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88x50: A Memoir of Sexual Discovery, Modern Music and The United States of America
A music school misfit escapes to the highway with a ramshackle recital tour called America 88x50-eighty-eight piano keys by fifty states-winging it from the front seat of his Hyundai and bringing free performances of seldom-heard, modern American music to some of the country's most isolated corners. It's an all-American road trip with a modern music twist, but behind the public facade is a musical Johnny Appleseed desperate to find himself and spiraling into a secret life that could lead just as easily from ultimate self-acceptance to ultimate self-destruction. In this pedal-to-the-metal literary debut, complete with a free online companion offering nearly 200 multimedia features, Adam Tendler takes readers for an unforgettable ride into the classical music odyssey that beat the odds, shaped an artist, and shook this nation one piano at a time.
Adam Tendler thrives on challenge. A virtuoso pianist attracted to the most demanding scores, he performs them from memory. A freelance artist whose fearlessness and nerve has seen him through highwire performances (without a net) at Carnegie Hall, he has shown up in rinky-dink churches from Alabama to Alaska to play modernist American music for 50 small handfuls of ruffians and little old ladies who must have thought they were hearing something like the music of the end of the world as he made his way, usually on a catastrophic, ill-tuned piano, through a program that would challenge even big-city sophisticates and Europeans. Meanwhile he burst out of the closet and transformed himself from music student to world-class artist-and wrote a harrowing, moving, glowing book about it. "88x50" is one of the finest memoirs by any performing artist, and a powerful testament to the great American project of self-invention and mastery. Adam Tendler is an astonishing pianist and a brilliant writer, altogether in a class of his own.--Rick Whitaker, author of An Honest Ghost and Assuming the Position: A Memoir of Hustling
Adam Tendler thrives on challenge. A virtuoso pianist attracted to the most demanding scores, he performs them from memory. A freelance artist whose fearlessness and nerve has seen him through highwire performances (without a net) at Carnegie Hall, he has shown up in rinky-dink churches from Alabama to Alaska to play modernist American music for 50 small handfuls of ruffians and little old ladies who must have thought they were hearing something like the music of the end of the world as he made his way, usually on a catastrophic, ill-tuned piano, through a program that would challenge even big-city sophisticates and Europeans. Meanwhile he burst out of the closet and transformed himself from music student to world-class artist-and wrote a harrowing, moving, glowing book about it. "88x50" is one of the finest memoirs by any performing artist, and a powerful testament to the great American project of self-invention and mastery. Adam Tendler is an astonishing pianist and a brilliant writer, altogether in a class of his own.--Rick Whitaker, author of An Honest Ghost and Assuming the Position: A Memoir of Hustling
- GenresMemoir
244 pages, Paperback
First published December 9, 2013
1 person is currently reading
210 people want to read
About the author
Adam Tendler
3 books16 followers"An exuberantly expressive pianist" who "vividly displayed his enthusiasm for every phrase" (Mark Swed, Los Angeles Times), a “maverick pianist” (The New Yorker), a "modern-music evangelist" (Time Out New York) who "has managed to get behind and underneath the notes... living inside the music and making poetic sense of it all. If they gave medals for musical bravery, dexterity and perseverance, Adam Tendler would earn them all." (Tim Smith, Baltimore Sun) Nominated for the 2012 American Pianists Association Classical Fellowship Award, and a finalist for the 2013 American Prize, Adam Tendler is quickly emerging as one of the country's most prolific and exciting pianists, building an international reputation through unique programming and a grassroots approach to classical music making, working one-on-one with presenters to cut costs and increase access. He first made national headlines with America 88x50, a completely independent recital tour organized from the front seat of his Hyundai that brought free concerts of modern American music to underserved communities in all fifty states. Tendler has gone on to perform in some of classical music’s most distinguished halls and series, and has directed modern music initiatives across the country, serving as an announcer and new music liaison for NPR and Pacifica stations nationwide, direct classical music initiatives across the country, and serve as an announcer and contemporary music liaison for NPR and Pacifica stations nationwide. He is also the founding director of a nightly jazz series at Soho House New York. Since 2007, Tendler has toured with a memorized performance of John Cage’s complete Sonatas and Interludes, including a Symphony Space performance for the Cage100 Festival, listed by New York Magazine as one of the Top 10 Classical Music Events of 2012. An outspoken GLBTQ advocate, he was recently keynote speaker at a Human Rights Campaign event in Boston, and performs regularly for clients at New York’s Gay Men’s Health Crisis Center. He maintains the blog, The Dissonant States, and just published the memoir, 88x50, about coming out and coming-of-age during the America 88x50 tour. Tendler is currently developing an album of music by composer Robert Palmer on the Albany label.
