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Everything That Kills Me
Two boys. One deadly secret. A love worth risking everything for.
Rescued from a raging inferno as a young child, Jack is homeschooled in more than English and maths. His saviour is training him to be an assassin. But when Jack is compelled to attend an ordinary school, in an ordinary English town, his carefully controlled life unravels.
Zeph, brilliant, passionate and determined, has his eyes set on Cambridge and a future in intelligence. He has no time for distractions, at least, not until Jack turns up at his school. He’s everything Zeph has secretly longed for but he has no idea his life will never be the same again.
As boys turn into men, the cost of their connection becomes clear. Jack’s secrets are dangerous, and each time he sees Zeph, the more the two of them are at risk. Jack knows he should walk away and not look back. Is a happy-ever-after possible when his life is full of secrets and lies, disappearances and deception?
But some things are meant to be.
Warning
Violence – this is about an assassin after all!
None of the following are major themes but occur in the cruelty to a child, bullying, homophobic and transphobic remarks, cancer, brief mention of eating disorder, brief mention of suicide, gambling, death of parents.
422 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 23, 2025
46 people are currently reading
122 people want to read
About the author
Barbara Elsborg
100 books1,678 followersBarbara Elsborg lives in Kent in the south of England. She always wanted to be a spy, but having confessed to everyone without them even resorting to torture, she decided it was not for her. Volcanology scorched her feet. A morbid fear of sharks put paid to marine biology. So instead, she spent several years successfully selling cyanide.
After dragging up two rotten, ungrateful children and frustrating her sexy, devoted, wonderful husband (who can now stop twisting her arm) she finally has time to conduct an affair with an electrifying plugged-in male, her laptop.
Her books feature quirky heroines and bad boys, and she hopes they are as much fun to read as they are to write.
After dragging up two rotten, ungrateful children and frustrating her sexy, devoted, wonderful husband (who can now stop twisting her arm) she finally has time to conduct an affair with an electrifying plugged-in male, her laptop.
Her books feature quirky heroines and bad boys, and she hopes they are as much fun to read as they are to write.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 46 reviews
June 29, 2025
✰ 3.25 stars ✰
I adored Zeph and Jack's time together as teenagers at Fishbourne Academy, the Irresistible Boy to his Cinderfella. Yearning and I? We're like this. 🤝🏻 I know it like the back of my hand and Elsborg delivered that earnest desire with such a palpable touch that it was oozing from the pages, screaming from their touches, ached with wanting, and having me clutch my pearls at how I wanted so badly for them just to be happy and together without the constraints of their lives that prevented them from openly being seen together. 🤌🏻🤌🏻💞
No, but for real. I was just smitten. 🥰🥰: kisses on the palm. 🫠 cheesy lyrics that still had me swooning. 😌 the draw to pull someone back in again for kiss after kiss after kiss - sweet and soft and insistent because you can't bear to be apart, because you never know when the next time will be, because he's the one person who would remind him of the teenage boy he was, not a deadly weapon. 🥹💓 I felt their love. Their hearts were beating in tune with mine. It was beautiful, and I was eating up - happily, mind you - their time together, when they were kept apart. It sounds like I'm a masochist for enjoying the angst more, but yeah... it made my heart go doki doki, okay? 🥺
“I see you but you don’t see me
Maybe that’s how it’s meant to be
My heart’s breaking
But you don’t see
Just how much you mean to me.”
But, then the inevitable happens. Heartbreak. Life. Life and Jack's need to fulfill his role as a hired gun at sixteen, because that was the card life dealt him, while Zeph has to deal with an even harsher and crueler fate that is his abusive family and horrible bullies. What they shared so briefly in their sixth year at school is forever etched into their hearts and souls that when they reunite time and tide again, that attraction is undeniably still together. 😢 One will say Zeph is too easily forgiving, too easily accepting of Jack's need to disappear without explanation, because his longing and love for him is so much stronger than reason.
So, I got it. I didn't blame him. If I was in his shoes, still clinging on to that unresolved devotion and desperation for that fierce connection of being open and affectionate and vulnerable that was only felt with one person. Perfect as this moment seemed, it was ephemeral. ❤️🩹❤️🩹 I, too, wouldn't hesitate to welcome him again with open arms, even with the unresolved questions circling in my head wanting to know more about them, but resigned that just having them is enough to let it go.
What I didn't get was how as I was reading, a lyric began continuously playing in my head.
I think I've seen this film before...
Why? Because as someone who has read a fair number of Elsborg's books, I could not shake this feeling that everything felt rehashed from a book I've already read. it was less than subtle how I just kept thinking this has been done before already. The later years of their dialogue, interactions, the tension, it was too familiar not to dismiss that it started weighing down on my enjoyment of the story. 🤔😕
“Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.”
The plot was paper-thin... Jack's storyline never felt fully developed, despite how crucial it was to keep himself hidden away, despite how being with Zeph may be the very thing that could destroy him. I felt at times that the focus was really <b>just their relationship; two wayward spirits who somehow would always find their way back to each other, no matter what hurdles they had to face. Be it the face of intense danger on the outside, or the health threats that lay inward. 😥
I'm also not happy with the continuous attack of targeting specific countries for illicit affairs. Once is fine, two is barely acceptable, but three times --- it's an unhealthy fascination, if not projection, which honestly now is rubbing me the wrong way. 😒 I'm not saying that it's not likely that such characters exist; I just find the redundancy of it now overused and no longer tolerable.
Zeph's family was OTT horrible, but maybe it was deliberate for the Cinderella vibes, so I'll try to dismiss it, but... Zeph's personality, also took a nosedive; his similarities to past Elsborg's characters (iykyk) was not noticeable as a sixth year, but once he became a Cambridge student, his actions, his demeanor, his voice was so vividly reminiscent to past books' MCs that it was hard to take him seriously at times. 🤷🏻♀️
“Such a simple thing having someone pleased to see him, but the delight it brought… Jack treasured it.”
Still, they were sweet. They were cute, and uff, every moment filled with wonder, pleasure, excitement and such overwhelming joy and happiness of sharing every intimate first time together. Yes, as much as I am critiquing some points, Elsborg has a gift for turning up the heat that has me fanning myself! ❤️🔥😳 It even hurt to see how Jack was so wanting of Zeph, but couldn't stay long enough, how his heart was torn over the decision he couldn't bear to make, just to protect him and keep him and his heart safe, and Zeph feeling lost and lonely every time he was left behind.
But when all is said and done, what bothers me most, is that I've never read one of the author's books featuring teens. So I can't help but think that if I had, maybe I would have felt the same sense of deja vu about their teen years, especially if it may have been something done before. 😔
“See it in my face
Feel it in my touch
Know it from my kiss
You are everything to me.”
I adored Zeph and Jack's time together as teenagers at Fishbourne Academy, the Irresistible Boy to his Cinderfella. Yearning and I? We're like this. 🤝🏻 I know it like the back of my hand and Elsborg delivered that earnest desire with such a palpable touch that it was oozing from the pages, screaming from their touches, ached with wanting, and having me clutch my pearls at how I wanted so badly for them just to be happy and together without the constraints of their lives that prevented them from openly being seen together. 🤌🏻🤌🏻💞
No, but for real. I was just smitten. 🥰🥰: kisses on the palm. 🫠 cheesy lyrics that still had me swooning. 😌 the draw to pull someone back in again for kiss after kiss after kiss - sweet and soft and insistent because you can't bear to be apart, because you never know when the next time will be, because he's the one person who would remind him of the teenage boy he was, not a deadly weapon. 🥹💓 I felt their love. Their hearts were beating in tune with mine. It was beautiful, and I was eating up - happily, mind you - their time together, when they were kept apart. It sounds like I'm a masochist for enjoying the angst more, but yeah... it made my heart go doki doki, okay? 🥺
“I see you but you don’t see me
Maybe that’s how it’s meant to be
My heart’s breaking
But you don’t see
Just how much you mean to me.”
But, then the inevitable happens. Heartbreak. Life. Life and Jack's need to fulfill his role as a hired gun at sixteen, because that was the card life dealt him, while Zeph has to deal with an even harsher and crueler fate that is his abusive family and horrible bullies. What they shared so briefly in their sixth year at school is forever etched into their hearts and souls that when they reunite time and tide again, that attraction is undeniably still together. 😢 One will say Zeph is too easily forgiving, too easily accepting of Jack's need to disappear without explanation, because his longing and love for him is so much stronger than reason.
So, I got it. I didn't blame him. If I was in his shoes, still clinging on to that unresolved devotion and desperation for that fierce connection of being open and affectionate and vulnerable that was only felt with one person. Perfect as this moment seemed, it was ephemeral. ❤️🩹❤️🩹 I, too, wouldn't hesitate to welcome him again with open arms, even with the unresolved questions circling in my head wanting to know more about them, but resigned that just having them is enough to let it go.
What I didn't get was how as I was reading, a lyric began continuously playing in my head.
I think I've seen this film before...
Why? Because as someone who has read a fair number of Elsborg's books, I could not shake this feeling that everything felt rehashed from a book I've already read. it was less than subtle how I just kept thinking this has been done before already. The later years of their dialogue, interactions, the tension, it was too familiar not to dismiss that it started weighing down on my enjoyment of the story. 🤔😕
“Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.”
The plot was paper-thin... Jack's storyline never felt fully developed, despite how crucial it was to keep himself hidden away, despite how being with Zeph may be the very thing that could destroy him. I felt at times that the focus was really <b>just their relationship; two wayward spirits who somehow would always find their way back to each other, no matter what hurdles they had to face. Be it the face of intense danger on the outside, or the health threats that lay inward. 😥
I'm also not happy with the continuous attack of targeting specific countries for illicit affairs. Once is fine, two is barely acceptable, but three times --- it's an unhealthy fascination, if not projection, which honestly now is rubbing me the wrong way. 😒 I'm not saying that it's not likely that such characters exist; I just find the redundancy of it now overused and no longer tolerable.
Zeph's family was OTT horrible, but maybe it was deliberate for the Cinderella vibes, so I'll try to dismiss it, but... Zeph's personality, also took a nosedive; his similarities to past Elsborg's characters (iykyk) was not noticeable as a sixth year, but once he became a Cambridge student, his actions, his demeanor, his voice was so vividly reminiscent to past books' MCs that it was hard to take him seriously at times. 🤷🏻♀️
“Such a simple thing having someone pleased to see him, but the delight it brought… Jack treasured it.”
Still, they were sweet. They were cute, and uff, every moment filled with wonder, pleasure, excitement and such overwhelming joy and happiness of sharing every intimate first time together. Yes, as much as I am critiquing some points, Elsborg has a gift for turning up the heat that has me fanning myself! ❤️🔥😳 It even hurt to see how Jack was so wanting of Zeph, but couldn't stay long enough, how his heart was torn over the decision he couldn't bear to make, just to protect him and keep him and his heart safe, and Zeph feeling lost and lonely every time he was left behind.
But when all is said and done, what bothers me most, is that I've never read one of the author's books featuring teens. So I can't help but think that if I had, maybe I would have felt the same sense of deja vu about their teen years, especially if it may have been something done before. 😔
June 23, 2025
Reviewing as I go-
Interesting start - stay with his clearly chaotic family or go with someone, a stranger, who seems to choose you. At six.
"You and I are family now," Thomas said. "We won't lie to each other. You must be loyal to no one but me. In return, I will always look after you."
"I'll look after you too."
Thomas smiled again. "Unless I tell you not to."
"Unless you tell me not to," the boy repeated.
I am Jack
I am Jack.
I am Jack.
Both Jack and Zeph have difficult, dysfunctional teen years in very different ways within different homes. Both impactful. Their youthful attachment gains momentum at sixteen and is also cut short at sixteen, quite hurtfully, but the magnetic pull remains strong within Zeph.
