriend contractually agreed to appear for dinner every night. The girlfriend complained after the first couple weeks that she has not had to be on time and present for dinner since she was a teenager. The girlfriend was not liking this agreement, and so the author agreed to wave this expectation. So far this seems similar to having a relationship and allowing for some give and take, but what happens when one party does not want to release the other from a contractual obligation? What happens when one party uses the contract to bully the other? The author states that having things on paper makes things clear for people so that disagreements are easily worked through. If the disagreement is not moved through easily the contractual disagreement moves to an Arbitrator who will work with the parties and make a legally enforceable decision. The author thinks that having contracts ensures that people will act responsibly and keep the State out of individuals’ personal lives. Reading this book I came to the exact opposite conclusion. Contracting one’s behavior and livelihood by tying it to a mate, partner, or caretaker, ensures that State, Court, and any governing body will ask to see these contracts at some point. If you are a Contract Lawyer as the author is then that may not be a problem.
I was interested in how I might use this book to help use contracts with my life and changing situations. I came away with a lot of information that highlights elements to use in a contract, but I am even more reluctant use it now. The book fulfilled the promise to me but I feel it lacked on showing real reactions to using these contractual way of life. I really wanted more examples of successful tailoring of contracts and how they changed over time. I wanted to have access to contracts that I might use to tailor my life. There are some contracts in here and after reading this book I am more confident I could create them for myself. There was a lot of time spent on showing the process for the reader on what worked in contracts and what would not be enforceable. It all comes down to one particular point for me.
Do you want to have to pay lawyers, Arbitrators, to enforce disagreements in your contracts for living arrangements? Do you want to not be able to say it’s over until the contractual agreement of dissolving a relationship is fulfilled? The author has three relationship counseling sessions set as mandatory if one partner asks for them. If you refuse then you default on your contractual arrangements and there are stipulations to what that means for you. I think what the author reveals is being part of a litigious lifestyle that has an easier time talking to layers then their partner. This was an interesting book but it should be considered anti-relationship advice for some and good relationship advice if money is plentiful. You will learn a lot about property sharing agreements, cohabitation agreements, parenting and lifestyle contracts, and the history behind these contracts and deals. This book will also share many interesting facts about marriage and how it might be changed in the future. Overall, this was a good read.
Mr Joe
May 22, 2015
Let me begin with the standard disclosure that I received a copy of this book free as part of Goodreads website’s “First Reads” program.
Martha M. Ertman’s book “Love’s Promises” addresses the formal and informal agreements we make to create and maintain family. It covers legally binding contracts, such as the legal processes of marriage and adoption. But, and I think more interestingly, it covers what she terms “deals,” those agreements that are not enforceable by law, lack the formality of legal contract, are not generally recognized by the culture at large, yet make up some of the most essential elements of how we dance the dance of existing together.
My original interest in entering the “First Reads Give-Away” was the expectation of exploring the informal deals. In my classes, I address the types of deals that adolescents enter with their parents. These are often informal, and rarely expressly spoken. Such agreements as “We will pay for music lessons and go to recitals only if you practice the instrument and continue to develop musically.” I expected more discussion of those agreements spanning family. However, the book addresses creating family. Coming together in marriage, cohabitation, or other coupling (even tripling), and adding children to various types of family.
The trajectory of the book builds upon Ertman’s own experiences having what she calls a Plan B family type. Being lesbian, she is not a participant in the two-sex, young and fertile, let’s make a baby approach. Rather, she contracts with a gay man to enter into a co-parenting, non-traditional family situation in order to have a child. This provides the backdrop for the whole book. She ties the legal stuff together by vignettes of her life, relationships, contracts, deals, and life presented at the start of chapters. Readers get to see the real lives and personal story intertwined with what can seem to fall into textbook writing.
Overall, the book meets a need to help inform those who don’t meet the assumed standard model of family making. There are informative tidbits that clarity this “standard” is a fairly recent invention and, though she doesn't say it this way, the much touted “traditional marriage” hearkens back to 1950s family sitcoms but isn't generally reflected in American history. Those who adopt, same sex couples, blended families, single parents who desire a romantic life, and others will find value in this book. Similarly, I could envision its value in Family Studies programs.
Martha M. Ertman’s book “Love’s Promises” addresses the formal and informal agreements we make to create and maintain family. It covers legally binding contracts, such as the legal processes of marriage and adoption. But, and I think more interestingly, it covers what she terms “deals,” those agreements that are not enforceable by law, lack the formality of legal contract, are not generally recognized by the culture at large, yet make up some of the most essential elements of how we dance the dance of existing together.
My original interest in entering the “First Reads Give-Away” was the expectation of exploring the informal deals. In my classes, I address the types of deals that adolescents enter with their parents. These are often informal, and rarely expressly spoken. Such agreements as “We will pay for music lessons and go to recitals only if you practice the instrument and continue to develop musically.” I expected more discussion of those agreements spanning family. However, the book addresses creating family. Coming together in marriage, cohabitation, or other coupling (even tripling), and adding children to various types of family.
The trajectory of the book builds upon Ertman’s own experiences having what she calls a Plan B family type. Being lesbian, she is not a participant in the two-sex, young and fertile, let’s make a baby approach. Rather, she contracts with a gay man to enter into a co-parenting, non-traditional family situation in order to have a child. This provides the backdrop for the whole book. She ties the legal stuff together by vignettes of her life, relationships, contracts, deals, and life presented at the start of chapters. Readers get to see the real lives and personal story intertwined with what can seem to fall into textbook writing.
Overall, the book meets a need to help inform those who don’t meet the assumed standard model of family making. There are informative tidbits that clarity this “standard” is a fairly recent invention and, though she doesn't say it this way, the much touted “traditional marriage” hearkens back to 1950s family sitcoms but isn't generally reflected in American history. Those who adopt, same sex couples, blended families, single parents who desire a romantic life, and others will find value in this book. Similarly, I could envision its value in Family Studies programs.
October 16, 2015
LOVE'S PROMISES is a wonderful blend of memoir and law, and also American history. It's about how we build relationships, families, and lives. I'm not a parent, spouse, co-habitant or lawyer, so I didn't know if I'd read until the end. But I did, and was ever more moved by the value of our everydays, and how - apologies for sounding corny - love drives our lives, what a powerful force it is. Love and tending. For me, the discussion of tending (which threads through every discussion of agreement), is especially what I will carry with me always.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews