Beyond Ethnic Loneliness: The Pain of Marginalization and the Path to Belonging

by Prasanta Verma

"So what are you? Go back where you belong!" Majority white American culture has historically marginalized people of color, who at times feel invisible and alienated and at other times are traumatized by oppression and public discrimination. This reality leads to a particular kind of ethnic and racial loneliness. An Indian American immigrant who grew up in white Southern culture, Prasanta Verma names and sheds light on the realities of ethnic loneliness. She unpacks the exhausting effects of cultural isolation, the dynamics of marginalization, and the weight of being other. In the midst of disconnection and erasure, she points to the longing to belong, the need to share our stories, and the hope of finding safe friendships and community. Our places of exile can become places where we find belonging―to ourselves, to others, and to God.

Genres: Nonfiction, Cultural, Faith, Christian, Audiobook, Christian Living

224 pages, Paperback

Published April 16, 2024

Reviews

[Kirsten Fong]

reading this again as a study but for the first run through: very, very good. this perfectly balanced allowing the culturally-different (or even culturally-confused) reader (me) to feel seen & understood while stirring my heart for deeper action. these topics have numerous nuances to them and this book sheds light on each one with grace. thankful for this wisdom in my own in-betweenness, to say the least.

[Komal Aldridge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond Ethnic Loneliness is beautifully written with Prasanta incorporating personal stories to share what it was and is like as an immigrant growing up in the U.S. Beyond defining and describing ethnic and racial loneliness, Prasanta offers solutions so that we can all find hope in feeling connected and heard and loved.

[Rohadi · Rating 5 out of 5]

More and more books are finally being published that provide BIPOC folks language to name our collective experience. This book will help the reader find their path towards belonging and liberation.

[Theresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

"In this both/and existence, we live in the tension of joy and sorrow, life and death.We live in a paradox, according to author Marlena Graves, where 'the way up is down.' The last will be made first (Mt 19:30), to live we must die (Mt 16:25), weakness is where we find strength (2 Cor 12:10), and we gain by losing (Phil 3:7-8). What does this mean for the ethnic minority and what does it mean for ethnic loneliness? Perhaps it suggests our very hope and healing come from the places we least expect: from the margins of our lives, from the places and identities pushed to the edges.

Perhaps 'there are years that ask questions, and years that answer,' as author Zora Neale Hurston wrote, and we’ll find answers as we travel the path of loneliness."

This quote speaks to the core of Prasanta Verma's new book, Beyond Ethnic Loneliness. When I first started reading, I ultimately was hoping to find something that spoke to my experiences growing up and helped me to "overcome" feelings of loneliness. But her book did so much more than that. Through her personal experiences and her well researched references, Verma begins by identifying all the ways that immigrants and immigrant families experience ethnic loneliness and the effects of it, especially how it can affect our identity and sense of belonging.

What I appreciate most about Verma's book is that it doesn't just leave you with this researched information. Part two incorporates insightful and practical solutions that organizations and churches can implement to build community and a sense of belonging.

I finished this book with a sense of hope. As difficult as it may be, I can sit in the in- between and still find belonging.

Please note: this book isn't just for people of color or immigrants or those familiar with Verma's experiences. This book provides such rich information and reflection that everybody will benefit from.

[Helena Pugh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a beautiful and insightful book! Prasanta Verma offers little tidbits of her life throughout the book while referencing a wholeeee bunch of other sources- ie. other authors, statistics, snippets of poetry etc. I think this is a great example of someone who is passionate about what they are writing and sharing knowledge with others as much as they can! I found this book really impactful and look forward to checking out some other books Verma suggested!😊 Easy 5 starssss

[Persis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond Ethnic Loneliness is a beautifully written and perceptive book about:

- What it’s like to be an ethnic/racial minority in a world that is often unwelcoming
- How our lives straddle multiple cultures that we constantly switch between
- That we carry the tension of invisibility and hyper visibility
- The toll this marginalization takes on our bodies and psyches
- And how to move toward belonging

While Verma’s experience is unique, I’ve been through similarly painful situations as an Asian-American, memories I am still addressing in therapy. She gave voice to many things I’ve kept under wraps. I felt seen and validated. I wasn’t the only one. So I strongly recommend this book especially for BIPOC readers. You will find empathy and encouragement in these pages.

I also recommend the audio version. It definitely adds depth to have the author read her own words about her own story in her own voice.

[Paola Barrera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful book. A treasure trove of insight. With vulnerability, humor, and research Verma shares her experience as a child of immigrants raised in the United States since she was a baby. This formative experience frames a deep dive into the loneliness it creates when someone is from a place where they can’t seem to belong yet it’s where they call home. She deftly creates the context and language for the reader to see and hear faces and voices easily ignored because they look or sound different. Excellent resource, wonderful read.

[Jenai Auman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond Ethnic Loneliness is a book that helps the unseen and forgotten feel known and heard. Prasanta has a beautiful way of combining storytelling with information and data that helps us all see a better way to belonging.

[Tanusha Attanti · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gonna be processing this one for a good bit. Ask me about it if you want my thoughts!

[Kendra Broekhuis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond Ethnic Loneliness is a beautiful book! Author Prasanta Verma begins by gifting us the term “ethnic loneliness” to articulate an experience readers will either know personally or are wanting to learn more about. I love the way Verma vulnerably shared about her own experiences as an Indian American immigrant who grew up in the rural South. She also weaves in robust research throughout her reflections that highlight the realities of ethnic loneliness and its many negative effects.

Verma doesn’t simply highlight the problem, though. She also offers practical insight for individuals, communities, and churches to ponder and implement as they combat ethnic loneliness. I loved her original poetry and list of thoughtful questions at the end of each chapter too. Verma is a gifted writer, and Beyond Ethnic Loneliness helps readers dialogue about race beyond Black and white to think about the global Body of Christ. This is a book that ministers, welcomes, teaches, and offers hope!

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have long admired Prasanta Verma's writing, which has always felt hospitable, warm, and genuine to me. In Beyond Ethnic Loneliness, Verma continues her beautiful hospitality and vulnerability without sacrificing or sugar-coating the difficulty of existing in all white spaces as a person from the non-dominant culture.

In each chapter, Prasanta combines personal story, discerning research, and her abiding faith to paint a picture of belovedness and belonging that embraces, rather than erases, our differences. I will be recommending this book to many people.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a wonderful resource to read (and share) because it provides a window into the experience of so many marginalized Americans - and is both thorough and reflective. The author interweaves research gathered through books, interviews and surveys with stories from her own life experience to shed light on the reality of Ethnic Loneliness. She provides a clear and thoughtful path to acknowledging it and moving beyond it, together as a community. As a biracial person in America, so much resonated and affirmed my experience. Highly recommend!

[Rachel J · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond ethnic loneliness was a gentle education about culture, the charged words in this world and their meaning, what it means to be marginalized and standards to live by such as “being human is enough to belong.“ I appreciated Prasanta’s perspective, wisdom and thoughtful storytelling. It is a book I would recommend and I like that she provided thoughtful questions at the end of each chapter for personal reflection and/or Group use.

[Reader Sean Mucci · Rating 5 out of 5]

This Book is a Must for All who desire to learn how embrace one another across ethnic backgrounds.Prasanta clearly addresses the matter and leads us through to a better way to understand one another!!Please Buy and Read!?!

[Courtney Ellis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Important, engaging, and beautifully written. I’m grateful for the clear and gentle lessons Verna offers. This book will make me a better pastor, and I’m so grateful for its kindness and clarity in naming hard things and unpacking them in the light of the Gospel.

[Sarah Masterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Beyond Ethnic Loneliness, Prasanta Verma’s words challenge and inspire. I enjoyed the questions at the end of each chapter and the further resources section at the end as well.

[Tasha Jun · Rating 5 out of 5]

Needed, beautiful, and wise. Prasanta’s wisdom, research, and storytelling are refreshing-Beyond Ethnic Loneliness is a balm and a guide.

[Janumolu · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed the weaving of personal stories, academic concepts, and biblical principles to speak to a shared experience. The tone is personal, not preachy.

[Bob · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: An Indian American immigrant describes the distinctive experience of ethnic loneliness and steps those experiencing that loneliness and those who care for them can take toward healing.

” ‘Go back to Indiana, or wherever it is you came from!’ she hissed.

Imagine you are the little girl whose only memories are growing up in Alabama, whose family immigrated from India. It was a devastating message that the author of this work has never forgotten, even with the mistaken notion that Indian Americans must be from Indiana! She spoke English like an American but looked “different” from others. She found herself asking the question “What am I?” And in living in this place on the margins, it led to a peculiar kind of loneliness–ethnic loneliness. It is the loneliness that Blacks, Indigenous people, Latinos, Africans, Middle East and North Africans and Asian American and Pacific Islanders who live in a White majority country struggle with.

In Part One of the book, Prasanta Verma takes this question of “what are you” and delineates the particular nature of ethnic loneliness. In defining ethnic loneliness, one of the striking aspects to me was its chronic, rather than episodic nature that may be experienced as cultural isolation, lack of connection, identity conflicts, loss of cultural identity, social exclusion, marginalization, language barriers, and integration and assimilation. Verma discusses the experience of disbelonging, being uprooted from a place where one belongs to and with others. She poignantly describes her own struggle where her particular beauty clashed with the dominant white culture–she with dark skin without tanning and dark curly hair. She wrestles with identity theft, being the perpetual foreigner in America and a tourist with an American passport in India.

She shares what it is like to be isolated and othered in a racialized society–the racial stereotypes (in her case, the model Asian) and the microaggressions (“where are you from?” which is asked because of one’s different appearance). There is even the struggle of names–does one choose an American name to fit in, making one a traitor to one’s own ethnicity. She chronicles how ethnic minorities are marginalized in institutions: lack of diversity and representation, cultural insensitivity, discriminatory policies, microaggressions, lack of access, language barriers, and more. She concludes this part with summarizing the experience as one of exile. Throughout, Verma draws on how scripture addresses such loneliness, and here points out how God was with exiled Israel, the despised Samaritans and others on the margins.

Part Two of the book explores what may be done. Her focus is on the ethnically lonely person and a key is moving from disbelonging to belonging.. She begins with the healing of different forms of racial trauma, which she names, as a kind of belonging to oneself. She also encourages finding people to be safe with while also setting healthy boundaries in one’s life. She emphasizes the importance of stories, including reading the stories of others, offering a great bibliography. A good rule in such situations (and especially for majority culture people) is: “Don’t deflect racism/Don’t defend racism/Don’t deny racism.” She discusses the ways individualism and fear create barriers to moving from disbelonging to belonging and offers an extremely helpful list of what churches and community organizations can do. Her concluding chapter describes living in the already/not yet of longing for “the better country” of Hebrews 11:13-16–the loneliness that opens us up to the beauty of community, the glimpses and the long haul to see the changes we dream of.

At the end of each chapter (along with questions and a writing prompt) is an answer in verse to the question “So, What are you?” which are wonderful meditations allowing the chapter’s truth to sink deeply into one’s life. Here is the one from the final chapter:

SO, WHAT ARE YOU?

You are beloved
You are not invisible
You are whole
You are wanted
You are seen
You are loved
Just the way you are
You belong to yourself
You belong to others
You belong to God
So, what are you?
You are a gift of joy
You eat at the table
Of belonging
You are a Home
Of belonging
To others
And yourself

Prasanta Verma addresses hard realities of loneliness and trauma with stories of her own life and those of others. She offers biblical re-framing and practical suggestions wrapped in beautiful rhythmic prose and verse. This is an important book not only for those who struggle with ethnic loneliness but for any who care enough to want to understand and accompany those who struggle. And I can’t help but wonder if the insights and practices in this book, if applied, might also begin to address the larger loneliness pervading our society.

____________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

[Josh Olds · Rating 5 out of 5]

I grew up in a small, rural town in Indiana. I remember once my mom saying that she thought it was a small town without much racism when she was growing up: “We all loved [the only non-white person in her high school]. He was the class president!” My life was one of being firmly in the majority—to the point that diversity really wasn’t much of a thing. Then I grew up and became a pastor at a Chinese Church. Suddenly, I was the minority. And wow could it be lonely.

