Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?: Trusting God with a Hope Deferred

by Carolyn McCulley, Joshua Harris (Foreword)

Through personal anecdotes and careful examination of Scripture, Carolyn McCulley challenges single women to regard their singleness not as a burden, but as a gift from God that allows them to perform a unique role in the body of Christ.

Genres: Christian, Relationships, Nonfiction, Theology, Christian Living, Marriage, Christianity

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

About the author

Carolyn McCulley is the author of Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World (Moody, 2008) and Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred (Crossway, 2004), as well as hundreds of articles for publications, including Christianity Today, Boundless.org, and the Washington Post. She is also a contributor to Sex and the Supremacy of Christ and the ESV Women's Devotional Bible. She is a frequent conference speaker and the founder/owner of Citygate Films LLC, a documentary film production company based near Washington, DC. She is single and the proud aunt of six nieces and nephews.

Reviews

[Tripleguess · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's hard for me to be objective about this book.

In summary, I found it fuzzy and unsatisfying.

The author acknowledges briefly that there is legitimate pain in being single and wanting marriage, but quickly moves on to the idea that much of that pain is actually that of pride, the feeling of unacknowledged worthiness.

Surely none of us are free from pride. Is that a good reason to sweep our questions under the rug?

Here's the question: "What do I do with my pain?"

It's not right to reply to that by sermonizing, "You shouldn't be jealous when other people are happy."

I'm not saying that was the intent of the book, but that is how I came away feeling. My real questions had not been answered. Maybe we shouldn't care when we are plagued for serving God while openly wicked people overflow with children and other blessings, but then why is Psalm 73 in the Bible?

The book then moves on to a broad range of general topics that apply to anyone in any stage of life -- charitable giving, investing in other people's children, volunteering, wise financial decisions, etc. These are all covered in more depth in other books.

And what is one of the motivations for doing these things well? "Your future husband might like it."

Okay, that's not fair. If I am to face life as a single with integrity, my motivation can NOT be "the husband I MIGHT someday have MIGHT like it." "Might" never got me out of bed in the morning. It is useless for fighting lust and discontentment. (So is telling me that I'm single so the lucky breeders can have free daycare.)

There's a similar line of reasoning on a later bit about children. The author discusses how she consoled herself over still not having had children although her biological clock is about to shut down. "Christianity is founded on miraculous births!"

Yes, that's true. It's also true that for many of us, the answer will remain No until the day we die. Same song, next verse: "Maybe" later is not good enough for facing the absolutely certain pain of today.

"If I never have sex in this life, will I miss out forever?"

"If I never have babies in this life, will I miss out forever?"

"If a man does not love me in this life, will I never be special to anyone?"

These are my real questions, and this book does not answer them. If romance and intimacy are not eternal, there is no point in seeking them at all, for even if I were to obtain them, they would only be taken away from me in the next life.

I believe that better guidance on these issues is offered in "Moving Beyond the Myths" by Jan Silvious, "The Great Divorce" and other works by C. S. Lewis, and perhaps Randy Alcorn's "Heaven."

EDIT: Since posting my review, I've had a particularly bad experience directly due to "investing in other people's children," and as a result have realized that many married (and unmarried!) churchgoing couples actually despise singles who are NOT sexually active; apparently, obeying God with your body sends these people the signal that you are not fully adult -- and, therefore, especially suited to the role of Disposable Babysitter.

Singles, please don't throw your precious time in front of these swine. Be kind to all, but discerning about who you allow into your vulnerable areas; "churchgoing" and "professing Christian" does NOT automatically mean "emotionally safe" or "good investment of a single's free time." Shame on those who pressure singles to barge into "giving, giving, giving" without checking carefully for pitfalls. Unfortunately, that seems to include the majority of the (pseudo-) Christian community.

God can still work through you if you *think* and are discerning and on occasion say No, people. Really. He can.

EDIT 28 Jan 2014: dropped the rating to one star and added a couple lines at the end. I am even more aggravated with this mindset than I used to be.

[LadyCalico · Rating 2 out of 5]

Another Pollyanna book that tries to erroneously portray the consequences of human sin as the will of God. This book deals with the problem of the pain and loneliness of single life as effectively as a cork cures diarrhea, makeup removes a skin cancer, or a narcotic alleviates grief. The biggest problem of this well-intentioned author is that her basic premise is based on error. The author states that "the Bible calls singleness a "gift." Not so, that is just one skewed interpretation of Paul's words on the matter. Referring to singleness, per se, as a "gift" is only done in a few of the more erroneous paraphrases of scripture, not the better and truer translations. Also, no matter how Biblical you get, there is a big difference between chosen and unwanted singleness. So the best Ms. McCulley can offer you is a well-intentioned book based on a very poor understanding and much confusing of the circumstantial will of God with the ultimate will of God. It may contain some okay pop psychology but based on twisted theology. Let's not lie and pretend otherwise: the ugly reality is that there are way too many Christian women living painful, lonely lives of singleness and divorce, as well as too many Christian women living with unhappy marriages, because single men are retreating from God and all sense of decency and morality in way higher percentages than the single women. There are just not enough men in our world who hold a value system that can lead to a successful or happy marriage (And in truth there are also too many women who live lives of singleness, divorce, and unhappy marriage because they, too, have withdrawn from God and Godly values, but they are probably not the ones reading this book.) Singleness is not due to the ultimate Will of God as described in scripture but rather the consequences of disobedience to God's will, aka SIN. Sin damages more people than just the sinner, and there are a lot of Christian women who through no fault of their own are carrying a cross of unwanted singleness because of the prevalent sins of the men in our non-Christian culture. The truth sets you free, and this book is pretty, but not the truth. It is better to acknowledge the real truth--deep down no matter how you try to deny it, you know that indeed you hurt badly, and your pain is probably NOT the will of God but the side-effect of the sin endemic in our un-Godly culture. When the world was as God willed, "The Lord God said 'it is not good for the man to be alone.'" Paul lives in the fallen world and addresses singleness as another painful fact of life we may have to deal with while serving God as best we can in sinful and dangerous circumstances. Can God's grace, strength, and wisdom help you to live with the pain and loneliness of unwanted singleness and can his circumstantial will help you make the best of an undesireable situation brought about by mankind's sin? Of course, but He works best if you live in the truth.

[Eva · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is hands-down the best Christian single woman book I've ever read. I heard the author speaking on the radio and knew right away that I wanted to read her book. She doesn't talk about how to get a husband or how to barely tolerate your sad life until God gives you a man - she tells you the hard truth that being sorry for yourself is not OK, that God has been indescribably generous to you, and then chapter by chapter, she gently and kindly shows you how to live a thankful, meaningful life whether or not a man ever shows up. She's very honest about her own shortcomings, which is endearing and helps make her advice easier to take.

There were only a couple things I didn't like. One was that I thought the title was a drag - in case you didn't know, it's a play on "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," a popular Christian relationship book. Even though it did strike a chord when I first read it, it was in a very negative way, and it isn't what the book is about; it isn't about reassuring you that you're marriable and that your man is coming. I felt like I had to hide it when I was reading it over lunch breaks at work, as I didn't want to have to explain it to coworkers; the giant diamond ring on the cover and panicky title just seemed sort of pathetic, and the content is anything but.

The other negative, for me personally, was that the author seemed a little overly old-fashioned sometimes. I don't mean too conservative about how to conduct yourself - I'm very conservative - but in one chapter, for example, she emphasizes that you need to spend time becoming a good cook while you're single so that you'll be able to cook for your husband. I cringed when I read that because she had been so well focused on spiritual goals throughout, and I really didn't like to see traditional social roles tacitly equated with spiritual goals. It was probably more clunky writing than anything, but given some denominations' histories of setting up behavioral rules for men and women beyond what's found in the Bible, I didn't feel like that was the best to include.

But if you can see past the title and a little bit of advice that is not really necessary, there is chapter after chapter of solid, Bible-based advice on contentment and using your life in a positive way to honor God and help those around you. Overall, I was really happy with this book.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a book rec from a friend (s/o to Katterli) and wow this was so good and convicting! The author is so relatable and does a good job of mixing some hard truths with encouragement. This is not so much a book about dating as it is about how to embrace your femininity first as a woman, regardless of your relationship status. The author does a beautiful job of painting a portrait of a Proverbs 31 woman. Some of my favorite quotes:

-“Wise men and women remain confounded by the mystery of attraction and romance. We really don’t know why some relationships bud and bloom, and others do not. It takes humility—a sober recognition of our limitations—to be comfortable with that mystery.”

- “The Bible shows us, married or single, that the emphasis is on our femininity.”

- “Resignation is a begrudging existence, one based in not believing the best of God. Both operate out of a mind-set that God has finite resources—a God of scarcity and not abundance—as though if one person gets blessed, that diminishes our chances of being similarly blessed.”

- “But my college degree and most of my work experience have absolutely no bearing on eternity. My fruitfulness as a godly woman does have an eternal impact.”

[Meagan | The Chapter House · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay, where was this book 10 or 15 years ago? Lol. I wish I’d had it when I graduated from college single (a college where six aunts and seven uncles attended and met their now spouses). I’m way past the point I thought I’d be married with kids, and this book was such an encouragement regarding my own attitude and how I’ve been “making the best of an undesirable situation”, frankly.

I can’t say it’s a “perfect” read in all aspects; as with most things, take it with a grain of salt for your own situation. Not everyone should buy a house, for example, and the section on homeownership seemed a stronger urge to buy than is really, I feel, necessary. I would love to own a house, sure; the idea is great. There are a lot of perks. But I also have no desire to be the one managing things when they go wrong, and infinitely prefer the actual owner (not me) shell out and deal with things. Ha!

Still, definitely a good read, especially for singles between 20-40.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure what to expect from this book, but the title was interesting enough to get me to read it. I'm glad I did, I was pleasantly surprised. For one, I appreciated that the author is herself a single woman of 40, not a married woman or a younger single, but a mature single woman with wisdom and experience worth sharing. I also appreciated that she used Proverbs 31 as a guide. So often within the church Proverbs 31 is used only as a guide for wives and mothers, when really it is a useful guide for all women, married or not. Lastly, I appreciated that the book was all about practical ways single women can serve others in their church and communities - not a book all about why you shouldn't feel bad about being single - this is a book that says, "So, you're single, here's a good way to be a servant regardless of your circumstances". Overall, definitely appreciated and enjoyed this book and would recommend to any friends or family members who are single and worried that life is passing them by or that God isn't/can't use them until they are married.

[Nikki Bramwell · Rating 2 out of 5]

Probably going to provide a more complete review of this book. But in general, it was great to read Carolyn's encouragement that singleness is a gift. While I have known this myself a long time ago (growing up as a follower of Jesus, a bible reader, and a thinker), I did assert this to myself. But there is something very special when you've been single a long time and someone (an author) dedicates a whole chapter to that concept and encouragement. In many ways, if you're a veteran single, the "gift" gathers dust and isn't as well-received due to just the same ol' desire of wanting marriage. But having that view, maintaining the view of the "giftedness" of singleness is heart warming and powerful.

There are some problematic things within the writing of this book. Mainly, if you're someone like me who has deconstructed from religion (Christianity), it'll be easy to find statements Carolyn makes that are classic Evangelical fluff or dogma. No need to specify those here but as expected that's what christian books will give you - dogma mixed with platitudes.

Definitely there's a positive relatability to the authors journey of dealing with singleness.

[Reagan Bon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book has been a true blessing and encouragement. It actually reads more like an extended letter from a funny, godly, brutally honest older sister to her rather discouraged and bewildered younger sisters. McCulley, single and in her forties, has a lot of biblical wisdom to offer. As someone who's "been there and done that," she's in a unique position to be able to point out the mistakes and temptations we most often deal with as single women. She also provides clarity about what it means to view singleness as a gift -- a gift to be used to the glory of God and for the good of others. Her Scripture-saturated words are challenging, convicting, and encouraging. A must-read for single women... a re-read for me!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

She had some really inciteful points backed by biblical scripture! I'm going to try to overlook the one section on a woman's physical appearance that was not backed quite as well, but overall it was pretty good! The afterword was good too, ultimately pointing to the gospel message, but the personal anecdote about getting a traffic warning instead of a ticket was a bit weak lol. Otherwise, a mostly good book!

[Denise Reed · Rating 3 out of 5]

Slow read it lost my interest with using some of the quotations. Majority of book talks about proverbs 31 woman. Book recommendations at end of chapter helpful. Favorite chapters were 2 and 11. I liked the perspective of how submission is modeled for us in the Trinity. Offered different perspective on parenting without kids such as influence of an aunt

[Justine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting overview of God's purpose for singleness and marriage. Good practical advice for making the most of your singleness. I didn't agree with some of the author's points about harnessing your feminity, but overall it was an upbeat and Gospel-centered book.

[Alice · Rating 3 out of 5]

Assigned reading… 😑

[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

Finally! I don't think it has ever taken me this long to finish a book before! While I think McCulley does an excellent job in the first portion of the book explaining how being single is a 'gift', it quickly became evident that she holds MUCH more conservative view on what a Christian woman should look like. She walks through the qualities of a Probers 31 woman but really failed to glean any new information than what I think an average reader might get. Beyond that, she gives a commentary and anticdotes about how to achiever this. However, in many instances, these included opiions that seemed legalistic, extremely conservative, and at times, made generalizations about women who don't hold to these extremely conservative values that tend to question their sincerness in their faith.

I think it has given me some good perspective, but don't expect me to be rereading it anytime soon!

[Elizabeth · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are a few decent principles in this book, but overall, I found the content to be full of extra-biblical 'advice' that really may only be helpful in specific contexts. The author is quite open about her personal struggles and frustrations with her own views of relationships as well as those that are espoused by her church community or well-intentioned friends. The author's candor and wit are evident throughout each chapter which makes the book an easy read. However, the chapters based on Proverbs 31 and "The Rules" were at the least, unhelpful and at the worst, negligent. Overall, you have to wade through a lot to get to the helpful content, but there could be worse ways to spend your time.

[Inga Bazinga · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was reading this book as a part of a Bible study assignment for singles. There are some good points on the fact that we shouldn’t consider being single as burden but rather a gift, same as a gift of being married. And should enjoy life as is rather then waiting for someone to make everything make sense...
But generally the book left an impression that while you are being single you should pray/ expect to meet someone some day. Which I do not necessarily agree. Tbh, do not agree at all.
Not all single people in church or outside of it are going to marry, whether they want it or not. And i would not advise anyone to have fake expectations since it only can lead to disappointment in a long run.

[Colleenish · Rating 2 out of 5]

I devoured this book in a few hours. I didn't hate or love it, and now, a few days later, I'm having trouble recalling what I learned. While there were some funny and applicable parts, like the passage about "dating in your mind," I didn't find a lot new or a lot that inspired me to live differently. I really wished that there had been a few more examples, and (I know I'm a terrible person) a little bit less scripture. I thought that the book was lessened by its dependence on quotations from the Bible and many other sources.

I didn't think this was a bad book. It's probably a good resource and perspective to have at hand.

[Jaclynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would heartily recommend this book to any single woman, young or old simply for the encouragement alone that it contains. Carolyn draws off of much personal experience, as a 40-something single woman and also the model of the Proverbs 31 woman in the topics she discusses. She acknowledges the state of singlehood with fresh honesty, but also candidly suggests action, not a sit-and-cry-about-it approach. Each chapter ends with a Further Study section with helpful book and article suggestion.

[Rosa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I looked this book up on amazon.com. this book is really good to read if God doesn't want you to be married unless you finish up schooling first. Very insightful and easy to understand.
I have read most of the chapters to this book.

It is good if you are meant to be college bound rather then enter the workforce and pray for a marriage relationship.

[The Gatekeeper · Rating 4 out of 5]

I felt a little weird starting this book, considering the title and the fact that I'm not even the legal age to be married yet. :) But the book really addresses issues that apply to all singles, even young ones. I found it to be very helpful and well-written, and the message of trusting God is one that always applies to my life, especially in this season of it.

[Rachel Woodward · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on Proverbs 31 for the single woman. Honestly, the title of the book threw me off a bit -- it's not about "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" at all, or the whole courtship question, but is strictly addressing singleness itself. I loved the author's frank, down-to-earth voice, and how personal she was with different struggles. I was challenged and encouraged.

[Katie W · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first tried to read this book I could not get into it, but I think it was just not the right timing for me. It came up again for a women's Bible study, and I really enjoyed reading this book then. It has a lot of positive encouragement and insight into the Proverbs 31. We went through this book after a study on some of the Proverbs, and it fit really well.

[Sarah Fowler Wolfe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Encouraging and convicting. Restored my excitement and gratitude for my singleness. Really can't recommend this enough to single women (of any age) or married women who would like to encourage single friends. Wish I could buy multiple copies to give away!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who does counseling of women, especially single women. I learned a lot from it even though I'm married.

[Cbass · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent as well, not what it sounds like...

[Elaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great christian book that talks about being single and how to make the best of it. also provides a host of reference books to read after each chapter.

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been looking forward to reading this for almost 6 months. I'm sure Carolyn McCulley will offer as much wisdom as I expect!

[Rose Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love how it takes you through Proverbs 31...verse by verse.
Well done. Has great further study readings at the end of each chapter.

[Fritz Guevarra]

Very inspiring book just read its preview from the internet and want to buy my copy.

[High Pointe Baptist Church]

Can we trust God when our hearts

[Randy Alcorn]

Carolyn McCulley has written a remarkable book, biblically-saturated and Christ-exalting. Her words are wise, encouraging, personal and much-needed. I highly recommend Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?