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Mom, Dad, I'm an Atheist: The Guide to Coming Out as a Non-Believer
This essential guide to coming-out as a non-believer has been written to make it easier for atheists, agnostics, freethinkers, and non-believers of all ages and backgrounds to be open about their non-religiosity while minimizing the negative interactions in familial, social, and professional circles. As a survival guide for non-believers who wish to come out, this book provides advice and resources for those interested in publically rejecting religious dogma as well as real stories from non-believers who have experienced coming-out to less-than-supportive family or friends. Whether you're new to disbelief and looking for the cleanest possible break from your former faith or you're a lifelong atheist who wants to establish a sense of community with like-minded people, this guide provides useful resources including: tips for handling potential conflicts with believers, the author's answers to some of the most frequently asked questions on behalf of believers, and numerous references to support groups, services, and advocacy organizations dedicated to non-theists. From dealing with grief from a secular perspective to handling potential clashes in religious worldviews between significant others, this book offers multiple perspectives from non-religious individuals who have generously shared their experiences to help those atheists who may find themselves in similar situations.
154 pages, Paperback
First published December 12, 2012
18 people are currently reading
208 people want to read
About the author
David G. McAfee
13 books171 followersDavid G. McAfee is a journalist and author of The Curious Person's Guide to Fighting Fake News, No Sacred Cows: Investigating Myths, Cults, and the Supernatural, and other books. He is a former columnist for Canadian Freethinker Magazine and a contributor to American Atheist Magazine. Mr. McAfee attended University of California, Santa Barbara, and graduated with bachelor’s degrees in English and Religious Studies with an emphasis on Christianity and Mediterranean religions. After experiencing discrimination within the American public education system as a result of his secular activism, David G. McAfee sought to help those who fear similar professional or familial consequences to their public non-belief.
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
January 7, 2013
The rationale (and necessity) for the publication of this book is more than adequately encapsulated in a comment by the author himself on the first page of the preface:
"...all people are born not believing in a god or gods, and only come to believe in such entities once they have been taught the idea by others - so, atheism is the "default" position." This summary position by the author is taken from an Ernestine Rose quote he provides on page 5: "It is an interesting and demonstrable fact, that all children are atheists and were religion not inculcated into their minds, they would remain so." That poignant but oft neglected and somewhat unrecognised truth says it all really.
McAfee follows that thought with the comment that "In most instances, a child is taught early on that their parent's religion is the Truth - and all others are evil. This mindset is rarely shaken and those beliefs are often passed on to further generations." "Luckily for me" concludes McAfee, "that didn't happen." Lucky indeed!
That being said, agreed and accepted - was the book any good, and will it actually be of any help to anyone?
In the Introduction, McAfee carefully and adequately describes what atheism actually is - something many `believers' do not fully understand or appreciate. He equally adequately describes the way believers generally view atheists. Understanding the way people perceive these things provides the basis for atheists at least (as strong believers are hardly likely to read this book), to understand believer mentality and attitude toward them. `Believer' indoctrination that atheists are in need of `saving' leaves little room for understanding or allowing them freedom from criticism, let alone freedom of speech without a fight. Gods `will' comes before anything within a thoroughly indoctrinated mindset.
Into the main text, and McAfee's logic, reasoning, and his ability to convey common sense through it, is impeccable, reflecting clearly arguments that are hard to refute. But then I wonder who in their right mind would want to? And that's the rub; so many deluded people with so many different belief systems - all of which are determined as the `right' one, above all others - are so brainwashed that they won't even begin to read the book or try to understand where the arguments come from.
If you could reason with a religious person, there wouldn't be any religious people.
That is obviously why McAfee decided to publish this book - people can at least try coming out as atheists using the sensible and well considered methods of persuasion and understanding that he advocates. The only comment I would make about that is that no amount of effort is likely to succeed in making someone devoutly religious change their minds (and that is not the book's objective), but they may just more readily understand the atheistic view. It's about all you can hope for - and that's no fault of McAfee's, whose work is brilliant - it's just the way delusion works.
In my experience, someone has to want to know the truth and have had their own personal epiphany that there may be something wrong with their belief system before they become willing to even listen to reason. Before that point, nothing will shake them; in fact, explanations of reality will more likely be met with hostility and rejection than acceptance and understanding, regardless of how irrational such a stance may be in the face of evidence. Creationism and a biblical world flood are classic examples; obviously scientifically unsustainable yet for the believer, no amount of evidence will break down the wall of faith in their personal absurd reality.
McAfee clearly understands this though and his writing accommodates such defence mechanisms, helping the reader structure the best way forward in what can often be unfamiliar and daunting territory. The task of coming out to family and friends may seem insurmountable - and if this book does not provide a route that successfully helps a person to succeed in that quest, it is not the fault of the book or the author - there is no more you can do when someone has a mind completely closed to reality. All you can do is gently try, try and try again. If nothing else, McAfee's work could be the best friend you will have as you try to adjust your life to reality and explain it to those you love.
McAfee gives encouragement and hope along with providing understanding of the psyche of the believer. He then provides several chapters on how to approach the problem of gaining understanding - not to be confused with trying to de-convert someone, which is virtually impossible without them first wanting to question.
This is a self-help book covering many aspects that may not immediately come to mind before reading about them but may be essential to the future health and happiness of someone coming to terms with their newfound absence of belief in gods and then trying to adequately explain themselves to others. The Q&A section is particularly helpful for anyone needing to answer similar questions from friends and family who simply cannot understand why you no longer believe. Highly recommended.
Jim Whitefield ~ Author of `The Mormon Delusion' series.
"...all people are born not believing in a god or gods, and only come to believe in such entities once they have been taught the idea by others - so, atheism is the "default" position." This summary position by the author is taken from an Ernestine Rose quote he provides on page 5: "It is an interesting and demonstrable fact, that all children are atheists and were religion not inculcated into their minds, they would remain so." That poignant but oft neglected and somewhat unrecognised truth says it all really.
McAfee follows that thought with the comment that "In most instances, a child is taught early on that their parent's religion is the Truth - and all others are evil. This mindset is rarely shaken and those beliefs are often passed on to further generations." "Luckily for me" concludes McAfee, "that didn't happen." Lucky indeed!
That being said, agreed and accepted - was the book any good, and will it actually be of any help to anyone?
In the Introduction, McAfee carefully and adequately describes what atheism actually is - something many `believers' do not fully understand or appreciate. He equally adequately describes the way believers generally view atheists. Understanding the way people perceive these things provides the basis for atheists at least (as strong believers are hardly likely to read this book), to understand believer mentality and attitude toward them. `Believer' indoctrination that atheists are in need of `saving' leaves little room for understanding or allowing them freedom from criticism, let alone freedom of speech without a fight. Gods `will' comes before anything within a thoroughly indoctrinated mindset.
Into the main text, and McAfee's logic, reasoning, and his ability to convey common sense through it, is impeccable, reflecting clearly arguments that are hard to refute. But then I wonder who in their right mind would want to? And that's the rub; so many deluded people with so many different belief systems - all of which are determined as the `right' one, above all others - are so brainwashed that they won't even begin to read the book or try to understand where the arguments come from.
If you could reason with a religious person, there wouldn't be any religious people.
That is obviously why McAfee decided to publish this book - people can at least try coming out as atheists using the sensible and well considered methods of persuasion and understanding that he advocates. The only comment I would make about that is that no amount of effort is likely to succeed in making someone devoutly religious change their minds (and that is not the book's objective), but they may just more readily understand the atheistic view. It's about all you can hope for - and that's no fault of McAfee's, whose work is brilliant - it's just the way delusion works.
In my experience, someone has to want to know the truth and have had their own personal epiphany that there may be something wrong with their belief system before they become willing to even listen to reason. Before that point, nothing will shake them; in fact, explanations of reality will more likely be met with hostility and rejection than acceptance and understanding, regardless of how irrational such a stance may be in the face of evidence. Creationism and a biblical world flood are classic examples; obviously scientifically unsustainable yet for the believer, no amount of evidence will break down the wall of faith in their personal absurd reality.
McAfee clearly understands this though and his writing accommodates such defence mechanisms, helping the reader structure the best way forward in what can often be unfamiliar and daunting territory. The task of coming out to family and friends may seem insurmountable - and if this book does not provide a route that successfully helps a person to succeed in that quest, it is not the fault of the book or the author - there is no more you can do when someone has a mind completely closed to reality. All you can do is gently try, try and try again. If nothing else, McAfee's work could be the best friend you will have as you try to adjust your life to reality and explain it to those you love.
McAfee gives encouragement and hope along with providing understanding of the psyche of the believer. He then provides several chapters on how to approach the problem of gaining understanding - not to be confused with trying to de-convert someone, which is virtually impossible without them first wanting to question.
This is a self-help book covering many aspects that may not immediately come to mind before reading about them but may be essential to the future health and happiness of someone coming to terms with their newfound absence of belief in gods and then trying to adequately explain themselves to others. The Q&A section is particularly helpful for anyone needing to answer similar questions from friends and family who simply cannot understand why you no longer believe. Highly recommended.
Jim Whitefield ~ Author of `The Mormon Delusion' series.
June 11, 2013
While I would highly recommend this book to younger atheists and freethinkers struggling with how to talk about their feelings, the text itself is overly repetitive and ill-put together. Anyone having lived with their thoughts and explorations of un-belief for very long will probably agree that much cleaner texts exist as encouragement to other atheists and freethinkers. The author's inclusion of other atheists' personal stories in their own words was a very redemptive element of the text. Also, the author included a great list of resources for non-believers at the end of the book. Overall, I feel comfortable with offering this book as a text to students and younger atheists and freethinkers. However, I would not recommend this for anyone having already deeply explored their non-belief.
June 6, 2013
I've been openly "out" for a few years, so I read this book more to learn David's advice and determine whether this book would be beneficial to my "closeted" atheist acquaintances and friends.
David does a great job providing objective advice and discussion strategy for "coming out." I will (and have already) gladly recommend this book.
David does a great job providing objective advice and discussion strategy for "coming out." I will (and have already) gladly recommend this book.
June 29, 2013
This is a great book for someone who's struggling with how to come out as an theist as well as for a believer who may want to understand what an atheist may be going through & how they are feeling when they are realizing or have realized that they no longer have faith. It's definitely a book I wish I had a few years ago through my own personal search. Few believers realize that it's not an easy thing to let go of if it's something you've known the majority of your life but it can't be helped if one follows the facts & evidence & can not maintain faith in good conscience. The personal stories from other atheists are a great addition to the book. The resources found towards the end are a great reference for support that I'm sure many atheists wish they had when they were in this position. It's something I would recommend to be given by anyone who knows someone who has lost their faith but unsure about how to come out to friends & family.
August 30, 2018
It's been a long time since I've read introductory books on Religion. I want to get a well-rounded understanding of Religion so I've been reading a lot of books on secularism this summer. Among these books is David G McAfee's, "Mom, Dad, I'm an Atheist."
This is a very practical book. I wish I would have had it when I "came out" to my parents. I was lucky that I wasn't living at their house, was overseas, and didn't actually know when I'd see them. My community of friends did not also depend on a Church at the time since I wasn't going to church.
Many kids are facing drastically different circumstances. Being atheist is a courageous action if you are raised in those circumstances. You are expected to follow these principles & will face disappointment if you don't. I urge you to consider being honest about your absence of belief. It helps others have the freedom to do so themselves.
This is a very practical book. I wish I would have had it when I "came out" to my parents. I was lucky that I wasn't living at their house, was overseas, and didn't actually know when I'd see them. My community of friends did not also depend on a Church at the time since I wasn't going to church.
Many kids are facing drastically different circumstances. Being atheist is a courageous action if you are raised in those circumstances. You are expected to follow these principles & will face disappointment if you don't. I urge you to consider being honest about your absence of belief. It helps others have the freedom to do so themselves.
December 23, 2021
McAfee wrote an accessible, quick primer composed of stand alone essays that cover the basic points of telling your family and friends you don't believe in god. It's hard to grow up in the Western world of science, technology, and comparative opulence and not question ancient beliefs. We live in a far-far different world than that of the Desert Sea nomadic desert peoples of four or five thousand years ago. But most of us do not go "all the way" and reject the notion of god. Why is this? McAffee points to our youth, "the childhood baptisms, forced participation in religious rituals from a young age, and teaching children who are too young to understand that their religion is the only correct one, and that all others will burn in Hell."
But like myself, the final nail in the author's rejection of "belief" came with his actually reading the text of the bible and not the picture books or story summaries provided during the time when we were indoctrinated as youths into a religion by our family and community: "I decided to read the bible in its entirety to get a more complete picture of what it teaches and, more importantly, why. It is at this time, after seeing first-hand the violent, discriminatory, and hate-filled passages that our pastor had neglected to read aloud, that I decided that not only was I not a Christian, but I was against the notion of organized religion in general."
Reading the actual bible itself isn't the most easy or comforting thing to do. I don't think its an accident that most editions are written in small text, laid out unnecessarily in confusing columns, and normally printed on crappy paper that otherwise would have been used to roll cigarettes. All these things make a bible physically very inaccessible to a questioning but not really determined "diet christian," which is what the vast preponderance of the people I know are. But I encourage you if you are wondering about the notion of god and your place in the universe to read the book of what you consider your faith.
An important point I took from the book is that out that "coming out" as an atheist is somewhat different -- and potentially more delicate -- than coming out sexuality-wise. I've come out as both and concur with this observation. After all, when a person declares they are gay, their pronouncement is not usually taken as judging the heterosexual normativeness of other people. However, when someone comes out as an atheist, they are essentially telling other people that their sincerely held beliefs are bunk.
McAfee succinctly sums up the most important reason to come out as an atheist: "More than anything else, coming out as an atheist gives you the opportunity to educate believers — to show them that it is entirely possible to be morally good without believing that we are being policed by an all-knowing deity."
A little repetitive.
But like myself, the final nail in the author's rejection of "belief" came with his actually reading the text of the bible and not the picture books or story summaries provided during the time when we were indoctrinated as youths into a religion by our family and community: "I decided to read the bible in its entirety to get a more complete picture of what it teaches and, more importantly, why. It is at this time, after seeing first-hand the violent, discriminatory, and hate-filled passages that our pastor had neglected to read aloud, that I decided that not only was I not a Christian, but I was against the notion of organized religion in general."
Reading the actual bible itself isn't the most easy or comforting thing to do. I don't think its an accident that most editions are written in small text, laid out unnecessarily in confusing columns, and normally printed on crappy paper that otherwise would have been used to roll cigarettes. All these things make a bible physically very inaccessible to a questioning but not really determined "diet christian," which is what the vast preponderance of the people I know are. But I encourage you if you are wondering about the notion of god and your place in the universe to read the book of what you consider your faith.
An important point I took from the book is that out that "coming out" as an atheist is somewhat different -- and potentially more delicate -- than coming out sexuality-wise. I've come out as both and concur with this observation. After all, when a person declares they are gay, their pronouncement is not usually taken as judging the heterosexual normativeness of other people. However, when someone comes out as an atheist, they are essentially telling other people that their sincerely held beliefs are bunk.
McAfee succinctly sums up the most important reason to come out as an atheist: "More than anything else, coming out as an atheist gives you the opportunity to educate believers — to show them that it is entirely possible to be morally good without believing that we are being policed by an all-knowing deity."
A little repetitive.
September 7, 2016
So, yeah. Initially, I was really looking for some way to tell my parents about me being godless. It's been bugging me for a long time because I have to pretend to be who I am not. I was hoping that I really could get something after reading this.
The contain is good, actually. Giving some crucial points on coming out to your parents, but then, baaam! I'm sure I heard some inner voice in me like saying something like "Wrong culture, bro! Suck it!" to me and laughed hysterically.
I live in a pretty religious country that considers religion as a big, huge matter. And I wanna respect that. It's Moslem dominant, so, yeah, what could I expect, right? It's pretty strict and I don't wanna mess things up. Again. After a bunch of thoughts, I guess I better just to keep it to myself.
But if you live in a western country, this book might be a spot on for you.
The contain is good, actually. Giving some crucial points on coming out to your parents, but then, baaam! I'm sure I heard some inner voice in me like saying something like "Wrong culture, bro! Suck it!" to me and laughed hysterically.
I live in a pretty religious country that considers religion as a big, huge matter. And I wanna respect that. It's Moslem dominant, so, yeah, what could I expect, right? It's pretty strict and I don't wanna mess things up. Again. After a bunch of thoughts, I guess I better just to keep it to myself.
But if you live in a western country, this book might be a spot on for you.
June 8, 2014
Great advice and encouragement for those moving to non-belief, offering advice on how to come out to friends and family, dealing with negative reactions and where to find support. Calm and supportive writing from this young religious studies graduate.
February 28, 2014
Really great resources & I love his reasons for coming out & how to answer questions many people may ask you as leaving your religion. Definitely keeping this one!
February 6, 2015
Short, simple but well written book. A good introduction to secularism and atheism for nonbelievers & believers alike.
April 10, 2015
Got this for free during a promotion. My thanks to the author!
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews