How to Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him

by Ann Wilson, Dave Wilson (primary_contributor)

Discover the marriage you've always hoped for. With practical tools to help you communicate more effectively, you'll learn to speak the language of love and grace that will encourage and strengthen your husband at every turn.

Ann Wilson spent more than a decade longing for a better marriage and for her husband to be more attentive, more involved, more helpful, and just all-around better. And every chance she got, she told him so. Where she thought she was being helpful, she was instead badgering him with constant critiques until all he heard was, "Boo! Boo!" when they were together. It almost broke their marriage. But Ann discovered the power that God has given wives.

No matter how long you've been married, you don't need to spend another minute hoping and wishing for things to be different. They can! And the power is in your hands.

In this motivating, honest new book, Ann--marriage coach and bestselling author with her husband, Dave--shares how she breathed new life into her marriage by stewarding one of the most powerful gifts believers inherit from the encouragement. God has given wives a superpower to influence their husbands and homes, and you can use that power to build up and encourage your man to be a better husband, father, and man of God while still speaking truth to him. Relatable, encouraging, biblical, and funny, Ann shares stories from her own life, as well as valuable insights from Scripture, to help

Address the ways you process and justify your communication patternsSeek spiritual and relational (re)alignment with both your husband and GodLearn to exercise self-control and demonstrate radical grace in conversations with your husbandBegin to cheer more than boo--in a way that isn't put on, fake, or inauthenticLearn to speak truth in a way your husband can really hear youAnd, ultimately, cultivate a grace-based marriage that thrives 

Real people in real relationships have real problems, but with God's help, you can heal and sustain your marriage for a lifetime.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Christian, Christian Living, Adult

224 pages, Paperback

Published May 13, 2025

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Reviews

[Hope Grinnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard Ann Wilson on The Deep Dish podcast and knew I wanted to read her book instantly. I loved her honesty, vulnerability and encouragement. Our words are powerful and I want to use mine to give life!

[Erin Montgomery · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is solid, practical, and was a great refresher to read 17 years into marriage! This couple writes with humor, honesty, experience, and encouragement from God’s Word.

[Janelle Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this book to anyone married. I will try to reread this every year. Such great wisdom and illustrations of how to cherish your husband instead of work against him. So glad I read it.

[Madison Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was so edifying, and likely a resource that I will revisit and use for years to come. Highly recommend!!

[Miranda Dawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The illustrations or references used by Ann and Dave in this book are helpful. This book overall really did help shape my mindset around love and how to speak life to my husband. Words are powerful and each thing you say should be thought about before saying it. I’ve been trying to work on this since I began reading this book. It’s been really difficult to change my mind set but it’s helping maintain peace within the household. Small moments that normally would blow up or end in hurtful tones or mean words have ceased somewhat. Everyday I have prayed for strength to hold my tongue and not be quick to speak. As I was doing household things like dishes etc I caught myself thinking about all the negative things and complaining in my mind directing it to my husband. I was going to start complaining but remembered to pray and just think of the good things. Thankful that I have dishes to clean and food to put on those plates. I woke up this morning and started to think of all the amazing things my husband did this morning. I thanked him a total of three times. Automatically I see a change in the way he is walking around. The way we talk to our loved ones truly does matter. I’m quick to speak and reading this just REALLY helped me to see things in a new reality. My favorite quote is when Ann says Jesus is like an anchor, and anchors only work if you stay tied to them. A gentle answers turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger!
Highly recommend this read. Other books are recommended within this one, I wrote them down and plan to read them.

[Madeline Grable · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've loved listening to Dave and Ann Wilson for a while now, and Ann's book is just as good as I hoped it would be!

As she said in the book - this book is not for the faint of heart. Ann is direct, gracious, and shows how much growth some of us wives need to go through in order to support our husbands.

It has its convicting moments, some good laughs, and also a "oh, am I doing that?" moments. While I would say my marriage to my husband is good - I would also say that this book has encouraged me to grow and get out of my comfort zone to try new things.

Even as I've applied some of these items from the book, my own husband told our church group that he has noticed a change in me, and how I've become such an encourager to him.

No, not all things are going to be easy, but it's so worth it to apply it to your life.

Last but not least - this book is geared towards women, however Dave occasionally does put some input in there for husbands. Be careful if you read it though with your spouse - in case you both start pointing fingers at each other. Be humble and have an open heart when reading this - God may use this to change your marriage to something so wonderful that you might have thought was impossible. Give it a try - and see how God can you use in your marriage.

4 out 5 stars - highly recommend to anyone at any stage in their marriage.

[Bailey Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

If y'all think I'm gonna live a long life with 60+ years of happy marriage under my belt without posting a cringey book or two to my Goodreads you'd be mistaken!!! Could've subbed most of the book for the last chapter as a pamphlet. Postpartum rage, iykyk

[January · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him by Ann Wilson with John Driver, with reflections from Dave Wilson (2025)
viii+216-page Kindle Ebook story pages 1-207

Genre: Christian Nonfiction, Marriage & Family, Christian Life, Social Relations

Rating as a movie: PG

Featuring: Praise, Dedication, Introduction, Bible Verses/Epigraphs, All He Heard Was “Boo!,” Minefields, Cheerers and Mirrors, The Power of Empowerment, Dave’s Reflections, Stop the Chop, Chopping Plants, Life, Death, and My Way of Being; Putting Down the Shears and Picking Up the Mirror, Why Don’t I Get a Helper?, How We Change Each Other, Changing Thought Patterns, What People Madly in Love Are Really ThinkingThe Big “What If,” Respect: The New Rebellion, Power Balances and Blame, Rebels, Respect, and Reverence; Going Back to Go Forward, Stages, Cages, Questions, Speaking Light Into Darkness, Words: Watching and Weighing, Little Big Things, Skunks, Knives, and Wives; The Tension of Truth and Love, How We Wrap the Truth, What is Love, Planting Seeds and Seeking Wisdom, The Wisdom of Saying the Right Hard Things, What Should I Say, and How Should I Say It; When to Say It, Conclusion: Keep Speaking Life, Acknowledgments, Notes, About the Authors

Songs for the soundtrack: "Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift, "Let It Go" by Idina Menzel, "What Is Love" by Haddaway

Books and Authors mentioned: Debra Fileta, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn; No More Faking Fine: Ending the Pretending by Esther Fleece Allen, Your New Name: Saying Goodbye to the Labels That Limit by Esther Fleece Allen, Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Embracing Your Power in Marriage by Dr. Juli Slattery, God, Sex, and Your Marriage Dr. Juli Slattery; Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better by Brant Hansen, The Men We Need: God's Purpose for the Manly Man, the Avid Indoorsman, Or Any Man Willing to Show Up by Brant Hansen; Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers by Dane Ortlund, The Holy Bible, Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, Frozen by Jennifer Lee [based on] The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Andersen [and] The Ice Queen by Hans Christian Andersen; The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict by The Arbinger Institute, Jerry Maguire by Cameron Crowe [based on the life of] Leigh Steinberg, Kristi McLelland, Inception by Christopher Nolan, Us in Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage by Ted Lowe, Vertical Marriage: The One Secret That Will Change Your Marriage by Dave and Ann Wilson, Braveheart by Randall Wallace [inspired by] The Actes and Deidis of the Illustre and Vallyeant Campioun Schir William Wallace by Blind Harry; The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis; Living Fearless: Exchanging the Lies of the World for the Liberating Truth of God by Jamie Winship, No Perfect Parents: Ditch Expectations, Embrace Reality, and Discover the One Secret That Will Change Your Parenting by Dave and Ann Wilson with John Driver, A Few Good Men byAaron Sorkin [based on] A Few Good Men by Aaron Sorkin; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Delia Ephron and Elizabeth Chandler [based on] The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares; The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks

My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🗣✝️

My thoughts: This book is so good. I feel a bit bad that it spent 10 days unread in my library but grateful I waited until I was ready to receive this message. I love the plant metaphors and the definitions of helper and love. I wish this book had been available 20 years ago.