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
July 17, 2022
If you’ve ever dealt with imposter syndrome, stage fright, existential and/or identity crises, this book might be for you.
If you’ve ever graduated from school and not been sure what the next steps of your life will look like, this book might be for you.
If you love American music, and what those two words mean, separately or together, this book might be for you.
I’m continuously amazed at Adam’s ability to be so honest and vulnerable about his struggles and successes from his perspective, and the narration with his own voice is the star of the show. I think I will keep coming back to this book from time to time, because I cannot get enough of his style of writing. It’s intimate, like you’ve known him for a long time, and adds a sense of stage presence that I think is a rare art and a rare find these days.
When I finished the audiobook, Spotify took me directly to pianist recordings…seems likely enough. But when you have the outlook on life that Adam presents here, a slightly self-deprecating humor, an appreciation for things to be what they are, and are getting used to the cadence of a new person’s voice, the experience of listening to something you could have heard a thousand times becomes brand new again.
Thank you, Adam. I hope we can meet someday :)
If you’ve ever graduated from school and not been sure what the next steps of your life will look like, this book might be for you.
If you love American music, and what those two words mean, separately or together, this book might be for you.
I’m continuously amazed at Adam’s ability to be so honest and vulnerable about his struggles and successes from his perspective, and the narration with his own voice is the star of the show. I think I will keep coming back to this book from time to time, because I cannot get enough of his style of writing. It’s intimate, like you’ve known him for a long time, and adds a sense of stage presence that I think is a rare art and a rare find these days.
When I finished the audiobook, Spotify took me directly to pianist recordings…seems likely enough. But when you have the outlook on life that Adam presents here, a slightly self-deprecating humor, an appreciation for things to be what they are, and are getting used to the cadence of a new person’s voice, the experience of listening to something you could have heard a thousand times becomes brand new again.
Thank you, Adam. I hope we can meet someday :)
August 6, 2019
Blog | Twitter | Instagram | Review also found at, with a little more at the start: http://bookgirl.co.vu/post/8365718588...
It’s very, very important to note that Adam Tendler is an extremely talented and thoughtful man. He is an incredible musician (honestly — you guys must check him out. His webpage has performance audio and it’s a must listen!) and he certainly has a knack for writing clear memories that maintain something special. His writing, his story, has heart.
And he’s even provided us with notes within the book that will direct us to various songs performed as well as photos of his travels, which makes reading his story all the more enjoyable.
As he begins his tour, you’ll root for his success. For the longest time, he didn’t quite believe in himself no matter who sent him their compliments. Which is something everyone, musician or not, can relate to. You’ll begin to crave that adventure in touring the United States and begin to believe that you, too, can set out to accomplish something similar.
It’s nearly impossible to not relate to his thoughts, his insecurities, and by the end of his memoir, you’re going to find yourself loving him. And because of his ability to express these memories on paper for us to read, you’ll feel as though you’ve come to know him on some personal level that many authors struggle with while penning their novels. Most importantly, by the time he finishes his tour, you’ll feel pride in him. Pride in him finishing his tour, pride in him for his growth as a person and pride in him for sharing this gift of music with people who perhaps had not known about the songs he’d shared before seeing him.
Adam Tendler tells us a story that is desperately needed within the literature world and I do hope for his success to elevate; that his book gets the recognition it deserves. Because truly, stories like his are important. He is an important, genuine voice that needs to be heard.
It sparked something in me that was needed and I’m sure that the more people who see it, the more it will do the same. It inspired me to keep trying with my music, to not give up on it.
Because of all he expresses in 88x50, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re doing in life, this will stir something in you. Whether you’ve just graduated from high school or college or are at another crossroads in your life, this book is something you can’t miss.
It’s very, very important to note that Adam Tendler is an extremely talented and thoughtful man. He is an incredible musician (honestly — you guys must check him out. His webpage has performance audio and it’s a must listen!) and he certainly has a knack for writing clear memories that maintain something special. His writing, his story, has heart.
And he’s even provided us with notes within the book that will direct us to various songs performed as well as photos of his travels, which makes reading his story all the more enjoyable.
As he begins his tour, you’ll root for his success. For the longest time, he didn’t quite believe in himself no matter who sent him their compliments. Which is something everyone, musician or not, can relate to. You’ll begin to crave that adventure in touring the United States and begin to believe that you, too, can set out to accomplish something similar.
It’s nearly impossible to not relate to his thoughts, his insecurities, and by the end of his memoir, you’re going to find yourself loving him. And because of his ability to express these memories on paper for us to read, you’ll feel as though you’ve come to know him on some personal level that many authors struggle with while penning their novels. Most importantly, by the time he finishes his tour, you’ll feel pride in him. Pride in him finishing his tour, pride in him for his growth as a person and pride in him for sharing this gift of music with people who perhaps had not known about the songs he’d shared before seeing him.
Adam Tendler tells us a story that is desperately needed within the literature world and I do hope for his success to elevate; that his book gets the recognition it deserves. Because truly, stories like his are important. He is an important, genuine voice that needs to be heard.
It sparked something in me that was needed and I’m sure that the more people who see it, the more it will do the same. It inspired me to keep trying with my music, to not give up on it.
Because of all he expresses in 88x50, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re doing in life, this will stir something in you. Whether you’ve just graduated from high school or college or are at another crossroads in your life, this book is something you can’t miss.
March 20, 2014
Brave is the word that comes to mind.
Brave for having the guts to take off on this journey. Brave for the music and desire to share lesser known repertoire.
And above all, brave for sharing his life, fears, and loves with us. His accompanying blog adds a great deal of insight to his writing.
Brave for having the guts to take off on this journey. Brave for the music and desire to share lesser known repertoire.
And above all, brave for sharing his life, fears, and loves with us. His accompanying blog adds a great deal of insight to his writing.
August 26, 2014
Courageous and moving: thumbs up.
February 14, 2014
I would not call this a literary masterpiece, but even thinking about writing that makes me feel like an asshole. You can't help but love this criminally engaging writer or his motives, you really can't. Tendler comes across in these pages as incredibly open, kind, and genuine. You root heartily and unabashedly for him to succeed (onstage and off-), and he is very pleasant, vibrant company along the way.
It helps that his America 88x50 project is so very compelling, not only in its premise -- small town America deserves access to a breadth of art as much as (if not more than) big city America -- but in its successful execution. Tendler takes his program of difficult, anguished, ravaged modern music on the road just as Hurricane Katrina and the Bush White House lay waste to great swathes of our country. Small-town "folks" everywhere seem to connect -- it seems almost viscerally -- to this troubled emotion in the music (and in Tendler's interpretation of it, informed by his own personal anguish about his identity), and although it may not be written in the most sophisticated way, it's an emotional, brilliant, and beautiful moment to read about and experience with Tendler.
I love this book less as a piece of writing and more because its existence is so wonderful and needed. The fact that there are people like Tendler in the world who genuinely want to make the world a better place through art and don't compromise themselves or their ideas to do it -- and succeed! -- is worth more than any star rating anyone could dream up.
I saw Tendler in concert shortly after America 88x50 ended (performing the incredibly difficult John Cage Sonatas & Interludes from memory), and the enthusiasm and skill he displays on these pages is only a fraction of what he displays onstage. And true to form, Tendler has made a recording of his performance of this set of pieces available for free download online: http://dissonantstates.com/post/15467...
It helps that his America 88x50 project is so very compelling, not only in its premise -- small town America deserves access to a breadth of art as much as (if not more than) big city America -- but in its successful execution. Tendler takes his program of difficult, anguished, ravaged modern music on the road just as Hurricane Katrina and the Bush White House lay waste to great swathes of our country. Small-town "folks" everywhere seem to connect -- it seems almost viscerally -- to this troubled emotion in the music (and in Tendler's interpretation of it, informed by his own personal anguish about his identity), and although it may not be written in the most sophisticated way, it's an emotional, brilliant, and beautiful moment to read about and experience with Tendler.
I love this book less as a piece of writing and more because its existence is so wonderful and needed. The fact that there are people like Tendler in the world who genuinely want to make the world a better place through art and don't compromise themselves or their ideas to do it -- and succeed! -- is worth more than any star rating anyone could dream up.
I saw Tendler in concert shortly after America 88x50 ended (performing the incredibly difficult John Cage Sonatas & Interludes from memory), and the enthusiasm and skill he displays on these pages is only a fraction of what he displays onstage. And true to form, Tendler has made a recording of his performance of this set of pieces available for free download online: http://dissonantstates.com/post/15467...
September 1, 2014
A breeze of a read, this episodic hero's journey takes the unassuming protagonist through layers of self-reflection and self-doubt as he traverses the United States several times over. Rich with links to web content that add both depth and credence to Tendler's saga, this book would appeal to a wide audience of readers. Having the courage to mount a one-man roadshow is nothing compared to the fortitude necessary to complete a meandering, gruelling journey that, at any moment, offered its traveler an excuse to quit or feel defeated. I connected with this story and its descriptions of the small-town American towns road-trippers stumble upon, and through.
I do, however, have a few complaints to lodge... while an author always writes from their own perspective, I found the few-and-far-between racial descriptors of people along Tendler's journey to be abrupt and unnecessary characterizations. His 88x50 mission, so it would seem, was to engage with American cultural diversity, but I do not personally feel that came through in this memoir of a white boy. Furthermore, and I do mean this in the most literal way possible, the book sometimes reads something like a masturbatory pony show. I suppose the oft-quoted local fandom does help to offset all of the negative self-talk, but the author never really arrives at a conclusion to that search for self-confidence. Also, and I know this it bitchy, but the work "principle" on pg. 182 should read "principal."
Overall, I did enjoy the book. Tendler's pursuit of artistic self-confidence is inextricably tied to his coming-out story, and his 88x50 tour clearly gave him the head-space and perspective to explore his sexuality. While an uneven read and, at times, taking side-trips with annoying and disorienting abruptness, one might say the very structure and voice of the book mirrors a stint on the American highway system. In reality, the 88x50 concept was a massive undertaking for which I respect the author deeply.
I do, however, have a few complaints to lodge... while an author always writes from their own perspective, I found the few-and-far-between racial descriptors of people along Tendler's journey to be abrupt and unnecessary characterizations. His 88x50 mission, so it would seem, was to engage with American cultural diversity, but I do not personally feel that came through in this memoir of a white boy. Furthermore, and I do mean this in the most literal way possible, the book sometimes reads something like a masturbatory pony show. I suppose the oft-quoted local fandom does help to offset all of the negative self-talk, but the author never really arrives at a conclusion to that search for self-confidence. Also, and I know this it bitchy, but the work "principle" on pg. 182 should read "principal."
Overall, I did enjoy the book. Tendler's pursuit of artistic self-confidence is inextricably tied to his coming-out story, and his 88x50 tour clearly gave him the head-space and perspective to explore his sexuality. While an uneven read and, at times, taking side-trips with annoying and disorienting abruptness, one might say the very structure and voice of the book mirrors a stint on the American highway system. In reality, the 88x50 concept was a massive undertaking for which I respect the author deeply.
July 8, 2014
Short, snapshots of this pianist's road trip around the 50 states in America, attempting to bring modern, American classical music to the masses. Full of self-depreciating humour, battling on in spite of little organisation, and being confronted with his sexuality which, as one character in the book remarks, is not just in the closet but in a vault!
Perhaps one of the central questions arising is the insecurity facing every musician. Ever aware of our own limitations, are we merely pretending, acting the part, deceiving our audiences? Are we "real" musicians yet? What determines that and how would we know? For Mr Tendler, maybe it was settled by the wet dream he had on tour in which he climaxed to the cacophony of car horns!
Does this haphazard tour happen, does anyone show up to listen to his music, what does it all mean, is he able to accept his sexuality, meet real people outside of the estrangement of online chat rooms, find love, be able to orgasm without fear it will interfere with the tension of performance? At the end of it, can he qualify as a real musician? These are the questions that lead us onward in the accident prone, humour infested journey that is 88x50!
Ultimately it is the enacting itself, the living of the experience, that creates meaning and purpose and the move towards "becoming". The sincerity and authenticity of the project is what seemed to effect those who witnessed the performances and these are universal messages I took away from this book.
Perhaps one of the central questions arising is the insecurity facing every musician. Ever aware of our own limitations, are we merely pretending, acting the part, deceiving our audiences? Are we "real" musicians yet? What determines that and how would we know? For Mr Tendler, maybe it was settled by the wet dream he had on tour in which he climaxed to the cacophony of car horns!
Does this haphazard tour happen, does anyone show up to listen to his music, what does it all mean, is he able to accept his sexuality, meet real people outside of the estrangement of online chat rooms, find love, be able to orgasm without fear it will interfere with the tension of performance? At the end of it, can he qualify as a real musician? These are the questions that lead us onward in the accident prone, humour infested journey that is 88x50!
Ultimately it is the enacting itself, the living of the experience, that creates meaning and purpose and the move towards "becoming". The sincerity and authenticity of the project is what seemed to effect those who witnessed the performances and these are universal messages I took away from this book.
December 30, 2019
What's it like to tour fifty states as a solo pianist? Tendler recounts his amazing, sometimes harrowing, journey through the ups and downs of touring, from playing in concert halls on finely tuned instruments, to church basements and rec halls on ancient uprights. From being temporarily locked out of concert venues to enduring rainstorms in a tent, he perseveres, along with making slow moves toward coming out, finding a range of sexual encounters, good and bad, plus suffering from colitis problems. This is no ordinary tour.
Tendler performed modern American music, some pieces with a dissonance unfamiliar to his audiences. Yet he finds new and devoted fans, gets a bit of local media coverage, despite having no tour manager to assist him. Surprisingly appreciative audiences include rural elders and Katrina-surviving families and children.
Having toured with dance companies (decades ago) and read at dozens of bookstores, I empathized greatly with the problems and pleasures he encountered. But more, his growth is fascinating to watch, from a closeted nervous self-doubter to a relieved artist who can appreciate his ambitious accomplishment.
Check out the digital edition for links to music excerpts and photos of the pianos and venues where he played.
Tendler performed modern American music, some pieces with a dissonance unfamiliar to his audiences. Yet he finds new and devoted fans, gets a bit of local media coverage, despite having no tour manager to assist him. Surprisingly appreciative audiences include rural elders and Katrina-surviving families and children.
Having toured with dance companies (decades ago) and read at dozens of bookstores, I empathized greatly with the problems and pleasures he encountered. But more, his growth is fascinating to watch, from a closeted nervous self-doubter to a relieved artist who can appreciate his ambitious accomplishment.
Check out the digital edition for links to music excerpts and photos of the pianos and venues where he played.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews