The Mingling of Souls: God's Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption

by Matt Chandler, Jared C. Wilson

This edition has a new cover

The Song of Solomon offers strikingly candid—and timeless—insights on romance, dating, marriage, and sex. We need it. Because emotions rise and fall with a single glance, touch, kiss, or word. And we are inundated with songs, movies, and advice that contradicts God's design for love and intimacy. Matt Chandler helps navigate these issues for both singles and marrieds by revealing the process Solomon himself followed: Attraction, Courtship, Marriage ... even Arguing. The Mingling of Souls will forever change how you view and approach love.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Relationships, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Faith, Theology

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2015

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Matt Chandler is the lead pastor of The Village Church, a multi-campus church in the Dallas metroplex of over 10,000 people. His sermons are among the topselling (free) podcasts on itunes and he speaks at conferences worldwide. Prior to accepting the pastorate at The Village, Matt had a vibrant itinerant ministry for over ten years where he spoke to hundreds of thousands of people in America and abroad about the glory of God and beauty of Jesus. He lives in Texas with his wife, Lauren, and their three children: Audrey, Reid and Norah.

Reviews

[Drew Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read a few books on marriage and while I am not married they have been very helpful in navigating the meaning of marriage and what it looks like to pursue it. Although my favorite book on marriage is still Tim Keller's Meaning of Marriage The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Matt Chandler is one of my favorite preachers and authors and I find his insight helpful and entertaining. One of the things that draws me to Matt is his ability to communicate on a practical level. This book is no different. As he looks at the Song of Solomon he uses his gift of exegeting scripture into ways that are super practical and helpful. The main things I took away from this book were his counsel to husbands and wives on how to handle conflict as well the need to use pitfalls in marriage to help those younger avoid the same mistakes. Being involved with young people I was thankful for his push in this area. On page 208 he says the following:
"Every failure in your life, every shortcoming, every stumble, every bloody knee, every broken nose is redeemed by Christ and used by the Holy Spirit to help shape, mold and serve what's behind you."
In the church today we have to many young people who can only get advice from other young people which is not how God designed it. As Chandler says thats like "one blind man giving another blind man advice about vision".

One concern about this book is that Chapter 5 "And the two become one flesh" is fairly graphic, therefore, if you are struggling with lust or sexual temptation it may be wise to avoid this chapter.

[Jeanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

We need to be fighting for our marriage. Fighting the dissatisfaction, fighting the expectation, fighting the selfishness and instead have a high value of marriage while fighting for the gospel. The Mingling of Souls starts with our attraction to the opposite sex, courting, wedding and the commitment of marriage. It would be great for a high school small group study. A study for a couple that wants to get married and for the couples that are. It is also good for parents to have a resource for their kids as well. There is so much potential with this valuable resource.

Commitment is everything in a marriage. Love is saying I am not going anywhere. At your worst..I am not going anywhere. When you have nothing good to say to me…I am not going anywhere. Instead of reacting, I want to respond with the gospel of not giving up. I want to respond with the gospel that you are worth death to myself and I will give the life of the gospel to you…I am not going anywhere. It does not mean to stay in an abusive relationship but what it does mean that marriage is a covenant not a contract relationship. It means that in a marriage there is redemption, even in a marriage that fails due infidelity or abuse.

In our sins and mistakes in marriages, we have much to offer our children and the young people of the church. When others learn from our mistakes, our mistakes are not wasted. Do not waste the mistakes of others. There is redemption in learning and taking heed. The sins of marriage show how much we have to guard our marriages. Guarding our marriages is guarding our heart.

Love is hope and the mingling of our souls is hope lived out. The Song of Solomon begins with hope and ends with hope – a love fulfilled. In God’s good design is where God’s glory is revealed and our joy is found.

I high recommend this book. Taught with humility and humor, reveals the heart of the gospel. Glory.



My huge thanks to the publisher David C Cook and NetGalley for a ebook to read and review.

[Brice Karickhoff · Rating 5 out of 5]

I get married in 4 days! It’s like I’m cramming for a test!