Now, let’s be clear: My experience as a majority culture person in a minority culture space is not comparable to the opposite. What I experienced within my church was the experience of many of my church’s members at every hour of their public lives except for the ones spent within the church. I always had the privilege of walking outside of my church and being in the majority culture once again. While my experience was in no way comparable to that of those in my church, it opened my eyes to the reality of ethnic loneliness. And the thought became if this is how I feel with all of the privileges I retain, how must it be for those who are navigating a completely new culture and language as a person of color?

In Beyond Ethnic Loneliness, Prasanta Verma accomplishes something similar. She uses her own story to make readers—of both majority and minority cultures—aware of ethnic loneliness and give language to the often-nebulous feelings that can arise from such loneliness. She pinpoints ethnic loneliness as a result of cultural isolation, a conflict with or loss of cultural identity, marginalization and assimilation, or language barriers. Minority culture peoples are often told—implicitly or explicitly—that they need to fit into the majority culture. Majority cultural wants diversity, but not multiculturalism. To be included, to be part of the majority community, to alleviate loneliness, one must lay aside their cultural values—the way they look, the foods they eat, the values they hold.

Beyond Ethnic Loneliness has two audiences and it reaches each one magnificently: To the majority culture individual, Verma’s poetic and compelling narrative is one of education and realization. She places readers in the shoes of a young woman born in India and speaks of the world through her experience, giving readers a perspective they might not otherwise ever see. To the minority culture individual, Verma’s writing is one of solidarity and encouragement: you are not alone in these feelings, you can find belonging without sacrificing your identity, there is a path beyond this ethnic loneliness.

I was especially moved by a story she told about her parents returning to India to visit family after several years away. When visiting the Taj Mahal, they were told to pay the tourist price rather than the price for Indian citizens, as they held a US passport. Too Indian to fully belong in the US, but too American to fully belong in India. A perpetual foreigner. That can be the experience of many, particularly second-generation immigrants who struggle with where they fit in—with the answer often feeling like they don’t firmly fit in either place.

The final chapters of the Beyond Ethnic Loneliness take us toward a solution. This solution isn’t easy. It requires boldness. But a truly inclusive community is possible. The marginalized do not need to assimilate into toxic cultures that refuse to recognize their identity; rather, they must seek out or create inclusive, multicultural communities that do the difficult work of creating belonging for all. Near the end, she writes “if loneliness is the condition of our modern age, then we can follow it back to God, back to each other, and ourselves.” In other words, our loneliness is indicative of a craving for community. It is a calling back to the acceptance of our true selves and the true selves of others

Beyond ethnic loneliness is a magnificent work. With passion and clarity, Verma gives voice to a quieted minority. As a pastor, reading this in light of what this might mean for a church community, I see a clear and compelling way forward to a truly inviting, inclusive community. To those unaware (or avoiding), Verma removes the blinders and lovingly reveals to us the harm that has been done. To those aware (or experiencing), she offers community and companionship. To both, she offers a hand-in-hand path forward out of loneliness and towards a togetherness that values the experiences and identities of all people.

[Prasanta Verma · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am the author of this book and am leaving a review of my own book. I've noticed a few other authors doing this and I hesitated for a long time. But it's the last day of the year, and I thought why not? But one of the biggest reasons I am doing so is that after multiple attempts, I have been unsuccessful in creating an Author Page here on Goodreads as they say they can't verify that I'm the author, despite me reaching out, changing my email address, offering my publisher's email address, etc. I had wanted to engage as author with readers but alas, it has not been possible yet, so I will leave my review here and look forward to engaging through comments or other ways. : )

This is my first published book. I mostly write nonfiction (and a little poetry). In some ways, this book was developing for years, as it is part of my life experience until now. But I couldn't have written this book 10 or 20 years ago. It has taken time to develop, seep, marinate and I needed time to get to the point where I could write it. And I suspect that 10 years from now, the book would still look different, as we grow and change and learn. But the heart of the message would remain the same.

Why am I giving myself 5 stars? Well, I toggled between 4 and 5. As an avid reader, I like to review others' books and in my mind I consider the ratings, though I don't leave a rating or review for every single book I read. I know that for me, this is the best book I could possibly have written at this time. I researched by reading over 40 books and numerous articles, and spent hours and hours writing and rewriting, and I think it is a good book.

If you are a writer, if you are like me, you are probably also looking at your own writing with a critical eye and finding things you could have done better or wish you had perhaps said a different way. So I admit I do this. I don't do it to kick myself (though sometimes I do kick myself) but more often it's a learning experience so I can improve for next time. To be honest, though, when I look back at this book, I think to myself: "Wow! I wrote that? I wrote that!" And when I listened to it, I had the same response: "Wow! I wrote that, and I like it!"

The subject matter, too, is one that I find evergreen, as long as we are who we all are in this world. We are all seeking to belong, to fit in. Most of us have felt like the outsider at some point in our lives. And we all find ourselves feeling lonely at one time or another, for one reason or another. These experiences are part of our human existence. It helps to name them, and consider them, and learn what we can do about them, specifically in this case, the idea of ethnic loneliness. What is it, and why is it? I seek to explain those concepts in my book, and talk about what it means to belong, as someone who has sometimes felt like an outsider.

Many folks have told me how this book helped, touched them, and enabled them to love and understand others better. If this book has helped in some small or big ways, or helped a reader feel like they belong, or offered language to name one's own experience, than the book has done what it sought to do. Sometimes, indeed, in the case of writing, the pen seems to have a mind of its own and ideas will flow a certain way-and I felt this way at times with this book. Sometimes the book writes itself, and at times, I felt that about this book.

So, here it is. A book which came from my mind, soul, and heart. I hope you read it. I hope you like it. Thank you, dear readers, for spending time with these words. I'm grateful.

[Marie Chan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Growing up as an ethnic minority in my neighborhood, I didn't really have a way to express the feelings of being on the margins and feeling tentative about being my whole self. Beyond Ethnic Loneliness articulates and gives voice to those who feel like a "perpetual foreigner" and long for belonging. Prasanta coins the term "ethnic loneliness" and pinpoints the pain of isolation, invisibility, hypervisibility, and loss of cultural identity, that I couldn't quite describe as a child. 

Reading Prasanta's personal story made me feel less alone. I can relate to her childhood experiences of feeling hurt, but not quite knowing how to respond in the moment. She authentically shares real struggles of being bicultural and feeling the disconnect between her home and school culture. She summarizes the struggles of immigrant families across generations well. The book feels like a companion for my aching soul that longs for home.

The book is well-written and includes moving prose, poetry, current immigration trends, substantial research, and a broad historical overview of significant events in US history. The text reads smoothly, clearly, and does not sound pedantic, but provides practical ways for communities to build meaningful connections. Prasanta graciously and sensitively provides a balanced perspective, and the reader can observe that she has taken great care in delving deeper into multiple facets of each issue and understands that each ethnic minority group may have unique struggles and points of view. Passages from the Bible are woven in the text to illustrate and illuminate different points. Each chapter ends with a beautiful affirmational poem and reflection questions to help readers process their own journey individually or in a small group. This book is an invitation to find ways to appreciate your cultural and ethnic heritage.

Throughout the book, Prasanta defines and clarifies key terms that are important to know when conversing about race, ethnic identity, and culture. The terms are introduced gently and interspersed in small chunks throughout the book so the reader is not overwhelmed or bogged down by learning too many new words at once. The resource list in the appendix is extensive and useful for further study.

If you have ever felt alienated because of your ethnic identity, I highly recommend reading this book that will give you hope that you area beloved child of God made in God's image; you are seen by a God who loves you and understands your pain. This book will also help you grow in empathy, compassion, and appreciation of diverse people from different backgrounds.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

While balancing the personal with strong research, Prasanta Verma takes us on a walk in her shoes as we read of her Indian American experience growing up in the Southern United States. This thoughtful, lovely book depicts the rich culture she came from along with tragic details about how immigrants are especially vulnerable to loneliness, and how that loneliness effects mental health, physical health, and lifespan. With practical advice, anecdotal offerings, and research, we see other cultures considering it a matter of honor to show great welcome and hospitality to strangers while Western countries fall short. The words and stories pricked my conscious.

One of my favorite sections introduces the natural world’s ability to sense communicate need and danger. Horses distinguish between positive and negative emotions. Mushrooms communicate using electrical impulses. Trees communicate through a complex network of roots. She suggests we might have imperceptible chemical olfactory signals that register loneliness. The author reminds us that in Scripture, we are called “the aroma of Christ”, leading to my favorite line in the book: “I wonder what the scent of community might be.” I wonder the same and highly recommend this book that opened wide my eyes.

[Sherene Joseph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond Ethnic Loneliness takes the reader on a journey through the eyes of an immigrant child growing up in the United States. She dives deep into the struggles, blessings, and funny situations immigrants face as they navigate life in a foreign land.

Any person of colour & any immigrant will find themselves reflected in the pages of this book. She defines the complicated feelings immigrants, people of colour, and outsiders feel as they find their place in a country not of their origin. Living in the liminal space is hard, but this book also reminds the reader that not only can we find a place to belong, but our ethnicity is beautiful, and we are made in God's image. This book will challenge your assumptions while enabling you to walk in the shoes of an outsider.

If you are an immigrant, grab a copy; if you are a person of colour, grab a copy; and if you are part of the majority culture, grab a copy! This book is a must-read!

[Sarah Freymuth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quote:
But in my head, I've been going back ever since, trying to find that place called home.

Such begins Prasanta's beautiful quest to understand home, belonging, and entering into ethnic loneliness.

Prasanta is thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate and full of grace as she explores the pain of marginalization and the path to belonging. She is an empathetic guide who takes us through understanding what ethnic loneliness is, why it hurts, and the paths taken to share our stories for healing and connection. Please read, savor, and consider all the ways Prasanta's words can guide us into a deeper ethnic empathy.

[Luv_bug · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond Ethnic Loneliness has brought me so much comfort on my journey of healing. As a Black woman, I resonated with so many of Prasanta's own experiences even though we're in different ethnic/cultural groups. The spiritual words of encouragement laced throughout and the questions listed at the end of each chapter truly helped me to process and identify areas where healing still needs to take place in my own life.

I would highly recommend this read no matter your ethnic/spiritual background as Prasanta's words and experiences can teach us all how to be more inclusive and loving towards those around us.

[Mrinal Gokhale · Rating 5 out of 5]

In depth exploration and reflection of belonging, loneliness, and identify formation amongst BIPOC living in the United States. Cituing groundbreaking research and her own administered survey, Prasantha balances life experience, spiritual reflection and evidence to emphasize the barriers to human connection in modern times. Every chapter includes meaningful journal prompts and affirming poetry that I suggest delving into when in a highly introspective state. I know I'll be using these prompts in my therapy sessions.

[Katherine Pittman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond Ethnic Loneliness was eye-opening and sobering. The stories within Prasanta’s book knit together not only awareness, but the necessity to talk about it and take action. It’s a must-read both in the world and the Church, as it not only provides data (experiential and research-based) but also biblical parallels. An excellent biblical perspective on immigrants that demonstrates the relevancy of this topic to those familiar with it and those willing to learn.

[Katelyn Dixon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Prasanta Verma's beautifully written, well-researched account opened my eyes to the way language--specifically the terms we use to categorize each other--can be limiting, isolating, and does not tell the full story of a person's life. I was immediately drawn in to her personal story of ethnic loneliness, which increased my desire to show up to conversations about race with a different posture and to lean in instead of opting out. I highly recommend this book.

[April Yamasaki · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read about loneliness, I've read about race and ethnicity, but I've never thought as deeply about ethnic loneliness as Prasanta Verma has in this book. I so appreciate the way she shares from her own experience, her thoughtful observations, reading, and research, with practical ideas for a way forward, and a list of resources and further reading. I've highlighted many phrases, sentences, and full paragraphs that I want to return to. Thank you for a beautiful, helpful book with a lot of heart.