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Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens
The Parent's STEP/Teen, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens
- GenresNonfictionParenting
Paperback
First published July 12, 1984
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Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews
November 29, 2025
Book Review: Parenting Teenagers by Don Dinkmeyer
I recently picked up Don Dinkmeyer’s Parenting Teenagers for a reread as I navigate the choppy waters of raising my second daughter, and its enduring value is more apparent than ever. This is not just theoretical psychology; it’s a refreshingly insightful and practical guide offering clear, actionable strategies to transform the parent-teen relationship from one of constant friction to one of mutual respect and understanding.
🎯 Clarity on Problem Ownership
One of the single most valuable frameworks offered is the concept of Problem Ownership. This boundary setting is crucial for supporting a teen's growing independence while still providing necessary guidance. It encourages parents to step back and allow their teens to take responsibility, intervening only when truly necessary.
Dinkmeyer provides a concise set of questions to immediately determine who "owns" the problem:
Are my rights being disrespected?
Could anyone get hurt?
Is someone's property threatened?
Is my teen unable to take this responsibility?
A "yes" to any of these questions clarifies that the parent owns the problem, providing much-needed clarity in moments of uncertainty and removing significant friction from daily interactions.
💡 Decoding Teen Motivation: The Four Goals of Misbehavior
Dinkmeyer offers a powerful lens through which to view teen behavior: the central motivation is the deep, fundamental desire to belong. This understanding immediately shifts the parenting perspective from managing conflict to fostering connection.
Building on this, the author articulates the Four Goals of Misbehavior, providing a clear roadmap for decoding challenging actions. For each goal, the book identifies the core need driving the behavior and offers a corresponding redirection strategy:
Attention: The teen's core need is Recognition. The redirection strategy is to Shift to Involvement.
Power: The teen seeks Control. The strategy is to Shift to Independence.
Revenge: The teen is driven by the feeling of being Hurt. The strategy is to Shift to Fairness/Forgiveness.
Displaying Inadequacy: The underlying motivation is the Fear of Failure. The solution is to Shift to Being Competent.
🗣️ Mastering Communication: The "I-Message"
A key takeaway that I have successfully utilized in communicating with both my daughters is the effective use of I-Messages. This technique provides a structured, non-confrontational way for parents to express their feelings and needs without triggering defensiveness.
The three essential parts of an I-Message are:
Tell what’s happening: (A neutral description of the behavior).
State how you feel: (Expressing your emotion).
Explain why you feel that way: (The specific impact on you).
🌟 The Power of Encouragement (vs. Praise)
The book makes a critical distinction between praise and encouragement that fundamentally changed my perspective:
Praise is a reward: Teens earn it based on performance.
Encouragement is a gift: It is unconditional support and belief in our teens, which is far more impactful than conditional approval.
Final Verdict
While I found the consistent practice of the author’s recommended Family Meetings challenging, the core philosophy is what truly matters: to build a lasting, fun, supportive, and encouraging relationship with your children.
Parenting Teenagers is an essential, highly recommended resource that equips parents with the tools to deeply understand their teens’ motivations, communicate effectively, and foster true independence. It’s a must-read for any parent preparing for, or currently in the midst of, the challenging and immensely rewarding teenage years.
I recently picked up Don Dinkmeyer’s Parenting Teenagers for a reread as I navigate the choppy waters of raising my second daughter, and its enduring value is more apparent than ever. This is not just theoretical psychology; it’s a refreshingly insightful and practical guide offering clear, actionable strategies to transform the parent-teen relationship from one of constant friction to one of mutual respect and understanding.
🎯 Clarity on Problem Ownership
One of the single most valuable frameworks offered is the concept of Problem Ownership. This boundary setting is crucial for supporting a teen's growing independence while still providing necessary guidance. It encourages parents to step back and allow their teens to take responsibility, intervening only when truly necessary.
Dinkmeyer provides a concise set of questions to immediately determine who "owns" the problem:
Are my rights being disrespected?
Could anyone get hurt?
Is someone's property threatened?
Is my teen unable to take this responsibility?
A "yes" to any of these questions clarifies that the parent owns the problem, providing much-needed clarity in moments of uncertainty and removing significant friction from daily interactions.
💡 Decoding Teen Motivation: The Four Goals of Misbehavior
Dinkmeyer offers a powerful lens through which to view teen behavior: the central motivation is the deep, fundamental desire to belong. This understanding immediately shifts the parenting perspective from managing conflict to fostering connection.
Building on this, the author articulates the Four Goals of Misbehavior, providing a clear roadmap for decoding challenging actions. For each goal, the book identifies the core need driving the behavior and offers a corresponding redirection strategy:
Attention: The teen's core need is Recognition. The redirection strategy is to Shift to Involvement.
Power: The teen seeks Control. The strategy is to Shift to Independence.
Revenge: The teen is driven by the feeling of being Hurt. The strategy is to Shift to Fairness/Forgiveness.
Displaying Inadequacy: The underlying motivation is the Fear of Failure. The solution is to Shift to Being Competent.
🗣️ Mastering Communication: The "I-Message"
A key takeaway that I have successfully utilized in communicating with both my daughters is the effective use of I-Messages. This technique provides a structured, non-confrontational way for parents to express their feelings and needs without triggering defensiveness.
The three essential parts of an I-Message are:
Tell what’s happening: (A neutral description of the behavior).
State how you feel: (Expressing your emotion).
Explain why you feel that way: (The specific impact on you).
🌟 The Power of Encouragement (vs. Praise)
The book makes a critical distinction between praise and encouragement that fundamentally changed my perspective:
Praise is a reward: Teens earn it based on performance.
Encouragement is a gift: It is unconditional support and belief in our teens, which is far more impactful than conditional approval.
Final Verdict
While I found the consistent practice of the author’s recommended Family Meetings challenging, the core philosophy is what truly matters: to build a lasting, fun, supportive, and encouraging relationship with your children.
Parenting Teenagers is an essential, highly recommended resource that equips parents with the tools to deeply understand their teens’ motivations, communicate effectively, and foster true independence. It’s a must-read for any parent preparing for, or currently in the midst of, the challenging and immensely rewarding teenage years.
October 16, 2020
I had to read this for grad school. It has not been updated since the mid 90's and is quite outdated with examples. It is also very basic, in terms of content. This is useful if you are wanting something like parenting for dummies. But if you know what it means to use "I" statements I would look for something else.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews