Since You Asked: Readers' Favorite Advice Columns on Love, Drugs, Sex, Dreams, Creativity, Adultery, Addiction, Abuse, Narcissism, Hyperacusis, Grief, ... Hell Does My Boyfriend Really Live, anyway?

by Cary Tennis

Witty and Irreverent Wisdom for Lovers, Cheaters, Drinkers and Saints

In Since You Asked Cary Tennis, with the help of Salon.com's 4.4 million monthly readers, has collected some of the most unforgettable letters and best answers from his Salon.com advice column.

Those who open Since You Asked at any page will be instantly caught up in an idiosyncratic modern problem. "Where does my boyfriend really live?" Or, "We're married, but do we have to live together?" And the correspondent who confessed, "I forgot to tell my wife I have a twelve-year-old daughter."

Cary responds to these problems at a deep the level of personal myth. In this way Since You Asked is a uniquely intimate book that explores the big questions of life thoughtfully and maybe provides a little peace. This is why one of his readers called him, "The Walt Whitman of advice columnists."

Genres: Nonfiction

400 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 2007

Reviews

[Tiffany Cain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Is there anything better than reading about other peoples' problems? Especially when they are kind of weird problems? No. No, there is not.

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a Cary Tennis junky. My husband bought me this compilation for our first anniversary. I'm sure it isn't everybody's idea of the perfect present; nevertheless, I love it.

I don't know that I can articulate exactly why I love this collection so. It's due, in part, to the zany nature of the advice sought. After all, who can resist headlines like: "I found my dad's gay porn" and "The sound of people eating drives me insane?" Mostly, though, I return to the column each morning because of Tennis' sprawling, creative, empathetic and often flawed responses. Something about these columns makes me feel less weird, less alone and more certain that there are benevolent forces at work in the universe: namely, Cary Tennis.

If you can't get your hands on a copy of this book, then I strongly recommend checking out his daily column at Salon.com. It's a crucial part of my morning ritual...more important than coffee, even.

[Philip · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book for picking up and wandering through. Guess I should be checking out his column for free at salon.com but it's nice to have a whole collection of his Advice Columns right here in your hands. Each Q&A situation is like a short story . . . He takes incredible intuitive leaps and risks to address people's existential and relationship problems, often with amazing insight and a willingness to expose his own human vulnerability and frailties. Loved it!

[laura]

"The word that comes to mind upon meeting [Cary Tennis:], or upon reading one of his sometimes sprawling columns, is free. He doesn't make small talk, or even really medium-sized. He'll get a wild look in his eyes and lick his teeth. Sometimes he closes his eyes while talking, and leaves them closed. He is generally from another planet. Once I watched him hug a plush toy when he thought no one was watching. He has poodles and a hat collection. " -chris colin for SFgate

i love cary tennis. i really love him. which is awkward, since we've never actually met. nonetheless, i believe we are simpatico.

[Rosy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Did not enjoy. The author seems to be projecting his own views on to the letter writers instead of listening closely to what they're asking. That's my opinion

[Roger Scime · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cary Tennis has been penning the Since You Asked column for Salon.com, since 1991, offering sagely advice on such topics as:

Help! I’m falling for a fat man — Weighing in, in Washington
My wife quit shaving her legs and it turns me off — Worried in South Carolina
I’m a gifted high achiever who wants to be a flight attendant —Undecided
At what point can I just give up on my son? — Giving Up on the Kid
Should I stick with my girlfriend through here cancer? — Confused in Colorado
If my wife dressed better, would gay guys stop hitting on me? — Amused in North Carolina
I used to be funny, but now I’m boring and self-conscious — Self-conscious
I’m not sure I have a self. How do I get one? — Missing in action
To tell the truth, I chose these particular titles because I thought the subjects were sufficiently far from the Old Mill (and the proverbial “run of”), to grab your interest, Valued Reader; Cary’s great at “normal” problems as well, problems of sex, relationships, drugs, abuse, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Did I mention sex and drugs?

I’m not talking about the kind of lets-see-how-clever-and-obscure, pun-riddled and self-congratulatory showing off that—say—Amy Alkon proffers as being “wit” in her weekly Advice Goddess column. (Note: I mean no disrespect to Ms. Alkon; In fact, I regularly skim her musings every week in the Reno News & Review—no matter how unintelligible they may be).

Nope. Cary writes from the heart and the brain (or vice-versa), and I have to admit: I’m a fan. He’s a mensch of the old school, and a person who tempers honest wisdom with a big, fat helping of empathy, and an extraordinary way with words.

Interspersed with a game plan that includes the usual counseling and other support options to Giving Up on the Kid, he offers this insight:

This has got to be extremely painful for you. You need help managing the emotional pain you are in . . . There will be no quick fixes. But it is the only thing you can do that holds the possibility of getting through the next 10 years with some dignity and some understanding, and without a tragic outcome.

Advice that elevates the commonplace to the extraordinary .

In his advice to Confused in Colorado, he writes:

People often say things happen for a reason. I don’t necessarily believe that. But I believe we must live life as if things happen for a reason. We must create meaning. Otherwise we’re just sick, pathetic, clueless bastards!

And, to Self-consious:

When [people’s] eyes glaze over it is not just abject boredom but abject fear, because unconsciously they realize: This is their fate too. We will all become boring. . . .

. . . I cannot stand the silence, and I don’t really care, so I fill it up with junk, like an old redneck pulling up to the rock pit with a truck full of couches.

I wish I could write as Cary does. I’ve managed to attend a couple of his San Francisco Workshops on those few occasions when money and time managed to coincide.

In 2007, Cary collected these and a bunch of his other column and self-published them as Since You Asked: The best of Salon’s Cary Tennis.* I strongly suggest you grab a copy. Not necessarily because you suffer one of the myriad spiritual maladies that Cary is so ept at diagnosing and prescribing for, but because simply absorbing his observations will have your head nodding in silent agreement and saying to yourself, yeah, yeah.

I wish I could write as Cary does. I’ve managed to attend a couple of his San Francisco Workshops on those few occasions when money and time managed to coincide.

Maybe I should just ask him.

[dirt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Giving a book 5 stars feels good, especially after a slump of 2 star books. This book really is amazing. Mr. Tennis really is creating art in the form of an advice column. I've been an occasional reader of the Since You Asked column on Salon.com. I was delighted to see the "Right-wing Reading in the Corporate John" entry because it is my all-time favorite.

My other recommended entries are:

- We Left Paradise for the Suburbs
- I'm a Gifted High Achiever Who Wants to be a Flight Attendant
- American Beauty
- I'm Not Sure I Have a Self. How Do I Get One?

[Timothy Finnegan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cary Tennis converts the vinegar of the typical advice columnist into the wine of self-fufillment. He write regularly for Salon.com. He's someone I would like to know. I was tickled that he wrote his own return address in pen when sending me his book. The letters to him are usually banal affairs, rife with narcissistic self-interest. His responses go to the heart of what most of us sense but cannot articulate when we love and hunger for passion in our lives. Thank you Cary.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Advice columns are a strange concept in a cynical world. Cary's advice usually comes down to believing in & being kind to oneself, considering how one's actions affect others, and being brave enough to live a true life, whatever that encompasses for the individual reader. I read this in small doses, and he makes me laugh and feel just a little bit more hopeful than I did a few minutes before. Good advice, I think.

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I sometimes read Cary Tennis' column in Salon, although I'm not the biggest fan. Saw this at the library, though, and picked it up. I did mainly skim it, and only read what appealed to me. But I really enjoyed what I read. There are some real pearls of wisdom in here. I did think, hmmm, I'd like to have this on my shelf.

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to rate this three-and-a-half stars, for the record.

Cary Tennis writes the most eloquent responses to the questions he's asked. Some questions are profound while others are just bizarre; this book contains his picks of the best. Read and live vicariously through others.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven't read the book (I bought it for a friend and skimmed through it) but I'm a big fan of Cary's and I love his column.

[stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

i love, love, love, love cary tennis.

[Jonathan Tennis · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was a sad day when Cary's advice column went away. But the good news is that this collection gives you an opportunity to read (re-read) some of the best letters and responses of the column.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved reading Cary Tennis on Salon.com back in the day. He's even more readable in book format.

[Bryan Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very great practical advice and easy to read. Great for trips. Letters are short and answers are concise.