Recommend to others: Yes! Yes! Yes! If you are a parent or want to start a family someday with or without children, I highly recommend this book.

Memorable Quotes: “Are you kidding me?” I yelled back. “Dave, I’m not booing you; I’m helping you!” Before the words had barely left my lips, he shot back in a morose tone, “Well, it doesn’t feel like help.” Then he begrudgingly added, “Do you think it’s working?” He had finally asked the right question. “No!” I replied loudly. “It’s obviously not working, which is why I have to say it louder and more often, because it’s not working at all.” I stopped in my tracks, wide-eyed with shock at what I had just admitted. Dave continued. “It feels like you’re just booing my every move, or my lack of moving, or even my ideas about moving. It just feels like I’m only ever reminded of the things I do wrong. You constantly critique me. Heck, sometimes I even get critiqued in comparison to other husbands.” He was getting worked up again, revealing that his feelings were not a temporary anomaly he had tailor-made for his presentation. I was speechless. Then he dropped the final bomb: “Who wants to come home to that?”

The truth is that what I hope to communicate in the following chapters aligns with neither of the extremes mentioned above nor any other extremes. It is my goal that this book will not disempower you as a woman. On the contrary, I want to see you empowered in ways you never thought possible. Words like empower and disempower have been hijacked at all kinds of points along the political and ideological spectrum, but the kind of empowerment I’m referring to is not merely theoretical or pseudospiritual. It is, instead, real, practical, and potent. It does not excuse the actions or words of anyone around us. It does not cause one to be unhealthily controlled or lost in a relationship. Rather, it will help you to exercise self-control and divinely empowered influence in healthy, lasting ways. This journey of empowerment redeems the very term itself, returning us to the safety of God’s best intentions that cannot be contained by either extreme—hypermasculine Christianity or hyperfeminine progressivism. It is not transactional in nature, meaning I won’t be teaching you how to fake a smile to get what you want out of your man. This path is gentle but rebellious. It is hard in a soft way. It leads us not only to speaking truth but also to hearing it. Instead of life in the minefields, it leads us to receive one of the most powerful gifts we’ve inherited from the divine nature of our Creator—encouragement.

Contrary to what many people think about prayer, just spilling it—whatever it may be—is the best kind of prayer. God loves it when we dialogue with him and confess—that is, tell the truth about—our circumstances to him. As we will learn later on in the book, King David was quite the complainer, but when he took his complaints to God, we got the book of Psalms. God is not afraid of, nor is he limited by, our weaknesses. He does not wring his hands when we let him know how we really feel down in those super-deep, dark, and disturbing places. He does not pull away; he leans in.

I wanted more out of Dave. For example, I wanted us to have more frequent family devotions, and I wanted Dave to lead them—he was, after all, a pastor. I wanted him to care about my life and how I was doing. I wanted him to see me, hear me, and actually be interested in my dreams, frustrations, and desires. I also wanted him to be invested in our kids—emotionally and spiritually—and maybe rub my feet every now and again! (Okay, that last one was a bit on the dreamy side of things.)

Here’s another important question to ask: Would you want your son to be married to someone like you? Don’t just blow by this question. Take a moment to really think it through. In other words, what is it like to be married to you? Is your husband excited to walk into your home because your words bring him life? I began to wonder if Dave was spending so much of his life away from our home, at least in some part, because he felt cheered out there and booed by me. In talking this through with God, I realized he had given me the power to change that—not just with my husband, but with my sons as well. When I stopped looking into the sun and took a glance in the mirror instead, I realized I had been crushing Dave’s spirit in our own home. And Dave wasn��t the only casualty. My boys were also taking friendly fire from me. I was the one in their lives who always pointed out that their attitudes were stinky and that they played too many video games. Of course, these things were true, but how I communicated the truth was leading them away from a higher truth of their safety, love, and acceptance in our home, regardless of their performance.