[Paul Stuart · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was a member of The Village when I lived in Denton, so I have nothing but love and respect for Chandler. This book has amazing wisdom and the biblical marriage doctrines are explained clearly and wonderfully. Overall, I'd recommend it. But I think the supposed exegesis of Song of Solomon hurt it for me. Some of the verses quoted had nothing to do with the ideas presented. Chandler ultimately wanted to discuss various marriage topics, and I actually feel the book would have been better if he did just that without the Song of Solomon "backbone". Matt is a gifted speaker, but alas, not a writer. His trademark wit and jokes fell flat as the page they were on...which is frustrating since I know 100% that I would have laughed at them if Matt said them out loud. Again, great insight and wisdom that I will definitely take away from and implement, but it's hard to accept someone saying "this is for sure what this book of the Bible means" when the book is ancient poetry and has at least 5 different scholarly interpretations. Love ya Matty-C, just watch out on the exegesis.

[Chase Tremaine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Questionable exegesis, fantastic takeaways

This was almost a 4-star review. Chandler wrote a suitably short book that's filled with highlightable advice and anecdotes (which I plan on revisiting). What ultimately docked the star was how Chandler interpreted the Song of Solomon. While I generally agreed with all of his practical conclusions, he rarely presented convincing arguments for why he interpreted the poetry the way he did; he read into the text with such freedom that I often felt like he was placing into the biblical text things that weren't really there. If this book was meant to be an actual commentary of the Song of Solomon, then I imagine Chandler would've offered more persuasive arguments. As it is here, this is still a mighty fine book that has great things to say about marriage and interesting albeit questionable things to say about Solomon's love poem.

[Nikkid · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will be passed onto my sons...

I found it very honest and encouraging. I was never allowed to discuss dating, self worth and temptations growing up, so I added rebellion out of sheer curiosity in my teen years. The discussions with my children, however, have been very open because of this. As open as they will allow, of course, but especially when it comes to courtships and dating for a purpose. I'm a 30 something married woman with three beautiful baby boys. Okay, two are teenagers, but even at my age I still learned a few vital lessons in here about maintaining a vibrant marriage. I even encouraged our youth pastor to pass it along to his older pupils. Good read. Thanks Matt.

[Brandon · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a fine book. If you're an evangelical fundamentalist you will probably like it more than I did. The relationship advice was pretty straightforward if not self explanatory (you shouldn't date people you are only physically attracted to, you should consider your differences before deciding to marry, etc.)

I don't think Chandler is a particularly smart person and he has a pretty wild perspective on gender roles. Here's a direct quote- "Men, watching your wife serve you in tender ways, watching her tend to the home... isn't that sexy?" Not really, and if I told a girl that I did feel that way I probably wouldn't get a second date.

[Brantley Good · Rating 4 out of 5]

Attention Single Ladies: I have just finished this book on relationships so I am officially date-able now. Please feel free to begin expressing interest in me. Thank you.

Jokes aside, this was a very good book. Some of the things I liked most about this book was the candid reminder that it’s not all gonna be easy, you won’t always feel like you have the answer, and you will make mistakes. This is coupled with the encouragement that a truly Biblical relationship is about more than being happy but rather pushing through the aforementioned difficulties for more than happiness because of the covenant we have made. Finally, I liked how the author continually compared and framed our relationships within the perspective of our relationship with God. I think it is essential to keep this perspective.

I had difficulty at times reading and taking in the information past the “dating” stages since I am not there yet but I can see myself looking back to this book as a guide when I do get further than “dating”.

I recommend to all.

[Nikole · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a great study of the book of Song of Solomon, but I would have to consider it a mere decent look into dating, courtship, and marriage. The overall definition of these stages was solid, the biblical interpretation was solid, and the relation of these aspects of life to the Gospel was solid. But the more I read of Matt Chandler's personal side notes and opinions, the fewer stars I felt were appropriate.

Matt Chandler often went with stereotypes and black/white extremes on things that he would later admit were not so clear based on his examples and personal experience. He would often claim one extreme is correct on the basis that another extreme doesn't work rather than finding a middle ground. A perfect example was when he discussed the concept of "the one". He stated that no one could have someone specific God designed just for them because if everyone had that, someone thousands of years ago could have messed it all up by marrying the wrong person. And yet he said he feels him and his wife were brought together by God. To me, he is saying that it's possible, but it doesn't mean everyone has one person just for them. It would have made much more sense for him to have left the door open while claiming it to not be the norm.

I often felt like he was giving the man's side of the story rather than looking at the relationship evenly. Most Christian books on marriage that I've seen lately have been written by both the husband and wife in order to keep a proper balance. Since this was written by two men, the balance was a little skewed at times. There were times that I felt he missed the point of his own stories due to trying to figure it out on his own rather than seeking balance. For example, he explained that there is no list of wrongs in a marriage. He gave an example of when he told his wife she was a hypocrite when she was talking about how God has been moving in her life lately when they first got married. Then, six years later, she brought it up when she felt he wasn't listening while she talked about what God was doing in her life. She told him she didn't feel like he was listening and asked if he thought she was a hyprocrite. He interpreted this as her bringing up something hurtful he said as though he was holding it against him in a list of wrongs. But if he looks beyond himself in the story, he would see that she was instead bringing up a list of insecurities because she cares about what he thinks of her. Just because this made him feel guilty didn't mean she was holding it against him. It just meant that it hurt her and she was afraid he still felt the same way.

All of that said, it was a great study of the book of Solomon. Matt Chandler has some good ideas when it comes to marriage, there are just still a few dots he hasn't connected yet. No one is perfect.

[Sarah Fowler Wolfe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderfully encouraging and mostly solid advice. Very interesting, deep reading of Song of Solomon with practical advice that holds up to the rest of scripture. Problems I found were a few throwaway semi derogatory comments about preference things, like weight; and quite a bit of "women do/feel X, men do Y". While I'm sure these stereotypes occur in his own marriage, it's unfair and a little dangerous to make sweeping proclamations without any acknowledgement to other personalities. Still a solid book I'll likely recommend to others, with these few cautionary notes.

[Drake · Rating 4 out of 5]

Second time through, this time as a married man. Pretty much the same as I remember it: interpretations of the Song are a stretch, but the actual relationship/marriage counsel is full of wisdom.

Original review:
While the book really doesn't spend much time actually examining Song of Solomon or defending its application of its particular passages, it does contain a plethora of good, sound, biblical teaching about the entire romance cycle, from the initial dating stage to growing old together. This is a worthwhile read no matter what stage of the "cycle" you're in right now.

[Arielle Joyce · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Mingling of Souls is a good guide for how to be "a regular reminder of God's grace" to others, especially your husband/wife.

I appreciated how it took readers through the Song of Solomon, teaching us how to read, interpret and learn from Solomon's experience and the Holy Spirit's wisdom, because that chapter of the Bible is quite enigmatic!

Chandler's conclusion was interesting (in a positive way) in relation to the temporality of earthly marriage vs the bigger, eternal marriage of Jesus to His Kingdom -- that when we gaze upon Jesus' face and enter Eternity, and when earthly marriage concludes, then we will understand the mystery of eternal glory, for which earthly marriage served as a foretaste.

[Ryan Starr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book that uses the Song of Solomon to show how godly men and women should engage in intimate relations with one another. Lots of takeaways that I hope to employ as I get ready for marriage. I enjoy Matt Chandler's direct, no holding back method of communication in a society where no one wants to hear that they are wrong.

[Sam Aird · Rating 3 out of 5]

Said a lot of helpful stuff, but also a lot of very specific things which I'm not entirely sure had any basis in Song of Songs. Good advice, but not sure if it is all biblical necessarily

[Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pastor Matt takes the approach of interpreting the Song of Solomon as the story of a lifelong marriage relationship between King Solomon and his Shulamite wife. Some of the interpretations of the various poetic elements are interesting, but as this book of the Bible has been debated for much of history regarding its interpretation, I won't offer any opinion. The principles that he does draw from his interpretation are excellent, applicable to all stages of a relationship that seeks to honor Christ.

[Logan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A marvelous treatise on the Song of Solomon and it’s application in the Christian’s life. Matt Chandler does a stellar job at being transparent and honest about his marriage, where it’s stumbled, and how God has redeemed those times. He also expertly dissects the Song of Solomon and applies it to the various stages of singleness, dating, engagement, etc. easily one of my favorite books of its kind that I will visit again and again as the years pass.

[fpk]

No rating, as I quit reading this one. The over interpretation of Song of Solomon was one reason; the second reason was that I read an article concerning Chandler that didn't sit well with me.

[Jordan Freeman Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to as an audiobook- Matt Chandler walks through Songs of Solomon and provides a lot of wisdom and scripture backed truth! Highlights the importance of marriage on a spiritual level, outside of and alongside the physical and emotional level. Marriage is about more than marriage- it’s about Christ’s deep sacrificial eternal love for His bride & it’s about marriage’s author. A book I plan to revisit!

[Savannah Walton · Rating 4 out of 5]

So real and so much wisdom. I will be coming back to this one

[Kelly Schulz · Rating 5 out of 5]

BEST book I've ever read on the topic, and so expertly written to all audiences;
Singles/ Those in a relationship / Newly marrieds / Longer-marrieds.
The skill in this comes from it's basis; that of Jesus-focused {not "purity"-focused} truth!
It warranted a flood of "amens" from me!

[K.A. Thederahn]

As a single guy, this book definitely brought to clarity what a Christ-centered relationship and marriage looks like. It did a great job of preparing me for the time when God will have me enter a relationship that pleases Him

[Deon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Part for Single & Searching, part for the Married & Maturing
The last three chapters (6-8) were by far the best: Fighting Fair, Logs on the Fire, and I'm Not Going Anywhere.

[Ryan Watkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chandler exposits the Song of Solomon and gives practice applications for how it relates to the Christian life for those who are dating, courting, or married. I found it very edifying.

[Elliot McComas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall great read. Matt Chandler is a certified baller. The book is very practical and brought up a lot of very convicting points that have caused a lot of reflection for me. Highly recommend!

[Isabella Muir-Kommer · Rating 4 out of 5]

As requested here is a review: Everybody loves recommending a good dating book, however I haven’t read one quite like this. While a lot of relationship books investigate the important topic of ‘marriage’, this book highlights the the many stages before that chapter in life… which unless we’re already married, we’re all at ahah...

More specifically it looks at how to date, how to do it well and to the fullest. Temptations, pursuit, fighting, glorifying God and getting to know one another more deeply.

Matt Chandler unpacks the “Songs of Solomon” from the Bible amazingly. This novel is spot on relatable, a good laugh and points to Gods redeeming love, glory and guidance the whole way.

Recommend!!! Dating or married 😉.


Enjoy a little sneak peak:

“The universe that you and I inhabit was created by a sovereign God. One of the implications of this truth is that there is wisdom woven into the very fabric of life itself that, if submitted to, makes life to the full possible”

[Maree Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

The grace of God in Jesus Christ, the sinless Bridegroom who laid down his life for the church in order to present her as blameless to the Father in great glory, so secures the children of God who make up this bride that they need not fear, as Luther said, "sinning boldly." Luther wasn't encouraging us to walk in ways that are contrary to the commands of God. Rather, he was reminding us that regardless of whatever perversions we are guilty of, God's grace covers that perversion, and we are encouraged to run to him and not from him. We can come just as we are to Jesus Christ; he does not love some future version of us, but he loves the real us, the wounded us, the messy us, the broken us... In a gospel centred marriage, when two souls are mingled together with the Holy Spirits leading, we find conformation after conformation that grace is true, that grace is real - that we can be really, truly, deeply known and at the same time really, truly, deeply loved.

[Clark Lanier · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book way more than I thought I would. I'm trying to avoid the marriage freak out, read every book possible to feel more prepared situation, but this book was recommended to me by some friends and was very worth the read. Matt Chandler walks through Songs of Solomon and how it shows us a picture of marriage and its super interesting. Also the chapter on sex is kind of like getting the birds and bees talk from your really cool Uncle who smokes cigarettes instead of your dad, would recommend.

[Malachi Huffaker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book on dating, courtship, sex, and marriage. This book went through the whole book of Song of Songs and broke it down. He made the Hebrew poetry really make sense for me. This book has a really great biblical defense for dating and lays out what dating should and shouldn’t be according to Song of Songs.

On a personal note, I cried at many different intervals during this book thinking about my imminent marriage to Savannah. Good cries and good stuff.

[Josue Mosquera · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great book on marriage. But not only married people or people want to get married. Should read it. It’s a book that goes far beyond just marriage. In this book, you have a close study of the songs of Solomon and with that it shows a very good clear picture of God‘s love for us.It’s a very Bible centered book but also also shares really good experiences from Matt Chandler’s life. Recommend 10 out of 10.

[Huw Fulcher · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fantastic book on Biblical relationships. Only critique would be that Chandler doesn’t stress enough that the principles he explains from Songs are the “perfect” standard. He can go for an entire chapter piling up all these things that most of us don’t do only to cover it with “we have grace”, at the end of the chapter.