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We Need to Talk: How To Successfully Navigate Conflict
Relationship expert and longtime Christian therapist helps readers identify their conflict style and shares proven strategies to build and maintain healthy relationships.
- GenresPsychology
256 pages, Paperback
First published March 3, 2015
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267 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
January 19, 2018
Intelligent, well-thought and gentle, this is the book to read when you need to talk with THE somebody about THE issue (of your choice, but anyone has at least one difficult situation in need to talk - with maybe not the easiest-to-tak-to person). The book is written from the Christian perspective.
The authoress is very honest and touches some sensitive topics (like hesitancy to have a frank converstation, anger or forgiveness) yet her language is warm - and this is the winning combination, as one starts to think about their own behaviour constructively, withous any offense or fuss.
The book covers (almost) all the phases of the talk - and that from the "inner" perspective, as if what the reader can do to make the conversation useful, including the change of their own thinking, patterns, wrong habits and even the change of heart towards more positive attitude (which is not easy and the authoress acknowledges that - but she offers the perspective of better good here and I agree). I am only missing the chapter about the borders a.k.a how to better protect yourself (there are some useful tips, but I personally but prefer the whole chapter about that topic).
The authoress offers well-thought perspective and useful tips.
On a personal note - I have certainly managed the potentially flammable converstation better thanks to the perspective from this book!
Recommended read.
The authoress is very honest and touches some sensitive topics (like hesitancy to have a frank converstation, anger or forgiveness) yet her language is warm - and this is the winning combination, as one starts to think about their own behaviour constructively, withous any offense or fuss.
The book covers (almost) all the phases of the talk - and that from the "inner" perspective, as if what the reader can do to make the conversation useful, including the change of their own thinking, patterns, wrong habits and even the change of heart towards more positive attitude (which is not easy and the authoress acknowledges that - but she offers the perspective of better good here and I agree). I am only missing the chapter about the borders a.k.a how to better protect yourself (there are some useful tips, but I personally but prefer the whole chapter about that topic).
The authoress offers well-thought perspective and useful tips.
On a personal note - I have certainly managed the potentially flammable converstation better thanks to the perspective from this book!
Recommended read.
March 6, 2021
SHE COVERS A LOT OF GROUND IN THIS BOOK WITH PLENTY OF SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO OVERCOME CONFLICT ALONG WITH A MYRIAD OF OTHER TOPICS INCLUDING PARENTING, ANGER, FORGIVENESS AND EVEN MARRIAGE LIFE AND THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGES THAT COUPLES FACE IN THEIR LOVE LIFE. SHE USES LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF PEOPLE SHE HAS COUNSELED OVER THE YEARS AND GIVES YOU AN ABUNDANCE OF TALKING POINTS TO APPROACH THE ISSUES THAT YOU FACE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.
January 2, 2021
Fantastic book on how to have hard conversations. While this book is valuable to people of all beliefs and faiths, it specifically speaks to Christians. Mintle provides insight on how Christians must do a better job on having conversations and especially pursuing reconciliation during conflict.
March 26, 2024
Very informational and loved the Christian view!
March 28, 2025
I enjoyed this book, but it would have hit harder if I was in a relationship I think. Also, sometimes the author was a little blind to her own teachings.
April 3, 2015
The Great Compromise of 1990 is not in the history books — but it should be. It all started when I sewed a beautiful quilted Christmas tree skirt the year before I got married. Naturally, I expected to enjoy it under my tree for the rest of my days. However, at some point after our May wedding, I learned that my patient husband’s family had always piled fir boughs under their Christmas tree, and, naturally, he expected to do so for the rest of his days. Enter conflict, and cue Dr. Linda Mintle. According to her latest book, We Need to Talk, there are six styles of dealing with conflict whether it occurs in marriage, with other family members, in the office, dormitory, classroom, or a church business meeting. Our comparatively trivial disagreement could have been resolved in various ways:
1.Avoider – If my patient husband and I were avoiders, we might have just decided that having a Christmas tree was too much trouble. Better to avoid the conflict than to hash it out.
2.Volatile – With this conflict management style, we might have chosen to take turns having our choice of Christmas tree adornment, always ribbing the other, making snide comments, and fielding fake phone calls from Martha Stewart asking for permission to film our tree during quilted tree skirt years.
3.Hostile – If we had allowed the matter to accelerate to this level, we would have resorted to blame, personal attacks and criticism, showing contempt for the other person’s choice of decoration. Definitely leave the bottom of the Christmas tree out of all family pictures!
4.Competitive – This style may have led to years when the tree skirt went missing, or when the fir boughs mysteriously landed in the woodstove. There would have been plenty of argument over the pros and cons of each style.
5.Accommodation – If one of us had immediately given in to the other, it may have simplified our lives temporarily, but could have led to resentment in the long run.
6.Validation – Maybe it was because we were newlyweds, but I remember a very calm and rational discussion about our Christmas tree conflict. The Great Compromise of 1990 surpassed either option taken alone, for, from that point on, we spread a layer of fir boughs on the floor under the Christmas tree, and then positioned my beautiful quilted tree skirt atop the boughs with tiny tufts of evergreen peeking around the circumference. Rather than a source of tension, that particular conflict has become symbolic of our ability to bring our two worlds together for a new and better outcome.
In spite of this wonderful and harmonious outcome, it is still true in our marriage that, yes, we do “need to talk,” because it is impossible to live in harmony with everyone all the time. A relationship with a strong foundation of trust will weather conflict more effectively, and Dr. Mintle helps her readers to see that trying to avoid dealing with issues only postpones — and likely heightens the urgency of — the conflict. Recognizing individual differences and identifying preferences will increase understanding of the other person, and part of the communication process should include a clear statement of one’s expectations.
Negativity and disrespect only cloud the issue. We Need to Talk gives advice that is both biblical and practical for dealing with families of origin, “difficult” people, and the special challenges that come with divorce and blended families. Forgiveness is the oil that keeps relational machinery from seizing up or wearing out, and the real life examples of forgiveness from Dr. Mintle’s practice put flesh on the bones of I Peter 2:21-23:
” . . . you should follow [Christ’s] steps . . who, when He was reviled did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threated, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously.”
I read We Need to Talk with a pen in my hand because I wanted to underline and remember the wise words, both clever and brief, exemplified by these favorite few of Dr. Mintle’s Maxims:
•Disrespect erodes love.
•Fear triggers conflict.
•A constructive dialogue can emerge from positive feelings, but a negative response will reinforce negative feelings.
•Grumbling and complaining are signs of doubting God.
•Parenting seems easy until you have children. (Whoa, do I hear an amen?)
•The problem with being deluded is that you rarely know when you are!
•Venting anger doesn’t work. It just fans the flames.
Supplementing the content in her book, Dr. Linda Mintle blogs about making positive life changes in Doing Life Together at beliefnet.com.
Disclosure: This book was provided by Baker Books, a division of the Baker Publishing Group, in exchange for my honest review.
1.Avoider – If my patient husband and I were avoiders, we might have just decided that having a Christmas tree was too much trouble. Better to avoid the conflict than to hash it out.
2.Volatile – With this conflict management style, we might have chosen to take turns having our choice of Christmas tree adornment, always ribbing the other, making snide comments, and fielding fake phone calls from Martha Stewart asking for permission to film our tree during quilted tree skirt years.
3.Hostile – If we had allowed the matter to accelerate to this level, we would have resorted to blame, personal attacks and criticism, showing contempt for the other person’s choice of decoration. Definitely leave the bottom of the Christmas tree out of all family pictures!
4.Competitive – This style may have led to years when the tree skirt went missing, or when the fir boughs mysteriously landed in the woodstove. There would have been plenty of argument over the pros and cons of each style.
5.Accommodation – If one of us had immediately given in to the other, it may have simplified our lives temporarily, but could have led to resentment in the long run.
6.Validation – Maybe it was because we were newlyweds, but I remember a very calm and rational discussion about our Christmas tree conflict. The Great Compromise of 1990 surpassed either option taken alone, for, from that point on, we spread a layer of fir boughs on the floor under the Christmas tree, and then positioned my beautiful quilted tree skirt atop the boughs with tiny tufts of evergreen peeking around the circumference. Rather than a source of tension, that particular conflict has become symbolic of our ability to bring our two worlds together for a new and better outcome.
In spite of this wonderful and harmonious outcome, it is still true in our marriage that, yes, we do “need to talk,” because it is impossible to live in harmony with everyone all the time. A relationship with a strong foundation of trust will weather conflict more effectively, and Dr. Mintle helps her readers to see that trying to avoid dealing with issues only postpones — and likely heightens the urgency of — the conflict. Recognizing individual differences and identifying preferences will increase understanding of the other person, and part of the communication process should include a clear statement of one’s expectations.
Negativity and disrespect only cloud the issue. We Need to Talk gives advice that is both biblical and practical for dealing with families of origin, “difficult” people, and the special challenges that come with divorce and blended families. Forgiveness is the oil that keeps relational machinery from seizing up or wearing out, and the real life examples of forgiveness from Dr. Mintle’s practice put flesh on the bones of I Peter 2:21-23:
” . . . you should follow [Christ’s] steps . . who, when He was reviled did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threated, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously.”
I read We Need to Talk with a pen in my hand because I wanted to underline and remember the wise words, both clever and brief, exemplified by these favorite few of Dr. Mintle’s Maxims:
•Disrespect erodes love.
•Fear triggers conflict.
•A constructive dialogue can emerge from positive feelings, but a negative response will reinforce negative feelings.
•Grumbling and complaining are signs of doubting God.
•Parenting seems easy until you have children. (Whoa, do I hear an amen?)
•The problem with being deluded is that you rarely know when you are!
•Venting anger doesn’t work. It just fans the flames.
Supplementing the content in her book, Dr. Linda Mintle blogs about making positive life changes in Doing Life Together at beliefnet.com.
Disclosure: This book was provided by Baker Books, a division of the Baker Publishing Group, in exchange for my honest review.
March 13, 2020
There are a number of teachings that I’ll always love this book for. It’s made me see things in ways I hadn’t dreamed of and I feel forever grateful for having read this.
March 15, 2015
Conflict is by far my least favorite thing about being human. It seems a day rarely goes by without some sort of conflict with a spouse, child, relative, or friend. I am always either in the middle of it, or trying to help someone navigate through it. Regardless of my day-to-day life experiences, I feel I am always wishing I had some professional advice! Dr. Linda Mintle’s new book We Need to Talk specifically addresses How to Successfully Navigate Conflict.
From the Back Cover:
Conflict is a normal part of our lives and relationships. But the desire to avoid it and the tendency to handle it poorly can get us stuck- or even in trouble. In this practical and approachable book, therapist Dr. Linda Mintle expertly leads you through successful conflict management so that you can enjoy more secured peaceful relationships. She offers real-world advice based on solid research for marriages, parenting, extended family, ex-spouses, blended families, and friendships.
I think the most helpful thoughts on conflict Dr. Mintle offers is the idea that we learn so much about conflict from our parents. For me, looking at my style of dealing with conflict through the lens of my upbringing is enlightening. Clearly, I avoid conflict at all costs, which in the end is expensive. A certified sweep it under the rug kind of girl (the Avoider according to Dr. Mintle), I really enjoyed rethinking navigating conflict.
I also appreciate Dr. Mintle addressing blended families. I read books dealing with raising children and Christian values often and it seems the most common situation for the modern family is least discussed. Further, Dr. Mintle touches on most family relationships we all navigate. My personal favorite was the section she dedicated to Preventing In-laws from Becoming Outlaws. My husband comes from a blended family and I have three sets of in-laws! I welcome all advice! (Truly, I am blessed with some pretty amazing in-laws.)
We Need to Talk by Dr. Mintle is informative, helpful, and an easy read. It is full of examples and illustrations to assist all of us in our day to day dealings with conflict. I think it would make a great reference book for any family. I was given a complimentary copy of this book by its publisher in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own and I have not been compensated.
From the Back Cover:
Conflict is a normal part of our lives and relationships. But the desire to avoid it and the tendency to handle it poorly can get us stuck- or even in trouble. In this practical and approachable book, therapist Dr. Linda Mintle expertly leads you through successful conflict management so that you can enjoy more secured peaceful relationships. She offers real-world advice based on solid research for marriages, parenting, extended family, ex-spouses, blended families, and friendships.
I think the most helpful thoughts on conflict Dr. Mintle offers is the idea that we learn so much about conflict from our parents. For me, looking at my style of dealing with conflict through the lens of my upbringing is enlightening. Clearly, I avoid conflict at all costs, which in the end is expensive. A certified sweep it under the rug kind of girl (the Avoider according to Dr. Mintle), I really enjoyed rethinking navigating conflict.
I also appreciate Dr. Mintle addressing blended families. I read books dealing with raising children and Christian values often and it seems the most common situation for the modern family is least discussed. Further, Dr. Mintle touches on most family relationships we all navigate. My personal favorite was the section she dedicated to Preventing In-laws from Becoming Outlaws. My husband comes from a blended family and I have three sets of in-laws! I welcome all advice! (Truly, I am blessed with some pretty amazing in-laws.)
We Need to Talk by Dr. Mintle is informative, helpful, and an easy read. It is full of examples and illustrations to assist all of us in our day to day dealings with conflict. I think it would make a great reference book for any family. I was given a complimentary copy of this book by its publisher in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own and I have not been compensated.
April 13, 2015
The four words that fill the heart with fear: we need to talk. When you hear the phrase, what happens inside of you? Do you wonder what you have done? Do you think of someway to avoid the potential fall-out. Linda Minte is a therapist, academic and blogs regular on her BeliefNet blog, Doing Life Together. She wrote We Need to Talk to help people navigate the sometimes troubled waters of relational conflict.
The fourteen chapters of this book explore a number of issues that feed into the dynamics of conflict. These include trying to avoid it, trusting the other person, acknowledging differences, how negativity exasperates the issue, our different 'styles' in conflict, and solvable and unsolvable problems. Mintle also discusses at length the need to manage expectations and to have proper boundaries. She addresses the challenges of conflict within a blended family system, the different ways males and females approach sex, dealing with difficult people, the dynamics of anger and resentment and the power of forgiveness.
Mintle offers a great deal of sage advice and the sort of things that go on internally and interpersonally when we lock horns with another.She has written a self-help book to help people navigate through some difficult spots. While she has helpful insights for just about anyone I think you have to actually be in conflict to see the value of some of what she says. Still a helpful resource for the next time someone says we need to talk. I give this book 3.5 stars.
Notice of material connection, I received this book from the publisher in exchange for my honest review.
The fourteen chapters of this book explore a number of issues that feed into the dynamics of conflict. These include trying to avoid it, trusting the other person, acknowledging differences, how negativity exasperates the issue, our different 'styles' in conflict, and solvable and unsolvable problems. Mintle also discusses at length the need to manage expectations and to have proper boundaries. She addresses the challenges of conflict within a blended family system, the different ways males and females approach sex, dealing with difficult people, the dynamics of anger and resentment and the power of forgiveness.
Mintle offers a great deal of sage advice and the sort of things that go on internally and interpersonally when we lock horns with another.She has written a self-help book to help people navigate through some difficult spots. While she has helpful insights for just about anyone I think you have to actually be in conflict to see the value of some of what she says. Still a helpful resource for the next time someone says we need to talk. I give this book 3.5 stars.
Notice of material connection, I received this book from the publisher in exchange for my honest review.
May 14, 2016
The words "We need to talk," usually means something is wrong, we become defensive, it means something needs to be settled. This phrase makes us uncomfortable because you have to work through conflict. We face conflict everyday. The news, in our familly, on our jobs, just being in a public place or spiritual conflict.
We all have conflict in our everyday lives, some are easily resolved, some take a little more finesse. Knowing how to handle conflict is a skill a lot of us are lacking. This book will help you to resolve conflicts.
In the chapter about Conflict, a woman is invited to church by her friend and gives her heart to God, she realizes that some things in her life has to change. No more shacking up, no more sleeping together. This is why some young people don't belong to church, because they can't keep doing things that are wrong, they don't want people to judge them, another conflict (spiritual).
The section on Power Struggle Conflicts hits home. My power struggle has been with my daughters about my grandbabies (parenting conflict).
In Can We Trust Each Other it covers secrets, unreliability, betrayal, how to build trust. It covers Criticism, I grew up where people were constantly criticizing me, contructive criticism they called it. Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling. It talks about the styles of confluct, Avoider, Volatile, Validator, Hostile, Competitive and Accommodating.
This book covers so much, it will help you resolve a lot of issues or at least help to smooth things over.
Take a look around your home, your place of work or your church do you need to say WE NEED TO TALK?
We all have conflict in our everyday lives, some are easily resolved, some take a little more finesse. Knowing how to handle conflict is a skill a lot of us are lacking. This book will help you to resolve conflicts.
In the chapter about Conflict, a woman is invited to church by her friend and gives her heart to God, she realizes that some things in her life has to change. No more shacking up, no more sleeping together. This is why some young people don't belong to church, because they can't keep doing things that are wrong, they don't want people to judge them, another conflict (spiritual).
The section on Power Struggle Conflicts hits home. My power struggle has been with my daughters about my grandbabies (parenting conflict).
In Can We Trust Each Other it covers secrets, unreliability, betrayal, how to build trust. It covers Criticism, I grew up where people were constantly criticizing me, contructive criticism they called it. Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling. It talks about the styles of confluct, Avoider, Volatile, Validator, Hostile, Competitive and Accommodating.
This book covers so much, it will help you resolve a lot of issues or at least help to smooth things over.
Take a look around your home, your place of work or your church do you need to say WE NEED TO TALK?
August 18, 2016
Dr. Linda Mintle's "We Need to Talk: How to Successfully Navigate Conflict" is reminiscent of Jim Petersen's "Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships". I would strongly recommend both books to people having communication and conflict issues within their familial and other relationships. Most conflicts are the result of poor communication and better communication skills can lessen the instances and impact of conflict within relationships.
Dr. Mintle's book offers solid, practical advice on navigating conflict within relationships. She offers a lot of hands-on-tools so that readers can find out more about themselves and learn about aspects of themselves or others that may increase the risk of conflict occurring.
This book is also an excellent resource for college students, especially those studying social and human services, business and psychology.
My copy of this book was won from the Goodreads.com website.
Dr. Mintle's book offers solid, practical advice on navigating conflict within relationships. She offers a lot of hands-on-tools so that readers can find out more about themselves and learn about aspects of themselves or others that may increase the risk of conflict occurring.
This book is also an excellent resource for college students, especially those studying social and human services, business and psychology.
My copy of this book was won from the Goodreads.com website.
March 19, 2015
This book has tons of great information. I really appreciated her information on how our conflict style is influenced from what we experienced in childhood. She has information on personal relationships, especially marriage, in-laws, divorce, blended families, etc. Mintle really convinced my that working through conflict is good. It was interesting, however, when she came to writing about the angry person. Sometimes working through it is just not possible with such a personality.
See my complete review at http://bit.ly/1DBJ8pn.
I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of an independent and honest review.
See my complete review at http://bit.ly/1DBJ8pn.
I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of an independent and honest review.
April 9, 2015
I won this as part of a First Reads giveaway. I wasn't aware that it was written from a Christian perspective; if I'd known that I would not have entered to win. This book seemed more like a vehicle for Ms. Mintle to comment on other people's lifestyles then a book to help with communication. It was full of platitudes and not much useful advice. I found Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High much more helpful.
December 2, 2015
This was an informative read I did learn a few things from reading this book.
August 24, 2015
Everyone should read this. Practical and Biblical ways to handle conflict.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews