The world's worst movies

by Tim Healey

Revel in the Worst of Joan Collins, boggle at Plan 9 From Outer Space, suffer the Attack of the Chiller Gorillas, recoil from the Horrors on Party Beach!

The World's Worst Movies is a collection of essays as wildly funny as the films it describes and discusses. The book is intended to be amusing, the movies were not. But then, if you cast a hearth rug as The Creeping Terror what can you expect?

Tim Healey reveals the pitfalls awaiting low budgets, bad actors and directors, and hilariously simple-minded scripts.

Genres: Nonfiction

160 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1986

Reviews

[Aussiescribbler Aussiescribbler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This slim volume was a relatively early contribution to the cult of the "bad movie". Michael and Harry Medved had produced their seminal work Fifty Worst Films of All Time in 1978. Two years later, in their follow-up The Golden Turkey Awards, they enshrined Ed Wood's Plan Nine from Outer Space as the worst film in cinema history. The Golden Raspberry Awards ("The Razzies") were first held in 1981. This book was published in 1986. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 television series would start broadcasting two years later, 1988. Many of us had been watching and enjoying these movies for years before anyone started giving them awards and writing books about which were the very worst, but once they did it was so much more fuel to stoke the fire of our obsession.

I have to admit to having somewhat mixed feelings about the whole concept of "bad movies". The only truly bad movie is a boring movie, and, while some of the movies which get written about in books such as this are boring to watch, most are not. A lot of the qualities which cause a film to be classified as "bad" are a result of the combination of high ambition and low budget. When I go to the cinema today and see so many mediocre but enormously expensive blockbusters that need to have regular explosions to wake the audience up again, I think we should be celebrating those who have been able to entertain and delight with paper-plate flying saucers and stock footage of nuclear bomb tests. When "bad movie" critics come on too snidely superior it reminds me of someone who goes to a karaoke night to mock the singers while never daring to have a go themselves. But the short-comings of these movies are funny. Laughing at what was not intended to be funny is a big part of the enjoyment of watching them. And bitchy comments, too, have their life-affirming qualities. It is all a matter of balance, and I think Tim Healey gets it right.

That's not to say he doesn't have his faults. Some of his jokes are as painful as the worst of the movies he writes about, for instance this lead-in to his article on the ecological horror film Frogs (1972) :

They came on their bikes bearing onions, singing Maurice Chevalier songs... no, hang on, it was the other kind. You know: hoppitty hoppitty, ribbitt ribbitt...

He also makes a major mistake in his article on Deadly Weapons (1974), the movie in which Chesty Morgan smoothers gangsters with her 73 inch bust. He says :

Chesty Morgan (who also styled herself 'Zsa Zsa', but whose real name was Doris Wishman) not only starred in this film, she also produced and directed it.

I'm not sure how he came to believe that Chesty Morgan and Doris Wishman were the same woman, but they weren't. Wishman had begun making nudist camp movies in 1960, before moving on to sexploition. Chesty Morgan was a stripper who starred in two of her movies. At the time when Healey was writing very little was known about Wishman and most of her films could no longer be seen. Now most of her films are available on DVD and she has even been the subject of academic film criticism. In a way it is a pity Healey didn't know more about Wishman's career as, in his article on the British penis transplant romp Percy (1971), he quotes a critic for The Times who said : ...it would lend itself, for instance, to exploration along the lines of a genital Hands of Orlac.... The Hands of Orlac (1924) was a movie in which a pianist received a hand transplant from a murderer and the hands took on a murderous life of their own. Unbeknownst to Healey, Doris Wishman had already made a genital version of this story a year before Percy. Her The Amazing Transplant (1970) involves a man receiving a penis transplant from a rapist. You can guess the rest.

I don't always agree with Healey on his assessments of films, but that is half the fun of these kinds of books, as well as of those which pick the best movies of all-time. What I look for is someone who writes amusingly and has strong opinions. Healey sometimes has peculiar reasons for picking a film as one of the worst of all time, for instance his argument for the inclusion of the 40 minute short Robert Having His Nipple Pierced (1971), seems to amount to nothing more than his own squeamishness about watching a man have his nipple pierced. I Am Curious (Yellow) (1967) seems to make the list mainly because audiences were misled as to what to expect from the film. The fact that it contained brief sexually explicit scenes attracted audiences who were unprepared for the fact that it is mostly a film about socialist activism.

You will find plenty of the usual suspects covered here - Plan Nine from Outer Space (1959), Robot Monster (1953), They Saved Hitler's Brain (1964), The Creeping Terror (1964), Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman (1958)... - but Healey also brings his British perspective to the table with his coverage of such local obscurities as Gonks Go Beat (1965) and The Cool Mikado (1963).

The stills which illustrate the book are well chosen to give some sense of the delirious absurdity of many of the films.

To finish off I'll quote an anecdote about John Wayne. It sounds unlikely, but it made me smile :

In United Artists' multi-million dollar The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965), John Wayne plays the centurion presiding at the crucifixion. The Duke has only one line to deliver: 'Truly, this man wuz the Son of God.' Legend has it that the line gave Wayne some problem. 'Give it more awe, John!' urged the director, George Stevens. Wayne obliged: 'Aw, truly this man wuz the Son of God.'

[Matthew Davidson · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title tells it all, and despite the nausea-inducing level of writing in the films described, Healey's critiques of these terrible films are quite intelligent, and at times, absolutely hilarious. A few of the extraordinary depths about which you will read: (i) John Wayne cast as Genghis Khan; (ii) Ronald Reagan playing a man whose legs had been amputated in revenge, screaming, "Where's the rest of me?"; (iii) a grimacing tree stump destroying its enemies in the island swamps ; and last but not least, (iv) 10,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 802 sacred bulls!

If you are interested in film history (or are a Bad Film Aficionado), you will take great delight in this book. The only problem is this - having seen a number of, or at least parts of a number of the films it discusses, I can say that this book is infinitely more entertaining than any of the films reviewed could ever be.

[Graham Clayton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tim Healey's book is a funny and entertaining discussion of some of the worst films ever made. Divided into 5 chapters (O Horrible, Most Horrible!, Space Invaders, Action!, Sex Schlockers and Teenbombs), Healey gives short but concise descriptions of some of the worst crimes ever committed to celluloid. While the usual suspects (Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, Robot Monster, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Horrors of Party Beach and The Blob) are mentioned, Healey spreads his net to capture calamities such as 'Robert Getting His Nipple Pierced' and 'Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?'.

The book is full of interesting facts and trivia - James Cameron's directing debut was 'Piranha 2 - Flying Killers', while Hal David and Burt Bacharach wrote the theme song for 'The Blob'.

After reading this book, I watched 'The Thing With Two Heads' on YouTube - one of my more memorable film watching experiences. Highly recommended for anyone with an interest in films or cinema.

[Natasha Cowles · Rating 3 out of 5]

Written in the 80s, this is a collection of short summaries describing some of the worst films made.

A little bit fun with some interesting film trivia, but I definitely wasn’t tempted to watch any of the terrible movies included in this tome.

[Vincenzo Ridente · Rating 5 out of 5]

Your official guide to the worst movies ever made another must to the collection of every movie lover