Sometimes Zeph could fool himself into thinking that his heart had never cracked at all. Only when he was in bed, drowning in a sea of loneliness, only then did he let himself remember how Jack had made him feel.
Lots of emotions/all the feels so far. It's so easy for me to understand the genesis of these boy's attachment. It's easy for me to love them both, irrespective of circumstances.
Elsborg has not shied away from or sanitised Jack's 'career' There's more to this scene but I'll just put this part on here-
He waited in the bathroom with his silenced gun in his gloved hand. He'd leave no fingerprints. He'd already wiped down his room. His heart rate was steady, as was his blood pressure. No stress hormones were racing through his body. Nerves were not an issue. Nor was he scared. He was focused.
So much happens in this book of over more than a decade. From school, university, to work. Jack comes in and out of Zeph's life. And Zeph waits for him because he's loved Jack from virtually the beginning. Jack wants happiness for Zeph, not the potential danger he brings, but he cannot stay away. It's not possible to not come back to dear Zeph. He represents hope and kindness and life. Zeph would much prefer them together but he will take the years of separation with intense connection for short periods over not having Jack at all.
"There's been no one else for me," Zeph whispered. "I told you that before. There never will be. I told you that too."
Jack should have turned and said the same to Zeph. It was true. But he didn't utter another word before he left.
The Story of Us is one of my favourite books. This book is very reminiscent of that book while remaining unique. It's riveting. There is an interesting storyline. Both MCs have their own struggles and finding a way to be able to be together is one of them. However, it's always easy to just pick up and be together when the opportunity arises. Meaning when Jack can slip away for a while. Always for very limited periods. The MCs are just meant to be together. You feel it in your very marrow, hoping like crazy it's going to be the reality for them by the end.
Blog review at
Interesting start - stay with his clearly chaotic family or go with someone, a stranger, who seems to choose you. At six.
"You and I are family now," Thomas said. "We won't lie to each other. You must be loyal to no one but me. In return, I will always look after you."
"I'll look after you too."
Thomas smiled again. "Unless I tell you not to."
"Unless you tell me not to," the boy repeated.
I am Jack
I am Jack.
I am Jack.
Both Jack and Zeph have difficult, dysfunctional teen years in very different ways within different homes. Both impactful. Their youthful attachment gains momentum at sixteen and is also cut short at sixteen, quite hurtfully, but the magnetic pull remains strong within Zeph.
Sometimes Zeph could fool himself into thinking that his heart had never cracked at all. Only when he was in bed, drowning in a sea of loneliness, only then did he let himself remember how Jack had made him feel.
Lots of emotions/all the feels so far. It's so easy for me to understand the genesis of these boy's attachment. It's easy for me to love them both, irrespective of circumstances.
Elsborg has not shied away from or sanitised Jack's 'career' There's more to this scene but I'll just put this part on here-
He waited in the bathroom with his silenced gun in his gloved hand. He'd leave no fingerprints. He'd already wiped down his room. His heart rate was steady, as was his blood pressure. No stress hormones were racing through his body. Nerves were not an issue. Nor was he scared. He was focused.
So much happens in this book of over more than a decade. From school, university, to work. Jack comes in and out of Zeph's life. And Zeph waits for him because he's loved Jack from virtually the beginning. Jack wants happiness for Zeph, not the potential danger he brings, but he cannot stay away. It's not possible to not come back to dear Zeph. He represents hope and kindness and life. Zeph would much prefer them together but he will take the years of separation with intense connection for short periods over not having Jack at all.
"There's been no one else for me," Zeph whispered. "I told you that before. There never will be. I told you that too."
Jack should have turned and said the same to Zeph. It was true. But he didn't utter another word before he left.
The Story of Us is one of my favourite books. This book is very reminiscent of that book while remaining unique. It's riveting. There is an interesting storyline. Both MCs have their own struggles and finding a way to be able to be together is one of them. However, it's always easy to just pick up and be together when the opportunity arises. Meaning when Jack can slip away for a while. Always for very limited periods. The MCs are just meant to be together. You feel it in your very marrow, hoping like crazy it's going to be the reality for them by the end.
Blog review at
Read
June 23, 2025No rating as I didn't finish. This book has deeply xenophobic and racist themes that I am not comfortable reading. Two out of three of Jack's targets so far have been corrupt POCs/foreign nationals with an unhealthy interest in teenage boys. It also refers to Al-Shuaibi as 'the Saudi' multiple times, which is an incredibly racist and dehumanising way to refer to a person when you know their name.
June 23, 2025
First, this was an amazingly well-written story with a genius plot, and super duber intriguing.
Second, it will be difficult, but I’ll try to give a short impression!
Jack was saved from a deadly fire by a man when he was only six. Thomas (not his real name) took him in, learned him everything he wanted him to know. Especially to be an assassin. Throughout this story, we get to know what this exactly involves! Be amazed!!
After being trained for years, Jack excels on all fronts!! Think about something and he has the skills.
Jack is also fluent in six languages: English, Russian, Arabic, French, Spanish, and Farsi.
Ten years after his rescue, Thomas wants Jack to attend an ordinary school. Become an ordinary student, at the Fishbourne Academy, it’s all part of a bigger plan.
Zeph is a survivor, he has his late mom’s delicate features, he’s a math genius, and he’s quiet and lonely.
His bullies always seem to have a reason to bully him at the Fishbourne Academy.
School is not the only place where he got bullied
Let’s just keep it at Zeph has a hard time with his homophobic father, stepmother, and stepsisters, an unfair very hard and mean time.
Zeph and Jack became friends, secretly, they are attracted to each other, and even fell hopelessly in love! Jack knows it all has an expiration date!!
This is as much as I can give you. It’s just a tiny tiny piece of the whole story!
With both the lives they live in mind, will they be each other’s downfall, or maybe each other’s strength?
The story will tell. I can spoil there’s a lot to overcome.
