When Loving Your Kid is a Crime: Parents of Transgender Children Speak Out

by Riki Anne Wilchins, Clare Howell (Editor)

In 2018, transgender teens in all 50 states could freely be prescribed hormones and blockers, legally change their names and pronouns , and play in gender-appropriate school sports. No one cared. But before the year was out, terror would come.

The evangelical Christian right —enraged and vengeful from a long series of legal defeats—was seeking an issue to reignite its endless war on homosexuality. In just a few years, over 1,000 anti-trans bills would be introduced into state legislatures nationwide, as the names, pronouns, genders, and bodies of a few thousand children were transformed virtually overnight into an issue of state concern, and animus towards them an integral fiber in the evangelical Christian right’s tribal identity.

Terrified parents of transgender children found themselves suddenly under investigation, threatened with charges of felony child abuse, in danger of imprisonment, and fearing the loss of their children to state foster care, began fleeing their home states. They were part of huge wave of internal political refugees unknown in the U.S. since the terrible days of chattel slavery, and in their wake they left behind their homes, careers, extended families, pensions, and life savings as they streamed across state lines in search of safety for their transgender children.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT

146 pages, Paperback

Published September 28, 2023

About the author

Riki Wilchins is an activist whose work has focused on the impact of gender norms. While she started out as a transgender leader -- founding the first national transgender advocacy group (GenderPAC) -- her analysis and work broadened over time to include discrimination and violence regardless of individuals' identity. While this perspective has been widely accepted, its breadth has provoked criticism by some in the transgender community. Wilchins' work and writing has often focused on youth, whom she not only sees as uniquely vulnerable to the gender system's pressures and harm, but whom she sees as capable of "looking with fresh eyes." Wilchins' work has been instrumental in bringing transgender rights into the mainstream LGBT movmement, and has helped bring awareness of the impact of gender norms to a wider audience. In 2001, Wilchins' work resulted in her being selected one of just six community activists named by TIME Magazine among its "100 Civic Innovators for the 21st Century."

A founding member of Camp Trans, since the mid-1990s Wilchins has been highly active in founding a number of organizations and events focused on gender issues, including:

The Transexual Menace, the first large direct action group for transgender rights, which was modeled along the lines of Queer Nation and which at one point boasted representatives in 40+ cities (co-founder Denise Norris).
Hermaphrodites With Attitude, the first direct action group for the intersex (co-founder Cheryl Chase, Executive Director of the ISNA, the Intersex Society of North America).
NYC Gay Community Center Gender Identity Project (co-founder Dr. Barbara Warren, Dir. of Social Services).
NYC Gay Community Center Transgender Health Empowerment Conference, an annual event (co-founder Dr. Barbara Warren, Dir. of Social Services).
Camp Trans, an annual educational event outside the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival that contests the exclusion of anyone who is not deemed a "womyn-born womyn" (co-founders Janice Walworth, Nancy Jean Burkholder).
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (co-founder Susan Wright, its first Exec. Dir.)
National Gender Lobby Day, an annual event on Capitol Hill (co-founder Phyllis Frye).

In 1995 Wilchins founded the Gender Public Advocacy Coalition GenderPAC, a tax-exempt organization focused on gender rights issues. GenderPAC originally focused on the transgender community, but gradually broadened its focus to include anyone who suffered discrimination or violence because of their gender identity or gender expression. GenderPAC described its mission as the creation of "classrooms, communities, and workplaces [that] are safe for everyone to learn, grow, and succeed - whether or not they meet expectations for masculinity and femininity."

In late 1999, the organization was incorporated and received tax-exempt status. In 2009 it rebranded and relaunched as a new organization, effectively ceasing operations as GenderPAC. While GenderPAC's Executive Director, Wilchins helped dozens of corporations as diverse as IBM, JP Morgan Chase, and Citigroup, as well as major funders like the Arcus and Gill Foundations to expand their employment non-discrimination policies to include gender identity and gender expression. GenderPAC's Congressional Non-Discrimination Pledge eventually had almost 200 sponsors, including both Republicans and US Senators. She helped compile and publish the GENIUS (Gender Equality National Index for Universities & Schools) Index, which rated and ranked schools' adoption of gender identity protections. During her watch, GenderPAC also launched the GenderYOUTH Network, which eventually supported student groups at 100+ schools in creating safer and friendlier environments for those who were gender non-conforming on their own campuses.

With help from researcher Emilia Lombardi, GenderPAC compiled and published the "1st National Survey of TransViolence," based on surveys provided by more than 500.

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 stars.
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for allowing me to read an ARC of this book.

This book was a very fast read and quite interesting to read. Did expect a little bit more from it when I started reading this book, but maybe I didn't read the description properly... Would still recommend it to other people tho!

[K.C. Norton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, it's super depressing how this book as gotten MORE, rather than less, relevant since its publication.

My primary, and perhaps only, complaint is the editing. I'm unclear if these were audio interviews or if they were written by the people being interviewed, but I think these narrative could have been edited for grammar and punctuation without compromising their integrity.

For me, this book was hardly a revelation, since I volunteer for an organization where I read mass batches of personal narratives of trans folks seeking care. That said, this would be a great book for a parent of a trans kid, or just someone who wants to better understand the issues faced by families with trans children, particularly in red states. One thing I found personally fascinating was how some of the parents didn't know the "correct" terminology (in terms of the kinds of linguistic corrections that I've heard within the community) but would still go ten toes down for their kid. In some cases, these stories were heartbreaking, because of the social cost. The state has been intentionally attacking trans folks for the better part of a decade now, but the negative responses from family members are so personal and painful.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the post-publication review copy of this book.

[KA Vickers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was exactly what I wanted and expected when I went into this book. Emotional stories from parents of transgender children talking about how the changes that have come in in recent years have affected their lives and how they are trying to support their children through all the obstacles. Some of which are their own families..

These stories reflect many that I've heard myself from parents in my social circle, even though I'm UK and this is a US based book. Many of these experiences are very similar to what I know parents go through here.

If you don't know much about what's happening with regards to transgender people at the moment, or even if you do but you want to know more about what it's like for those who are involved in the lives of a transgender/non binary person then this could be for you. It's short and very to the point. There are some sad stories but every one of them has hope.

The opening dedication was heartbreaking for me though.

I am very much of the belief that it's up to me to educate myself, a trans person shouldn't have to answer all my questions. They have other things to do. This book is a very good starting point.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

While this book did have a variety of situations, there were also some issues with editing that made it a bit of a struggle. I did appreciate the optimism from each of the families, There is hope out there for parents of trans kids, there are other families out there who are in the same situations. It also serves as a platform for educating readers about exactly what families go through just so their children can live their lives. Including more stories with additional varied voices (or updates to the existing stories) would be great to see in future editions.

(I received an advance reader copy of this title via NetGalley in exchange for my honest review. My thanks to NetGalley, the author, and publisher!)

[LaShanda Chamberlain · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a collection of stories from parents of trans teens, sharing their experiences of their children coming out and how their lives changed afterward. It’s an emotional read—heartbreaking and devastating, but also full of love and honesty. With every story, I became more frustrated by how outsiders have meddled in these families’ lives, often with shocking cruelty and a complete lack of empathy. It’s infuriating, unfair, and a clear reminder that there’s still so much work to do.

Despite the difficult moments, this book is a powerful reminder of resilience, love, and the importance of standing up for what’s right. It’s a must-read for anyone seeking to better understand the experiences of trans teens and their families, and I highly recommend it.

A special thanks to NetGalley, the author, and the publisher for the opportunity to read this advanced copy.

[Stephanie Givre · Rating 5 out of 5]

"What are you supposed to say when your kid tells you he's trans, so you don't screw him up for life?"

This book is a collection of parents of trans teens sharing their experiences concerning their teens 'coming out' and how life changed afterward.

I picked this book off NetGalley because I am a parent of a trans teen and I wanted to see how other parents handled things. Obviously as parents, we're just trying to do what's best for our kids and I think this book is nice for showcasing acceptance.

[Kasi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This book is terrifying and maddening and devastating and beautiful and shocking. I feel naive to say that I am surprised by some of these stories. They are beautiful acts of love and commitment to family. These people are true warriors. I aspire to be as brave and warrior-like as a parent as they are. We need more people like these parents in this world.

Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher, and author, for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Lily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This short book packs a serious punch in its interviews with parents and their transgender children that highlight the challenges transgender youth in America face today. Wilchins and Howell have compiled a list of powerful young transgender people from across the United States who were willing and brave enough to share their stories with the world, and these young people are incredibly brilliant, powerful, wise beyond their years, and so, so, brave. The world that these young people live in is brutal, and they and their parents articulate their efforts in the face of these struggles, emphasizing how much work needs to be done for these young adults and for countless young transgender people like them in the United States and perhaps around the world. Wilchins and Howell have done a magnificent job in curating these interviews and connecting so many stories together to create another larger narrative. This book is a powerful must-read for all ages to understand the current political and social climate in the United States towards the transgender community and become better activists and allies for this historically marginalized community. When Loving Your Kid is a Crime is an incredible, powerful book with a strong, clear message.

Thanks to NetGalley, Riverdale Avenue Books, and Magnus Lit for the advance copy.