Same-Sex Marriage: A Thoughtful Approach to God's Design for Marriage

by Sean McDowell, John Stonestreet

Same-sex marriage is here, presenting unique challenges and opportunities. How do those who follow Christ faithfully answer the standard talking points for same-sex marriage? And how can they best articulate the case for one-man, one-woman marriage in everyday conversation?
Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet believe a thoughtful approach to God's design for marriage is the answer to both questions. The key is not a contentious attitude towards those who believe in same-sex marriage, but a winsome perspective that is faithful to Christ, committed to truth, and shaped by a love for God and others. Christians need to know that because Christ has risen, there is no such thing as "all hope is lost." They are still called to engage culture even if they are viewed as wrong, illegal and intolerant.

Genres: Christian, Christianity, Marriage, Nonfiction, Theology, Politics, Faith

176 pages, Paperback

First published July 28, 2014

About the author

Dr. Sean McDowell is a gifted communicator with a passion for equipping the church, and in particular young people, to make the case for the Christian faith. He connects with audiences in a tangible way through humor and stories while imparting hard evidence and logical support for viewing all areas of life through a Biblical worldview. Sean is an Assistant Professor in the Christian Apologetics program at Biola University.

Sean still teaches one high school Bible class, which helps give him exceptional insight into the prevailing culture so he can impart his observations poignantly to fellow educators, pastors, and parents alike.

Read more about Sean on his website.
Connect with Sean on Facebook.

Reviews

[Leah Good · Rating 5 out of 5]

What This Book Is: This is a calm, logical exploration of one of the hot topics in our culture. The authors begin by challenging readers to define marriage. They point out that we cannot pass judgement for or against same-sex marriage until we understand what the words means. They then explore the Biblical and historical understanding of the word. From there, they move on to helping readers undestand the roots of the LGBT movement. What sparked this cultural revolution? Why and how did it gain so much momentum? The final chapters of the book lay out suggestions for how the church should respond to this significant part of our culture. They challenge Christians to first look within--to begin change by reptenting of the sins we have swept under the rug. Christians should be able to show our culture by example what healthy marriage looks like and why it is desirable. They continue by encouraging Christians to find ways of interacting with members of the LGBT community with unapologetic truth and courageous compassion.

What This Book Isn't: This is not a book designed to help readers determine if homesexuality is right or wrong. It assumes a Christian worldview, and challenges readers to avoid assuming an "us versus them" mentality.

I picked this book up not knowing what to expect. This subject is riddled with strong, stressful emotion. The thought of engaging in the issue more than necessary was more than a little daunting to me. However, the LGBT movement is having a huge effect on our country, and as a young adult who will be interacting with the changes it causes, I feel that it's important to study, study the Bible, and have a firm understanding of where I stand and why. To my joy, this book was not intimidating at all. Instead it helped me understand how we got here. It also took a lot of the fear out of the subject.

I'm still processing what I read. I'm still wrestling with how to determine practical applications in my own life. I still want to learn more. But I'm definitely deeply grateful for the book these two authors put together. I would love to see this become more of a discussion in the church--not "how do we stop it" but "how do we interact with them."

[Mike Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whatever side of the same-sex marriage debate you are on, you should be clear about how you define marriage. We have to know what it is to hold any kind of position on what it isn’t.

Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet‘s new book, Same Sex Marriage: A Thoughtful Approach to God’s Design for Marriage is a excellent articulation of the definition of marriage, Biblically and otherwise, in light of the normalization and legalization of same-sex marriage. It outlines the challenges the Church now faces and offers a truly thoughtful response to this massive and unprecendented cultural shift. It’s an easy and insightful read with well-footnoted content laid out in a very sensible format.

WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

Helping nail down an objective marriage definition is in my opinion the book’s most immediately accessible feature, and what makes it a much-needed apologetic tool for engaging a culture that is evidently very confused about the topic. It may be surprising to see how similar the definition of marriage put forth in Scripture is to the one recognized by governments and societies all over the world for millennia. Consider first the Biblical definition and purposes for marriage.

What marriage is:
One man and one woman (Gen. 2:24, Matt. 19:5, Mark 10:6)
Permanent (Mal. 2:16; Matt. 19:6; Mark 10:9)
Exclusive (see above)

What marriage is for:
Companionship and help (Gen. 2:18, Prov. 5:18)
Procreation (Gen. 1:28, Psalm 128:3; Mal. 2:15)
A picture of Christ and the Church (Eph. 5:25-27; Rev. 19:7-9; 21:2,10)

What if we leave out the Bible? Over the long span of history, cultures around the world, religious or not, have most highly regarded the very same type of marriage. With the exception of the past few decades in a few countries in the West, the marital union of people of the same sex was virtually unheard of (and still is rare globally). Practically, the complementary relationship between men and women is pretty obvious to most. For thousands of years and in everywhere in the world before the year 2000, one-man/one-woman marriage was simply nature and the norm. Anything else was the exception.

Overall, societies have always regarded marriage unions as permanent. Divorce is ancient, but was never the ideal or the goal in any marriage. Many gay marriage advocates argue that the high divorce rate among heterosexual couples shows that the traditional match-up may not be so ideal after all. The problem with this argument is that divorce is and has always been an example of a failed attempt at marriage. In fact, divorce is not part of marriage; it’s the end of marriage. Divorced people are not married, so divorce can’t really be an argument against traditional marriage. If anything, it’s an argument for the fact that we get many things wrong.

Around the world throughout history, societies have considered the marriage union to be an exclusive relationship. Husbands and wives are not considered free to wander in and out of the commitment. Couples do unfortunately cheat on their spouses, and this is another example of marriage done incorrectly. Marital infidelity is a broken promise. Like divorce, it’s never the ideal and never in the plan at the outset of a marriage.

Natural marriage has always been in part about companionship and how one completes the other for the good of family and society. Love and romance are happy features in most marriages, but it is not a fundamental purpose. Proverbs says to “rejoice in the wife of your youth,” but the Bible doesn’t emphasize feelings of love as a condition to lifelong marriage. Likewise in the secular world, what couple applying for a marriage license is ever asked by the clerk, “How do you feel about each other? Are you sure you’re in love?”? As Sean and John note, “The government does not care how a couple feels (its not on the form), but rather how they fit into the larger social context.” (pages 25,158) To the state (here in the US and most other governments), feelings of love and romance take a back seat to other more lasting purposes of the union.

What are the purposes of marriage that the state is really interested in? The fact that most traditional marriages produce children, and the ideal (supported by study after study) that children are better off with both a mother and a father. The companionship of marriage plus children makes a family. Every society seeks good replacements, and so governments encourage and even incentivize marriage as a way to ensure children become good and productive adult members of society. Families are the basic building blocks of civilization. Granted, not every marriage produces children, but every human being on earth comes from a mother and a father (and generally fare better growing up with both).

Secular society will on the whole have little interest in the picture of Christ and the Church that marriage bears, but this picture is the result, not a precondition, for Biblical marriage. The criteria that the Bible sets up for marriage are pragmatic and mirrored almost intuitively by every culture for all time, up until very recently.

And just as you can’t get a pie with just sugar, any of these criteria alone do not make a marriage. The sexual union of a man and woman can be done without being married. All kinds of relationships are permanent (as are markers and glue). Boyfriends and girlfriends can be exclusive. Companionship can be had with any human and most animals. You can hire a “helper.” And we can make babies without, except for the opposite sex pairing, any of the above conditions being met. A marriage is a marriage when all of these are in view or at least categorically possible.

While the case for traditional marriage can be argued very well without using the Bible or religion, we will never really know WHY we have always recognized (not invented) one-man/one-woman marriage without starting at the foundation. Even Jesus, when fielding a question about divorce from the Pharisees (Matthew 19, Mark 10) went straight back to the design phase, quoting Genesis 2.

“Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” He replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’a and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Notice that the Lord answered a question about divorce (which is not actually marriage) with the fundamental origin and purpose of marriage. If we know what marriage is, we can always identify the many things it is not—divorce, cohabitation, gay marriage, polygamy, or whatever else might come down the pike.

For Christians, our appeal has no real authority without the Word of God as the foundation for marriage, but the fact that societies everywhere around the world have historically validated the same kind of marriage outlined in the Bible is affirmation of God’s design of a very good thing.

MORE ABOUT THE BOOK

That is more or less where my understanding of marriage has landed after a bit of refinement from reading Same-Sex Marriage: A Thoughtful Approach to God’s Design for Marriage. But back to the book: Get it and read it. In addition to clarifying what marriage is and why it matters, Part 1 of the book outlines the societal shift that has happened in recent decades and recounts the history of recent changes in views on marriage. Part 2, What We Can Do For Marriage goes into the Christian responsibility for marriage, learning from the “gay liberation” agenda, some serious introspection with a call to repentance, things churches can and should do, and answers to common questions.