It covers quite some years, the story bursts with events, so fasten your seatbelts and get wrecked, intrigued, fascinated, and emotional, but above all enjoy this masterpiece!!
This author is on my top favorite list! Every story she writes is a deeply moving, layered, finely designed gem!!
Review also on Love Bytes LGBTQ blog
Second, it will be difficult, but I’ll try to give a short impression!
Jack was saved from a deadly fire by a man when he was only six. Thomas (not his real name) took him in, learned him everything he wanted him to know. Especially to be an assassin. Throughout this story, we get to know what this exactly involves! Be amazed!!
After being trained for years, Jack excels on all fronts!! Think about something and he has the skills.
Jack is also fluent in six languages: English, Russian, Arabic, French, Spanish, and Farsi.
Ten years after his rescue, Thomas wants Jack to attend an ordinary school. Become an ordinary student, at the Fishbourne Academy, it’s all part of a bigger plan.
Zeph is a survivor, he has his late mom’s delicate features, he’s a math genius, and he’s quiet and lonely.
His bullies always seem to have a reason to bully him at the Fishbourne Academy.
School is not the only place where he got bullied
Let’s just keep it at Zeph has a hard time with his homophobic father, stepmother, and stepsisters, an unfair very hard and mean time.
Zeph and Jack became friends, secretly, they are attracted to each other, and even fell hopelessly in love! Jack knows it all has an expiration date!!
This is as much as I can give you. It’s just a tiny tiny piece of the whole story!
With both the lives they live in mind, will they be each other’s downfall, or maybe each other’s strength?
The story will tell. I can spoil there’s a lot to overcome.
It covers quite some years, the story bursts with events, so fasten your seatbelts and get wrecked, intrigued, fascinated, and emotional, but above all enjoy this masterpiece!!
This author is on my top favorite list! Every story she writes is a deeply moving, layered, finely designed gem!!
Review also on Love Bytes LGBTQ blog
June 27, 2025
Another fabulous read by Barbara Elsborg, she is firmly in my favourite author category.
In Everything That Kills Me, I was taken on an emotional journey that covered around a decade of Jack and Zeph's lives and their hard-won relationship.
My heart broke for both of these young men throughout this story, but I never gave up hoping they would get their happy ever after despite the barriers that kept them apart.
I'm glad I got the backstory of each of the MCs, as upsetting as some of it was, it was essential to understanding the journey their lives took.
Starting at age 16, seeing the way Zeph was treated by his family and by the kids at school made my heart ache for him, and I felt anger and dislike for his family; no family should treat their children or siblings the way they did. Meeting Jack at school and their short but deep connection is the catalyst for change he needs, even though it brings heartbreak on more than one occasion over the subsequent years.
My heart also went out to Jack, who at 6 was saved from a house fire and taken in by Thomas and trained to be an assassin, something he didn't fully understand when he was given the choice at such a young age and something he eventually takes for granted as his future, until he meets Zeph and his view of the world, his life and his future are changed.
An emotional read full of ups and downs and doubts, and hopes, it doesn't shy away from some of the darker aspects of life.
In Everything That Kills Me, I was taken on an emotional journey that covered around a decade of Jack and Zeph's lives and their hard-won relationship.
My heart broke for both of these young men throughout this story, but I never gave up hoping they would get their happy ever after despite the barriers that kept them apart.
I'm glad I got the backstory of each of the MCs, as upsetting as some of it was, it was essential to understanding the journey their lives took.
Starting at age 16, seeing the way Zeph was treated by his family and by the kids at school made my heart ache for him, and I felt anger and dislike for his family; no family should treat their children or siblings the way they did. Meeting Jack at school and their short but deep connection is the catalyst for change he needs, even though it brings heartbreak on more than one occasion over the subsequent years.
My heart also went out to Jack, who at 6 was saved from a house fire and taken in by Thomas and trained to be an assassin, something he didn't fully understand when he was given the choice at such a young age and something he eventually takes for granted as his future, until he meets Zeph and his view of the world, his life and his future are changed.
An emotional read full of ups and downs and doubts, and hopes, it doesn't shy away from some of the darker aspects of life.
June 26, 2025
Downs and ups. Such a roller coaster. 👀👌
May 23, 2025
What a ride for Jack and Zeph.
Once again this author has shown her superb story telling ability via Jack and Zeph’s amazing book. Circumstances have these two wonderful characters come together as teens and then spend years spinning in and out of each other’s orbit until everything finally falls into place for them. It’s at times a rough ride for them interspersed with some beautiful memory making moments. Neither Jack or Zeph have had it easy growing up with many challenges faced and overcome by both. Their first meeting as seniors at school does not leave a good impression but a connection is soon established between them. A connection that never wavers even when there’s years between them seeing each other.
Be prepared for some angst both internal and external of the relationship, steamy times when Jack and Zeph get together, some action and drama and a hard fought for and well deserved HEA. I had some feels towards both Jack and Zeph along the way but knew that this author would bring it all together and leave me so happy at the end.
Once again this author has shown her superb story telling ability via Jack and Zeph’s amazing book. Circumstances have these two wonderful characters come together as teens and then spend years spinning in and out of each other’s orbit until everything finally falls into place for them. It’s at times a rough ride for them interspersed with some beautiful memory making moments. Neither Jack or Zeph have had it easy growing up with many challenges faced and overcome by both. Their first meeting as seniors at school does not leave a good impression but a connection is soon established between them. A connection that never wavers even when there’s years between them seeing each other.
Be prepared for some angst both internal and external of the relationship, steamy times when Jack and Zeph get together, some action and drama and a hard fought for and well deserved HEA. I had some feels towards both Jack and Zeph along the way but knew that this author would bring it all together and leave me so happy at the end.
June 24, 2025
DNF at 40% I’m probably in the minority here but this was just too long and really tedious .I started skimming…not a good sign but eventually gave up through sheer boredom.
July 12, 2025
A thrilling, heart-wrenching coming-of-age story following Jack, an assassin raised in secrecy, and Zeph, a guy he met in school and who had been tmbeing treated from his family. From school to dangerous missions, their bond keeps pulling them together.
I adored Zeph especially and was rooting for him throughout.
i wished there was less heartache for him 😭
I adored Zeph especially and was rooting for him throughout.
i wished there was less heartache for him 😭
July 3, 2025
Draft
Another fantastic read. The author writes the best broken characters that will make you cry…
Another fantastic read. The author writes the best broken characters that will make you cry…
June 24, 2025
5* If you loved The Story of Us by BE, you'll love this. Shades-is, but not.
I've not read a BE gay romance novel that I've not loved, with TSoU being my favourite 'tortured' one (she does like to put her leads through the ringer) and her bonkers-LOL Jonty Bloom series, the books that I read to cheer myself up. This book threatens to dethrone TSoU, but it's a weirdly slightly lighter read, despite the premise - you'll need to read it and see.
This book falls into the 'tortured' category, though not too much in the sense of physical torture, but a love that isn't allowed out in the open; that can't be admitted by one of the leads (no guesses who); that is manipulated by others and by one of the leads (again, no guesses who), and with a HEA that needed to be 'orchestrated' so that the guys wouldn't always be on the move, having to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives. There's not a lot of BE' trademark levity in this, and at times, there's abuse that I couldn't fathom as a parent, but that wasn't dwelled on, thankfully. The unpalatable aspects of the storyline weren't overly dwelled on, either - it was more 'mission brief, debrief, onto the next'.
I'm not sure that I liked how lies came so easily to Jack, but I loved the romantic in him who went against everything he'd been taught, just for glimpses of Zeph, to both torture himself with, but also, I thought, to sustain himself go on existing and doing what he did best, the only thing he knew to do. Zeph was my favourite character (although Thomas reminded me a bit of Gary Oldman as Sirius Black, deserving of a good smack for one of his actions, but always there for Jack. Oh, and brill reveal at the end), who actually was the more stubborn and determined of the two, with his life plans and with life's plans for him. He had a lot of growing up to do at a time when life should've been about fun, exploring and learning. What didn't break him made him stronger for what it meant to be with Jack, although 'be with' at times felt like a push.
Things did eventually come good for them, a given with a tale by BE, but the emotional toll on Zeph felt a little unfair. I didn't doubt that Jack struggled too, but he had a freedom that Zeph didn't in his very organised life - a life that ultimately would 'equalise' their roles, protecting their HEA by helping them be ahead of the game.
There's a tiny bit of very welcome levity at the end, that made me feel I could breathe out deeply - they'd made it, against the odds. And yes, the old Phil Collins song seems appropriate here.
I've not read a BE gay romance novel that I've not loved, with TSoU being my favourite 'tortured' one (she does like to put her leads through the ringer) and her bonkers-LOL Jonty Bloom series, the books that I read to cheer myself up. This book threatens to dethrone TSoU, but it's a weirdly slightly lighter read, despite the premise - you'll need to read it and see.
This book falls into the 'tortured' category, though not too much in the sense of physical torture, but a love that isn't allowed out in the open; that can't be admitted by one of the leads (no guesses who); that is manipulated by others and by one of the leads (again, no guesses who), and with a HEA that needed to be 'orchestrated' so that the guys wouldn't always be on the move, having to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives. There's not a lot of BE' trademark levity in this, and at times, there's abuse that I couldn't fathom as a parent, but that wasn't dwelled on, thankfully. The unpalatable aspects of the storyline weren't overly dwelled on, either - it was more 'mission brief, debrief, onto the next'.
I'm not sure that I liked how lies came so easily to Jack, but I loved the romantic in him who went against everything he'd been taught, just for glimpses of Zeph, to both torture himself with, but also, I thought, to sustain himself go on existing and doing what he did best, the only thing he knew to do. Zeph was my favourite character (although Thomas reminded me a bit of Gary Oldman as Sirius Black, deserving of a good smack for one of his actions, but always there for Jack. Oh, and brill reveal at the end), who actually was the more stubborn and determined of the two, with his life plans and with life's plans for him. He had a lot of growing up to do at a time when life should've been about fun, exploring and learning. What didn't break him made him stronger for what it meant to be with Jack, although 'be with' at times felt like a push.
Things did eventually come good for them, a given with a tale by BE, but the emotional toll on Zeph felt a little unfair. I didn't doubt that Jack struggled too, but he had a freedom that Zeph didn't in his very organised life - a life that ultimately would 'equalise' their roles, protecting their HEA by helping them be ahead of the game.
There's a tiny bit of very welcome levity at the end, that made me feel I could breathe out deeply - they'd made it, against the odds. And yes, the old Phil Collins song seems appropriate here.
May 26, 2025
It's been said that there's no such thing as a perfect book. In Everything That Kills Me, Barbara Elsborg has come as close to perfection as can be done. From the outset, this book about two young men who share an impossible love takes the reader into the dark world of professional assassins. Both are isolated: Zeph by a family that despises his homosexuality, and Jack by the life he is training to live. Written in third person omniscient, each character is distinct in mind and physicality. The reader follows Zeph and Jack from senior school to university (Zeph) and a dangerous, rigorous career (Jack). The plot sends your heart racing, and Zeph's character is no less compelling than Jack's. Zeph is a brilliant mathematician and computer scientist whose goal is to work for GCHQ. Jack lives life on the edge, nurtured, guided and trained by the mysterious and elusive Thomas. Jack moves into and out of Zeph's life, never permanent, yet each reunion is a passionate rekindling of the bond that connects them.
This is a highly cinematic story. Think a younger Jonathan Bailey as Zeph, Austin Butler as Jack and Pedro Pascal as Thomas. Every unexpected plot twist and beautifully balanced intimacy evokes powerful visual images. Moreover, the book contains what I believe makes a story above the herd: the reader learns about unique places, rich literature and intriguing factoids that enrich the characters and add a nuance the few authors can match. Very simply, Everything Than Kills Me stands as one of the finest works in the genres of MM romance and thriller. It's easily in the same class as John Wiltshire's More Heat Than The Sun -- and that's the highest praise I can bestow. Congratulations to Barbara Elsborg for her incredible work!
This is a highly cinematic story. Think a younger Jonathan Bailey as Zeph, Austin Butler as Jack and Pedro Pascal as Thomas. Every unexpected plot twist and beautifully balanced intimacy evokes powerful visual images. Moreover, the book contains what I believe makes a story above the herd: the reader learns about unique places, rich literature and intriguing factoids that enrich the characters and add a nuance the few authors can match. Very simply, Everything Than Kills Me stands as one of the finest works in the genres of MM romance and thriller. It's easily in the same class as John Wiltshire's More Heat Than The Sun -- and that's the highest praise I can bestow. Congratulations to Barbara Elsborg for her incredible work!
June 15, 2025
At the heart of this book is an incredible love story. One that overcomes years of desertion, constant lies and tremendous fear. Jack and Zeph are like 2 magnets that keep finding each other however life played them.
Zeph comes from an awful family undeserving of the brilliant young man that he is, very reminiscent of a modern day Cinderfella with cruel step sisters and all.
As for Jack, he had a doting mentor that saved his life, kept him safe and then went on to train him with his craft.
A craft that included how not to get killed while attempting an assassination (gulp).
Both boys grew up devoid of love till they first set eyes on each other at the age of 16.
What follows is a truly emotional roller coaster of stolen moments through the years, I may have shed a tear or two. I really enjoyed this story and I was cursing Jack throughout for what he kept doing to my sweet Zeph, how could they hope for a happy future together given the dangers surrounding them.
Another great story with excellent characters and storyline, I love Barbara Elsborg's writing.
Zeph comes from an awful family undeserving of the brilliant young man that he is, very reminiscent of a modern day Cinderfella with cruel step sisters and all.
As for Jack, he had a doting mentor that saved his life, kept him safe and then went on to train him with his craft.
A craft that included how not to get killed while attempting an assassination (gulp).
Both boys grew up devoid of love till they first set eyes on each other at the age of 16.
What follows is a truly emotional roller coaster of stolen moments through the years, I may have shed a tear or two. I really enjoyed this story and I was cursing Jack throughout for what he kept doing to my sweet Zeph, how could they hope for a happy future together given the dangers surrounding them.
Another great story with excellent characters and storyline, I love Barbara Elsborg's writing.
July 5, 2025
I'm a sucker for characters warped out of their healthy selves by the pressures of difficult pasts. Jack gave me that in this book, and I cheered to see him battle his way toward some kind of normal life. Brought up to become an assassin by a man who was a master at the craft, his lack of emotional reactions was attributable to his training. I liked seeing him find emotional connections at last with Zeph.
This story pulled me along through the narrative and I was cheering for them to find their HEA. My only caveat was that huge, emotionally devastating things happened to the characters while separated, that were mentioned only in retrospective and in passing. I really wanted to see how emotions under stress played out for these characters internally and individually more than I did. It is hard to write a book with long separations, but these were character-forming moments that I missed.
Nonetheless, I had a hard time putting it down, and finished satisfied with the resolution not just of the romance, but of their family connections as well.
This story pulled me along through the narrative and I was cheering for them to find their HEA. My only caveat was that huge, emotionally devastating things happened to the characters while separated, that were mentioned only in retrospective and in passing. I really wanted to see how emotions under stress played out for these characters internally and individually more than I did. It is hard to write a book with long separations, but these were character-forming moments that I missed.
Nonetheless, I had a hard time putting it down, and finished satisfied with the resolution not just of the romance, but of their family connections as well.
June 19, 2025
- second chance
- found family
Well, this was an emotional ride that never let up from the first moment we meet Jack, to the very end and Jack and Zeph finally getting their - VERY - hard fought HEA. Jack's life is far from what anyone would call normal, taken from his abusive family at the age of 6 and brought up to be what can only be called an assassin. It's the only life he's ever known or wanted, until one day his guardian decides he needs to attend an actual school and he meets Zeph. Zeph's family is horrific, there's no other word for it. They're so awful to him, all of them and none of them have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. I'm glad he left when he did, I'm only sorry he didn't leave before that.
Zeph hasn't had it easy at all, but he's smart and driven and knows what he wants and is going to get it. He's drawn to Jack and for Zeph there is nobody else. Luckily Jack feels the same but the two are torn apart more than once during the story by events and people and my heart went out to Zeph more than once. This story moves along at a good pace and I could not stop turning the page to see what happened next. I loved how cheerful Zeph was in the face of everything bad that was happening to him and I couldn't have been happier to see him get his HEA, because if anyone deserved it, it's Zeph.
I loved this story, I couldn't put it down and while it's long, it doesn't feel like it and it's a satisfying story, ultimately. I loved this.
I received an ARC and this is my honest review.
- found family
Well, this was an emotional ride that never let up from the first moment we meet Jack, to the very end and Jack and Zeph finally getting their - VERY - hard fought HEA. Jack's life is far from what anyone would call normal, taken from his abusive family at the age of 6 and brought up to be what can only be called an assassin. It's the only life he's ever known or wanted, until one day his guardian decides he needs to attend an actual school and he meets Zeph. Zeph's family is horrific, there's no other word for it. They're so awful to him, all of them and none of them have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. I'm glad he left when he did, I'm only sorry he didn't leave before that.
Zeph hasn't had it easy at all, but he's smart and driven and knows what he wants and is going to get it. He's drawn to Jack and for Zeph there is nobody else. Luckily Jack feels the same but the two are torn apart more than once during the story by events and people and my heart went out to Zeph more than once. This story moves along at a good pace and I could not stop turning the page to see what happened next. I loved how cheerful Zeph was in the face of everything bad that was happening to him and I couldn't have been happier to see him get his HEA, because if anyone deserved it, it's Zeph.
I loved this story, I couldn't put it down and while it's long, it doesn't feel like it and it's a satisfying story, ultimately. I loved this.
I received an ARC and this is my honest review.
June 17, 2025
Absolute, absolute perfection - I adore a long Barbara Elsborg novel and Everything That Kills Me is one I could really sink my teeth into!
The novel starts with the main characters meeting in school and carries on through their adult years as their paths cross off and on. I completely adore Zeph. Even with all the awful things that happen throughout his life, his faith in his love for Jack never wavers. He's kept in the dark about everything till almost the end of the story, and Barbara Elsborg weaves the most intense and wonderful mystery which kept me on the edge of my seat! Seriously, we know it is going to all work out for a marvelous happily ever after, but damn, the tension is gorgeous.
Action, adventure, glorious suspense - and of course the most beautiful romance ever. Everything That Kills Me is a complete and utter treasure!
an advanced copy of Everything That Kills Me was provided by the generosity of the author for the purpose of my honest review, all opinions are my own
The novel starts with the main characters meeting in school and carries on through their adult years as their paths cross off and on. I completely adore Zeph. Even with all the awful things that happen throughout his life, his faith in his love for Jack never wavers. He's kept in the dark about everything till almost the end of the story, and Barbara Elsborg weaves the most intense and wonderful mystery which kept me on the edge of my seat! Seriously, we know it is going to all work out for a marvelous happily ever after, but damn, the tension is gorgeous.
Action, adventure, glorious suspense - and of course the most beautiful romance ever. Everything That Kills Me is a complete and utter treasure!
an advanced copy of Everything That Kills Me was provided by the generosity of the author for the purpose of my honest review, all opinions are my own
June 19, 2025
These two guys meet in high school. Zeph is being bullied and Jack is the new kid.
Right from the start, Jack's young life is full of secrets and lies Zeph knows nothing about it. Zeph has his theories about Jack's secrets but it's something they can't and don't talk about.
Zaph has a relatively normal upbringing but it was not without some tragedy and adversity.
I enjoyed watching them reconnect. Finding their attraction and bond just as strong and growing stronger, but never quiet cemented, as Jack disappears and reappears in Zeph's life over the years. My heart broke for both of these men as the years passed. I became fully invested in them getting the hea they both deserve.
There was danger, action and a secret identity. This story was so well written you that you feel everything from both of these men. Confusion, hurt, regrets, love, passion and affection.
This is a fantastic story I highly recommend!!
Right from the start, Jack's young life is full of secrets and lies Zeph knows nothing about it. Zeph has his theories about Jack's secrets but it's something they can't and don't talk about.
Zaph has a relatively normal upbringing but it was not without some tragedy and adversity.
I enjoyed watching them reconnect. Finding their attraction and bond just as strong and growing stronger, but never quiet cemented, as Jack disappears and reappears in Zeph's life over the years. My heart broke for both of these men as the years passed. I became fully invested in them getting the hea they both deserve.
There was danger, action and a secret identity. This story was so well written you that you feel everything from both of these men. Confusion, hurt, regrets, love, passion and affection.
This is a fantastic story I highly recommend!!
June 26, 2025
Every time I pick a book by Barbara Elsborg I'm pretty sure what to expect and that is great writing, heartfelt, often angsty story, interesting plot development, some action and great humour when it fits into a story. And every single time she manages to exceed my pretty high expectations. There's a reason she's a one click for me.
This is another story that will stay with me and the theme song is playing on repeat in my head and I don't mind it at all, quite the opposite. Some of you might have already guessed which song I'm talking about.
Everything that kills me is a heartbreaking, beautiful and uplifting story about the love that just won't quit, despite impossible odds that are against it. Don't worry there's a hard won HEA.
And just a heads up - there's a link to bonus short story hidden in there so don't stop reading after The End.
No matter what she decides to write next - I can't wait.
This is another story that will stay with me and the theme song is playing on repeat in my head and I don't mind it at all, quite the opposite. Some of you might have already guessed which song I'm talking about.
Everything that kills me is a heartbreaking, beautiful and uplifting story about the love that just won't quit, despite impossible odds that are against it. Don't worry there's a hard won HEA.
And just a heads up - there's a link to bonus short story hidden in there so don't stop reading after The End.
No matter what she decides to write next - I can't wait.
June 30, 2025
What a superb book I read u till the early hours of the morning as I just couldn’t leave Zeph and Jack .
When at 16 years old Zeph met Jack it was like a door was opened into another life for both of them.
Their life’s together and separately are written beautifully , eventually their lives fall into place and their love blossoms.
Both had such different beginnings Zeph’s family were toxic the bullies at school were no better.
I had my heart in my mouth when Jack was “ working “.
They moved in and out of each other’s lives nothing permanent but not for the sake of wanting.
This book has been the best book this year for me I loved everything about this book 100%.
Congratulations Barbara Elsborg.
When at 16 years old Zeph met Jack it was like a door was opened into another life for both of them.
Their life’s together and separately are written beautifully , eventually their lives fall into place and their love blossoms.
Both had such different beginnings Zeph’s family were toxic the bullies at school were no better.
I had my heart in my mouth when Jack was “ working “.
They moved in and out of each other’s lives nothing permanent but not for the sake of wanting.
This book has been the best book this year for me I loved everything about this book 100%.
Congratulations Barbara Elsborg.
July 10, 2025
It’s a perfect balance of romance and suspense that were intertwined throughout the book.
As usual with this author’s books, I couldn’t put it down, reading far into the night. Zeph and Jack had less than ideal childhoods. From meeting as high school boys to adulthood, the chemistry was always there, even when they were separated.
Though he’s a trained assassin, Jack’s humanity shines through, especially his feelings for Thomas and Zeph. Jack tries to stay away to keep Zeph safe but their pull is too strong. Even Thomas can see it’s a losing battle to keep these two apart.