Grace-based marriage looks very different from what our culture deems as normal. It is a relationship in which both spouses acknowledge their respective faults and, more importantly, also acknowledge a common need for the same grace from the same healer. When we take our eyes solely off of our spouse and look at ourselves as well, we will realize just how much we need the same amazing grace we are so often unwilling to give to our spouse.

Obviously, I was not yet the man she was telling me I was. I may never fully be. Obviously, Ann is not able to transform my life; she is pretty awesome, but she is not the Almighty. Besides, that is way too much weight for her to carry—a weight that I see many wives carry as they desperately try to transform their marriages and families into something better. No, the wife isn’t meant to carry the weight of transformation.

God’s ways often work out that way. You give something away that you desperately want to hold on to, and, in turn, God gives you something you desperately wanted but could never attain on your own.

No, we shouldn’t stand by and do nothing about abusive patriarchal attitudes and systems that hurt women. No, we can’t stop men from self-destructing. Yes, many men have done a lot of damage. Still, seeing only the negatives in the man we’re married to isn’t actually making him or us become better. The Scriptures and brain science are in alignment on this: Spending our time and energy obsessively thinking about all the ways our man is failing isn’t helping him. And it isn’t helping us either. Instead, it makes perfect sense that God wants to use us to unleash in our husbands the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control that the Spirit has imparted to them (Galatians 5:23 ESV). God wants to change our husbands for good—a change that may start only when we transform the way we think about them.

But the truth is, even in good relationships, marriage is not always balanced or fair. It just isn’t. One partner will be weaker in certain areas or even in certain seasons, while another will be stronger. We should strive, not to equalize our responsibilities and privileges, but to recognize each other’s weaknesses and choose to love and respect the other despite them. The beautiful unfairness of grace shows us that while our weaknesses may not be equal, they render each of us equally in need of God’s strength. When we stop using our husband’s weaknesses as excuses to misuse the power God has given us, we can break free from the cycles we’re in. It is only outside of a human definition of flourishing that we can truly flourish in our marriage. After all, marriage is not a human idea.

If you are a husband reading this, let me say this: We need to live in a way that will garner respect and belief from our wives. When we act in unrespectable ways, it is extremely difficult for our wives to respect us. How we live matters, and a man who lives in a respectable way will find respect and belief coming back to him. I know you wives want to hear the same thing from your husband. We are called by God to give love and respect back to you. But let me remind you, your affirming words of belief truly do help him become the man you thought you married.

I am much better at it now, but it took me thirty years to even begin figuring some of this out. I’m telling you this because I hope that your husband will be open to reading at least this chapter of Ann’s book so he can avoid spending years making the same mistakes I did. So, men, if you’ve been brave enough to pick up your wife’s book, please take heed of my caution. You have an amazing woman beside you who needs your tender yet powerful love and support.

[Keshia Swaim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ouch. I wish I had read this book 10-15 years ago. Ann's internal monologue sounds quite a bit like my own. I love the thoughtful, bible-based advice she gives, and the emotional journey she is willing to share. As is stated throughout the book, this is not the resource for someone in a dangerous situation. But, for those of us who are trying to "make our husbands better" and having it blow up on us, this is a must read.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.25 stars.

I like the concept of the book. I found the book to be really easy to listen too. Both Ann and Dave are easy to listen to as well as engaging. The general theme is to just pray to God for your husband and yourself. There were some good tibits in here, overall Ann didn't really tell me now she changed or what changed in her. It was a lot of, give it to God and change my mindset, which I get, but as someone not super religious I just found this to be expecting the women to do all the work. Maybe that really does work, but so far 16 years later I haven't found this to work. Maybe after the thick of parenting it will change, but not sure.

[Christine Mills · Rating 3 out of 5]

🎧4 🎧Ann did an excellent job narrating. I’m
Going to be honest and say I really didn’t need Dave’s final input to bookend the chapters. Maybe if he just tied it up at the end? His voice narrating was okay, but I really enjoyed Ann’s performance and you could just feel her emotions.

⭐3.5⭐ Quick and helpful read. I love that Ann was vulnerable in her hardest moments of marriage and at times parenting. There were some really good pieces of advice that I’m going to try to implement in my marriage. Though the novel isn’t sharing groundbreaking information, it centers you back to Jesus and gently reminds you to see your spouse and others the way He does.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been married for 25 years. A lot of the ideas in this book are not new to me. The power of words to build up or tear down. That not every unhappy thought should be spoken. Focusing on the positives about our spouse and changing our negative thought patterns. Seeing how our expectations and baggage we brought into marriage affect our contentment. Speaking the truth in love at the right time in the right way. But they were good reminders to hear laid out in a systematic way with Bible verses and examples. I would have greatly benefited from this book in my early marriage and still benefited from it today.

[Janice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written from a faith viewpoint, this is a good reminder how to speak to anyone, especially your spouse. Ann described how her husband felt like she was saying "Boo! Boo!" every time she was trying to be helpful in helping to point out what he was doing wrong and what her pastor husband should be doing. She learned the hard way about how to do better, how encouragement and genuine affirmations can make a difference, and how wording and timing about the less positive things were critical.

[Samantha G · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite the relatively “sassy” title, I did find this book to be helpful and full of Scriptural truths. I tend to shy away from influencer Christian books since they can be full of buzz words and relatively unbiblical takes on situations. This book was encouraging, convicting, and balanced. Her writing style was kinda flamboyant, like she was writing a text message instead of a book, but I thought it was well done overall.

[Haley Mnatzaganian · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was fantastic. Reading it felt like having coffee with a trusted friend rather than being spoken down to by a seemingly perfect theologian. Ann continually points the reader to God rather than her own imperfect wisdom. This book is full of plenty of application with the theology to back it up.

[Kari Siders · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every married woman should read this book! This book gave me a better way to not only view my husband, but how my actions, words, and thoughts were being perceived by him. It has fundamentally changed how I understand I need to view and act towards my husband. I believe the ideas presented here will improve our marriage not just now, but forever.

[Erica Layman · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book but it was a lot of repeating the same message with a different Bible verse. Even though she says she is not submitting to her husband, in a way, she absolutely is. Instead of not losing her mind and downing him, instead of having a conversation with him, she felt the need to compliment him to stroke his ego to get him to behave better.

[Gracia Roulan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a better read than I thought it would be. The title made me laugh. So I just thought I'd check it out. But she Ann Wilson has some great points, illustration and wisdom to offer those of us who find ourselves frustrated as a wife and mom.

[Donna Mork · Rating 4 out of 5]

Discusses how to communicate with your spouse without it sounding like belittling or disrespect. How speaking encouraging words not only helps them grow but can be used to guide them to improve in their weaker areas. Gives practical ways to do this in your own marriage.

[Jamie Rocket · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are definitely some good points In here
Although some of it just got repetitive

[Megan DeMass · Rating 5 out of 5]

Would recommend to any woman really, a lot of these principles apply to how we talk to anyone, our spouse or children or friends.

[Katie Townsend · Rating 5 out of 5]

amazing read! highly recommend!
taken so much away from this book.

[Melissa Stoker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audio book. Had some good ideas to think about and apply when communicating with your husband or anyone you truly care about.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! What an inspiring book on how not only to speak life to your husband but also to everyone around you. I may have to buy this book to reread once or twice a year!

[Megan Paparatti · Rating 5 out of 5]

I relate to this book so much that it's as if it was written about me. Help me, Lord, to impart the things I have learned from this book into my marriage that it may be forever changed by You!

[Juliana Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Going to read again at some point. Can’t wait to read another book of hers.

[Rachel Kinsella · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved everything about this book except for the subtitle. I adored the author’s writing style. She had such a good balance of real world experiences and wisdom.

[Jane Winner · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great reminders for a solid relationship in all areas of this life!

[Heather Schutte-Clements · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really great book, I would recommend for all married couples. Practical, biblical and wise. ❤️

[Anna J Squeglia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Revelatory and humbling information, lots of good Bible verses to support it, but very little direct application which I personally would have appreciated. Still, an excellent ah-ha moment for me.