But I Don't See You as Asian: Curating Conversations about Race

by Bruce Reyes-Chow

In "But I Don’t See You as Asian: Curating Conversations About Race" Bruce Reyes-Chow curates a collection of cringe-inducing statements about race such as, “If they can say it, why can't I?" ” "Do you know martial arts?" and “He’s a different kind of Black,” hoping to turn awkward moments into a dialogue between friends.

Sitting in the sweet spot between lectures in academia and activism on the streets, Bruce invites the reader into a salon type of atmosphere where he directly addresses thoughtless words and diversionary tactics, such as dismissing racial discussions as being impolite or avoiding race conversations altogether. He invites the reader to chuckle, gasp, and perhaps nod in understanding as he lists the kinds of statements often used against persons of color in a predominantly white culture. But rather than stopping there, Bruce asks readers to swap shoes with him and reconsider their assumptions about race.

Useful for individual reading, or as a tool for opening group and community discussions, "But I don't see you as Asian" puts one person’s joys and struggles on the table for dissection and discovery.

Genres: Nonfiction, Race, Essays, Cultural, Asian Literature, Contemporary

242 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 1, 2013

About the author

Rev. Bruce Reyes-Chow is an active speaker and writer on topics of faith, culture, race, and technology. He is the host of the podcast, BRC & Friends, and the author of five books. His latest is, “In Defense of Kindness: Why It Matters, How It Changes Our Lives, and How It Can Save the World” (Chalice Press, 2021), and "Everything Good about God is True: Choosing Faith" (Broadleaf Books, 2024)

Bruce has been an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church (USA) since 1995 and has pastored five churches and has been active in local politics in the San Francisco Bay Area for nearly three decades. He is also a Senior Consultant and Coach with Convergence and is a Gallup-Certified CliftonStrengths Coach.

Bruce has an active online presence and can be found on most social networks via @breyeschow with all current links here: https://linktr.ee/breyeschow.

Reviews

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many people in progressive circles talk about the need to have a national conversation on race or for educators/leaders/people in general to become culturally competent, yet few people talk about how to do these things. In this book Bruce Reyes-Chow takes on the highly charged topic of race by addressing ignorant comments often directed toward people of color, such as "Where are you from?" or "I don't mean to be racist, but..." Aiming for language between dense academic discourse and street protest, Bruce offers helpful suggestions for living in a multicultural world. He explains how everyone can listen to each other and make an effort to understand where others are coming from to build community across racial divisions. I liked the book for the same reasons I liked listening to Bruce's sermons (Bruce is the former pastor of the church I attend) or reading his blog: Bruce is an insightful writer who believes that everyone has the power to make the world better and the obligation and ability to make that choice. Thanks to Bruce for writing this book and to Natalie for choosing it for book club. I'm glad I read it.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an accessible, insightful and unique work, which aims to encourage us to undertake a difficult and important journey: to engage in conversation about race. The conversation is more important than ever.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly commend Bruce Reyes-Chow for this clear-eyed, clearly written book on race and the common racial dead-ends in which we find ourselves. It was a quick, entertaining, and informative read, written in a way that allowed me at least to be open and hear more clearly some of my own unhelpful ways of looking at race.

Having brief chapters offering some understanding on the racial tropes we use was incredibly helpful. It would be an excellent resource for group discussion, especially for faith communities, a world Reyes-Chow knows well as a former moderator for the Presbyterian Church USA. (For group discussion, note that there is also a SlideShare for the presentation upon which this book was based, which you might find useful: http://www.slideshare.net/breyeschow/....)

I only wish there had been one more chapter at the end. After all of these chapters on what not to do, to have one section on what TO do, where to go from here, would have been very helpful.

[Charlotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned how some people might be hurt by remarks even when those people making the remarks had no idea their words would hurt others. I applaud the author for writing the book and shedding light on things contributing to racial divides, things that others haven't considered - or at least have not written about. I think the author is well-versed on racism, its causes, and how people can understand others better.
There were a few things I did not like about the book. The first chapter was very long, so long that I almost didn't continue to the second chapter. I had read the titles of the chapters and thought I would find the book interesting so I didn't quit and am glad I continued with the other chapters. The first chapter just did not fit in with the other chapters. I think it would have been better placed in the Introduction with Chapter 2 becoming Chapter 1.
Because the author seemed to have a good command of the English language (his main language), I was sorry to find numerous errors which should have been corrected by a good editor. I even had to wonder if the editor had actually caused some of the errors by doing copy-and-paste instead of cut-and-replace.
I also disagree with the author about two things. The author was critical of people who said they couldn't tell the difference between some of the Asian participants in the Olympics. Did he stop to think that people use body shape, body size, manner of dress, sound of voice, and color of hair and eyes to identify others? When we watch the Olympics on television, we see many people with the same uniform, and they are all very fit. We don't always see good close-ups of them, and we don't all have large screen TV's. We don't have the variety of hair color and eye color or some of the other visual clues that help us tell one person from another.
As for the author's friend who thought she saw the author's dad at church, perhaps the author could have appreciated the fact that his friend wanted to show his dad a warm welcome instead of criticizing her for mistaking another Asian man for his dad. I agree, though, that it was good that he stopped his friend from starting a conversation with the man while thinking he was someone else.
In spite of my criticisms above, I am glad I read the book and appreciate the effort the author put into educating the public about racial remarks that we may have overlooked.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite countless typos (which is a bit baffling to me), this book was well worth my time. I found myself wanting to highlight things on every page and eventually went back through the book and copied countless quotes into my Commonplace book. Reyes-Chow is an American with Asian roots who has lived what it means to be brown and to look different from the mainstream white culture. His minority status has led him to draw a number of conclusions about race, conversation and culture in American society. His tone is conversational and his stories are persuasive. But what gets this book 4 stars is his openness and persistent vulnerability. Reyes-Chow is smart, no doubt, but more importantly, he is self-aware. His self-awareness leads him to question himself, to make a statement and then be willing to analyze that statement from his own personal worldview. He is kind to his reader instead of condescending, careful with this difficult topic instead of angry and violent with his language. This is a balanced book that has touched my heart in ways other books about racial equality have not. You will not waste your time on it. In fact, you will come away better for having considered his ideas.

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book brings fresh perspective to a topic where, too frequently, books are published with nothing new to say. I wanted many of the ideas in this book to be flushed out even more, especially the idea that progressive views of race change with each generation and the discussion of Gen X to Millennial as the focus, rather than a baby boomer focus. More, please!

There were things about this book that bothered me, though. Not the ideas, but the book as a whole reads like a first draft. I was glad I read the “behind the scenes” section that explained why this book was self-published. As I was reading it, I found d myself wondering “how did an editor let this slide?” The answer was at the back of the book.

This book has powerful ideas. It reads like it was rushed to publication without editing or proofreading, though, and that was distracting.

[Melinda Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent short read on talking about racism

I read this when it originally was released and just re-read it in light of violence against Asian-Americans, including the mass murder of six Asian women in Georgia. Our church book group chose to read this and it's a great beginning guide to holding conversations on race and racism and the problematic pitfalls white folks often fall into. It is now 8 years old so some of the social media references and politics are now dated, but its still a worthwhile read.

[Melanie Pennington · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great information. I kept restructuring sentences in my head for the author. Quite a few editorial issues. Mostly words left out or wrong word used. Unfortunate that those things marred the presentation.

[Hayley · Rating 3 out of 5]

(3.5) there were definitely some great bits, but overall for me I found this book a bit basic, a lot of the content covered I could benefit from more in depth information on

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has much to recommend it. With (very short) chapters entitled "No, But Where are You FROM?"; "If You Would Just Stop Talking About Race, Racism Would Go Away"; "I Don't Mean to Be Racist, BUT"; "He's a Different Kind of Black"; "It's Not Easy Being White"; and "If They Can Say It, Why Can't I?" among others, Reyes-Chow addresses common misconceptions with straightforward honesty but also gentle compassion. This would be a great book to spark discussions among friends; the author is influenced by his Christian background and work and is looking for healing and reconciliation around the issue of racism. The book is really a practical guide to communicating about racism with those who are without malice but misinformed.

But...a caveat. In a section called "Intent; Language," Reyes-Chow states,

"In very general terms, I see racism as that which justifies and reinforces the use of prejudice or privilege in order to maintain power, influence, or control over another group or individuals. And no, I do not believe racist behavior is confined to any one particular group."

There's the rub. Because the author is grounding his discussion of racism in the present day and specifically in the United States, it appears he isn't considering how racism came to be in the first place, especially when defining his use of the words "race" and "racism." He's defining race and racism in terms of prejudice based in ethnicity and culture as well as skin color, but that definition muddies the waters by conflating the issue in a way that makes further understanding more difficult instead of less.