The heartfelt twist just wowed me. This book is epic and compelling and I could keep reading more about these two.
As usual with this author’s books, I couldn’t put it down, reading far into the night. Zeph and Jack had less than ideal childhoods. From meeting as high school boys to adulthood, the chemistry was always there, even when they were separated.
Though he’s a trained assassin, Jack’s humanity shines through, especially his feelings for Thomas and Zeph. Jack tries to stay away to keep Zeph safe but their pull is too strong. Even Thomas can see it’s a losing battle to keep these two apart.
The heartfelt twist just wowed me. This book is epic and compelling and I could keep reading more about these two.
June 25, 2025
Zeph from age 16, Jack from 17 What an incredible saga of love and devotion, of protection and a magnetic pull so hard it lasted seventeen years and more. " Now I understand why you said that line from Counting Crows was your favorite. Everything That Kills Me makes me feel alive. It was mine........yours because....I am not going to tell you those, you need to read the journey for yourselves. " How could kissing Zeph feel like home?" Jack was saved, given a life not a choice, saved. Zeph had a life, but not a good life, not since his mother died. But whatever they went through eventually led to one of the best love stories ever. Another banger of a book from Barbara Elsborg.
June 11, 2025
I adore Barbara Elsborg’s writing, and I genuinely don’t think there’s a single book of hers I haven’t enjoyed. This one was no exception.
Normally I find it a bit tricky when a large part of a book takes place in the past, but here it was not only necessary—it was brilliantly done. The structure really allowed the emotional weight of the story to build in a way that felt honest and powerful.
And that resolution with Jack’s family? So well handled. Emotional without being over the top, and incredibly satisfying.
Normally I find it a bit tricky when a large part of a book takes place in the past, but here it was not only necessary—it was brilliantly done. The structure really allowed the emotional weight of the story to build in a way that felt honest and powerful.
And that resolution with Jack’s family? So well handled. Emotional without being over the top, and incredibly satisfying.
June 15, 2025
In true Barbara fashion, again another book I loved and devoured. I will never not read a book of hers
We are taken on one ride with Zeph and Jack. Zeph deserves all the good in his life with such a crummy family. Jack is dark and secretive but he is perfect for Jack.
And wow the twist and turns, the Chemistry they had, and might I say I loved the adult in Jacks life.
There’s lots of angst inside and outside of the relationship and they get their hard fought HEA which made me soooo happy.
We are taken on one ride with Zeph and Jack. Zeph deserves all the good in his life with such a crummy family. Jack is dark and secretive but he is perfect for Jack.
And wow the twist and turns, the Chemistry they had, and might I say I loved the adult in Jacks life.
There’s lots of angst inside and outside of the relationship and they get their hard fought HEA which made me soooo happy.
October 18, 2025
I loved this so much. Zeph and Jack meet when they’re 16 and it’s an almost instant friendship and attraction. They’ve both had rough childhoods, in different ways. Jack comes and goes in Zeph’s life over the years and that could have ruined this story for me - them not being around each other the whole time - but it didn’t. There was no drag in the story when they weren’t together. The way the author wrote it kept me so interested. I didn’t want to stop reading! And I loved each of their family members (the ones that were worthy) and their very earned hea.
June 23, 2025
Two young men who share an impossible love in the dark, high stakes world of assassins. This is an MM romantic suspense with well-developed characters and a compelling plot. There is angst of course, both internal and external to the relationship, as Zeph and Jack forge a deep connection and steal heartfelt moments throughout the years. My heart hurt for both men and the joy I felt when they got their hard-fought HEA was indescribable!
June 24, 2025
I was lucky enough to get an ARC of this book.
As is usual with Barbara's books, this was so well written with appealing main characters, along with some awful family members and some wonderful ones too.
I really enjoyed the building relationship between Zeph and Jack from angstu teenage love to reaching their HEA.
An excellent read.
As is usual with Barbara's books, this was so well written with appealing main characters, along with some awful family members and some wonderful ones too.
I really enjoyed the building relationship between Zeph and Jack from angstu teenage love to reaching their HEA.
An excellent read.
July 6, 2025
Love this!
This feels like such an epic love story. It was both necessary and heartbreaking what Jack and Zeph have to endure to get their HEA, but as always it’s super well written and *spoiler* even the dog lives. This author has a way of writing really believable, exciting action. This one is definitely getting added to my re-read pile.
This feels like such an epic love story. It was both necessary and heartbreaking what Jack and Zeph have to endure to get their HEA, but as always it’s super well written and *spoiler* even the dog lives. This author has a way of writing really believable, exciting action. This one is definitely getting added to my re-read pile.
July 14, 2025
A wonderful book of discovery and growth for two teens who travel two different paths that cross again when they are adults. Zeph tackles real world problems and Jack tackles a dark world's problems. Somehow it all works because that's what love does.
This book has a plot that is not ordinary and that makes things way more interesting than the normal romance. It is well written with dry wit sprinkled in amongst the more serious moments. Good character building and just a great story. I recommend this book to anyone who is looking for something a little different in between the ordinary.
This book has a plot that is not ordinary and that makes things way more interesting than the normal romance. It is well written with dry wit sprinkled in amongst the more serious moments. Good character building and just a great story. I recommend this book to anyone who is looking for something a little different in between the ordinary.
June 22, 2025
Jack & Zeph
Wow. This was a rollercoaster for these two but it was absolutely worth the ride. It didn't take me long to read this one. It was hard to put down. I recommend reading this one.
I received an ARC and this is my unbiased opinion
Wow. This was a rollercoaster for these two but it was absolutely worth the ride. It didn't take me long to read this one. It was hard to put down. I recommend reading this one.
I received an ARC and this is my unbiased opinion
June 22, 2025
You can't go wrong with a Barbara Elsborg romance, where she flawlessly combines romantic suspense with thrilling drama. Everything that kills me never dissapoints, and delivers exactly what the cover promises. Absolutely brilliant.
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