Throughout the book are brief interviews with with other Christian authors and otherwise notable folks addressing key issues related to marriage. For example, on page 88-89, Eric Teetsel fields several questions on What Same-Sex Marriage Means for the Church’s Role in Culture. Very insightful.

It was very interesting just how influential one book could be to the gay movement. After the Ball: How America Will Conquer Its Fear and Hatred of Gays in the 90’s by Marshal Kirk and Hunter Madsen (1989) was a playbook for many in the movement (Chapter 8, pages 90-98), which outlined a 3-step process to change public opinion: Desensitize the public to the gay culture, portray anti-gay voices as bad guys “without reference to facts, logic or proof,” and convert the public through propaganda. It worked. Lessons to learn from this kind of movement are that sometimes a good story is better than a good argument. We have great stores to tell about life-long, natural marriages, and we should be telling them.

The emphasis that the authors put on the need for introspection and repentance by the Church was a surprise for a book written as a defense of marriage, but it’s warranted and appropriate. Christians corporately need to self-examine our motives and our approach, past and present, in how we treat our gay neighbors. Biblically, we are called to tell the truth about marriage and sexuality, but we are called to do it out of love and respect for gay people as fellow image-bearers of God. We need to humbly admit we’ve made mistakes before moving on. Here are a few questions from Sean and John (page 106):

• Have we told inappropriate jokes that slander or dehumanize gays and lesbians?
• Have we condemned another, using their homosexual sin to justify and coddle our own heterosexual sin?
• Have we physically or emotionally abused someone because they identify as gay?

That said, most of the arguments put forth in defense of same sex marriage are flat out fallacious, most notably Strawmen (replacing the actual argument with one that is easier to defeat) and Ad Hominem (attacking a person’s character instead of the argument). We need to be aware of this and respond with well-reasoned answers (but “do so with gentleness and respect.”–1 Peter 3:15). We need to be aware of manipulative buzzwords, like discrimination, and realize that “not all discrimination is wrong. It’s often appropriate and necessary.” (pg. 26) The authors walk us through some “What if” scenarios and close with appendixes providing answers to pertinent questions and common challenges, including “Isn’t opposing same-sex marriage the same as opposing interracial marriage?”, and “Don’t you believe in marriage equality?” and the complex question (a trick question that assumes something not necessarily true), “Why do you hate gay people?” (pages 155-160).

But Christians have had their share of fallacious arguments in this debate. On John Stonestreet’s Breakpoint program, he featured a letter from a Christian condemning something she called “the Argument from Ickiness.” This is summed up in the sentiment “Being gay is icky, and the people who are gay are the worse kind of sinner you can be. Period, done, amen, pass the casserole.” Aside of being ignorant and wrong, this argument relies on pure emotionalism and zero rationale. For the past 30 years many who spoke against homosexuality have generally not had a real argument against it, but a childish “Yuck” reaction. After the influence of media and pop culture had finally succeeded in normalizing homosexuality by portraying gays as ordinary people looking for love like the rest of us, it led a lot of people, gay and straight, including our vice-president, to conclude that “I think Will & Grace probably did more to educate the American public than almost anything anybody’s ever done so far.” The Argument from Ickiness was all many had against the movement, and it didn’t work anymore.

Sean and John’s book brings to light not only a right-headed, rational position against same-sex marriage, but a right-hearted, compassionate position for gay people—a clear answer for the need for both grace and truth that Christ calls us to. Marriage affects everyone eventually, and there is not a single Christian who will escape the question of what marriage is and the need to respond with a definitive position on same-sex marriage. This book is an incredible source for equipping Christians for what is here now and what lies ahead.

[Yari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have friends and family that have asked me questions in regards to same-sex marriage and homosexuality in light of scripture. I was beyond pleased to find that this book included all the questions asked with smart, well thought-out, biblically sound answers and tips on a proper approach. This is an excellent source for apologists as we prepare to make a defense to anyone who asks the reason for the hope that is in us according to 1 Peter 3:15-16. The authors wisely put first things first- Where do we start our defense? OURSELVES! The church must be a place where we show God's love to all who are broken (that's all of us!), demonstrating what a marriage is and if there is a fall, a place for healing. We the Church must teach that He is faithful and just to forgive.
However, this doesn't mean we move the goal posts. To lie is not love! We need to be faithful to God and His Word. Excellent book and teaching. Highly recommend.

[Kailey · Rating 2 out of 5]

Another book in which straight people currently enjoying their privilege to marry argue against gay people being allowed to enjoy the same privilege. At least they do look inward, understanding Christians aren't exactly innocent in this debate and suggesting how Christians can change their approach to LGBT people, hence my 2 stars instead of 1, but even so, if you don't want to read much of what are black and white arguments and panic over 'the gays' destroying traditional marriage, skip this book.

[T Lennard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet’s book, Same-Sex Marriage, published in 2014, is an excellent work on the origin, historical existence, modern day challenges, and importance of heterosexual or natural marriage. The authors also explore the emergence and growing acceptance of same-sex marriage and compare its attributes to natural marriage. Christians are challenged to be fully engaged in culture and confront change, including same-sex marriage, with humility, conviction, truth and hope.
Same-Sex Marriage has a total of 12 chapters and two concluding appendices. The first six chapters of the book discuss,“What Marriage Is and Why It Matters” and the final six chapters address, “What We Can Do For Marriage.” The concluding appendices offer advice and answers to the church on caring for same-sex attracted believers and same-sex marriage. Six of the chapters conclude with candid responses to difficult questions provided by guest theologians and leaders. At the conclusion of chapter 12, the authors provide insightful replies to common scenarios regarding same-sex marriage in their “Some What Ifs” section.
McDowell and Stonestreet discuss the speed at which same-sex marriage has become instituted, legalized, and accepted leading them to ask the question, “What just happened to our culture?” This question is posed in light of the static “fence of marriage” that has been positioned universally in prior civilizations. A recent history of legal rulings against traditional marriage is explored and the reader is challenged to “articulate the basic truths about marriage.” These truths are defined in unambiguous terms. “Marriage is an institution created by God for unique and particular purposes. These purposes are evident even if God’s existence is denied.” Furthermore, heterosexual marriage, as opposed to same-sex marriage, can be supported by both Scriptural and non-Scriptural sources as being unique, purposeful, and necessary. These conditions are exclusive to heterosexual marriage and thus, disqualify any claims of discrimination by same-sex adherents.
In chapters 3-5, the authors examine the definition of marriage based on the Scriptures or “What God Thinks” and how it could be altered in the absence of God. In chapter five, the “older” traditional definition of marriage is compared to the revisionist or same-sex view. Although the authors concede that Christ did not specifically address same-sex marriage, they do emphasize how He referred to God’s original intent for marriage in Matthew 19:4-6 by emphasizing the “one flesh” union between a male and female originally stated in Gen 2:24.
When God is left out of the institution of marriage, the authors describe three undeniable truths that remain. “Sex makes babies. Society needs babies. Babies deserve mothers and fathers.” Simply put, marriage unites two individuals into their own entity, identifies two people as sexual partners, and assumes permanence. This unique union allows for procreation and companionship. The authors give reasons that same-sex marriage advocates promote to justify a changing or revisionist view of marriage citing frequency of divorce, discrimination, available alternative reproductive technologies, bigotry among those who oppose, and just the question, “What’s the harm?” McDowell and Stonestreet methodically counter each of these reasons. In addition, the authors describe the growing acceptance of same-sex marrage as a “cosmological shift.” This shift occurred, in part, because the gay communities’ convictions are “who they are” rather than simply private and personal convictions. “Sexual identity is human identity. Religious identity is not.” The authors trace the movement of same-sex marriage historically whereby the traditional view of the human person is replaced with their sexual identity.
McDowell and Stonestreet acknowledge the cultural shift and changes in both traditional and same-sex marriage and offer many practical ways by which to deal with these changes. In chapters 7-12 they answer the dilemma, “What we can do for marriage.” The reader is challenged to understand that same-sex marriage brings opportunities for Christians to be salt and light in our cultural times. We should be faithfully engaged in our culture by understanding we are called to the world and not away from it, we are called to our current times, not other times, and cultural escape is not possible. Same-sex marriage is a fruit, not the root. It’s a cultural signpost that indicates just how far we’ve journeyed away from God’s intent for sex and marriage. “Christians should shift their mindset from preserving or conserving to proposing and building.” The authors give ideas on guiding our engagement in a gospel-centered way. The impact of Kirk and Madsen’s book, After the Ball: How America will Conquer its Fear and Hatred of Gays in the ‘90’s, in changing culture’s view of same-sex marriage was reviewed. Their three part plan to change culture by desensitizing the public, associate anti-gay bigotry with various emotions, and convert the public was described. Eight principles of persuasion were outlined and lessons learned from this method were noted. Overall the important question to ask is, “Shouldn’t Christians be even more willing to look in the mirror and honestly acknowledge our own failings about sex and marriage?”
The authors remind us of the importance of repentance if our goal is to build a strong marriage culture. We must recognize that Christians are part of the problem and must desire repentance if we can reconcile with our gay neighbors. Bridge building toward the gay community requires humility. We should speak with gentleness and compassion (1 Peter 3:15) We will have more compassion for gay people when we truly understand how much we have personally been forgiven. Repentance brings humility and humility fosters boldness
Despite the legality of same-sex marriage, neither its truthfulness or claim on our lives can be altered. Consider the effect of the pro-life movement after Roe v. Wade. Those wanting to build a strong marriage culture can learn from their response to legal changes. The authors encourage believers that they can make a difference in the same-sex marriage debate. The question is not “What are we going to do about gay marriage, but what are we going to do about marriage?” We need long term strategies to reclaim healthy natural marriages. The authors suggest five ways in which Christians have to offer the world in the area of natural marriage to better fulfill God’s plan. McDowell and Stonestreet conclude their book with guidance on how to have conversations on the topic of same-sex marriage. Their suggestions begin with searching the Scriptures and prayer and practical ways to winsomely conduct conversations.
Same-Sex Marriage is an essential book to anyone who values the importance of natural marriage or is seeking to understand the current state of same-sex marriage. The only criticism of this book is relative to the speed at which this subject matter is changing and the difficulty encountered when trying to stay current. For example, the term “homosexual” used in this book is now considered derogatory and offensive according to GLAAD and has been surplanted by the term “gay” or “lesbian.” Perhaps, a future expanded volume could also include an instructional response to the strategies that same-sex proponents are using to further promote same-sex marriage, such as that promoted by gay Christians within the boundaries of a mongamous, covenental relationship. However, Same-Sex Marriage’s core message remains universal - God made marriage exclusively for a man and woman. Overall the book is encouraging and uplifting. It explains a difficult subject with boldness and clarity and is deserving of a five star rating and is thus, highly recommended.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you personally think same-sex marriage is permissible? Well… According to the authors, they think it should be, IF marriage is nothing more than just a way we acknowledge our feelings of love and affection between people. And that is the crucial point that Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet talks about in this book.

In the first part, the authors defines what marriage is, and also find supports for it, both within the bible and also from historical and sociological records. What the authors brings across clearly is that marriage is not a social norm that is gradually formed, rather it is instituted all the way in creation and predates any civilisations or governments. And thus far, no civilisation has tried to do what the society is trying to do.

In the second part, the chapters centres about the “so what” aspects since we have a definition of what marriage is from the bible. First, there is a call for chrisitans to be willing to take a bold stand for the truth, there is also a clear call for christians not to mis-represent what is found in the bible, such as by telling others that it is ok for same-sex marriages to happen. The authors also calls the christian community to repent. This is a particular topic that has not been discussed by other books on this topic. It is true that chrisitans have had a hard time trying to show others marriage as defined by God, we’ve been a poor example and representation of it. This is one area that the churches have to work hard on in the future in order for us to show the world that marriages as defined by God, is right, true and beautiful.

Lastly, the book ends off with several suggestions on what to do in various situation, however this book is rather short and many may not find it to be sufficient. (Look out for the upcoming book, ‘Loving My (LGBT) Neighbour’ by Glenn Stanton, which will fill this gap very well). Included in the 2 appendixes are what the churches can and should do in order for churches to be better equipped to support our brothers and sisters who are struggling with homosexuality, and also how Christians can answer honestly to questions that are commonly raised by non-christians. The 2 appendixes are really helpful and in my opinion will prove to be helpful for all christians, and worth the price of the book!

This book is to be praised for their call to christians to take marriage seriously, and for christians not to give up in this fight. It is both a call for christians to take our stand, and also a call for us to recover the biblical definition of marriage. I hope that church leaders will take a serious look into this book and train your congregation to be better equipped to deal with the situation, and to take God’s definition of marriage seriously.

Rating: 4.5/5

[Panda Incognito · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is both excellently written and highly accessible, which is already a feat. More amazingly, it manages to deal with this explosive cultural topic in a calm, analytical, gracious manner without watering down the importance of God's design for marriage. Because most anything conservative Christians write on this topic is full of gloom and doom, I put off reading this book for a while, thinking life is hard enough without getting depressed over what a disaster culture is. This book was a delightful surprise: it took the consequences of wrong ideas seriously, but never veered into vitriol or despair.

This is the single best thing I have ever read about same-sex marriage. In addition to maintaining a correct and respectful tone, it provides clear, concise answers for a variety of topics, most importantly what the institution of marriage is supposed to mean according to the Bible. You cannot make an argument for or against same-sex marriage without first understanding what marriage is and isn't, and this book explained it more simply, correctly, and effectively than anything I previously have encountered. Another chapter also addresses analytical, "common sense" reasons for why marriage should be defined as a union between a man and a woman, so if someone does not accept the Bible as their starting point, this is not inherently off-putting and can help them to better think through their own beliefs. However, it sets forth a Scriptural view of marriage without concession or apology, detailing a holistic worldview of sexuality and not just throwing out the types of fallacy-ridden arguments which you'll see on Facebook.

There are many Christian resources which I would recommend to fellow believers but would cringe at the thought of someone "outside" reading. This is not one of those books. Even though many people would balk at its unflinchingly claims, the book is intelligent, logical, gracious, and well-articulated enough that there is nothing that would prevent me from sharing it with a proponent of same-sex marriage. It is not affronting or belittling, but deals with the big picture in a sensible way that honors God and never demonizes gays. This is an excellent resource which deals with broad worldview concepts, the ideological history of how things changed in our culture, and practical tips for how to engage our current culture. I am very thankful that I read this, and recommend the book with no reservation.

[Brianna Silva · Rating 3 out of 5]

I learned a lot from this, mainly on what marriage is (is general) and why it matters for society. It made me more of an advocate for marriage (in general), particularly when children are involved, because that stability is healthy for them as they are being raised.

However, I found a lot of holes in this book's reasoning when it comes to condemning same-sex marriage, specifically. It left me with more questions than answers.

If anything, this book almost accomplished the opposite of its goal for me: it convinced me that marriage is important, and for this reason we should encourage our culture to embrace it... both for opposite-sex AND same-sex couples. Why should we deny this powerful institution to loving, committed same-sex relationships? Why EXACTLY?

The authors' answers to that question left me unsatisfied and, frankly, unsettled. Something felt inherently wrong about their reasoning, though I knew I'd have to read many more books on the topic to know exactly what.

In short: if you're going to convince me that it's wrong or unhealthy to welcome gay or lesbian marriages into our culture, you're going to have to do a lot better than this book.

[Ted Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent look at what God meant when he joined the first man and woman in marriage. McDowell and Stonestreet lay out the biblical purpose of marriage which helps define marriage. While looking at our own culture they help the reader understand how we have gone from the traditional, biblical view of marriage to legalized same-sex marriage in such a relatively short time. They then seek to give practical ways that the church today can live out the biblical mandate and restore the cultural view of marriage. This is a must read for every Christian.

[Beth Peninger]

Thank you to NetGalley and Baker Books for this free copy. In exchange for a copy I am giving an honest review.

Originally I gave this title 5 stars. I am revising my stars to zero.

The reason I am doing so is that since reading this title, several things about my faith journey and expression have changed and I no longer subscribe to evangelical ideologies.

[Bob O'Bannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

For me, this has now moved to the top of the list of recommended books on this issue. The book gives many practical suggestions for how to show kindness and compassion to LGBT people, while at the same time has the fortitude to call homosexual activity a "grave error."

[Richard Yi · Rating 5 out of 5]

With a title like Same-sex Marriage, this book is not going to meander around this polarizing and controversial topic of same-sex marriage. The authors take huge risks in making a case for the sanctity of marriage as defined between a man and a woman and the reasons for why it’s important that a disciple of Jesus confidently stand against the popular movement to legalize and equate same-sex union with traditional marriage.

The authors are not blind to the reality that in today’s culture, the Christian stance against legalizing same-sex marriage is very unpopular. In fact, it’s often depicted as exclusive and discriminatory towards two consenting same-sex adults who want to have the same rights as other heterosexual couples who enter into a life-long commitment to one another. Same-sex marriage proponents argue that marriage shouldn’t be exclusive to a male and female couple. To go against this view is a very unpopular stance but one that is worth fighting for. The early part of the book begins with defining what is marriage and why it matters. I appreciated how marriage was defined early on and it laid the groundwork for the rest of their argument against same-sex marriage. The authors argue that, “marriage is an institution created by God for unique and particular purposes.” The “unique and particular purposes,” would later be described in the creation narrative of Genesis. God is seen at the beginning of creation to be doing two things, forming and filling. He creates boundaries and fills them with life. And with man, he charges the same task by instructing him to, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28). And in order to do this, he provided a companion in the form of a woman. And together, they would fulfill God’s purpose for them through procreation. So, the purpose of marriage is not only for companionship, but also for procreation. According to this definition, same-sex marriage would not be able to fulfill the purpose for which marriage was created.

One of the observations made about contemporary redefining of marriage is that it separates child rearing from the relationship between the adults. The authors argue that by redefining traditional marriage to our contemporary definition in order to incorporate same-sex marriage, we are also opening it up to including other kinds or committed relationships. It would be hard to exclude polygamous and polyamorous couples, incestuous couples, and deeply committed friends. The definition of marriage will lose any meaningful distinction if it includes all committed relationships. This push by same-sex marriage proponents to be considered normal rather than aberrant is predicated by a “cosmological” cultural shift enumerated in the book through the examples of the “Collins-Broussard incident.” What was demonstrated by the response by the LGBT community and a majority of the public is that sexual identity has become equivalent to our human identity. The authors argue that traditionally, the western civilization of what constitutes being human was primarily religious ideals and the metaphysical search for the meaning and purpose of life. In our modern society, a person who “comes out” about his sexual identity is considered being true to himself, whereas religious convictions are to be privatized and repressed from being shared with others.

The book explains how sex and sexual identity became the central issue of our day through people being convinced that repressive sexual ethics was the source of so much of our problems. And since the sexual revolution, we’ve been on this slippery slope. Which comes to the issue of what are Christians to do when faced with this overwhelming public opinion that opposition to same-sex marriage is perceived as bigotry and discrimination against the LGBT community. It’s their response to this question that I feel is worth highlighting for all Christians. Instead of hiding behind external politics, Christians and the church have to look at themselves and recognize that the breakdown of the biblical view of marriage is as prevalent in our churches as it is in the world. In other words, being a disciple of Christ has not made a significant impact on our relationships with our spouse and children. So rather than just being critical of the breakdown of the institution of marriage that the same-sex marriage movement represents, Christians must take a look at themselves and be more accountable for their beliefs.

I believe the book could have taken this point a little further by highlighting how and why the modern western church has failed in upholding the institution of marriage. There is marriage counseling and courses, but this is merely treating the surface issue. It seems that despite all of these support structures, there is still a fundamental problem that needs to be addressed. And one possibility might be related to the idea of the modern nuclear family and prioritizing privacy over communal living. I think a closer look at the life of the church would have been helpful in supporting the argument that even while Christians engage in public discourse of same-sex marriage, it would do well to examine itself.

[Stephen Sun · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book Same-Sex Marriage: A Thoughtful Approach to God’s Design for Marriage explores a response to our culture’s current views on same-sex marriage and how to navigate maintaining a Christian view on traditional marriage when it’s increasingly unpopular to do so. McDowell and Stonestreet divide their book into two parts, the first defining what the purpose of marriage is and how same-sex marriage grew as a movement, and then the second diving into how the church should respond.
Part one mainly features a deeper look at defining what marriage actually is, both biblically and extra-biblically, and then looking at competing definitions of marriage. They first bring in the Bible and explain how marriage’s main purpose as God intended is for populating and cultivating His creation. Companionship, they say, is a purpose of marriage, but is not the only purpose of marriage. This becomes an important foundation to draw some clear lines differentiating traditional views of marriage from the same-sex view. Then they lay out an interesting case on the extra-biblical purpose for marriage, based on a quote from Maggie Gallagher. Her “three facts” that make marriage necessary are that “Sex makes babies. Society needs babies. Babies deserve mothers and fathers.” They argue that the statistical observations which back up these facts show that the Bible’s definition of marriage actually corresponds with the world around us.
While I thought it makes a good logical case for the importance of the marriage union, I thought that a flaw could perhaps be that it ultimately isn’t all that inspiring. It’s hard to inspire someone to attain to the traditional view of marriage through largely saying that through marriage someone is more accountable to and contributes to the good of the community. I feel that in today’s individualistic culture, people have such a weak sense of community that they don’t feel the need to “better” their neighborhood or town by committing to someone in marriage. I think that the strongest and most compelling fact is that “babies deserve mothers and fathers.” Statistically, children who come from single-parent homes struggle a lot more and I think that is something that could appeal more to readers as a case for the strength and positive aspect of marriage.
The following chapters seeks to address the contrast between the “old” and “new” views of marriage, and how this has led to the movement towards approving of same-sex marriage. In this chapter they make the important distinction that “relational oneness is replaced by relational intensity” (43). This redefinition of what marriage is has laid the groundwork for same-sex marriage to gain ground. Without a clear purpose for marriage, and it being defined instead as a strength of attraction, it doesn’t make sense to exclude same-sex marriage. The authors attempt to trace the development of same-sex marriage as a movement and idea. One of the main reasons for/results of this change is that sexual identity has become tied to human identity. Now, “people are seen as fundamentally sexual creatures, not metaphysical ones.” This has laid the groundwork for same-sex marriage to grow.
In part two, the authors turn to address the church directly on what we can do in response to this. They lay out the varying responses that the church has historically had – on the spectrum from focusing on “people-loving” and abstaining from being involved, to being far more cynical, and thinking there will be “judgment” for those who support same-sex marriage. Both result in Christians giving up on culture. The authors argue that we should do the opposite, and engage the opportunities to be “salt and light” in our times, that Christians should actively fight to preserve marriage. I appreciated their wisdom that seeking some kind of political victory, may not be the best way to go – “there is no silver bullet” and “political power is a fickle friend.” They seem to advocate a more grassroots approach, and they certainly advocate that the first place we begin to seek change is in the church itself. They rightly identify the difficulty the church has had with engaging with the LGBTQ+ community and proponents of same-sex marriage. Rather than seeking to combat these people, they encourage Christians to reach out and love these people, to welcome them into the church, and avoid the condemning tone that has been part of the church for so long.
This book certainly lives up to its title as a thoughtful approach to marriage and the issue with same-sex marriage. It is definitely written for the Christian audience and I think someone reading this cannot expect to simply take these points and use them to engage with those who are same-sex attracted or proponents of same-sex marriage. Ultimately the call to love, not fight those on the other side of the aisle is one of the most important takeaways. While we disagree, we certainly are called to love them as God’s children, and as fellow sinners given grace.

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on how the church should respond to same-sex marriage!

How should the church respond to same-sex marriage? Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet answer this question in a manner that is both thoughtful and relevant. If you are interested in the subject matter, this is a valuable resource to add to your library.

In part one of the book, McDowell and Stonestreet address what marriage is and why it matters (McDowell and Stonestreet 2014, 15). They begin the book by highlighting just how sharply the culture has shifted over the past few decades in terms of its stance on homosexual behavior, sexual identity, and same-sex marriage (17-23). Highlighting the importance of understanding what marriage is, they turn to the Bible to see where followers of Jesus should stand on same-sex marriage (24-42). Although McDowell and Stonestreet think that marriage should be restricted to heterosexual relationships, they state that this does not mean they think loving, committed homosexual relationships should have no legal protections when it comes to property, inheritance, and care of partners (27). It seems like McDowell and Stonestreet oppose same-sex marriage while supporting same-sex unions. I do not think Christians should support same-sex unions. McDowell and Stonestreet proceed to argue that there are three essential characteristics of marriage: marriage is two human beings becoming one in every way possible, marriage is oriented toward procreation, and marriage comes with an expectation of permanence (40-41). Addressing the notion that objection to same-sex marriage is rooted in religious worldviews, McDowell and Stonestreet make a case for the Biblical view of marriage based on three points: sex makes babies, society needs babies, and babies deserve mothers and fathers (44-45). I do not think many would find this to be a compelling case for the Biblical view of marriage because it assumes that all sexual relationships are capable of procreation and that all marriages involve parenting. I love how McDowell and Stonestreet, after contrasting the old view of marriage and the new view of marriage, address how same-sex marriage got here (55-73). They do a wonderful job discussing how the sexual view of human persons that conquered Western culture is the story of ideas and their consequences, history, contexts, and champions (66-73).

In part two of the book, McDowell and Stonestreet address what we can do for marriage (77). They begin this part of the book by emphasizing that Christians are called to the world and our culture (79-85). Reminding the reader that there have been Christians in the past who have faced a difficult culture and that our culture is influenced as much from the middle as it is from the top-down, McDowell and Stonestreet note that Christians should ask themselves three questions (87). First, the question of what is good around me that I can promote, preserve, and protect (87). Second, the question of what is evil around me that I can stop (87). Third, the question of what is broken around me that I can help restore, renew, or reconcile (87). McDowell and Stonestreet proceed to examine the history of the gay movement, which has been incredibly effective in shifting cultural opinion and initiating change (90-94). As lessons from the gay movement, they note that passionate conviction is not enough, that having a message is not enough, and that a good argument is no match for a compelling story (94-96). McDowell and Stonestreet point out that we cannot just reverse and repeat the plan from After the Ball for three reasons: passionate conviction is no excuse for dishonesty, disagreeing is no excuse for demonizing, and telling stories does not change our responsibility to present good arguments (96-98). They then proceed to note that just as the gay movement looked in the mirror and called for change, the church needs to look in the mirror and call for repentance (99-112). In terms of lessons that can be drawn from the strides that the pro-life movement has made, McDowell and Stonestreet note that cultural activism is always more effective when accompanied by personal care, that there are always ways to get the full story out even when it is being suppressed, and that sound bites and clichés are no substitute for a clear, well-reasoned case (113-115). Although I will not list them out, McDowell and Stonestreet then highlight six ideas in terms of what Christians can do and five things that Christians have to offer the world (115-134). McDowell and Stonestreet also provide general guidance as well as guidance on questions that Christians will probably have to deal with (137-151). I think McDowell and Stonestreet could have done a better job with their guidance on some of the questions. For example, I do not agree with how they treat a Christian’s attendance at a same-sex ceremony or reception as a matter of conscience (142). McDowell and Stonestreet conclude the book by noting how instead of running from culture, Christians need to determine how they will respond, and I wholeheartedly agree (151).

[George P. · Rating 5 out of 5]

 Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet, Same-Sex Marriage: A Thoughtful Approach to God’s Design for Marriage (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2014). Paperback / Kindle

On September 21, 1996, President Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) into law, which Congress had passed with overwhelming bipartisan majorities (85–14 in the Senate, 342–67 in the House). Section 3 of that law provided a legal definition of the words marriage and spouse for federal laws and regulations: “the word ‘marriage’ means only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word ‘spouse’ refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.” On June 26, 2013, the Supreme Court ruled Section 3 unconstitutional by a 5–4 vote. And although DOMA was enacted with significant Democratic congressional support and signed into law by a Democratic president, the current Democratic party platform explicitly endorses “marriage equality.”

The enactment and demise of Section 3 of DOMA illustrate the tectonic shift in U.S. public opinion regarding same-sex marriage particularly and homosexuality generally. Over the past two decades, public opinion has become increasingly favorable to both. The Pew Research Center has tracked public opinion on these matters since 2001. Its polling data show a reversal of fortunes for the anti- and pro-same-sex marriage positions. In 2001, the public opposed same-sex marriage, 57–35 percent. Now it favors same-sex marriage 52–40 percent. Furthermore, the trend line of opinion regarding same-sex marriage is increasingly favorable in every demographic category: generation, religious affiliation, political party, political ideology, race, and gender.

This tectonic shift in U.S. public opinion and law is dispiriting to those of us Christians who affirm the biblical and traditional understanding of marriage as the lifelong union of one man and one woman. Given the way this understanding has shaped marriage law in America, the rapid shift of opinion represents more than political or legal defeat. It represents a cultural defeat as well.

“In light of this reality,” Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet write in their new book, “Christians should shift their mindset from preserving or conserving to proposing and building. Christians should no longer wish for a massive judicial or political victory to save marriage. When an institution has been culturally compromised the way marriage has been, it cannot be saved. It has to be redefined and reestablished” (pp. 86–87, emphasis in original).

McDowell and Stonestreet divide their book into two parts. Part 1, “What Marriage Is and Why It Matters,” offers biblical and prudential arguments for understanding marriage as the lifelong union of a man and a woman. Their biblical case focuses on the Genesis creation accounts (Genesis 1–2), which Jesus affirmed as normative for believers in Matthew 19. They identify three “essential characteristics” of marriage: (1) union, (2) procreation, and (3) permanence. Interestingly, they don’t discuss the biblical passages that proscribe homosexual behavior. This is the right move, in my opinion, because marriage can be positively defined without reference to proscribed sexual behaviors.

McDowell and Stonestreet’s prudential case builds on an argument made by Maggie Gallagher: “Sex makes babies. Society needs babies. Babies deserve mothers and fathers” (p. 44). As they explain it, “societies have a vested interest in the process that most often produces children. That’s why every society cares about sex. Societies also have a vested interest in supporting an environment that best rears children. That’s why every society cares about marriage” (p. 45).

If the traditional view of marriage acknowledges the essential connection between sex, procreation, and marriage, the revisionist view of marriage denies it. As same-sex marriage proponent E. J. Graff puts it, “Allowing two people of the same-sex to marry shifts the institution’s message… If same-sex marriage becomes legal, that venerable institution will ever stand for sexual choice, for cutting the link between sex and diapers.” Similarly, Andrew Sullivan writes, “From being a means to bring up children, [marriage] has become primarily a way in which two adults affirm their emotional commitment to one another” (p. 60).

Stated this way, readers should be able to see that the revisionist view predates advocacy of same-sex marriage by many decades. Long before gay activists began to champion same-sex marriage, advocates of the so-called “sexual revolution” were advocating changes to opposite-sex marriage, emphasizing sexual choice and emotional commitment, while simultaneously untying the knot of marriage, sex, and procreation. The results of that emphasis are all around us: sex outside of marriage, widespread use of contraceptives and abortifacients, the prevalence of nonmarital childbirth, no-fault divorce, etc. Same-sex marriage is the fruit of the sexual revolution, then, but not the root of it.

Part 2, “What We Can Do for Marriage,” offers practical suggestions for how the Christian church can go about rebuilding a culture of marriage in America. To me, the most interesting suggestion is the authors’ call to repentance in chapter 9. “If, in response, we spend the next 20 years point out discrimination and lost religious freedoms to the world without addressing concerns in our own community, we will become our own worst enemies. It’s time to take a long, hard look inward, admit our shortcomings and ask forgiveness from God, from each other and, where appropriate, from the gay community. There is no path forward to building a strong marriage culture that does not begin with a revival of God’s people to His design for marriage” (p. 100, emphasis in original).

That revival means we must address the practices of nonmarital sex, cohabitation, and nonmarital childbirth within the Christian community, not to mention of divorce. It also means that we need to address unbiblical attitudes and actions toward homosexual people. What might those be? McDowell and Stonestreet provide a list of questions:

Have we told inappropriate jokes that dehumanize gays and lesbians?
Have we treated some persons differently because of what we knew or suspected about their sexual orientation?
Have we listened as someone entrusted us with his or her deep struggles and sexual identity or behaviors, only to break off the relationship in disgust and fear?
Have we slandered others, whether or not they’ve slandered us first?
Have we spread gossip?
Have we condemned another, using their homosexual sin to justify and coddle our own heterosexual sin?
Have we re-tweeted or re-posted harsh and uncharitable words about the gay community on Facebook?
Have we physically or emotionally abused someone because they identify as gay? (p. 106)

McDowell and Stonestreet offer many other suggestions for building a culture of marriage in the United States, but their emphasis on repentance is both welcome and the best place to start. Didn’t Jesus himself say, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3–5)?

Same-Sex Marriage is a short book, written to persuade the average Christian and thus ideal for use in Sunday school classes, small groups, and book clubs. Its tone is consistently gracious. It touches on the main points of the argument about the nature of marriage without getting bogged down in details. A short list of books for further reading would’ve been helpful, though readers who want to study the topic at greater length can mine the endnotes for that information.

P.S. If you found my review helpful, please vote yes on my Amazon.com review page.

[Joe Hwang · Rating 5 out of 5]

The part of the book that I was surprised by, but most thankful for, was the chapter on repentance. For all the ideas, advocacy, etc, that we can do about any of these issues, the first thing we should do (and the thing we should continually do) is repent. Like the quote in this chapter, of G.K. Chesterton responding to the prompt: “What’s Wrong with the World?” “I am.” That’s such a powerful humility that is going to be so much more powerful than whatever three part argument we can give. Now, of course, we need that intellectual foundation (which the book supplies plenty of), but we need to always start here: repentance. It will also go a long way practically, as so much of the rising tension and vitriol happens because both sides sling mud at one another. The truth is, Christians proclaim to be sinners redeemed only by Christ and not through our own merits; this chapter calls us to live that way. It was such a refreshing devotional aspect in this book that I did not expect.

Moving now into the content of the book, the section on the three undeniable facts of reality about marriage were helpful for me. Quoting Maggie Gallagher, “Sex makes babies. Society needs babies. Babies deserve mothers and fathers.” The first two points are obvious, and yet needs to be said. The third point requires some courage. It is very un-pc nowadays to say something like that. It doesn’t fit the narrative of “marriage equality”. And yet, the authors are able to cite convincing studies that demonstrate that children fare better when cared for by their biological mothers and fathers. It’s similar to saying that boys and girls are different. The vast majority of people believe this because it is obviously and demonstrably true (in general, and not necessarily for every single case). But people are afraid to actually say that for fear of being called bigoted. Well, if men and women are generally different, they will also parent differently. And indeed, people who have observed parents can generally tell that mothers and fathers parent differently and often round out the raising of the child so that the child learns different things from different parents.

I like the author’s articulation of “new” views of marriage. The marriage is based on something other that procreation, parenting and commitment. In one view, marriage is based on relational intensity and deep feelings. In another chapter, the authors articulate a new psychological approach to married life where one’s primary obligation is not to family but one’s self. So marital success is not about meeting obligations to spouse and children, but by subjective feelings of happiness. The reason I like this articulation is because it gets to the core of the difference in how people view marriage. Often, this view of marriage is not quite stated, it’s just alluded to, or set in movies or in personal manifestos that sound powerful. It turns out, once articulated, it comes down to this: for me or for family?

I really like the authors’ direction in a call to action. To “shift from preserving or conserving to proposing and building.” Unfortunately, Christians are more known for being against things than they are for being FOR things. In the fight against any social issue, it always seems to be that Christians are simply saying “no.” The reference to abortion is a salient one; the fight against abortion is much more effective when the Christian community is for loving the mothers rather than simply against certain things. Christians can uniquely fill this mold (as they have done throughout history) because we can give and give while not expecting anything back in return.

If there’s one suggestion that I have for the book, it’s to be more choosy with the interviews that end each chapter. Some are good, and provide an interesting perspective. Others are not very helpful.

[Tyler · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I do think this book is easier understood by those with an evangelical Christian mindset, Same-Sex Marriage gets straight to the point of the topic. While it is a very sensitive one, I believe that Mcdowell and Stonestreet do a great job addressing same-sex marriage with clarity and compassion. Again, however, note that while of course this book can be read by anyone, the author's intended primary audience is Christians, which I believe is even explicitly stated early in the book. So if reading as a non-Christian, just as a male has to try and see different perspectives to better understand a book written as a female, I would encourage you to try and see the different perspectives of the Christian authors who wrote it.

I will start with some of the Pros of the book followed by the cons.
Pros:
1. Promotes love and truth equally in explaining that the church needs to do a much better job of loving the LGBTQ community and not treating them like outcasts or their sins as greater than mine or yours, or anyone else's sins. At the same time, however, the book does not subscribe to the current cultural narrative that love equals acceptance. This to me is a good thing, as the love=acceptance argument does not make logical sense, given that if parents always said yes to every single thing their children wanted to do, the human race would likely be extinct as few children would even survive long enough to adulthood. People who love someone and genuinely want what's best for someone do not have to always accept their behavior or especially promote it. My greater point here is McDowell and Stonestreet rightfully do not circumvent or completely skew what the Bible says about marriage and "do a full pendulum swing" to say the Bible promotes full acceptance of gay marriage as I believe many modern Christians have errantly done.
2. Clear, not over-explained or droned out arguments
3. Relatively short and well organized with chapters arranged chronologically in a way that will make sense to most readers.
4. Fairly accessible reading level for young adults.

Cons:
My only cons relate to this: even since this book was published 7 years ago, the culture has shifted dramatically.
1. First is the fact that Same-Sex marriage was officially made legal in the U.S. a year after the book was published. While of course, I recognize there is immense effort required to write a book, I feel that the legalization of SSM in and of itself calls for an updated version of the book or at least a 10 or so page addendum to the previous version.
2. For the same reason, I feel that some of the arguments (like using the idea of natural law - the reproductive organs of males and females) I would say aren't as effective today since the culture has changed so quickly. While I personally agree with the natural law idea, with arbitrary ideas being introduced to sexuality even in the last 7 years, sometimes I feel that new arguments need to be brought forth as the culture unfortunately now rejects various logical arguments as it continues to shift. Ideas like biological sex can be changed, marriage being solidified as more about soul-mates than for child-bearing (which is mentioned in the book), are admittedly somewhat hard to refute in the context of should we or should we not allow homosexual marriage. As a Christian, most of the arguments in the book are convincing to me, but I worry the larger culture will fail to see the relevance of some of the arguments in this book if used today.

Overall I give the book a 7.5/10 mainly for the reason that I feel it could be updated to be more culturally relevant to 2021 while maintaining biblical accuracy.

[Anson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overall, the Same-Sex marriage book by Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet was a great book for the lay Christian to further understand the history, context, and how to engage culture around same-sex marriage. I thought it was very insightful and took on many hard questions that we all struggle with as it relates to this subject. The exploration around how our culture got to where we are today on this topic is fascinating. Defining marriage is another topic that I do believe often gets blown over and even one that I have not done a lot of deep thinking on and yet this book does a good job of explaining it. Further, understanding what God thinks about marriage is also critical in conversation and the book addresses it well. I do appreciate the thoughtful writing on this subject while challenging the Christian community for a strong stance on traditional marriage which was certainly helpful to me. I think the book takes a good inward look at issues of the church which contributed to the movement and how we as the larger body of the church have great opportunity to get our house in order to assist with the issue at hand. Finally, the book ends with a good practical section about how to make a kingdom impact in this space on a personal basis.
One of the fascinating pieces about the book was the in-depth analysis that it goes into the significant culture shift that we just underwent around this subject that I wasn’t aware of till reading this book. How did we get to where we are today? I believe chapter six “The Cosmological Shift: How Same Sex Marriage Got Here” and chapter eight “Learning from the Past” are both very worthwhile chapters to review when understanding the very strategic and deliberate plan this campaign undertook to achieve the results it now has in society and much to learn from for the Christian worldview. The “After the Ball: The Gay Movement” section in chapter eight was a particularly good explanation as to how the movement shifted its strategy to a more moderate movement rather than the more aggressive that they had from before which was about to end the movement. The explanation of how this came to be is very intriguing because the movement was at an inflexion point where it looked like it had failed, however, it was just getting started. The detail that was needed to change an entire country’s perceptions about the movement was astounding and carefully put together, the book does a good job of explaining that in depth as well. The accompanying section in the same chapter “Lessons to be Learned” was great as to understand what is needed to engage culture for a significant change in ideology about a particular subject. Another interesting point is that the “Gay Movement” did call for introspective change if from its community if they wanted to be taken seriously by general society and I think it’s sage advice for the Christian community as well as the book also states to become further engaged with culture to ultimately have winsome conversations and open up the door for the Gospel to be heard. In conclusion, a great read with thoughtful insight that will increase your knowledge in this very important topic in culture today.

[Tee Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Culture and politics quickly embraced marriage equality for same-sex couples while many Christians stood perplexed and taken aback by the development. Authors Sean McDowell and John Stonestreet bring perspective to this rapid and monumental shift, from the standpoint of both history and Christian ethics utilizing well-constructed arguments, presenting critical interviews, and providing compelling answers to thought-provoking questions while grounding the conversation in God’s love for all people.

Additionally, they make sense of the confusion surrounding same-sex marriage, even touching on homosexuality. Why is traditional marriage believed to be the only way? How does same-sex marriage affect your marriage? Why would God not want a person with the one they love regardless of gender? Who does gay marriage hurt, if anyone? But most importantly and fundamentally, what is marriage anyway? With solid research and respected experience, the authors substantively, logically, and graciously treat these questions and more.

Most noticeable is their intent. While many on both sides approach this issue to win the argument, McDowell and Stonestreet set their sights on winning souls. In defending God’s design for marriage, they take care to defend the dignity and humanity of all communities while calling for repentance on the part of the Church for its “mistreatment of sexually broken individuals” (99-112). They powerfully expose the root of the controversy yet sensitively direct the Church into a proper response, including accepting struggle, leaving space for hope, practicing compassion, and realizing its own sexual brokenness.

As Christian families continue grappling with how to navigate and answer the culture on this issue, as well as retain their family values for generations to come, the book offers a blueprint for where believers go from here while also examining the same-sex marriage movement and encouraging Christians to learn from the past. How did the movement succeed, and so quickly? What can believers learn to do better? How do Christians change the trajectory, shifting culture back to biblical marriage?

Although I believe this book to currently be a thorough examination of the issue, I suggest the authors prepare for a revised and expanded edition regarding their section titled “What is Marriage? Part Two: Leaving God Out of It,” as male-womb transplants are on the horizon. Such a medical breakthrough would challenge the book’s statement that same-sex couples cannot procreate” (61). But, as that procedure has not yet been relevantly realized, the authors have crafted an impressive and comprehensive definition of marriage as well as a compelling case for marriage between one man and one woman. So, pull up a chair next to McDowell and Stonestreet, as they invite you to a conversation about God’s design for marriage in their thought-provoking book Same-Sex Marriage.

[Sanely Rohena · Rating 4 out of 5]

Authors Sean Mc Dowell and John Stonestreet published this book in 2014, understanding the utter importance of discussing the truth on marriage to the world. I strongly believe that whomever choses to criticize their view must read their intent for writing about this hot topic and the way they so gracefully convey it, first and foremost. Not many pages ahead, they specifically point this out:
We are not supposed to like others; we are supposed to love others as we love ourselves. We should not just tolerate other people; God commands us to care for them and to actively promote their good […] We cannot pretend it is not happening, nor can we just dismiss its significance and hope to move on. We need to think through what these huge changes will mean. We need to know how to carefully think through the issue of same-sex marriage, how to talk about it with others, and how to live in a culture that considers it normal. (p. 5)
Is the church prepared for what is now required of us? Hiding is irresponsible and yelling the truth offensively in a social media post is illogical. However, McDowell and Stonestreet exposed incredibly well that Christians do not need to be concerned with winning, but rather present our hope that is in Jesus Christ. Amid the disregard for the father, mother, and child model in our society, the heated debates about same-sex marriage, the portrayal of the culture through media, the arguments between Christians about the best approach, … amid all of that, the authors encourage readers to have reasonable faith, to learn the basic truths about marriage responsibly. These include what the reasons for legal marriage are, what makes marriage beneficial and different from other relationships, when discrimination is necessary, why it is better than cohabitation, why redefining the concept of marriage would not be possible, and many more. Finally, there were shocking real-life examples of how Western society has changed by imposing their ideologies of “I was born this way, and this is who I am” on anyone they can, leaving no room for religious freedom. One of my favorite quotes was “Sometimes what is best for us includes challenges—even consistent sin temptations—because He designed us to be refined and strengthened by persevering during challenging times” (McDowell & Stonestreet, 2014).
After the discussion of the main topics, the book gets a bit repetitive in between the chapters, but the interviews with other experts created variation. Overall, the style of writing is very chronological, unlike Chasing Love by Sean McDowell, where you could discuss any chapter without necessarily reading the ones that came before it. There were also many historical events that readers from other countries might have not understood the seriousness of the matter. Nonetheless, there were some direct questions that challenge Christians to take their cross and truly follow Jesus and his commands which was very inspiring.

[Cathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Most of this book is like a historical chronology of the same-sex marriage debate, and so much of it is dated, particularly since Obergefell vs. Hodges in 2015, just a year after this book's publication date.

However, I thought the sections on motivations and the discussions of hate were good. I thought some of the situations to consider were also informative, as to how to respond in various scenarios, although I agree that prayer and searching scriptures should be paramount in that.

Some of the ideas to consider in discussion were dated, too, as some same-sex marriage proponents also consider polyamory also to be valid.

Another reviewer pointed out that the book doesn't really discuss much why the authors consider homosexuality to be wrong, but is more of a discussion on the purposes and effects of marriage and same-sex marriage on society. If one is curious about the reasons that traditional Christianity considers homosexuality wrong, I'd suggest Kevin DeYoung's "What Does the Bible Really Teach about Homosexuality?"

Quotes:

“No one wants to be a bigot. Well, maybe some people relish accusations of intolerance and hate, but not most of us. We just want to be liked, and we try to treat people fairly. We want to be good citizens and good neighbors. For those who follow Christ, the standard is even higher. We are not only supposed to like others; we are supposed to love others as we love ourselves. We shouldn’t just tolerate other people; God commands us to care for them and to actively promote their good … We understand this perspective. Each of us has already faced both the personal and public scorn for things we have said and written on the topic of homosexuality… Our respective ministries are dedicated, in different ways, to promoting the public proclamation of the gospel. The vast majority of our time is spent teaching that Christianity is intellectually defensible and compelling in light of the evidence, arguments and alternatives… We are for the hope that Christ offers the world. So why write this book at all? Why risk being marginalized? Why risk the overwhelming tide of culture to speak out on this one issue? The simple answer is, it matters.”

“It’s tempting to downplay Biblical morality to make Christianity more palatable. But loving others requires that we tell the truth…”

“I fear the disapproval of God more than I fear your disapproval or the disapproval of society.” - Pastor Rick Warren in an interview on “Piers Morgan Live.”

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

In this book, the authors seek to discuss the nature of marriage. They believe this is the fundamental question underlying the question “Is same-sex marriage Biblical?” By giving scriptural reasons, as well as scientific and cultural reasons, they conclude that same-sex marriage should not be considered truly “marriage” and that Christians should lovingly and thoughtfully engage with same-sex individuals in a way that fosters true relationship but does not allow for same-sex sexual activity to take place. The authors finish the book by giving practical examples of how to interact with same-sex individuals and admonishing the church to really step up and model the beauty of marriage as it was intended: in a heterosexual context.

The strengths of this book are definitely found in the approach presented of engaging with the homosexual community. The authors call for kindness and extraordinary grace that much of the evangelical community would do well to listen to and model.

But to me, there are also some major weaknesses in this book.

One place these weaknesses show up is when the authors try to prove why same-sex marriage is a bad idea outside of what the Bible says about marriage. These arguments simply will not be convincing to anyone who is not already of an evangelical mindset. So, while I am rating this book based on the audience most likely to read it, I think it will not make a good impression outside of the evangelical Christian community. In fact, if evangelicals adopt some of the points the authors take in conversation with same-sex friends, they could turn people off to Christianity entirely.

Under the heading “Three Undeniable Facts of Reality” on page 44, the authors borrow Maggie Gallagher’s words that “Sex make babies. Society needs babies. Babies deserve mothers and fathers.” They follow this statement by later asserting, “These three facts are obviously and universally true of every time period and every human culture. Not only are they obviously and universally true, but they are also simultaneously true.” This is given as an example against same-sex marriage.

First of all, arguing that procreation is a valid reason for heterosexual marriage to be considered the only possible model for true marriage reduces marriage to primarily facilitating a biological function. Children are a natural result of most marriages yes, but a homosexual couple can indeed raise a child in a conducive environment as well. Medical advancements have made it so the couple can bring a child into the world who would otherwise have not existed. Whether or not that is wrong is not even addressed in this book. Same-sex couples can indeed create just as helpful of an environment for a child as a heterosexual couple, and many indeed do want to raise children, so their union does not diminish that biological function. In the same breath that McDowell brings up statistics against the success of homosexual parenting, he should be bringing up the failure of Christian heterosexual marriages. (He does do that at a separate point, but it is needed here). My point is, judging same-sex marriage as wrong and as not a valid “marriage” is not to be based on the three points that “Sex makes babies. Society needs babies. Babies deserve mothers and fathers.” This may be historically the norm, yes, but it does not speak to the exceptions. This argument is a false dichotomy.

Another concern that I have is when same-sex attraction is called “unnatural” in this book, because in reality, it is simply uncommon among humans, and the fact that heterosexual orientation is most common is irrelevant to whether or not same-sex relationships should be considered valid as marriage. This terminology could be incredibly offensive to a same-sex reader.

When it comes to the point the authors make that children need both a mother and father to thrive, they say that research has helped prove this kind of setup is truly best. This argument is weak because there are so few homosexual couples raising children in an accepting culture right now compared to heterosexual couples that we have yet to see through research how it truly effects children in more tolerant conditions. Many of the detriments of being raised by same-sex parents could be attributed to the backlash of society and, in particular, the criticism evangelical Christians place on homosexual unions. This is not to say gay marriage is right or wrong by this point alone, but that the authors should not use the seeming unsuccess of homosexual parenting to try and prove their position.

The authors also seem intent on the idea of a man and women “fitting” together and “becoming one” physically in a way that homosexual men and women cannot. Without getting too graphic, sexual pleasure and the “fitting together” of bodies can happen when either sex engages in sexual activity, so the real point underlying this concept is that when heterosexual couples “fit together” their particular union is conducive to childbearing. As stated before, I don’t think this is a strong argument against same-sex marriage.

For biblical examples, I think their arguments are fairly weak too. By pointing back to “how things were in the beginning” they give the underlying assumption that how things were in the beginning is the only correct framework for things now. If we follow that train of thought, men should be primarily be workers of the land. We should all do away with clothing as well. I think appealing to “how things were in the beginning” is simply not a compelling enough point for “this is how things should always be.”

When referencing Matthew 19 where Jesus says, “in the beginning the Creator made them male and female,” the authors incorrectly draw conclusions about gay marriage. Women had very few rights and say in the divorce process of the time, so Jesus’ response about divorce speaks against the misuse of men towards their wives who could not defend themselves. He is pointing to the equality of the sexes in God’s eyes. I do not believe that based on the context surrounding his statement that Jesus is making any sort of point about how what sexes make up a marriage, but rather that the two sexes were created with equal value and that divorce should rarely be permissible. I am disappointed that this argument is used about same-sex marriage when there are other verses that are far more convincing against it. It feels a bit like the authors are trying to get Jesus to say an authoritative statement on the issue by using this example instead of others.

I will end by saying it is admirable how the authors tell the Christian community to get their act together in regard to truly modeling the beauty of marriage before seeking to drastically affect the same-sex community. They write on page 101, “As Christians, we must spend more energy getting our own houses in order than we do trying to correct those outside the Church.” To that I say Amen!

I have no doubt that this book sprang from a genuine love of the same-sex community, and while I don’t agree with many of the arguments, I believe the tone of grace and love is desperately needed for the church today.

[SChang · Rating 3 out of 5]

Summary: In this book, the authors outline the basic countours of the debate around same-sex marriage while exploring more in detail the Christian position, and the biblical and scientific reasons that support the Christian position.

My Review: To be honest, I’ve only read about 30% of the book so far. It’s not a great idea to review a book before you’re done reading it, but here goes.

Overall, I’ve been enjoying what I’ve read so far. The authors are civil and calm, and their arguments are easy to follow. I felt like I’ve learned a lot about the philosophical and legal contours of the whole same sex marriage debate, and the sociological and theological ideas that undergird the Christian position.

However, I have two qualms with the book. The first is that this topic of same-sex marriage seems terribly outdated. That’s quite frightening. It’s an indication of how quickly culture has moved on from this topic, because of how quickly the mainstream attitude has become accepting of same sex marriage. But the truth is, the fight is now elsewhere, and as I read this book I can’t help but feel like this book should have come out several decades ago. Once again the culture shifted, and the church is now playing catch up.

My second qualm is related. Though I want to be informed of the issues around this topic, I don’t necessarily want to die on this hill when it comes to engaging the world around me. Our nation is becoming increasingly post-Christian and the reputation of Christians has suffered so much from fighting this battle against same sex marriage. We’ve become mired in politics and power struggles, perhaps at the cost of loving our neighbor, and at the cost of opportunities to share the Gospel. The Christian sexual ethic seems to only make sense if people understand the Christian message, and the character of the God who is central to that message. By fighting for same sex marriage, could we be putting the carriage before the horse?

Still, the book has been helpful (so far) to help me grasp the contours of the debate and the basic reasons for the Christian position. Take my review with a grain of salt. After all, I’ve only read a third of the book so far.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

John Stonestreet and Sean McDowell team-up in this dissection of



Written in 2014, before the Supreme Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage across the United States, certain sections of the book can come across as curious snapshots of Christian attitudes and ideas. (For instance, Christians certainly have not, in any numbers, moved to completely separating civil and religious marriage ceremonies, although the idea has merit.) Others, on the other hand, feel just as fresh and relevant as if they had been penned only yesterday.

What I appreciate most about this book is the clear heart that beats through it to uphold biblical truth and morality in a loving and thoughtful way. This book dedicates far more page space to untangling false and unhelpful ideas that Christians hold about marriage and homosexuality and to convicting the church of unloving and unChristlike attitudes and treatment towards gay people than it does decrying same-sex marriage. Anyone who reads this book for an answer to "What are we going to do about those gays?" will be in for a rude awakening, as the question the book is primarily concerned with is "What are we going to do about ourselves?"

Be prepared to be convicted and challenged, but also be encouraged. There are other Christian brothers and sisters who are willing and prepared to do the incredibly hard work of proclaiming biblical truth about marriage and sexuality while simultaneously living a life of compassion and understanding towards gay individuals. There are Christian brothers and sisters ready to encourage and applaud same-sex attracted Christians who desire to walk in chastity. There are other Christians who are not willing to overlook hateful words and actions in the name of truth.

Overall, while somewhat dated, this is still an excellent cultural primer and timely engagement on one of the most controversial topics of our time.

[Ayame Crosley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was about how God looks at Same-Sex marriage. It draws out through the book what God's design of marriage is. The main question through out the book is defining "What is marriage?" The authors break down how the world looks at marriage and how the Bible looks at marriage. It is very different. It starts out with this approach then leads to what marriage would look like with God in marriage and what marriage would look like without God. The second part of the book explains what the church(big C) can do now that we are in this place with two definitions of marriage in this world. I really like how they ended the book for action on how as the church we can bring Biblical marriage back to the world and how as a church we can love those that are same-sex attracted better then we have in the past. The authors really broke down ways to do this and this is helpful because then the reader can apply it to their lives. I think there are some parts that can be updated in this book because it was written in 2014 and same-sex marriage was not legal in all States. It became legal after this book came out. There are parts that could be updated by writing toward an audience now that lives in a time that same-sex marriage is legal in all States. This is a great book for people in the church that want to read more about this topic because it is very prevalent now. The reader does not just learn about same-sex marriage and how God looks at it but the reader also learns about marriage and God's design of marriage and sex. I really enjoyed this book and I recommend it to others.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

First off, i have the utmost respect for the authors of this book, who are able to truly portray love and understanding for those who may differ on the issue of same sex marriage, while holding firm to the belief that marriage is one union between one man and one woman for one lifetime.
The first part of the book covers how the idea of same sex marriage has evolved from inconceivable to becoming legal, It walks us through the different parts of the Bible that support the historical view of marriage and dives into a bit of the history of the LGBTQ movement and how they gained so much traction so fast.
The second part of the book answers the question- “what do we as Christians do about this issue”. How can we help our communities see this topic differently. The change starts within our own lives, as we are accountable for our own actions and living out what God intended marriage to be.
The third and last part of the book answers hard questions about what to do in different scenarios you may find yourself in, such as listening to an uncle gay bash someone, and how to respond and act appropriately in love and understanding.
Ultimately, I found this helpful for being able to really define what marriage is and why we should preserve it the way God intended it. As someone who has recently left a homosexual relationship that was headed toward marriage in order to pursue truth in Jesus, this book was a resource for me to solidify these beliefs and also aided in my confidence of how to handle tough situations that i will inevitably find myself in in the future.

[Agust Olafsson · Rating 4 out of 5]

It takes maturity to have a respectful and honest conversation with someone you disagree with on an important topic. Marriage is important, and in the book Same-Sex marriage, a thought approach to God’s design for marriage, Sean and John are caring and respectful yet honest and true about their convictions. They make a case for the traditional definition of marriage while giving plenty of helpful ways to engage with those who hold other views. I am thankful for how much I learned from this book. It enforced things I’ve known for a long time but also introduced me to other points that are new. For example, I have long maintained that what it is to be a human being is central, while I had never heard about the book After the ball. That book redefined the strategy to make the culture favorable to same-sex marriage. Sean and John do well in calling Christians to put first things first in taking responsibility for their own lives. I recommend this book for anyone who wants a better understanding and response on the topic of marriage.

[Marcy Kennedy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a clear, straightforward, practical guide to a very emotionally charged issue. The authors do a good job in sticking to Biblical truth while also trying to be loving and kind. It's a difficult line to walk.

This book doesn't address the debate about what the Bible says about homosexual activity. It strictly approaches the topic of same-sex marriage. While it might be helpful to have already studied the more foundational issue, I think this book can be read without it.

The only reason I gave this book four stars instead of five is that I wish it had gone more deeply into certain topics (e.g., the Bible's picture of marriage), and not all the interviews were equally helpful. Some of them added very little. Others touched on topics that could have been developed more had they been given an entire chapter.

[Sara Christians · Rating 4 out of 5]

Obviously this book is a bit outdated now, as the cultural landscape is changing so rapidly in recent years, but there are some good points in here that still apply. My main complaints would be that the structure is a bit disjointed with the way the interviews are included, and (this is a personal preference of mine) I cringe with the constant use of the word "winsome" because it is used so much by the seeker-sensitive wing of the evangelical church that is embarrassed by the truth of Scripture. I also wish there was more exegetical analysis of the Bible's passages on homosexuality, as the main audience is Christian, rather than so much focus on the cultural aspect.

[Joshua Ziefle · Rating 4 out of 5]

An standard evangelical position on the subject with an approach that gave me pause to think re: its discussion of the societal, human, and divine meaning of marriage itself. So too the time it spent commenting on Christian shortcomings that we need to own. The book also reflects on approaches in light of new realities. Would have liked it to be written after the 2015 Supreme Court decision, rather than before.