Racism has always been about a hierarchical structure that favors light skin over dark skin. Black skin was seen as a marker, by those with light colored skin, of a less evolved, less civilized, less HUMAN being. Racism is grounded in skin color, not in ethnicity and culture. Often those things go hand-in-hand, but not always. Reyes-Chow describes his own cognitive dissonance when confronted with a young man whose phenotype was clearly Korean but who identified as a white Southerner. In racism, phenotype trumps all. Racism is about devaluing dark skin. Albert Einstein understood this concept when he said, "Racism is a disease of white people."

There is a chapter in Reyes-Chow's book called, "Minorities Can't Be Racist," and in it, like in every chapter, the author sets out to debunk what he sees as a misconception. For evidence, he states:

"As an Asian-American, I know that White folks do not hold the corner on racism toward African Americans. A family member once told me, when we were discussing interracial dating, that there was a Chinese saying, 'The closer to gold, the closer to heaven,' which means that the lighter the skin, the better. I don't know if that's a real Chinese saying, but it can be a real part of Chinese culture in the United States and reflect real views toward dark-skinned people..."

So close! He almost sees that it's about skin color, but then,

"As more and more races interact with greater frequency, deeply held negative beliefs about others based on race [culture and ethnicity] will undoubtedly begin to emerge in new ways in systems and institutions. We must examine the racism that manifests itself in instances of society-wide discrimination as well as the racism that may play into our day-to-day interactions. We must be open to the idea that, now, racism is not solely White people's problem." [insert mine]

The definition of racism hasn't changed, despite the author's claim that "things are very different than they were even a generation ago, both in how people have experienced racism as well as how folks talk about it." Racism is about judging skin color and finding darker skin to be lacking, relative to lighter skin. Always has been. Wars between ethnic groups are not racism, they're tribal conflicts. Racism is a white construct to serve the economic and social purposes of white people. People of color are perhaps influenced by racism, and may buy into the idea that "white is right." But being influenced by racism is not the same as being racist. Racism is seeing white as the best, and seeing anything darker as lesser. It's undoubtedly a disease of white people.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bruce Reyes-Chow still is best known to me as moderator of the 2008 218th General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (USA), though he has an extensive online presence! In his own words, Bruce compiled this book, "...to find that sweet middle space where, after our intellect is stirred in the classroom and our hearts moved on the picket line, we can sit down to eat, drink, and commune." So this is more about finding a dining table to gather around than it is about the also essential intellectual and historical exploration that happens in a university classroom, than it is about the planning, actions, and outcomes of a political rally. You do realize every one of us needs to learn to dialogue, because the USA still is far from being post-racial in behaviors, attitudes, and mindset?! You've also experienced how good food and good drink help people start letting down their own walls and begin opening up about their lives? The subtitle is because "the curator prepares the room with essential items, but also continues to care for that room once it is set up."

Bruce shorthands ethnicity, culture, and race into the single word race, because "...it generally encompasses both genetic background and sociological location." Initially he lined out the book by selecting "...statements and comments that [regardless of intent, created resentment, hostility, and divisions within a community that genuinely seeks understanding, compassions, and wholeness] people have made to me or that I have heard people say to others." At times he also refers to other observable, more external attributes such as gender, height, weight... social class? Yes. Because how a person dresses, does their hair and makeup, walks and talks can reveal so much, but at least in the USA, those factors also are functions of your geographical area.

Reyes-Chow invites everyone to be set free by naming, claiming, and acknowledging the complexities of their individual lives, their experiences and their appearances. I loved the anecdote about the Korean-born youth, adopted and raised by parents in North Carolina, who considered himself White. His cultural phenotype indeed was middle class White American, though his genotype was Asian. In the HS youth group at the church I served in City of History, there was one teen whose physical features were African-American, but who was more culturally White than a lot of the genetically White kids who lived in the nearby very racially diverse neighborhood. Each of us has lifelong contextual historical and cultural locations. What are yours? What are mine?

For this overview of a single individual's experience and perspective, along with his invitation and encouragement for readers to do the same, I found Bruce's insights, revelations, and reminders helpful at least five stars's worth. You could use it in a high school or college classroom as additional reading alongside a book or books that approached the topic from a more thoroughly historical or structural perspective. It would be excellent for a racially or culturally homogenous or multicultural church discussion group, in a library or other book club. Participants even could read a chapter or chapters right then and there, and talk about it immediately afterwards, so no homework necessary. But because Bruce is not a professor or an Actual Academic, and because of its style and content, it could not function as the main class textbook.

[michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

picked this up (i.e. utilized my kindle unlimited trial) b/c i only read the title and assumed it would be specifically about asian-american racial discourse - it wasn't. that's fine though

very accessible introductory text into talking abt race/privilege, self-admittedly nothing revolutionary, does its job well
my one caveat: not enough focus on how institutions essentially override the individual (he raises the possibility of reverse racism), which is rly key when discussing anything like this - minus one star for that

something i might recommend to my religious father who's begun to lean left as he ages

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is mostly a preaching to the choir book, because I don't think people who are clueless about race are going to pick it up. That said, I think it's useful to help us learn how to open that dialogue with others and have those difficult conversations with the people we'd like to add to the choir. It was an easy read with useful information and an accessible approach.

I'm giving this book an extra star because it was funded with Kickstarter and the end of the book is filled with comments from the Kickstarter backers explaining why they funded this book. The comments are touching and revealing and I'm glad the author made them a perk and included them in the book. One of them ended with this: "Legislation cannot fix these problems, but conversations can."

I think that's the most important takeaway, that we cannot avoid these conversations because they're uncomfortable, we must have them if we want to affect real change.

[Ruth Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is an introduction for people to start conversations about racism in our 21st century cultural reality. I understand that Bruce Reyes-Chow decided to focus on racism and particularly his experiences, but I feel any discussion on racism needs to be extended to many other areas of prejudice, i.e. to anyone that becomes the "other" in conversation, jokes, books, films, social media, etc.

Bruce did demonstrate that what is expressed socially and in media over and over again can perpetuate stereotypes, tokenism, insulting messages, and covert forms of bias. Again, I see the need to expand the prejudice discussion beyond racism to include things that can make anyone feel marginalized.

[Ron Willoughby · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book. It was thought-provoking in places, witty in others. There were moments of insight and helpful understanding. I would have liked to have given it 4 stars, but . . . there were so many stinking grammatical mistakes, missing words, or added words that it was flat-out distracting. I'm not a grammar snob or anything of the sort, but this book (at least the kindle edition) was a manuscript in desperate need of an editor, or at the very least a proof-reader. *rant over*

In closing one of the things that was startling to me was the number of times I found myself getting embarrassed and thinking: 'I've said that.' or 'Really? Snap! I'm that guy.' A humbling and eye-opening experience to say the least.

[Becky Lai · Rating 2 out of 5]

Important topics and raises a lot of relevant questions but the writing style was incredibly distracting and I disagreed with quite a few of the conclusions or advice.

I know the author disclaimed quite a bit... He's not trying to be the expert or to be definitive about his opinions but throughout the course of the book it feels like he's giving advice and explaining what's right and wrong rather than facilitating and/or generating dialogue.

The search for a book that discusses race and faith continues...

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, this is good. Add this to Steve Robbins' "What If?" has a great resource to start conversation among groups. I really like the frank and productive approach the author takes here. He's not sugar-coating anything but he also deliberately sets out to include everyone in the conversation so that those who may be privileged don't immediately shut down to the topic. This is a great one for any social-justice educator to have on their shelves but also a great read for anybody!

[Tad · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very well written and engaging book about the always timely topics of race and racism. He does a great job of parsing out the various debates on the issue and providing a clear perspective on it. I found myself absorbed by his writing style and aware that I was reading something intelligent and important. As a white person, this gave me some great insight into a topic that I confess I haven't spent enough time with. Makes me want to read more about it.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the chance to get a glimpse of life through the eyes of someone with an experience that is different than my own. I was challenged to think about some of the privileges I take for granted and was able to identify some micro aggressions that have shaped the way that I see myself in business and technical settings where women are minorities.

[Debmeinke · Rating 4 out of 5]

After too many decades as a white person not engaged with race/racism, time to become part of the solution. Thank you Bruce Reyes-Chow for this user-friendly offering on race. My favorite chapter "It's Not Easy Being White"

[Patricia Eichenlaub · Rating 5 out of 5]

This would be a very helpful book for group discussions. The beginning was a bit pedantic but necessary. The sections on what we have said or heard said was excellent. It helped me understand what might be being said and what might be being heard.

[Eric Ledermann · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm re-reading this with my session (church board of elders). It's been a fascinating dialogue! I highly recommend this book to help kickstart conversations around race.

[Tori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good introductory book.

[Jaime · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great conversation starter and also an easy read!

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book that provides many insightful observations.

[TJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good intro into racism. Some really good ideas.

[Meka♥books · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars.

[E · Rating 1 out of 5]

Zzzzzzzz

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

A readable and thought provoking primer for an important discussion we should all be having in our churches and homes and communities.

[Susannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great conversation starter. You should read this book.
You can read my full review here-
http://teaandtheology.com/book-review...