Супружество как точная наука, The Exact Science of Matrimony

by O. Henry

Файл электронной книги подготовлен в Агентстве ФТМ, Лтд., 2013

Genres: Short Stories

11 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2004

About the author

Such volumes as Cabbages and Kings (1904) and The Four Million (1906) collect short stories, noted for their often surprising endings, of American writer William Sydney Porter, who used the pen name O. Henry.

His biography shows where he found inspiration for his characters. His era produced their voices and his language.

Mother of three-year-old Porter died from tuberculosis. He left school at fifteen years of age and worked for five years in drugstore of his uncle and then for two years at a Texas sheep ranch.

In 1884, he went to Austin, where he worked in a real estate office and a church choir and spent four years as a draftsman in the general land office. His wife and firstborn died, but daughter Margaret survived him.

He failed to establish a small humorous weekly and afterward worked in poorly-run bank. When its accounts balanced not, people blamed and fired him.

In Houston, he worked for a few years until, ordered to stand trial for embezzlement, he fled to New Orleans and thence Honduras.

Two years later, he returned on account of illness of his wife. Apprehended, Porter served a few months more than three years in a penitentiary in Columbus, Ohio. During his incarceration, he composed ten short stories, including A Blackjack Bargainer , The Enchanted Kiss , and The Duplicity of Hargraves .

In 1899, McClure's published Whistling Dick's Christmas Story and Georgia's Ruling .

In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, he sent manuscripts to New York editors. In the spring of 1902, Ainslee's Magazine offered him a regular income if he moved to New York.

In less than eight years, he became a bestselling author of collections of short stories. Cabbages and Kings came first in 1904 The Four Million, and The Trimmed Lamp and Heart of the West followed in 1907, and The Voice of the City in 1908, Roads of Destiny and Options in 1909, Strictly Business and Whirligigs in 1910 followed.

Posthumously published collections include The Gentle Grafter about the swindler, Jeff Peters; Rolling Stones , Waifs and Strays , and in 1936, unsigned stories, followed.

People rewarded other persons financially more. A Retrieved Reformation about the safe-cracker Jimmy Valentine got $250; six years later, $500 for dramatic rights, which gave over $100,000 royalties for playwright Paul Armstrong. Many stories have been made into films.

Reviews

[Federico DN · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eyes that do not see...

Two con-men and a widow set up a scheme to swindle some money from potential matches. The unexpected happens when the widow falls in love with one of her suitors.

Not bad, it was ok, to an extent. This is classic O. Henry with his little mischievous twists, similar in a way to The Gift of the Magi, but at the same time different. For a meager 5 pages short story I think it was worth it.

It’s public domain. You can find it HERE.

-----------------------------------------------
PERSONAL NOTE :
[1900] [5p] [Fiction] [2.5] [Not Recommendable]
-----------------------------------------------

★★★★☆ Last Leaf.
★★★☆☆ The Gift of the Magi. [3.5]
★★★☆☆ The Venturers.
★★★☆☆ The Exact Science of Matrimony. [2.5]

-----------------------------------------------

Ojos que no ven...

Dos timadores y una viuda organizan un plan para estafar algo de dinero a posibles parejas. Lo inesperado sucede cuando la viuda se enamora de uno de sus pretendientes.

No está mal, estuvo bien hasta cierto punto. Esto es clásico O. Henry con sus pequeños giros traviesos, de una manera similar a El regalo de los magos, pero a su vez diferente. Para una historia corta de escasa 5 páginas creo que vale la pena.

Es dominio público, lo pueden encontrar ACA.

-----------------------------------------------
NOTA PERSONAL :
[1900] [5p] [Ficción] [2.5] [No Recomendable]
-----------------------------------------------

[Classic reverie · Rating 5 out of 5]

O. Henry’s “The Exact Sciene of Matrimony” is a short story by the scoundrels Andy and Jeff who look to open a matrimonial agency and this time the woman who is supposed to ruin operations being of the “honest” sex but does she? This was a surprise ending for me.

Story in short- Jeff Peters has a widow help with the agency as being the bait.


➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2326
“AS I HAVE told you before,” said Jeff Peters, “I never had much confidence in the perfidiousness of
woman. As partners or coeducators in the most innocent line of graft they are not trustworthy.” “They
deserve the compliment,” said I. “I think they are entitled to be called the honest sex.”
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2326
“Why shouldn’t they be?” said Jeff. “They’ve got the other sex either grafting or working overtime for ’
em. They’re all right in business until they get their emotions or their hair touched up too much. Then
you want to have a flat footed, heavy breathing man with sandy whiskers, five kids and a building and
loan mortgage ready as an understudy to take her desk. Now there was that widow lady that me and
Andy Tucker engaged to help us in that little matrimonial agency scheme we floated out in Cairo.
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2326
“When you’ve got enough advertising capital — say a roll as big as the little end of a wagon tongue —
there’s money in matrimonial agencies. We had about $6,000 and we expected to double it in two
months, which is about as long as a scheme like ours can be carried on without taking out a New Jersey
charter. “We fixed up an advertisement that read about like this: “Charming widow, beautiful, home
loving, 32 years, possessing $3,000 cash and owning valuable country property, would remarry. Would
prefer a poor man with affectionate disposition to one with means, as she realizes that the solid virtues
are oftenest to be found in the humble walks of life. No objection to elderly man or one of homely
appearance if faithful and true and competent to manage property and invest money with judgment.
Address, with particulars. Lonely,
Care of Peters & Tucker, agents, Cairo, Ill.
❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌spoiler alert


I thought the widow would fall for one of the applicants but was shocked when she fell in love and the money was given to her by Jeff because he wanted to make her happy with Andy’s consent, it turned out the scoundrel Andy was the man and had the money to escape the town with Jeff. I felt bad for the widow.

Page 2327
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2327
“‘Now listen,’ says I. ‘You know my rule, Andy, that in all my illegitimate inroads against the legal letter
of the law the article sold must be existent, visible, producible. In that way and by a careful study of city
ordinances and train schedules I have kept out of all trouble with the police that a five dollar bill and a
cigar could not square. Now, to work this scheme we’ve got to be able to produce bodily a charming
widow or its equivalent with or without the beauty, hereditaments and appurtenances set
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2327
forth in the catalogue and writ of errors, or hereafter be held by a justice of the peace.’ “‘Well,’ says Andy,
reconstructing his mind, ‘maybe it would be safer in case the post office or the peace commission should
try to investigate our agency. But where,’ he says, ‘could you hope to find a widow who would waste
time on a matrimonial scheme that had no matrimony in it?’ “I told Andy that I thought I knew of the
exact party. An old friend of mine, Zeke Trotter, who used to
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2327
draw soda water and teeth in a tent show, had made his wife a widow a year before by drinking some
dyspepsia cure of the old doctor’s instead of the liniment that he always got boozed up on. I used to stop
at their house often, and I thought we could get her to work with us. “’Twas only sixty miles to the little
town where she lived, so I jumped out on the I. C. and finds her in the same cottage with the same
sunflowers and roosters standing on the washtub. Mrs. Trotter fitted our ad first rate except, maybe for
Page 2328
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2328
beauty and age and property valuation. But she looked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye, and it was a
kindness to Zeke’s memory to give her the job. “‘Is this an honest deal you are putting on, Mr. Peters,’ she
asks me when I tell her what we want. “‘Mrs. Trotter,’ says I, ‘Andy Tucker and me have computed the
calculation that 3,000 men in this broad and unfair country will endeavor to secure your fair hand and
ostensible money and property through our advertisement. Out of
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2328
that number something like thirty hundred will expect to give you in exchange, if they should win you,
the carcass of a lazy and mercenary loafer, a failure in life, a swindler and contemptible fortune seeker.
“‘Me and Andy,’ says I, ‘propose to teach these preyers upon society a lesson. It was with difficulty,’ says
I, ‘that me and Andy could refrain from forming a corporation under the title of the Great Moral and
Millennial Malevolent Matrimonial Agency. Does that satisfy you?’

Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2328
“‘It does, Mr. Peters,’ says she. ‘I might have known you wouldn’t have gone into anything that wasn’t
opprobrious. But what will my duties be? Do I have to reject personally these 3,000 ramscallions you
speak of, or can I throw them out in bunches?’ “‘Your job, Mrs. Trotter,’ says I, ‘will be practically a
cynosure. You will live at a quiet hotel and will have no work to do. Andy and I will attend to all the
correspondence and business end of it.
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2328
“‘Of course,’ says I, ‘some of the more ardent and impetuous suitors who can raise the railroad fare may
come to Cairo to personally press their suit or whatever fraction of a suit they may be wearing. In that
case you will be probably put to the inconvenience of kicking them out face to face. We will pay you $25
per week and hotel expenses.’ “‘Give me five minutes,’ says Mrs. Trotter, ‘to get my powder rag and leave
the front door key with a neighbor and you can let my salary begin.’
Page 2329
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2329
“So I conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo and establishes her in a family hotel far enough away from mine and
Andy’s quarters to be unsuspicious and available, and I tell Andy. “‘Great,’ says Andy. ‘And now that
your conscience is appeased as to the tangibility and proximity of the bait, and leaving mutton aside,
suppose we revenoo a noo fish.’ “So, we began to insert our advertisement in newspapers covering the
country far and wide. One ad was all we used. We couldn’t have used more without hiring so many
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2329
clerks and marcelled paraphernalia that the sound of the gum chewing would have disturbed the
Postmaster-General. “We placed $2,000 in a bank to Mrs. Trotter’s credit and gave her the book to show
in case anybody might question the honesty and good faith of the agency. I knew Mrs. Trotter was
square and reliable and it was safe to leave it in her name. “With that one ad Andy and me put in twelve
hours a day answering letters.
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2329
“About one hundred a day was what came in. I never knew there was so many large hearted but indigent
men in the country who were willing to acquire a charming widow and assume the burden of investing
her money.

Page 2330
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2330
“Most of them admitted that they ran principally to whiskers and lost jobs and were misunderstood by
the world, but all of ’em were sure that they were so chock full of affection and manly qualities that the
widow would be making the bargain of her life to get ’em. “Every applicant got a reply from Peters &
Tucker informing him that the widow had been deeply impressed by his straightforward and
interesting letter and requesting
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2330
them to write again; stating more particulars; and enclosing photograph if convenient. Peters & Tucker
also informed the applicant that their fee for handing over the second letter to their fair client would be
$2, enclosed therewith. “There you see the simple beauty of the scheme. About 90 per cent. of them
domestic foreign noblemen raised the price somehow and sent it in. That was all there was to it. Except
that me and Andy complained an amount about being put to the
Page 2331
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2331
trouble of slicing open them envelopes, and taking the money out. “Some few clients called in person.
We sent ’em to Mrs. Trotter and she did the rest; except for three or four who came back to strike us for
carfare. After the letters began to get in from the r.f.d. districts Andy and me were taking in about $200
a day. “One afternoon when we were busiest and I was stuffing the two and ones into cigar boxes and
Andy was whistling ‘No Wedding Bells for Her’ a small slick man drops in and
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2331
runs his eye over the walls like he was on the trail of a lost Gainesborough painting or two. As soon as I
saw him I felt a glow of pride, because we were running our business on the level. “‘I see you have quite a
large mail to-day,’ says the man. “I reached and got my hat. “‘Come on,’ says I. ‘We’ve been expecting
you. I’ll show you the goods. How was Teddy when you left Washington?’ “I took him down to the
Riverview Hotel and had him shake
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2331
hands with Mrs. Trotter. Then I showed him her bank book with the $2,000 to her credit. “‘It seems to be
all right,’ says the Secret Service. “‘It is,’ says I. ‘And if you’re not a married man I’ll leave you to talk a
while with the lady. We won’t mention the two dollars.’ “‘Thanks,’ says he. ‘If I wasn’t, I might. Good
day, Mrs. Peters.’ “Toward the end of three months we had taken in something over $5,000, and we saw
it was time to quit. We had a good many complaints made to us; and Mrs. Trotter seemed to be tired of
the job. A good many suitors had been calling to see her, and she didn’t seem to like that. “So we decides
to pull out, and I goes down to Mrs. Trotter’s hotel to pay her last week’s salary and say farewell and get
her check for the $2,000. “When I got there I found her crying like a kid that don’t want to go to school.
“‘Now, now,’ says I, ‘what’s it all about? Somebody sassed you or you getting homesick?’

Page 2332
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2332
No, Mr. Peters,’ says she. ‘I’ll tell you. You was always a friend of Zeke’s, and I don’t mind. Mr. Peters, I’m
in love. I just love a man so hard I can’t bear not to get him. He’s just the ideal I’ve always had in mind.’
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2332
Then take him,’ says I. ‘That is, if it’s a mutual case. Does he return the sentiment according to the
specifications and painfulness you have described?’ “‘He does,’ says she. ‘But he’s one of the gentlemen
that’s been coming to see me about the advertisement and he won’t marry me unless I give him the
$2,000. His name is William Wilkinson.’ And then she goes off again in the agitations and hysterics of
romance. “‘Mrs. Trotter,’ says I, ‘there’s no man more sympathizing with a woman’s affections than I
am. Besides, you was once the life partner
Page 2333
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2333
of one of my best friends. If it was left to me I’d say take this $2,000 and the man of your choice and be
happy. “‘We could afford to do that, because we have cleaned up over $5,000 from these suckers that
wanted to marry you. But,’ says I, ‘Andy Tucker is to be consulted. “‘He is a good man, but keen in
business. He is my equal partner financially. I will talk to Andy,’ says I, ‘and see what can be done.’ “I
goes back to our hotel and lays the case before Andy.
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2333
“‘I was expecting something like this all the time,’ says Andy. ‘You can’t trust a woman to stick by you in
any scheme that involves her emotions and preferences.’ “‘It’s a sad thing, Andy,’ says I, ‘to think that
we’ve been the cause of the breaking of a woman’s heart.’ “‘It is,’ says Andy, ‘and I tell you what I’m
willing to do, Jeff. You’ve always been a man of a soft and generous heart and disposition. Perhaps I’ve
been too hard and worldly and suspicious. For once I’ll meet you half way. Go to Mrs. Trotter and
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2333
tell her to draw the $2,000 from the bank and give it to this man she’s infatuated with and be happy.’ “I
jumps up and shakes Andy’s hand for five minutes, and then I goes back to Mrs. Trotter and tells her,
and she cries as hard for joy as she did for sorrow. “Two days afterward me and Andy packed up to go.
“‘Wouldn’t you like to go down and meet Mrs. Trotter once before we leave?’ I asks him. ‘She’d like
mightily to know you and express her encomiums and gratitude.’
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2333
“‘Why, I guess not,’ says Andy. ‘I guess we’d better hurry and catch that train.’ “I was strapping our
capital around me in a memory belt like we always carried it, when Andy pulls a roll of large bills out of
his pocket and asks me to put ’em with the rest. “‘What’s this?’ says I.

Page 2334
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2334
“‘It’s Mrs. Trotter’s two thousand,’ says Andy.
Highlight (Yellow) | Page 2334
“‘How do you come to have it?’ I asks. “‘She gave it to me,’ says Andy. ‘I’ve been calling on her three
evenings a week for more than a month.’ “‘Then are you William Wilkinson?’ says I. “‘I was,’ says Andy.”

[Sabina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Can't say it was the best collection of short stories I read by O. Henry but nonetheless I enjoyed readng it.

[Tina Argirova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Интересные весёлые рассказы. Наверно где-то на средине уже начала угадывать непредсказуемые развязки историй (из-за чего стало скучновато). «Вкусный» язык повествования, порадовало.

[Nathan]

*NOTE: I definitely did not read this in Russian, but this is the only edition on here... Oh well!