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The Agony and the Agony: How Not to Ruin Your Teenagers Life
“Mom, you woke me up when I specifically asked you not to!” “Why did you turn here when you know this is the slowest possible way to go?” “I cannot believe you made teriyaki chicken again! Is that the only freaking thing you know how to make?” Sound familiar?The Agony and the Agony is a bitingly honest guide to what it takes (out of you) to raise a teen in today’s permissive, high-anxiety culture. This book is packed with hilarious stories, tips from former teens, parental traps to avoid, and advice on how not to handle each phase. For every parent who’s wondered, “What the hell is wrong with my kid?” Londergan provides empathy and wisdom from the trenches, as well as hope for a gainfully employed future.
- GenresNonfiction
255 pages, Paperback
First published May 19, 2008
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
November 27, 2021
[guessing at the star rating / mining my old FB notes now that they are almost impossible to find]
here are the best takeaways:
* if having 'the talk' gives you the willies, then a well-thought letter might do the trick
* boys will be stinky (amen to that - the daily chore of laundry is now getting positively gross to me; where did my sweet smelling babies go?) so institute basic hygiene rules: daily showers, use deoderant (not anti-persperant), and show them show to do the sniff-test on their own clothes
* teens act out a primal battle between different parts of themselves - child and adult. as a parent, you're merely an unfortunate target. learn to listen to their tirades with a spirit of compassion, and then get amnesia
* when faced with the inevitable "i hate___." don't add to the conflict, a quick response of "good to know" can shut down the conversation, after all - there's no request in there, no request to negotiate
* make fun of your own tendencies - that will deflate a teen's rising hostility , and maybe even make them laugh, diffusing the situation
* never let kids have tvs or computers in their bedroom: you'll lose all control of access to popular (and let's face it: horribly mismatched with our values) culture
* think of the internet as a tangible place. if you don't let them go somewhere new without such & such information, don't let them 'go' to the internet under the same circumstances
* don't assume your parental controls have any effect: get an independant person to see how easy it is to breach them. better yet, get an older cousin or a young aunt to offer your teen advice about computers and priviacy issues
* it's ok, as parents, to spot check a child's bedroom, pockets, computer history. it's our job to keep them safe. but a journal is a spot for thoughts & feelings and should be kept off limits
* most teens have access to booze by grade 9. talk honestly with your child and have a plausible story ready for your child to use if offered alcohol or drugs. (case in point: my daughter and i have a code we've agreed to in advance: if she asks to do something if front of a peer, i turn her down, so i play the heavy)
* threats show you are on the defensive; if used, they should not be long term or you'll forget to enforce them
* puppy love: take your teen's emotions seriously, but be indiferent to their relationship, maybe even slightly hostile. joining in your teen's fatansy of forever-and-ever send a messages that she needs this guy, and she doesn't
here are the best takeaways:
* if having 'the talk' gives you the willies, then a well-thought letter might do the trick
* boys will be stinky (amen to that - the daily chore of laundry is now getting positively gross to me; where did my sweet smelling babies go?) so institute basic hygiene rules: daily showers, use deoderant (not anti-persperant), and show them show to do the sniff-test on their own clothes
* teens act out a primal battle between different parts of themselves - child and adult. as a parent, you're merely an unfortunate target. learn to listen to their tirades with a spirit of compassion, and then get amnesia
* when faced with the inevitable "i hate___." don't add to the conflict, a quick response of "good to know" can shut down the conversation, after all - there's no request in there, no request to negotiate
* make fun of your own tendencies - that will deflate a teen's rising hostility , and maybe even make them laugh, diffusing the situation
* never let kids have tvs or computers in their bedroom: you'll lose all control of access to popular (and let's face it: horribly mismatched with our values) culture
* think of the internet as a tangible place. if you don't let them go somewhere new without such & such information, don't let them 'go' to the internet under the same circumstances
* don't assume your parental controls have any effect: get an independant person to see how easy it is to breach them. better yet, get an older cousin or a young aunt to offer your teen advice about computers and priviacy issues
* it's ok, as parents, to spot check a child's bedroom, pockets, computer history. it's our job to keep them safe. but a journal is a spot for thoughts & feelings and should be kept off limits
* most teens have access to booze by grade 9. talk honestly with your child and have a plausible story ready for your child to use if offered alcohol or drugs. (case in point: my daughter and i have a code we've agreed to in advance: if she asks to do something if front of a peer, i turn her down, so i play the heavy)
* threats show you are on the defensive; if used, they should not be long term or you'll forget to enforce them
* puppy love: take your teen's emotions seriously, but be indiferent to their relationship, maybe even slightly hostile. joining in your teen's fatansy of forever-and-ever send a messages that she needs this guy, and she doesn't
January 12, 2014
If you have teenagers and are scratching your head as to why you don't recognize them anymore, you have to read this book.
The author organizes this book in line with the stages of death and defines the raising of teenagers as a process similar to one you would go through in getting over someone's death: your sweet little child is dying and is becoming a teenager.
I'm not sure if it is because of my already somewhat twisted way of thinking, but I laughed through the whole book. The author is very up front, doesn't mince words, and really describes teenage behavior quite well. Most of her writing is based on her personal experience.
It is not really an advice book, but after reading it, you don't feel as isolated with your set of issues involving your your teenager.
I would highly recommend this book to parents at this stage in life.
The author organizes this book in line with the stages of death and defines the raising of teenagers as a process similar to one you would go through in getting over someone's death: your sweet little child is dying and is becoming a teenager.
I'm not sure if it is because of my already somewhat twisted way of thinking, but I laughed through the whole book. The author is very up front, doesn't mince words, and really describes teenage behavior quite well. Most of her writing is based on her personal experience.
It is not really an advice book, but after reading it, you don't feel as isolated with your set of issues involving your your teenager.
I would highly recommend this book to parents at this stage in life.
Read
June 17, 2016If you just want to vent or check your sanity, this is the right book for you. I feel moderately relieved after reading this book: I am not crazy. Teenagers are supposed to be like this. I should be thankful that Anna is not half as bad as what's described in the book.
But if you don't think sitting there and waiting for these teen years to pass is a real solution, and want to find a workable plan, you need to keep looking...
My bottom line is that, I need to teach my kids the habit of a healthy, balanced life style before they leave for college. Whether they will follow this life style after flying solo is on their own, but whether they know how to live a healthy and balanced life is my responsibility. So I do need to keep looking.
But if you don't think sitting there and waiting for these teen years to pass is a real solution, and want to find a workable plan, you need to keep looking...
My bottom line is that, I need to teach my kids the habit of a healthy, balanced life style before they leave for college. Whether they will follow this life style after flying solo is on their own, but whether they know how to live a healthy and balanced life is my responsibility. So I do need to keep looking.
December 4, 2010
What a great book for parents of a teenager! She is right on the money on almost every subject. This is a must read for parents!!!!! Read it before they become teens, during, after and all of the above. Wit and humor mixed in with real life situations makes this book not only a page turner but a great resource. And above all, it lets you know that you are not alone in the battle. Your child may be better, may be worse, but hundreds of thousands of parents have been in our shoes or now are so let the masses unite! LOL
December 12, 2012
This book is a must read going into the painful teen years. It confirms your suspicions that your adorable babies have indeed been replaced by monsters (aka teens), that's their behavior, while abominable, is normal, that all parents go through this stage and you're not alone. It reminds you that keeping your sense of humor and a bottle of wine handy will easy the pain.
July 30, 2013
OMG! I'm not crazy! This is a hilarious book that not only made me laugh, but gave me a lot of hope. My teenagers are not completely messed up; they are entirely normal. Betty does an excellent job of exploring the agony with compassion and humor, and tossing in some damn good advice! A must-read for any parents of teens!
January 22, 2016
I'm living the exact things Londergan writes about and she TOTALLY GETS IT! She offers practical advice and comforting support with a ton of wit and humor. (Which is a great relief for me, living with the constant angst of daily hormones and fighting.) I highly recommend this book!! DO NOT pass it up if you are in this wavy pre-teen and teen boat with me ;)
October 1, 2009
Highly recommended for teenage parents. It's not prescriptive psychology or anything like that. I laughed at myself and at our family every other paragraph.
Great therapy. Misery loves company especially when you realize your pains are so common out there, and see it all over in perspective.
Great therapy. Misery loves company especially when you realize your pains are so common out there, and see it all over in perspective.
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October 6, 2009A must read for any mom with a pre-teen/teen girl especially.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews