Trans Forming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones

by Mary Boenke

TRANS FORMING FAMILIES: REAL STORIES ABOUT TRANSGENDERED LOVED ONES is a collection of stories by parents of adult transgenders, by mothers of very young gender variant children, by spouses and partners, and even by grandparents, siblings and friends. Written mostly by "ordinary people", who have all struggled from bewilderment to acceptance and even celebration, these 31 stories serve as role models for all those families who are still hurting, rejecting, or feeling isolated -- or who have already "arrived" --and would like company.

The subjects vary greatly, -- both FTM's and MTF's, intersexed persons, cross-dressers, adults and children, several from other countries, some with physical disabilities, and from all walks of life. But all are stories of profound caring, stories of pioneering families who put love above all else and come out accepting, even celebrating the courage and specialness of their transgenered loved ones.

Several chapters include the following:

- A mother's description of her "daughter's" third birthday when the child is dismayed to find a lacey dress from her grandmother. She tells her mother she isn't the kind of child who likes dresses (she hadn't willingly worn one since age 2), and added, "Just tell grandma I'm a boy." This child has persisted and is now a pre-teen, living full-time as a happy, athletic, and very bright boy.

- An Iranian mother's story about her different, depressed and suicidal "son", who was persistently abused outside the home. "He" was eventually correctly diagnosed in Iran, but was brought here for better resources and social acceptance. The former son is now living happily as a woman.

- A mother and father's joint writing about their unhappy daughter, who eventually became their son -- and an amusing story about his achieving a **legal** gay marriage (also Jewish/Catholic) in a state that does not allow even a postoperative transsexual to change his birth certificate.

- A long-term spouse writes that going through the transgender process with one's spouse is often like going through the five stages of grief. She then vividly describes each stage --Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance-- and her invaluable learnings gained through a lengthy couseling process.

- A spouse in a long term marriage, which has parented ten children -- two "home made" and eight special needs adopted children -- writes of her spouses process from crossdresser, through ransition, to full-time womanhood. She also describes the humor of their situation; once while shopping, their Afro-American child ran after the white woman walking ahead shouting, "Hay, Daddy!"

- A fifteen year old English girl writes a letter to her "father", telling him that she and her Mum have decided he should proceed with his transition because they know it's important to him and they will adjust. But the school counselor doesn't know anything about this kind of situation. "Please, Daddy, will you get me some help?" (She has written since publication that she and Emily are doing just fine.)

The book also includes a glossary, a current list of trans organizations and a trans-family reading list. Several essays, --an Introduction by Jessica Xavier, Foreword by Robert Berstein, and Preface by the editor about her own family experiences, --round out this highly informative book. The added short and humorous quips and butterflies flitting throughout make it an easy read. It is predicted to be a best seller within the trans community and is certainly ideal for families of all kinds of transgendered persons.

Genres: LGBT, Nonfiction, Transgender, Queer, Gender

Paperback

First published February 1, 2003

Reviews

[Jackson · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's the kind of book a trans person would recommend to a family member who is feeling isolated and alone concerning coming to terms with having a trans loved one and also all the awkward day to day stuff it can involve.

What I like about the book:

It is a collection of essays by people who have all different types of relationships with trans folks. Parents, children, siblings, spouses, etc. I also think I remember there being both parents of adult children and parents of young children who had come out. There are also trans women and trans men represented, although I think I remember the representation of men and women being somewhat unequal.

I also like that it exists at all and is written from the point of view of loved ones. It deals with some of the harder things that someone might not feel comfortable bringing up with their trans loved one who they are trying hard to support/understand.

A family member who is not that well versed in trans stuff and is learning a lot at once about it from their trans loved one could feel very comforted to read something that deals with feelings about a tough situation in the midst of also, undoubtedly, learning a bunch of new confusing information

What I don't like about this book:

It really plays into an overly dramatic traditional narrative often prescribed to trans folks, as in, "When I was little, I loved Barbies and make-up (or sports and guns), then kids started making fun of me for it so I pretended to like sports and guns (or Barbies and make-up) and tried to blend in. I was lonely, unhappy and kind of awkward. When I hit puberty, I fell into a deep depression. Then, one day, I was about to kill myself and then I decided, 'i have nothing to lose, maybe I should just transition instead.'"

I don't mean to suggest that there is anything wrong with this narrative, as it really is some peoples' narrative, but i think there is a lot of pressure in the trans community to rewrite personal histories to fit into this story when often our stories have nothing to do with this story (what if you liked make-up and sports? what if your decision to transition was much more low-key?). It is all fine to re-write your story for convenience and acceptance (though it sucks to feel like you have to), but that's not really going to cut it with family who probably know your story better than you do. It might leave a family member of someone with a "non-traditional" narrative or gender role (most folks, to some extent) feeling even more lost and alone than before if they looked to the book for answers.

Or at least that's how my loved ones felt when they read the book...


In theory, though, it's a great book. And I don't mean to slam it at all, as it is still pretty well done. It definitely does not fit into a transfeminist way of thinking about gender roles and how being trans doesn't suddenly mean you have to be straight and hyper-masculine/feminine. But, on the other hand, a family member who is just looking to find some reference point for their current situation has plenty of time to educate themselves about all the cultural and political stuff surrounding trans stuff and might need to take some time to deal with their own feelings too.

[Tuna koscica · Rating 3 out of 5]

outdated in quite a few ways but a good collection of personal testimonies nonetheless

[Alyx Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Trans Forming Families is an anthology in which the friends and family members of transgendered people tell the stories of their reactions to loved ones' gender transitions. By the time I read this it was preaching to the converted, but the book could be a good learning tool to give to someone -- like a parent or friend -- who's just learning about the trans experience.

The book ably demonstrates that transfolk are not freaks but people with the same hopes, dreams and feelings as everyone else. If that sounds obvious to you, then maybe you should give this one instead of receiving it.

[Gwen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a collection of letters and stories submitted by transgender people and their families. It shows that people come in all "flavors" of gender. This book may be helpful for someone struggling to understand a transgender family member. The writing styles are highly variable and have only been marginally edited.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although I felt like I didn't "need" this book, since I already fully accepted and supported my family member's transition, I enjoyed the entire book little by little. I read one story at a time, and savored each person's experience - some of them I related to, some I didn't, but each was special and personal and moving.

[Konnor H. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent collection of stories detailing those who have some type of family relationship with a trans person. Some stories were better than others, and overall it seemed to lack a finished/professional quality. But a decent read regardless.

[Lilac · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not terribly professionally done, and varied in style and interest, as it's by lots of people, but a necessary work, that does a pretty good job.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

A number of short essays written by the family members of transgendered people. I didn't read them all, but I got the general idea.

[Xiola Mills · Rating 5 out of 5]

very cute personal stories