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Back Off: How to Confront and Stop Sexual Harassment and Harassers
Back Off! is filled with real-life success stories from women who have stopped harassers cold:
-- Sharon, who succeeded in stopping a whole crew of habitual harassers in a city park...
-- Stephanie, a ten-year-old who confronted and escaped a child molester...
-- Catharine and Molly, who stood up to their landlord and stopped him from harassing the tenants...and dozens more. From an eight-year-old who successfully challenged two young harassers on the playground to an organized group of fifty women who confronted a dockworker in response to an attempted rape on the job, here's what they did, how they did it -- and how you can do it, too.
Back Off! is the first book to focus on the direct-action tactics that work and the first to deal with harassment everywhere it takes place, in both blue-collar and white-collar jobs, at school, on the street, on the bus or subway, in the park, even in church.
Back Off! examines the dynamics of sex and power in sexual harassment, the motives behind harassers' actions, and why traditional responses such as appeasement or aggression don't work, and describes the successful resistance strategies that you really can use -- including nonviolent personal confrontation techniques, group confrontations, administrative remedies, and formal lawsuits.
-- Sharon, who succeeded in stopping a whole crew of habitual harassers in a city park...
-- Stephanie, a ten-year-old who confronted and escaped a child molester...
-- Catharine and Molly, who stood up to their landlord and stopped him from harassing the tenants...and dozens more. From an eight-year-old who successfully challenged two young harassers on the playground to an organized group of fifty women who confronted a dockworker in response to an attempted rape on the job, here's what they did, how they did it -- and how you can do it, too.
Back Off! is the first book to focus on the direct-action tactics that work and the first to deal with harassment everywhere it takes place, in both blue-collar and white-collar jobs, at school, on the street, on the bus or subway, in the park, even in church.
Back Off! examines the dynamics of sex and power in sexual harassment, the motives behind harassers' actions, and why traditional responses such as appeasement or aggression don't work, and describes the successful resistance strategies that you really can use -- including nonviolent personal confrontation techniques, group confrontations, administrative remedies, and formal lawsuits.
- GenresFeminismNonfiction
384 pages, Paperback
First published July 1, 1993
66 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
February 21, 2014
I hate that I needed this book. I hate how useful I found it. But in the world that we live in, the ideas, testimonies, and advice in this book are invaluable. I found strength in reading the stories of other women who conquered sexism on the street or in their work place and found confidence in the assurances that there was something I could do.
April 13, 2018
This how-to book was written in 1993, yet, sadly, feels like it was written yesterday. I learned so much that I wish I knew then, but worst of all, everything I have taught my daughter is wrong! This NEEDS to be required reading for every woman, girl, and ally. It is broken into three chapters: street harassers and sexual harassers, muggers and robbers, and molesters and rapists. I will break it down in case you don't have time to read this book, but you should, like I said, it needs to be required!!
Street Harassers: This is where I told my daughter to just ignore them and keep walking. However, silence gives them power (it gives them power in ALL of the scenarios mentioned above), and silence makes the woman feel shamed, powerless, angry, shaken and does nothing to change men's behavior in the future. I still have ugly men's words about my body in my brain from 30 years ago, and I wish I could go back and confront them. Because confrontation is the key to everything. Not attacking the person, not cursing, not yelling. We know by now that passivity is trouble, but so is aggression. We need to be calm and assertive.
1. Name the behavior clearly. "Stop making comment's about women's bodies." Whatever he's just done, say it, and be specific.
2. Hold the harasser accountable for his actions. Don't make excuses, laugh, smile, or act like it didn't happen. Never apologize.
3. Make honest, direct statements. Be serious, straightforward, and blunt. No threats, insults, obscenities."Stop leaning over me every time you come to my desk. You are two inches from me. Move back now."
4. Demand that the harassment stop. "Stop it." "Back off right now." "Don't ever do that to me or any woman ever again."
5. Make it clear that all women have the right to be free from sexual harassment. "That's harassment; I don't like it. No woman likes it!"
6. Stick to your agenda. Be a broken record. When confronted most men will back off, even apologize, but there are those to need to save face because they know they have lost. These are the ones who turn, "hey beautiful, nice ass" into "ugly bitch." No matter what he says, firmly repeat the same statement. Repetition is powerful. It keeps you from getting tangled in the harasser's agenda, and makes you seen unshakable and decisively in control. Keep at it until HE backs down.
7. Reinforce your statements with strong, self-respecting body language. Look them in the eye. Keep your head up, shoulders back, hold your ground.
8. Respond at the appropriate level. Verbal harassment gets a strong, clear verbal response: Name the behavior, object on behalf of yourself and all women, and demand that it stop. Physical harassment requires a dual response. Remove the hand or knee away from your body and say, "That's harassment. Keep your hands off me. I don't like it. No woman likes it. Don't you ever do that again."
9. End the interaction on your own terms with a strong closing statement. "You heard me. Stop harassing women."
As for rapists, I have known for a long time that it is better to kick and scream, even if he has a weapon, then to go anywhere him. But how can I be 53 years old and never heard of "rape-testing?" Confrontation is extremely important to ward off rapists before they even target you.
"Because most rapists are cowards and bullies, are not carrying a lethal weapon, and are looking for victims they can control, a strong verbal confrontation at the OUTSET can often succeed in breaking off the attack. Confrontation is an extremely effective method of self-defense."
Here's an example of a rape-testing scenario that a man used successfully to rape at least 10 women before he was caught: A man selected victims by stalking women in a supermarket. In the first aisle he would stare at the woman from about 40 feet away. Most women noticed him, but just looked away, ignored him, or went to the next aisle. He would then follow them to the second aisle and continue to stare. If she confronted him at that point ("Stop staring at me!" "Back off!" Stop harassing women!"), he looked for another victim. If she still did nothing, he followed her into the third aisle and deliberately bumped his cart into hers. Even at that stage, many women, trained in feminine politeness, actually said, "Oh, excuse me" instead of confronting him. Those were the women he chose to follow into the parking lot where he assaulted him. THE WOMEN WHO CONFRONTED HIM IN THE SAFETY OF THE SUPERMARKET PREVENTED A RAPE. THE WOMEN WHO REACTED PASSIVELY LEFT THEMSELVES OPEN TO ATTACK.
However, once an attack begins, employ these strategies, as crying, begging, pleading, vomiting, peeing your pants, or any passive or self-demeaning behavior rarely works; in fact, it excites him because he wants to humiliate and feel in control.
1. Resist immediately. The beginning of the attack is crucial, even if he has a weapon. Rapists want to rape; they don't want to stab or shoot you on the street. Many guns don't even have bullets; it is a scare tactic to get you to go with him.
2. Yell and keep on yelling. Don't scream help or fire. Shout no, or just scream, scream, scream. Yell "This is an attack. Call the cops." Shout and don't stop shouting for as long as possible.
3. Learn effective self-defense skills and tactics ahead of time.
4. Once you get free, run. Bang on doors, run into the middle of the street. Don't stop running and screaming until you are safe.
As a woman who has been a victim of street harassers, a work-place harrasser, a mugger, and a rapist, I wish I had ingrained these strategies into my soul when I was younger. Although, I did scream bloody murder when I was mugged and fought back, I never said a single word or did a single thing in my defense in the other scenarios. When it is sexual, we feel so much shame. It is time to put the shame where it belongs. We need to arm women with self-esteem and self-confidence, so they know their self-worth and will use their voices to stop attacks. All the knowledge in the world will be of no use if girls don't believe they have the right or the strength to speak up.
Street Harassers: This is where I told my daughter to just ignore them and keep walking. However, silence gives them power (it gives them power in ALL of the scenarios mentioned above), and silence makes the woman feel shamed, powerless, angry, shaken and does nothing to change men's behavior in the future. I still have ugly men's words about my body in my brain from 30 years ago, and I wish I could go back and confront them. Because confrontation is the key to everything. Not attacking the person, not cursing, not yelling. We know by now that passivity is trouble, but so is aggression. We need to be calm and assertive.
1. Name the behavior clearly. "Stop making comment's about women's bodies." Whatever he's just done, say it, and be specific.
2. Hold the harasser accountable for his actions. Don't make excuses, laugh, smile, or act like it didn't happen. Never apologize.
3. Make honest, direct statements. Be serious, straightforward, and blunt. No threats, insults, obscenities."Stop leaning over me every time you come to my desk. You are two inches from me. Move back now."
4. Demand that the harassment stop. "Stop it." "Back off right now." "Don't ever do that to me or any woman ever again."
5. Make it clear that all women have the right to be free from sexual harassment. "That's harassment; I don't like it. No woman likes it!"
6. Stick to your agenda. Be a broken record. When confronted most men will back off, even apologize, but there are those to need to save face because they know they have lost. These are the ones who turn, "hey beautiful, nice ass" into "ugly bitch." No matter what he says, firmly repeat the same statement. Repetition is powerful. It keeps you from getting tangled in the harasser's agenda, and makes you seen unshakable and decisively in control. Keep at it until HE backs down.
7. Reinforce your statements with strong, self-respecting body language. Look them in the eye. Keep your head up, shoulders back, hold your ground.
8. Respond at the appropriate level. Verbal harassment gets a strong, clear verbal response: Name the behavior, object on behalf of yourself and all women, and demand that it stop. Physical harassment requires a dual response. Remove the hand or knee away from your body and say, "That's harassment. Keep your hands off me. I don't like it. No woman likes it. Don't you ever do that again."
9. End the interaction on your own terms with a strong closing statement. "You heard me. Stop harassing women."
As for rapists, I have known for a long time that it is better to kick and scream, even if he has a weapon, then to go anywhere him. But how can I be 53 years old and never heard of "rape-testing?" Confrontation is extremely important to ward off rapists before they even target you.
"Because most rapists are cowards and bullies, are not carrying a lethal weapon, and are looking for victims they can control, a strong verbal confrontation at the OUTSET can often succeed in breaking off the attack. Confrontation is an extremely effective method of self-defense."
Here's an example of a rape-testing scenario that a man used successfully to rape at least 10 women before he was caught: A man selected victims by stalking women in a supermarket. In the first aisle he would stare at the woman from about 40 feet away. Most women noticed him, but just looked away, ignored him, or went to the next aisle. He would then follow them to the second aisle and continue to stare. If she confronted him at that point ("Stop staring at me!" "Back off!" Stop harassing women!"), he looked for another victim. If she still did nothing, he followed her into the third aisle and deliberately bumped his cart into hers. Even at that stage, many women, trained in feminine politeness, actually said, "Oh, excuse me" instead of confronting him. Those were the women he chose to follow into the parking lot where he assaulted him. THE WOMEN WHO CONFRONTED HIM IN THE SAFETY OF THE SUPERMARKET PREVENTED A RAPE. THE WOMEN WHO REACTED PASSIVELY LEFT THEMSELVES OPEN TO ATTACK.
However, once an attack begins, employ these strategies, as crying, begging, pleading, vomiting, peeing your pants, or any passive or self-demeaning behavior rarely works; in fact, it excites him because he wants to humiliate and feel in control.
1. Resist immediately. The beginning of the attack is crucial, even if he has a weapon. Rapists want to rape; they don't want to stab or shoot you on the street. Many guns don't even have bullets; it is a scare tactic to get you to go with him.
2. Yell and keep on yelling. Don't scream help or fire. Shout no, or just scream, scream, scream. Yell "This is an attack. Call the cops." Shout and don't stop shouting for as long as possible.
3. Learn effective self-defense skills and tactics ahead of time.
4. Once you get free, run. Bang on doors, run into the middle of the street. Don't stop running and screaming until you are safe.
As a woman who has been a victim of street harassers, a work-place harrasser, a mugger, and a rapist, I wish I had ingrained these strategies into my soul when I was younger. Although, I did scream bloody murder when I was mugged and fought back, I never said a single word or did a single thing in my defense in the other scenarios. When it is sexual, we feel so much shame. It is time to put the shame where it belongs. We need to arm women with self-esteem and self-confidence, so they know their self-worth and will use their voices to stop attacks. All the knowledge in the world will be of no use if girls don't believe they have the right or the strength to speak up.
December 29, 2018
Reread/skimmed this because we've been talking about sexual harassment at work.
It definitely feels kind of 2nd wave feminist-y, but there's still a lot that's relevant. It was really fascinating to see Anita Hill discussed as a contemporary case, with Christine Blasey Ford's testimony hitting my generation in a very similar way.
I remember the first time I read this book as a 21-year-old it helped me feel more emboldened to stick up for myself, and I'm grateful for that impactful reading experience. Now as a 30-year-old who both puts up with less and gets harassed less, I just felt sad and angry reading it. Though I get less guff on the street than I used to, I definitely encounter a lot of creeps in my line of work, and I hate that fear of retaliation impacts me and my coworker's behavior so much.
-December 2018
It definitely feels kind of 2nd wave feminist-y, but there's still a lot that's relevant. It was really fascinating to see Anita Hill discussed as a contemporary case, with Christine Blasey Ford's testimony hitting my generation in a very similar way.
I remember the first time I read this book as a 21-year-old it helped me feel more emboldened to stick up for myself, and I'm grateful for that impactful reading experience. Now as a 30-year-old who both puts up with less and gets harassed less, I just felt sad and angry reading it. Though I get less guff on the street than I used to, I definitely encounter a lot of creeps in my line of work, and I hate that fear of retaliation impacts me and my coworker's behavior so much.
-December 2018
July 3, 2010
This book didn't contain any particularly groundbreaking techniques for confronting sexual harassment, but it's a great primer and intro for women who may believe harassment is flattering or compliance is safer. The survey is fantastic, and I definately plan to use it.
September 21, 2013
A thorough examination of sexual harassment and the most effective techniques for anyone to confront the perpetrator(s) of sexual harassment.
March 2, 2021
The title says it all! In this book, Martha Langelan tells a series of stories describing how sexual harassment victims reacted and were able to confront their harasser and stop the debasement. The book offers proven tips, techniques, and responses for individuals who have been subjected to sexual harassment on the job, at school or on the street. Highly recommended for individuals dealing with sexual harassment issues, particularly those on the receiving end of this unwanted conduct. Readers in human resources who need to be responsive to preventing and dealing with these issues will benefit from the book as well. I have cited it as a resource in my Drawing a Line blog.
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October 3, 2011As seen on Holla Back DC!.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews