Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade

by James H. Bray, John Kelly

Based on a landmark longitudinal study, the nation's leading expert on stepfamilies reveals his breakthrough findings and offers the first detailed guide to easing the conflicts of stepfamily life and healing the scars of divorce.There are more than twenty million stepfamilies in America.  For most of them, the simple, daily issues that challenge every family are even more anxiety-provoking.  After conducting a comprehensive nine-year-long study funded by the National Institutes of Health, Dr.  James H.  Bray has written an invaluable book that explains why over half of all stepfamilies fail and reveals the strategies that help the others succeed.A stepfamily is assaulted on all sides by difficult and often divisive questions.  How much control should a stepparent have over a stepchild? How much authority should a nonresidential parent exert over a child? How should a difficult former spouse be handled? How does an "ours" baby change the emotional dynamic in a stepfamily? Why is there a lack of "honeymoon effect" during the first years of stepfamily life?The purpose of Stepfamilies is to answer all the important questions of stepfamily life--to fill in the knowledge gaps that undermine so many stepfamilies today and, crucially, to learn the effect of stepfamily life on children.  Based on one of the largest and longest studies of stepfamily life ever conducted, Stepfamilies interweaves the stories of real families to illustrate such study findings as stepfamily has its own natural life cyclea stepfamily takes several years to develop into a family unita stepfamily is at greatest risk during the first two yearsa stepfamily ultimately coalesces into one of three formsa stepfamily must solve four basic tasks in order to succeeda stepfamily can help heal the scars of divorceFilled with emotional, gripping stories, Bray's findings pinpoint the three major transitions in stepfamily life and identify the riskiest issues that can throw a family into crisis.  Bray is the first to identify the several distinct forms that stepfamilies take and to explore which types of stepfamilies are more vulnerable than others and why.  He also describes the natural life cycle of stepfamilies and basic tasks all stepfamilies must undertake to succeed.  With a wealth of insight into the positive effects of remarriage, Bray shows how a loving, well-functioning stepfamily can lessen the trauma of divorce and restore a child's and family's sense of security.Most stepparents remarry with the highest hopes and new resolutions for a better life.  Never before have their unique needs been addressed in depth. Through insightful case studies and practical advice, Stepfamilies reveals how a strong, stable stepfamily is as capable as a nuclear family of nurturing healthy development, of imbuing values, of setting limits and boundaries, and of providing a structure in which rules for living a moral and productive life are transmitted, tested, rebelled against, and ultimately affirmed.  Bray's positive message and fascinating findings--many of which defy intuition--will put stepfamilies on the road to lifelong harmony.

Genres: Nonfiction

290 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 15, 1998

Reviews

[MaryAnne Stear · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really insightful work, with actual long term research and depth into the complexity of step families. Normally you get a lot of generic self help stuff in this category, but these are therapists who took the time to understand on a sociological level as well as a psychological level what goes on when family structure changes.

[Sam Dye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book written by flowing families with step kid problems in and out. Lots of research behind it and the following points I took away:
1. To men affection is physical to children it is verbal, compliments and friendly conversation.
2. Not many one to one correlations in human psychology, but one is that a child who hears a parent attacked thinks in some way he is also being attacked.
3. Another reliable correlation is that the hurt and anger such attacks cause eventually will be acted out in destructive behavior.
4. Studies show that people with deeply held beliefs often assume that other people think like them. Therefore Romantics (one of three types of step-parent other are Matriarchal and Neotraditional) assume their partners have a detailed understanding automatically. They rarely talk about important issues, therefore they don't have discussions that help forge a shared vision. They constantly step on each other's toes. They as a result fight more than the other two types.
5. Best rules for managing teenagers in stepfamilies are:
a. Child is allowed to move freely between families.
b. Parents should avoid fighting in front of child.
c. Parents should observe each others values and rules.
d. Kids are not loose change (there were 4 here this may have been a separate heading)
6. A family conference where teenage motives can be explored is important.

[Allyson]

So far this is an interesting book, if not the best organized. It feels like the author was so immersed in the subject that he forgot to explain some basic principles in the beginning, but these things eventually become clear. The study was focused on families of moms, their children, and the new stepfather (who sometimes had kids of his own) and targetted one child for the study from each family. Bray created three categories of stepfamilies from his data, Neotraditional, Romantic, and Matriarchal. Although all three types sometimes succeed, the Neotraditional is statistically the most successful according to the study. So far the most interesting information I've gotten is that stepfamilies across the board tend to be on shaky ground for the first 6 months - 2 years, a transitional period that can test the marriage severely.

[Brandi · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you belong to a blended or stepfamily this book is for you. Even when things are not completely f'd up there are a LOT of issues. If you are a teacher this book will help you understand all the complexities blended families deal with on a daily basis. This book is based on sound research. Enjoy!

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am learning a lot from this book. The author did a case study and wrote this book based on the study. Being a step-mom myself, this has been a good book to give me advise on what to do and not do.

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting. A bit dry at times (often when not about the study families) but interesting nevertheless given how rarely this topic is discussed and researched! Pondering the impact of growing up with step families and trying to remember different elements and time periods/phases.

[Kris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up looking for some "What to Expect," and I found some useful and interesting information. It's interesting to see the cycles of the stepfamily and the patterns that Dr. Bray outlines.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this and found it helpful in understanding blended family dynamics.