Taken By The Toaster: An Inanimate Love Story

by Dick Thumper

You'll never look at your toaster the same way again...
John unwraps his present on Christmas day to see that his parents have bought him a toaster. But this isn't just any toaster...this toaster accepts WIDE slices.

John's insatiable lust for his kitchen appliance comes to a bread head when he finally satisfies his desires of being Taken By The Toaster and the two engage in a steamy bout of "Setting 1" love-making.

The Reviews Are Already In!
"Honey, this is the strangest thing you've ever written." Mother.

"When are you moving out again?" Father

Critics are calling it "Shit," but who ever listened to a critic? Look Inside and gird your loins. You're in for a wild ride.

Genres: Humor

12 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 14, 2015

Reviews

[Isa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the funniest things I've read in recent years.

Onto the plot:
John, a basement dwelling weeaboo neckbeard, spends his time on "intellectual pursuits at [his]computer" and cannot spare any more of it, not even for Christmas dinner, which his mother brings down to the basement so he won't have to join the festivities above.

He is adamantly against moving out of his parents' house for, as he puts it, "Pussy-Slasher underscore 1975 is almost forty and he still lives at home", and seeing as he's a "level two hundred paladin" he's a worthy role model.

But more importantly, for Christmas, John got a toaster. And is immediately enamoured by it. Oh, he tries to fight it, but as he says, "that harlot of a toaster just wouldn't quit".

And that was the beginning of a steamy and passionate relationship.

Reminded me a lot of this comic (sorry, I don't know who to attribute credit):




I strongly recommend it.

[Aleatha Romig · Rating 5 out of 5]

One the funniest parodies I've read! This is obviously a talented author playing the system to show what a joke these short novellas are. That said, I loved it!!! Laugh out loud funny!

[Jennifer Wolfel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok I cannot believe that I am going to give this a 5 star review but I am basing this on the writing and the hysterical laughs we had while reading this... I purchased this book while on a girls weekend and we literally read it as a bed time story at night. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life at the one liners and the antics that this author went to, to make us believe that this guy had an infatuation with the unimposing white toaster that his parents imparted on him as a gift to get out of their house and make his life on his own. The book was flawlessly written and the lines like "F#(K the sprouts" had us laughing so hard we were in tears... If you want to get a REALLY GOOD LAUGH buy this and read it... It's worth the dollar!!!

[LM · Rating 2 out of 5]

Listen up. This book is absolutely ridiculous. That not a surprise just looking at the cover, reading the title and synopsis.

But Dick Thumper can writer. Seriously. He's really darn good at it, and I actually enjoyed this stupid book.

Best way to start my week!

[Kristin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This isn't a parody of erotic novels, but of fedora wearing neckbeards.

That poor toaster :(

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

toaster banging at its best lol

[haferhanni · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Pussy- Slasher underscore 1975 is almost forty and he still lives at home" had me in tears (is my humor broken?). I was recently introduced to the toaster-lover genre, thanks to other masterpieces out there, so naturally, I had to read this book as well.
P.S. To my friends who may read this review, feel free to give this genre a try

[Drea · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a tongue-in-cheek short story about a nerd whacking off with his brand new Christmas present--a wide lipped toaster. That's basically the whole of it. Except, well, the nerd is an asshole living in his parent's basement (seriously, he's completely rude). There's no love story in this and the "erotic" part is clearly written by a guy...since there's more effort spent on providing us with metaphors for the MCs dick size (candy-bar-sized?) than anything else. So if you see this for free (I did) and need something ridiculous to pass a few minutes, grab it. Otherwise stay awaaaayyyyy.

[Elaine White · Rating 2 out of 5]

I got this when it was free, because I'd seen a lot of people say that this was ridiculously hilarious. Unfortunately, although it was laughable and cringeworthy, it wasn't all that people made it out to be.

Not my taste, this time. :(

[John Ferrigno · Rating 5 out of 5]

The greatest piece of toaster erotica ever written. Beautiful, touching, sensual and riveting, this tale of forbidden love and appliance lust is a must read. Takes the act of a lonely man sexually violating his toaster and raises it to high art. Not to be missed!

[Lauryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

hilarious

I probably will read this book to someone over the phone when we need a laugh. It's hilarious! Hilarious I tell ye!

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was quite a fun read. Basically a book parody of all the romance novels out there. It was a very creative story and especially if you read it out loud with someone.

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Shrug. I thought it would be a snigger over a cup of tea (NOT A SLICE OF TOAST!!). It really wasn't that funny.

[Cecilia Aubrey]

This little tongue-in-cheek diddy was nicely written and so crazy I couldn't help but laugh while reading it.

[Wendy Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointing read. Was quite fun, but the lack of sympathetic 'hero' was a killer. Didn't care about him. Not worth the money.

[L.J. Baker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Um

Ok this isn't exactly quality literature, but it was good for a good laugh. I'm just hoping that's how it was intended.

[Nimia Bradford · Rating 1 out of 5]

i didn't find the humor of it and left me feeling sick and thinking wth...thankfully i didn't have to pay for it

[☆Dani☆]

This looks like such a beautiful romance. <3

[Anna's Herding Cats]

Dude. He's such an asshole. It would have been more entertaining if he wasn't such a prick.