The Mourner's Dance: What We Do When People Die

by Katherine Ashenburg

When her daughter's fiancé died suddenly, Katherine Ashenburg was surprised to see how her daughter intuitively re-created the traditional rituals of mourning, even those of which she was ignorant. Intrigued, Ashenburg began to explore the rich and endlessly inventive choreographies different cultures and times have devised to mark a universal and deeply felt plight.

Contemporary North American culture favors a mourning that is private and virtually invisible. But, as Ashenburg reveals, the grieving customs of the past were so integrated into daily life that ultimately they gave rise to public parks and ready-to-wear clothing. Our keepsakes, prescribed bereavement garb, resting places, mourning etiquette; and ways of commiserating from wakes to Internet support groups remain clues to our most elemental beliefs, and our most effective means of restoring selves, and communities, unraveled by loss.

Genres: Nonfiction, Death, Grief

336 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Katherine Ashenburg is the prize-winning author of three non-fiction books and hundreds of articles on subjects that range from travel to mourning customs to architecture. She describes herself as a lapsed Dickensian and as someone who has had a different career every decade. Her work life began with a Ph.D. dissertation about Dickens and Christmas, but she quickly left the academic world for successive careers at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation as a radio producer; at the Toronto newspaper The Globe and Mail as the arts and books editor; and most recently as a freelance writer, lecturer and teacher.

Her first book, Going to Town: Architectural Walking Tours in Southern Ontario, won the Ontario Historical Society's award for best regional history. Her second book, The Mourner's Dance: What We Do When People Die, was a finalist for two important prizes. Her latest book The Dirt on Clean: An Unsanitized History, is a spirited chronicle of the West's ambivalent relationship with the washed and unwashed body. She's a regular contributor to the Sunday Travel section of The New York Times and she writes a column on design and architecture for Toronto Life magazine.

Reviews

[Kiki Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fascinating read on the evolution of grieving practices from a Westernized-English perspective. It legitimized many of the feelings I had at the time of isolation and a desire for more outward expression of the loss I was dealing with at the time. I learned a great deal from this book. Highly recommended.

[Paula Dembeck · Rating 2 out of 5]

Following the sudden and unexpected death of her daughter’s fiancé, Ashenburg was struck by the way her daughter responded. It seemed she just automatically took on a series of behaviors, much like those of others who have lost someone dear to them. The author watched quietly as her daughter surrounded herself with her friends, wore pieces of her fiance’s clothing and fingered some of the objects that meant so much to him. Triggered by these observations, Ashenburg decided to look at the entire process of mourning across time and cultures, from the time the body is prepared until it meets its final end, whatever that may be.

Ashenburg looks at how the body is treated after death, looks at the ceremonies and prayers that are part of the funeral service and examines the long standing customs of condolence letters and the wearing of mourning clothes. She also examines practices such as the reburial of the departed’s bones, the renting of clothing, and the raucous parties that are all part of the “leaving” that friends and relatives celebrate.

Ashenburg reminds us that grieving is a necessary experience, one that helps individuals deal with the loss of a loved one. It is a welcome relief from those who simply respond to prolonged mourning by urging those affected to simply get on with their life.
This is not a self-help book. It is simply an interesting exploration of a subject not often talked or written about, but one that helps us better understand the period following death.

[Joy Galston · Rating 5 out of 5]

I turned on the radio to an interview with this author in the midst of dealing with the loss of a family member. I loved this book because it was personal and objective, at the same time. The author gave herself a job to do in response to her own family loss. This book explores practical ways to communicate and process grief based on the practices of other cultures. It gave me options to give to others who wanted to participate and support me in my grief. I wasn't expecting to laugh while reading this book, but I did. It normalized the intensity of bereavement and sometimes the absurdity of human beings responses to it.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It gives a broad overview of the mourning practces of other cultures and addresses the deficiencies inherent in the way the current death averse western culture allows those in mourning to mourn and be comforted.

[Carol Johnson]

I really enjoyed this one. Fascinating! It took me longer to read than most but it's very well written. I'm glad I picked it up!

[Jo-Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found the material in this book engaging and thought provoking. The collection of customs among different cultures and communities is fascinating - similar in intent even when there are differences in enactment. Katherine Ashenburg's descriptions of the journeys of her daughter and other family and friends during bereavement are very moving. Greatly recommended!

[Dorothy Mahoney · Rating 5 out of 5]

When the author's future son-in-law dies suddenly, she studies the way people mourn,
researching the past and present of many cultures. Interesting and informative.

[Vicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was interesting, but I would not recommend it to someone who is going through the mourning process. It felt like more of an intellectual exercise for me.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me more than a year to read this book. I picked it up after a family member passed away, but I've lost a few more people over the past year and it was too painful to read.

The author does a really good job of discussing the rituals and attitudes towards death in various cultures - however, if that was the main focus of the book then it would be a bit dry, like a textbook. Instead, she wraps the entire thing around the story of how her daughter's fiance died suddenly, and how her daughter (and both of the families) dealt with their grief.

Definitely recommended for anyone who is trying to understand how to grieve and how to help others do the same.

[Cynthia K · Rating 3 out of 5]

I selected this book because I saw it tagged as self-help, and I needed such a book for the Read Harder Challenge. After reading it, I can only conclude it is categorized that way because, as Ashenburg deseribes in this microhistory, that is where you find books on how to mourn.
If it weren't for the challenge, I probably would not have finished this book. I'm glad I did because it was an interesting cross-cultural comparison. Ashenburg structured the book in a way that her study of mourning customs are always connected back to what she observed when her daughter's fiance died unexpectedly. In that way this is both history and personal narrative.

[Alison Lake]

Even though I am very interested in this book, I've decided to return it to the library and read it another time. After experiencing the loss of someone I love very much, it doesn't seem like the right time for me to read it.

Update: I have lost two very dear people since putting this book back on the shelf a few years ago. Because of these losses, I have a renewed interest in this book and how people approach(ed) mourning and grieving in different times and cultures.

[Heather McLeod · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I've been curious about death and grieving, and Ashenburg's book provides an excellent overview of how those subjects are dealt with across many different cultures and religions, as well as historically. Her writing style is sensitive and personable, not too formal or academic. I feel better equipped to comfort friends who grieve, as well as myself.

I found this book very similar in approach to Margaret Visser's The Rituals of Dinner, my favourite non-fiction book.

[Madeleine McLaughlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read about the customs of various people when someone dies. How we mourn is often shaped by our culture, from the Irish 'merry wake' to the Tibetan 'sky burial'. How we cope when someone dies is important to who we are and think we are, seems to be the theme of this book. If you like to read about people, this is a good book.