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The Sexual Self
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
July 5, 2018
The revised edition of this book was written in 1983 (the year my son was born) so I found it to be an interesting look at sexuality of the time. The great sexual revolution was being reined in by AIDS and the author provides a realistic view of the previous excitement (from an earlier edition) then quashed by the fears of AIDS. The book is an interesting snap shot of that time. A time that, by her descriptions, completely passed me by.
I had a difficult time relating to the psychoanalytic bent of this book mostly because I think much of psychoanalysis is a load of crap. That said, I do recognize that our minds are extremely complicated. I have often admired the clean simplicity of the sex therapy techniques developed by Masters and Johnson. You can find them in a variety of books and on the internet. I have always liked the idea that the couple does these simple exercises together (which are a lot of fun in their own right) and they can overcome on their own many sexual problems. It has a sort of a shade tree mechanic's "try changing the spark plug" approach that I like. It is quick, clean, inexpensive, and I think (in my infinite wisdom) can help a couple attain a wonderful loving intimacy without endless trips to a shrink to delve into the dark and dingy corners of their childhood and all this Freudian Oedipal crap. Surely, I can improve on my premature ejaculation without a two decade long revisit of my mother's propensity for beating my ass over anything remotely sexual at a shrink's office. And yes, I was able to overcome many of my sexual hangups primarily because I am married to a patient and wonderful woman that loves me very much and because, despite my mother and religion's best efforts, my hangups were not very troublesome. For instance I have never feared the vagina dentata:
OK, I have to admit that if one is worried about such matters, perhaps they need more help than the equivalent to try changing the spark plug. The book goes into the myriad ways that the various personality types (passives, passive aggressive, histrionics, narcissists, schizoids, paranoids and more) can run afoul in the bedroom. And she provides a thoughtful critique of how some therapist's use of only these shade tree methods and having no training in the deeper psychosexual concerns that lie at the root of the problem and can be damaging to clients. I have been admiring plumbers who are repairing faucets when the real problem is lead contamination at the water plant. So essentially this book gave me a greater appreciation for the possible psychological dysfunctions behind the sexual problems. That is, the sex problem is not always the problem per se, but rather a symptom of a deeper probem which if not addressed will result in a waste of time of performing the sex therapy and may result in serious trouble in the future.
Despite being dated, I found this book to be a useful addition to my personal library.
I had a difficult time relating to the psychoanalytic bent of this book mostly because I think much of psychoanalysis is a load of crap. That said, I do recognize that our minds are extremely complicated. I have often admired the clean simplicity of the sex therapy techniques developed by Masters and Johnson. You can find them in a variety of books and on the internet. I have always liked the idea that the couple does these simple exercises together (which are a lot of fun in their own right) and they can overcome on their own many sexual problems. It has a sort of a shade tree mechanic's "try changing the spark plug" approach that I like. It is quick, clean, inexpensive, and I think (in my infinite wisdom) can help a couple attain a wonderful loving intimacy without endless trips to a shrink to delve into the dark and dingy corners of their childhood and all this Freudian Oedipal crap. Surely, I can improve on my premature ejaculation without a two decade long revisit of my mother's propensity for beating my ass over anything remotely sexual at a shrink's office. And yes, I was able to overcome many of my sexual hangups primarily because I am married to a patient and wonderful woman that loves me very much and because, despite my mother and religion's best efforts, my hangups were not very troublesome. For instance I have never feared the vagina dentata:
Beyond cultural influences, paranoids develop their own physical terrors of sex. A man may fear that his partner’s secretions will harm him, that she is dirty and will soil him with her mucus or her menses. He may fear castration, with the attendant fantasy that teeth inside the vagina will bite off his penis.
Offit, Avodah K. The Sexual Self: How Character Shapes Sexual Experience (Avodah Offit Memorial Series Book 3) (Kindle Locations 1237-1240). Beckham Publications Group, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
OK, I have to admit that if one is worried about such matters, perhaps they need more help than the equivalent to try changing the spark plug. The book goes into the myriad ways that the various personality types (passives, passive aggressive, histrionics, narcissists, schizoids, paranoids and more) can run afoul in the bedroom. And she provides a thoughtful critique of how some therapist's use of only these shade tree methods and having no training in the deeper psychosexual concerns that lie at the root of the problem and can be damaging to clients. I have been admiring plumbers who are repairing faucets when the real problem is lead contamination at the water plant. So essentially this book gave me a greater appreciation for the possible psychological dysfunctions behind the sexual problems. That is, the sex problem is not always the problem per se, but rather a symptom of a deeper probem which if not addressed will result in a waste of time of performing the sex therapy and may result in serious trouble in the future.
Despite being dated, I found this book to be a useful addition to my personal library.
October 4, 2021
I'm glad I spent time with this book. For one, I got to learn more about how the psychoanalysts see personality. That was cool because today it's all Big Five, Big Five. I had been interested in the psychoanalysts but hadn't familiarized myself with their theories of personality, or problems of personality.
I found myself thinking about the context of sexuality in a deeper way while reading this book. She talks a lot about marriage and the sex that happens there. Looking at marriage through it's varied affects on sexuality seemed to illuminate aspects of the natures of both for me. I wondered about the meaning of fidelity when she wrote about sexual fantasy; I observed the sensitivity of sexual excitement as I read how it waxed and waned with conscious and subconscious conflict; I grasped the fundaments of functional sexual encounters when I read about sexual disorders.
I will say the middle of the book lagged a little for me. It's basically a (incomplete) list of things that could go wrong based on personality. I did gain a better idea of the elements of sex when reading this part but I think I could've gotten that with less. At the same time, I think she kind of wanted to be a source for upcoming therapist, so I take the good with the long winded.
I'm really appreciative of the broader cultural observations she makes. She writes about the far reach of scientific conceptualization and how that influenced how people understood their sexual selves, problems, and solutions. I'm in favor of her admonishment that if the psychosexual therapist wants to be helpful, they'll need to understand more about human nature than sexual techniques.
The chapter called Female Liberation killed me. If nothing else, and there is much else, her definition of freedom here rings so true to my instincts: being culturally free can be a lot like being lost. Anyway, to read the examples of the variety of personalities trying to live out their feminist ideals and satisfy what gives them actual pleasure--man. Read this section for yourself.
There's so much to this book. I think I've covered enough. I remember when I first started the book and she was writing that we could learn more about human nature and individual character from our sexual selves than any other facet of human life, I felt this was a bit exaggerated. I still don't feel it at a deep level when I read it. I will say I'm a bit more convinced in that direction after reading the book, at least at the universality of sexuality in human life, the importance of it, and the meaning embedded in it. Maybe I'm a little late lol
One other thing I can't leave out. If I read right, she believes that sex comes from love. To elaborate but remain brief she thinks the origins of sexual touch are in the care/touch we get from caregivers as children , even if it's punitive. This touch by our early attachment figures sets the stage for our sexual selves later on (duh she's a psychoanalyst). If a person was sufficiently neglected (weird phrasing, whatever) they may have no sexual feeling as adults. But even distorted or dysfunctional care could lead to the ability to carry on fulfilling sexual activities eventually. All that to say, it seemed she had a really optimistic view of the origins of sexuality even if the childhood wasn't picture perfect. The affect it had on me was to want to wander back to my childhood and think/imagine/remember the (perhaps imperfect) care given to me and to see it as the reason I can experience joy. I felt very grateful which is not an emotion I usually associate with my childhood. and considering that thought experiment was from a psychoanalyst, I'm pretty impressed.
I found myself thinking about the context of sexuality in a deeper way while reading this book. She talks a lot about marriage and the sex that happens there. Looking at marriage through it's varied affects on sexuality seemed to illuminate aspects of the natures of both for me. I wondered about the meaning of fidelity when she wrote about sexual fantasy; I observed the sensitivity of sexual excitement as I read how it waxed and waned with conscious and subconscious conflict; I grasped the fundaments of functional sexual encounters when I read about sexual disorders.
I will say the middle of the book lagged a little for me. It's basically a (incomplete) list of things that could go wrong based on personality. I did gain a better idea of the elements of sex when reading this part but I think I could've gotten that with less. At the same time, I think she kind of wanted to be a source for upcoming therapist, so I take the good with the long winded.
I'm really appreciative of the broader cultural observations she makes. She writes about the far reach of scientific conceptualization and how that influenced how people understood their sexual selves, problems, and solutions. I'm in favor of her admonishment that if the psychosexual therapist wants to be helpful, they'll need to understand more about human nature than sexual techniques.
The chapter called Female Liberation killed me. If nothing else, and there is much else, her definition of freedom here rings so true to my instincts: being culturally free can be a lot like being lost. Anyway, to read the examples of the variety of personalities trying to live out their feminist ideals and satisfy what gives them actual pleasure--man. Read this section for yourself.
There's so much to this book. I think I've covered enough. I remember when I first started the book and she was writing that we could learn more about human nature and individual character from our sexual selves than any other facet of human life, I felt this was a bit exaggerated. I still don't feel it at a deep level when I read it. I will say I'm a bit more convinced in that direction after reading the book, at least at the universality of sexuality in human life, the importance of it, and the meaning embedded in it. Maybe I'm a little late lol
One other thing I can't leave out. If I read right, she believes that sex comes from love. To elaborate but remain brief she thinks the origins of sexual touch are in the care/touch we get from caregivers as children , even if it's punitive. This touch by our early attachment figures sets the stage for our sexual selves later on (duh she's a psychoanalyst). If a person was sufficiently neglected (weird phrasing, whatever) they may have no sexual feeling as adults. But even distorted or dysfunctional care could lead to the ability to carry on fulfilling sexual activities eventually. All that to say, it seemed she had a really optimistic view of the origins of sexuality even if the childhood wasn't picture perfect. The affect it had on me was to want to wander back to my childhood and think/imagine/remember the (perhaps imperfect) care given to me and to see it as the reason I can experience joy. I felt very grateful which is not an emotion I usually associate with my childhood. and considering that thought experiment was from a psychoanalyst, I'm pretty impressed.
September 23, 2018
The Sexual Self discusses the impact of human nature on sexual personality. It was originally published in 1977, when sexual liberation was accompanied by an increase in sexual therapy. Dr. Offit's book traces adult sexual behaviour back to the bonding process at birth and the interaction with parents at an early age. A harmonious sexual relationship will exist if the individual understands that sex is a part of the total personality. Sexual problems may be due to passive-aggressive issues that have to be acknowledged and addressed, before a healthy sexual relationship can develop. While physical sex and prowess can occur without emotional attachment, pair-bonding and love will increase the changes of a successful sexual relationship.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews