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It's (Not That) Complicated: How to Relate to Guys in a Healthy, Sane, and Biblical Way by Anna Sofia Botkin
Ever been confused about friendships with boys? How to handle crushes? How friendly is too friendly? How close is too close? What to do when a guy is being way too friendly? What guys think about all this? What it means to be a "sister, in all purity"? Guy-girl relationships have always been complicated, but perhaps never more so than today. It's (Not That) Complicated is a humorous, hopeful, and deeply thought-provoking new look at guy-girl relationships in our times. Dealing practically with such complications as online interaction, Hollywood expectations, undefined relationships, and unrequited love, the Botkin sisters offer enduring biblical principles that can make it all much simpler.
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First published January 1, 2011
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April 13, 2014
If you want a book that talks about Christ-honoring relationships with the opposite gender but don't want extreme patriarchal views intertwined...don't read this book. It had some good ideas. Young men and women can and should communicate and build each other up in the Lord. This I agree with. However, I disagree with the extreme views of the authors as far as their male dominance views go. Basically, women are not complete without men and vica versa. I agree that we need each other, but I do not believe we complete each other. We are complete in Christ. Also, the authors believe that women exist only to help and aid men who are given a mission and visions from God. As if women aren't given visions and missions in life. If you agree with totalitarian patriarchy, then you will love this book. If you believe in complete feminist egalitarianism, then you will abhor this book. I land somewhere in between, because I neither hold to a feminist view or an extreme patriarchal view. So, I can take from the good and throw away the bad.
November 13, 2015
It can be really hard to review a book that changed your life. Let me try anyway.
When I first read It's (Not That) Complicated I'd already read a whole bunch of other books for young women about guy/girl relationships. Most of those seemed to focus on handling emotions, keeping pure, keeping busy, and using your single years to deepen your relationship with God.
It's (Not That) Complicated is about all these things. But it's also about far, far more.
I read it. It was convicting. It was encouraging. It was funny. It was inspiring. It was wise. It was based on Scripture and shied away from a narrow focus on applications. It was tonic for my soul.
It opened my eyes to something I'd never really considered before. Three things, actually.
My brothers.
No other relationship book I'd ever read had ever pleaded with me, so powerfully, so compellingly, to love the men born into my own family.
Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin's message hit me right between the eyes: if I wanted to see good, strong Christian men around me (and I did!!!), I was going to have to start by encouraging my own brothers to be good and strong. I was going to have to start by rolling up my sleeves and learning to love and respect the men I did have around me, and praying that somewhere out there, there were going to be other sisters who had done the same, earlier and better than I did.
It's (Not That) Complicated then introduced me to a second concept no other Christian guy/girl relationship book ever had.
Friendship.
Again, the message hit me between the eyes. Having learned how to be a good sister in Christ by practising as a blood sister, I was now to apply the lessons I'd learned interacting with my brothers to other relationships with other men. Instead of hiding tongue-tied in a corner hoping I'd be noticed, I was going to start making conversation, giving encouragement, lending a gracious listening ear.
So I did. And I've only ever regretted being too thick to start doing it earlier.
It's (Not That) Complicated gave me the tools to see where I was messing up in my relationships with my brothers, and the confidence to go out and interact with brothers in Christ like they were real people. I'd recommend it to any Christian woman who wants to build meaningful relationships with brothers, not just the unmarried. My only complaint is that someone didn't write it years ago.
When I first read It's (Not That) Complicated I'd already read a whole bunch of other books for young women about guy/girl relationships. Most of those seemed to focus on handling emotions, keeping pure, keeping busy, and using your single years to deepen your relationship with God.
It's (Not That) Complicated is about all these things. But it's also about far, far more.
I read it. It was convicting. It was encouraging. It was funny. It was inspiring. It was wise. It was based on Scripture and shied away from a narrow focus on applications. It was tonic for my soul.
It opened my eyes to something I'd never really considered before. Three things, actually.
My brothers.
No other relationship book I'd ever read had ever pleaded with me, so powerfully, so compellingly, to love the men born into my own family.
Today every corner of the globe is crying out for great men. Those of us who have brothers need to recognize the incredible opportunity and responsibility we have been given--to invest in the lives of tomorrow's greatest men. It might be one of the most important things you will ever do.
Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin's message hit me right between the eyes: if I wanted to see good, strong Christian men around me (and I did!!!), I was going to have to start by encouraging my own brothers to be good and strong. I was going to have to start by rolling up my sleeves and learning to love and respect the men I did have around me, and praying that somewhere out there, there were going to be other sisters who had done the same, earlier and better than I did.
It's (Not That) Complicated then introduced me to a second concept no other Christian guy/girl relationship book ever had.
Friendship.
"We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers," says 1 John 3:14. Titus 3:2 commands us "to show perfect courtesy toward all people." What, even guys? All other Christians, yes, but don't we get a special exemption for this one dangerous demographic?
Again, the message hit me between the eyes. Having learned how to be a good sister in Christ by practising as a blood sister, I was now to apply the lessons I'd learned interacting with my brothers to other relationships with other men. Instead of hiding tongue-tied in a corner hoping I'd be noticed, I was going to start making conversation, giving encouragement, lending a gracious listening ear.
So I did. And I've only ever regretted being too thick to start doing it earlier.
It's (Not That) Complicated gave me the tools to see where I was messing up in my relationships with my brothers, and the confidence to go out and interact with brothers in Christ like they were real people. I'd recommend it to any Christian woman who wants to build meaningful relationships with brothers, not just the unmarried. My only complaint is that someone didn't write it years ago.
May 18, 2016
It's (Not That) Complicated by Anna Sofia Botkin...and her sister, Elizabeth I think... is a book worth reading. Yes, there were a few little things I didn't quite know what to think about, such as the "shy, timid" girls needing to step up and start spurring on the guys toward Christ. Yes, spurring others on toward Christ is what we're made to do, but there are little things like, make sure that guy doesn't think you like him because you're paying so much attenion and stuff. And there were a few places where it was a little sarcastic and not so gentle-spirited, but for the most part, this book was truth.
Someone once said, "with self-help type of books, you gotta take what you can, and leave the rest." So take the God-written truths, soften your heart and let Christ work in it. But things you're not so sure about, discuss it with some godly friends and other wise adults--don't take it as the Bible truth.
And again, there was nothing that disturbed me greatly in this book, nothing that was "wrong" or "horrid", you know.
Mostly, it just answers about every boy-trouble question with this loud, resounding sentance: "CHANGE YOUR HEART!" Yes, yes, the further I got through this book, the more I realized that this really was the answer. There's no secret, little tips for the complicated things concerning boys and romance... someone would have already figured them out if there were. Simply, it's an answer that's been there all along, in God's Word, in our faith. Change your heart. Follow God's way. His will, not your will.
Someone once said, "with self-help type of books, you gotta take what you can, and leave the rest." So take the God-written truths, soften your heart and let Christ work in it. But things you're not so sure about, discuss it with some godly friends and other wise adults--don't take it as the Bible truth.
And again, there was nothing that disturbed me greatly in this book, nothing that was "wrong" or "horrid", you know.
Mostly, it just answers about every boy-trouble question with this loud, resounding sentance: "CHANGE YOUR HEART!" Yes, yes, the further I got through this book, the more I realized that this really was the answer. There's no secret, little tips for the complicated things concerning boys and romance... someone would have already figured them out if there were. Simply, it's an answer that's been there all along, in God's Word, in our faith. Change your heart. Follow God's way. His will, not your will.
June 2, 2012
Of all the relationship-oriented books, blog posts, and Christian magazine articles that I have read, none have been as Biblically solid or as helpful as this book. Were I to go through this book with a highlighter, the entire thing would be neon yellow.
This is a book from which all Christian girls can benefit. Unlike some materials I have read, this does not focus only on specific behaviors that should be avoided or a few things that you should do to be pure. Instead, it effectively deals with the heart issues and sinful mindsets that cause these problems in the first place.
When I began this book, I wasn't convinced that it would be helpful to me. I knew that it was worth reading, yet I had no expectations that it would communicate to me on a deep level. Most relationship books geared towards teenage girls deal with issues that really aren't problems for me, but this book penetrated much, much deeper. It was convicting and instructing in ways that I did not expect, because its foundation is the Word of God, not just somebody's idea of appropriate behavior that I already adhere to anyway.
Every Christian girl should read this. Seriously. I'm not just making a generalization.
If you want to eventually get married but aren't currently interested in boys, read this. The content of this book will still convict you, challenge you, and educate you. (Though I may be just about the only person I know who fits into this category...)
If you're not going to date or have a boyfriend, but are constantly dreaming of "The One", read this.
If you have no idea how to act around the opposite sex, never talk to boys, and think that wearing a potato sack is the way to honor God, read this.
If you're boy-crazy, disgusted by your parent's standards, and can't wait until you're let out into "the real world", read this. PLEASE. For the love of humanity!!!!!!
But seriously. No matter what category you fall into, even if it's one I didn't list, you can still benefit from this book. Even adult women who remain single could benefit from it, despite the fact that it's primarily geared towards teenagers.
This book is not only grounded in a solid worldview, written through the lens of Scripture, and wise to the interactions of young people in our culture, it's also extremely helpful from a practical standpoint. As in any case, the advice given is easier said than done, but all of the practical tips are still realistic and overall pragmatic.
This book was tremendously helpful to me, and I strongly recommend it.
This is a book from which all Christian girls can benefit. Unlike some materials I have read, this does not focus only on specific behaviors that should be avoided or a few things that you should do to be pure. Instead, it effectively deals with the heart issues and sinful mindsets that cause these problems in the first place.
When I began this book, I wasn't convinced that it would be helpful to me. I knew that it was worth reading, yet I had no expectations that it would communicate to me on a deep level. Most relationship books geared towards teenage girls deal with issues that really aren't problems for me, but this book penetrated much, much deeper. It was convicting and instructing in ways that I did not expect, because its foundation is the Word of God, not just somebody's idea of appropriate behavior that I already adhere to anyway.
Every Christian girl should read this. Seriously. I'm not just making a generalization.
If you want to eventually get married but aren't currently interested in boys, read this. The content of this book will still convict you, challenge you, and educate you. (Though I may be just about the only person I know who fits into this category...)
If you're not going to date or have a boyfriend, but are constantly dreaming of "The One", read this.
If you have no idea how to act around the opposite sex, never talk to boys, and think that wearing a potato sack is the way to honor God, read this.
If you're boy-crazy, disgusted by your parent's standards, and can't wait until you're let out into "the real world", read this. PLEASE. For the love of humanity!!!!!!
But seriously. No matter what category you fall into, even if it's one I didn't list, you can still benefit from this book. Even adult women who remain single could benefit from it, despite the fact that it's primarily geared towards teenagers.
This book is not only grounded in a solid worldview, written through the lens of Scripture, and wise to the interactions of young people in our culture, it's also extremely helpful from a practical standpoint. As in any case, the advice given is easier said than done, but all of the practical tips are still realistic and overall pragmatic.
This book was tremendously helpful to me, and I strongly recommend it.
June 29, 2023
I just finished this book for the second time and I loved it just as much. So so many great principles on interacting with guys, not being feminist, being a good sister, having true contentment, and becoming a godly woman. Would highly recommend to any young women.
February 15, 2013
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and the easy, relaxed manner in which the authors presented truth. Anna Sofia Botkin & Elizabeth Botkin have provided single girls of all ages with practical advice and Godly counsel that could honestly revolutionize our society and culture if only those same single girls would accept this advice and counsel with a heart that is open to following God's correct order and plan.
An excellent, thorough, and even lighthearted read!
An excellent, thorough, and even lighthearted read!
August 14, 2012
The Botkin daughters, unmarried and in their mid-20s, write to young ladies on how to relate to guys. I haven’t read their prior work, like Return of the Daughters and So Much More, judging the concept touted in the marketing material to be extra-Biblical. But I gave “It’s Not that Complicated” a try, and was pleasantly surprised.
Girls tend to have unrealistic expectations about boys. They think that every boy will converse like a pro. They set up an idealized gold standard. Just like guys expect girls to look like supermodels (more physical and visually oriented), girls expect guys to be emotive, very sensitive to feelings, highly verbal, etc. I liked their encouragement to girls to love their brothers in Christ, instead of maintaining impossibly high standards and being brutal in their thoughts with every boy who doesn’t meet those standards. Instead, take some modest initiative in conversation with boys. This is okay. Girls can be so deathly afraid of flirting or being forward that they are in a cocoon.
Guarding your own purity isn’t the main thing. Loving others is. Without giving away the store into immodest behavior, the Botkins deal realistically with how positively to relate to guys. Relationships with guys are expected, just not central; dangerous, but not to be denied. Don’t get romantically attached. This is said in a variety of helpful ways: “It is fully possible to have an interest in a young man’s life and future without feeling like you’re “buying personal shares in it.” A guy and girl “can have pure, honest affection and esteem for each other… without being inordinately affected by the ‘possibility’ possibility.” Flirting with and shunning boys both stem from “thinking of them [boys] only as romantic objects or marriage material.”
There were a couple sidepoints I quibble with. They quote Rushdoony on imagination being the essence of sin (pg 38). This ignores and denies Song of Solomon’s essential role of the poetic and the imaginative in romance. If the Botkins’ point is to keep your imagination from running wild about a potential relationship, though, the point is well put.
A bigger disagreement: they say not to communicate distance in interacting with guys, or you can crush them. This gives guys more credit than they need. Guys need to learn to take some knocks, including from girls, especially if they are flirting with them. Sometimes guys need to be repulsed by a cold shoulder when they cross the line. Then again, I’ve seen some harsh snubbing of someone deemed flirtatious that approached condemnation. Responding to one sin (flirting) with another (dismissive judgment) is no way to go. I’m a strong believer that young ladies should cultivate the art of communicating distance without judging or repelling an overly forward young man. When the guy is dense it’s virtually impossible to pull off, and the fault is all with the guy, but the girl should at least know ahead of time what she’s trying to accomplish and how, in that situation.
All in all a very helpful book for young people that avoids the two ditches of worldly compromise and over-scrupulous distance from the opposite sex.
Girls tend to have unrealistic expectations about boys. They think that every boy will converse like a pro. They set up an idealized gold standard. Just like guys expect girls to look like supermodels (more physical and visually oriented), girls expect guys to be emotive, very sensitive to feelings, highly verbal, etc. I liked their encouragement to girls to love their brothers in Christ, instead of maintaining impossibly high standards and being brutal in their thoughts with every boy who doesn’t meet those standards. Instead, take some modest initiative in conversation with boys. This is okay. Girls can be so deathly afraid of flirting or being forward that they are in a cocoon.
Guarding your own purity isn’t the main thing. Loving others is. Without giving away the store into immodest behavior, the Botkins deal realistically with how positively to relate to guys. Relationships with guys are expected, just not central; dangerous, but not to be denied. Don’t get romantically attached. This is said in a variety of helpful ways: “It is fully possible to have an interest in a young man’s life and future without feeling like you’re “buying personal shares in it.” A guy and girl “can have pure, honest affection and esteem for each other… without being inordinately affected by the ‘possibility’ possibility.” Flirting with and shunning boys both stem from “thinking of them [boys] only as romantic objects or marriage material.”
There were a couple sidepoints I quibble with. They quote Rushdoony on imagination being the essence of sin (pg 38). This ignores and denies Song of Solomon’s essential role of the poetic and the imaginative in romance. If the Botkins’ point is to keep your imagination from running wild about a potential relationship, though, the point is well put.
A bigger disagreement: they say not to communicate distance in interacting with guys, or you can crush them. This gives guys more credit than they need. Guys need to learn to take some knocks, including from girls, especially if they are flirting with them. Sometimes guys need to be repulsed by a cold shoulder when they cross the line. Then again, I’ve seen some harsh snubbing of someone deemed flirtatious that approached condemnation. Responding to one sin (flirting) with another (dismissive judgment) is no way to go. I’m a strong believer that young ladies should cultivate the art of communicating distance without judging or repelling an overly forward young man. When the guy is dense it’s virtually impossible to pull off, and the fault is all with the guy, but the girl should at least know ahead of time what she’s trying to accomplish and how, in that situation.
All in all a very helpful book for young people that avoids the two ditches of worldly compromise and over-scrupulous distance from the opposite sex.
October 31, 2011
I have had the opportunity to listen to Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin speak multiple times. I've read So Much More and listened to their audios. All the time, I decided that I couldn't appreciate their message because the girls seemed so unreachable. They seemed so mature and serious. It seemed like they weren't smiling in every picture that I saw of them. This mind-set and view of these girls went on for years with me.
Then, early on this year, I listened to their message on Adventurous Femininity and it was amazing. I laughed. I was convicted. I felt like I could relate to the Botkin sisters in ways that I never had been able to before.
This book was the same.
It's (Not That) Complicated was hysterically funny, incredibly amusing, and properly edifying all at the same time. Anna Sofia and Elizabeth wrote about the Truth of God in a way that we girls who live in the 21st century can enjoy. Their words are accurate, but they use anecdotes that we can understand and relate to.
In short, I would highly recommend this book. I always thought that I was a good sister to my brothers and a proper friend to guys and now I see that I have a lot of improvements to make. I'm already rereading the book for the second time. (Yes, it was really that good!)
Then, early on this year, I listened to their message on Adventurous Femininity and it was amazing. I laughed. I was convicted. I felt like I could relate to the Botkin sisters in ways that I never had been able to before.
This book was the same.
It's (Not That) Complicated was hysterically funny, incredibly amusing, and properly edifying all at the same time. Anna Sofia and Elizabeth wrote about the Truth of God in a way that we girls who live in the 21st century can enjoy. Their words are accurate, but they use anecdotes that we can understand and relate to.
In short, I would highly recommend this book. I always thought that I was a good sister to my brothers and a proper friend to guys and now I see that I have a lot of improvements to make. I'm already rereading the book for the second time. (Yes, it was really that good!)
February 14, 2016
When my Mom asked me to preview this book for my younger sister, I didn't think much of it. After all, I'm nineteen years old. I've read everything from I Kissed Dating Goodbye to Twilight. I've read, observed, seen, even written a little on everything there is to know about....lurve. This book could not have any possible baring on me now....right?
Ha!
It's (Not That) Complicated is a terrific book. It was the advice I needed, and offered a lot of thoughts and perspectives I never considered. I learned about myself, saw my friend's relationships in new ways, saw the way I treated my brothers and guy friends in a new light. I saw a lot of stuff I worried about in my own character in a new light, sometimes as positive, and sometimes as negative. It is the sort of book you own because it should be read over and over again.
I've read lots of books about relationships, but I can't remember one challenging me quite as much. Maybe I'm just at the perfect point for it, but this is what I needed and I think what lots of other girls need to hear.
It wasn't an easy book to read. There were lots of times I got frustrated, and sometimes a little annoyed. I wanted to be like 'WHY IS ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY ON THE GIRLS? GIVE THE BOYS SOMETHING TO DO!' and I had to keep reminding myself this is a book for girls, not guys. Its what girls can do. And that is all you can change right now
There were also themes pushed in this book that I found hard to swallow. Stuff I am still chewing over. Like the concept that woman was made for man. Yeah, I know its in the Bible. Does that make it any easier for me to swallow? Let's face it, who wants to be told their entire existence revolves around the dumber half of the populations? (kidding...sort of.) I'd rather be told I'm the crown of creation and guys should fight for my affection. That sounds better, doesn't it? So I'm still pondering that. If you are reading the book and find that affronting, don't scare off. Keep going and give it some solid prayer. It will be worth it by the end.
I really liked the snip-its of a guys' perspectives. It was a great touch and made a lot of stuff clearer for me.
I highly recommend this book for girls of all ages - homeschooled, Bible believing, almost-a-nun girls like me, or.....the opposite of that. Even if you don't necessarily agree with what these girls are saying, its a good book to read anyway and to challenge yourself with.
Ha!
It's (Not That) Complicated is a terrific book. It was the advice I needed, and offered a lot of thoughts and perspectives I never considered. I learned about myself, saw my friend's relationships in new ways, saw the way I treated my brothers and guy friends in a new light. I saw a lot of stuff I worried about in my own character in a new light, sometimes as positive, and sometimes as negative. It is the sort of book you own because it should be read over and over again.
I've read lots of books about relationships, but I can't remember one challenging me quite as much. Maybe I'm just at the perfect point for it, but this is what I needed and I think what lots of other girls need to hear.
It wasn't an easy book to read. There were lots of times I got frustrated, and sometimes a little annoyed. I wanted to be like 'WHY IS ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY ON THE GIRLS? GIVE THE BOYS SOMETHING TO DO!' and I had to keep reminding myself this is a book for girls, not guys. Its what girls can do. And that is all you can change right now
There were also themes pushed in this book that I found hard to swallow. Stuff I am still chewing over. Like the concept that woman was made for man. Yeah, I know its in the Bible. Does that make it any easier for me to swallow? Let's face it, who wants to be told their entire existence revolves around the dumber half of the populations? (kidding...sort of.) I'd rather be told I'm the crown of creation and guys should fight for my affection. That sounds better, doesn't it? So I'm still pondering that. If you are reading the book and find that affronting, don't scare off. Keep going and give it some solid prayer. It will be worth it by the end.
I really liked the snip-its of a guys' perspectives. It was a great touch and made a lot of stuff clearer for me.
I highly recommend this book for girls of all ages - homeschooled, Bible believing, almost-a-nun girls like me, or.....the opposite of that. Even if you don't necessarily agree with what these girls are saying, its a good book to read anyway and to challenge yourself with.
April 24, 2021
Yikes, this was good. Equally convicting for young Christian women who see no problem in wasting their lives on serial flirtships...and their super-good-girl sisters who are "riding to hell in a hope chest" (the authors' words, not mine). ;)
Blistering humor, solid exegesis, humble personal testimony, and an unwavering conviction that applying the lordship of Christ will mean real, redeemed, deeply loving and unafraid relationships between people of all types.
Loved the appendix in which their father had some straight talk for fathers who have incredibly low expectations of their daughters (i.e., treating them like weak-minded ninnies or scary despots).
Much meatier than I expected. You definitely do not have to be a single girl to benefit from this book.
Blistering humor, solid exegesis, humble personal testimony, and an unwavering conviction that applying the lordship of Christ will mean real, redeemed, deeply loving and unafraid relationships between people of all types.
Loved the appendix in which their father had some straight talk for fathers who have incredibly low expectations of their daughters (i.e., treating them like weak-minded ninnies or scary despots).
Much meatier than I expected. You definitely do not have to be a single girl to benefit from this book.
February 7, 2018
This is a must read for any girl. The Botkin sisters explain how Christian single girls can have healthy friendships with fellow Christian single men. By the end you realize it really isn't that complicated.
Read
August 2, 2018Obviously not a rulebook.
It isn't a new Bible.
I took it as it was meant, some observations and practical advice for relating to people.
Because it can be awkward.
I read this for me, not to get an idea of how girls should interact with me.
However, I do want to say that if anyone thinks they won't ever be attractive if they don't flirt and everything else, this book was written with a lot of input from guys. Some of the best men will finally be able to find you attractive if they aren't turned off by your behavior.
This book focused on being in control of yourself. Instead of being the victim of awkwardness and crazy feelings, responding constantly in an unhealthy way, you can focus your heart where it should be and stay sane. It also looked at what the Bible does have to say about the topic because truly the Word of God doesn't leave us hanging. If you read this with an open mind and don't freak out about it, it's easy to see that it's meant to help people approach the tension that's naturally between the opposite genders, and bring a little bit of peace to the situation.
We all know it's complicated, but it doesn't have to be as confusing, drama-filled, full of angst, stressful, etc.
I read it cause I'd like to know how to have better friendships with young ladies. By reading it, I asked the Botkin sisters for advice and they gave their view on things which I added to the advice I've heard from others.
Disclaimer: it's been a while since I actually read it, but I just quickly skimmed through it to review.
It isn't a new Bible.
I took it as it was meant, some observations and practical advice for relating to people.
Because it can be awkward.
I read this for me, not to get an idea of how girls should interact with me.
However, I do want to say that if anyone thinks they won't ever be attractive if they don't flirt and everything else, this book was written with a lot of input from guys. Some of the best men will finally be able to find you attractive if they aren't turned off by your behavior.
This book focused on being in control of yourself. Instead of being the victim of awkwardness and crazy feelings, responding constantly in an unhealthy way, you can focus your heart where it should be and stay sane. It also looked at what the Bible does have to say about the topic because truly the Word of God doesn't leave us hanging. If you read this with an open mind and don't freak out about it, it's easy to see that it's meant to help people approach the tension that's naturally between the opposite genders, and bring a little bit of peace to the situation.
We all know it's complicated, but it doesn't have to be as confusing, drama-filled, full of angst, stressful, etc.
I read it cause I'd like to know how to have better friendships with young ladies. By reading it, I asked the Botkin sisters for advice and they gave their view on things which I added to the advice I've heard from others.
Disclaimer: it's been a while since I actually read it, but I just quickly skimmed through it to review.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 4, 2015
I an not a feminist in ANY way, but I still had some issues with some of the statements they included...about men being our "destiny", and that we would be complete when we were complementing a man. As a Christian single young woman, I thought that this would be an immensely practical read. In actuality, I found myself gleaning insight pretty much ONLY from the chapter on how to love and treat our siblings/brothers and the chapter on "killing crushes" and valuing emotional purity. At one point, the sister authors even went so far as to say, "So, do we want to be the kind of girl that God gives to the man He loves, or the man He hates?" p. 212 Basically, He may give us to the type of man who deserves us. Blech. So, it seems a bit hypocritical to write a book about how to love young men as brothers in Christ only, with NO thoughts of potential relationships at ALL (which is one of the main points) but yet, we have to somehow be trying to make ourselves into the kind of women who DESERVE a godly man. Would not recommend. You end up feeling like a terrible person for EVER (perish the thought) speaking to a young man whom you find attractive or a possible Godly husband.
January 21, 2013
This book was both edifying and a joy to read! The Botkin sisters did an excellent job referencing and using the Scriptures as our ultimate guide concerning this subject! I found chapters 10, 11, and 13 to contain some of the best and most relevant information concerning guy-girl relationships, and there is much in them that we need to lay to heart.
August 3, 2012
This is the second-and more than likely not the last-time I've read this book. I had previously read this book in December of 2011 but wanted to re-read it again since it was that good and I wanted to go through it slowly to get the full benefits of the rich wisdom and inspiration found in it's pages. Let me start by telling you that this book is amazing. You cannot go wrong by reading it. There is such wisdom that the Botkin ladies share. Anna Sofia and Elizabeth bring things to the table that are normally hard to understand and put it in a way that makes it clear as day and easier than ever to understand. I don't think I've ever read a book more easier to read with biblical correct advice than this one. Anna Sofia and Elizabeth take the normally complicated interaction with boys and make it amazingly simple by sharing how we can react around boys in a biblical manner. They answer the tough questions with Scripture and point you towards Christ. They share with clarity and biblical soundness just how easy it can be to treat our brothers in Christ in "all purity". The things that they share in this book go beyond interacting with boys, and goes even deeper into the subjects of purity, heart motives of desiring to be married, how we can prepare to be wives instead of going around advertising our single state, battling discontentment, how to handle crushes, the damage romance novels/movies/music can be {Which, seriously got me to thinking} and more. I promise you, if you are looking for a biblical sound, easy to read book that shares with humility and wisdom just how simple it can be to have relationships with anyone-even boys- then you must read this book.
One thing I really liked about this book is that it featured many comments from young men. I found it was nice to hear what men think on certain subjects and found their comments very helpful in understanding how we can be friends without going too far. I've often wondered "How can I be friends with guys without making them think I like them? But at the same time, I don't want to completely avoid them for fear of them thinking I like them, and make them think I hate talking to them. But were is the fine line? How much it too much or not enough" The Botkin ladies answered these questions and made it amazingly easy to see how simple it can be.
Another thing I liked about this book is that it went beyond the single subject of interacting with guys. It really had a big emphasis on the heart issue, our motives, and though the advice they give is very helpful to use when relating to guys, it is really a sound principle that you can apply with any relationship-not just ones with guys. I'd HIGHLY recommend this book. It will encourage you in your walk with Christ, inspire you to prepare better to be a wife one day and make being around guys a whole lot simpler. I would seriously give this book 10 stars, if they had such an option for ratings here on Good Reads!
One thing I really liked about this book is that it featured many comments from young men. I found it was nice to hear what men think on certain subjects and found their comments very helpful in understanding how we can be friends without going too far. I've often wondered "How can I be friends with guys without making them think I like them? But at the same time, I don't want to completely avoid them for fear of them thinking I like them, and make them think I hate talking to them. But were is the fine line? How much it too much or not enough" The Botkin ladies answered these questions and made it amazingly easy to see how simple it can be.
Another thing I liked about this book is that it went beyond the single subject of interacting with guys. It really had a big emphasis on the heart issue, our motives, and though the advice they give is very helpful to use when relating to guys, it is really a sound principle that you can apply with any relationship-not just ones with guys. I'd HIGHLY recommend this book. It will encourage you in your walk with Christ, inspire you to prepare better to be a wife one day and make being around guys a whole lot simpler. I would seriously give this book 10 stars, if they had such an option for ratings here on Good Reads!
December 29, 2011
My friend sat down across the table from me at a local restaurant. We exchanged a few pleasantries before I broached the subject that had prompted the day’s lunch meeting. “How is the situation with your guy friend going?” She looked at me, raised her eyebrows, and began, “Well...it’s complicated.” My mind immediately drifted to the ingeniously titled new book by sisters Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin: “It’s Not That Complicated.” I hadn’t read the book yet, but by the end of our lengthy conversation – one of many I have had this year with various friends going through relationship challenges – I couldn’t help but wonder, “What world are they living in?!” My own previously-held view of uncomplicated relationships took quite a beating this year, so I was eager to get my hands on a copy of this new book and find out what the authors had to say.
Anna Sofia and Elizabeth are just 25 and 23 years-old, but they write with the wisdom and maturity that can only be gleaned from hours of studying Scripture and its application to life. They have an acute sense of cultural influences and address those influences with both wit and biblical truth. I especially appreciate their emphasis on cultivating the right attitudes and desires in our own hearts as a basis for maintaining appropriate and virtuous behavior toward the guys in our lives. Along with this is the essential truth that our hearts are deceitful and wicked, with no hope of righteousness apart from Jesus Christ. Even though the authors’ perspectives will resonate most with those who come from stable Christian families, I think any young woman will be encouraged and inspired toward godly relationships if she reads this book with an open mind and a teachable heart. Since I interact quite a bit with girls from non-Christian families and/or rough past relationships, I really appreciated this point:
“Some girls fear that they will have permanent scars from mistakes they have made. They fear that part of them is gone and they can never be made whole again. But the concept of inner purity deals more with the present state of the heart, the mind, and the affections than it does with the past. What we need to be doing is developing a state of heart and mind that is self-controlled and faithful to one man. It’s never too late to repent and do what’s right.”
Another helpful feature of “It’s Not That Complicated” is the candid commentary offered by various guys throughout the book. It’s encouraging to know that there are young men passionately serving the Lord and committed to pursuing young women who are doing likewise. I hope and pray that this book will serve as another excellent tool to inspire young people everywhere to keep their eyes on Jesus Christ, build strong friendships, and be “always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58).
Anna Sofia and Elizabeth are just 25 and 23 years-old, but they write with the wisdom and maturity that can only be gleaned from hours of studying Scripture and its application to life. They have an acute sense of cultural influences and address those influences with both wit and biblical truth. I especially appreciate their emphasis on cultivating the right attitudes and desires in our own hearts as a basis for maintaining appropriate and virtuous behavior toward the guys in our lives. Along with this is the essential truth that our hearts are deceitful and wicked, with no hope of righteousness apart from Jesus Christ. Even though the authors’ perspectives will resonate most with those who come from stable Christian families, I think any young woman will be encouraged and inspired toward godly relationships if she reads this book with an open mind and a teachable heart. Since I interact quite a bit with girls from non-Christian families and/or rough past relationships, I really appreciated this point:
“Some girls fear that they will have permanent scars from mistakes they have made. They fear that part of them is gone and they can never be made whole again. But the concept of inner purity deals more with the present state of the heart, the mind, and the affections than it does with the past. What we need to be doing is developing a state of heart and mind that is self-controlled and faithful to one man. It’s never too late to repent and do what’s right.”
Another helpful feature of “It’s Not That Complicated” is the candid commentary offered by various guys throughout the book. It’s encouraging to know that there are young men passionately serving the Lord and committed to pursuing young women who are doing likewise. I hope and pray that this book will serve as another excellent tool to inspire young people everywhere to keep their eyes on Jesus Christ, build strong friendships, and be “always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58).
February 13, 2012
This book helped me to understand myself better and the way I look at other s and mostly young men. The Lord has given us strict guidance on these matters and we are prone to skim over His words and commandments. They talk about being content with the life the Lord has given us right now in our fathers homes, and not dreaming and waiting for "Prince Charming" to come. We as women look at men sometimes as not a person or individual but more as a hunk of meat to win. We as daughters and sister need to love and treat the men around us as human beings and brothers in Christ. Men are not just prizes to win, play with, and then through out. Men are God's sons that he has sent her to this earth to lead and guide women, Eve was given to Adam not Adam given to Eve.
If you really want to search your heart for what the Lord wants and give up your flirtatiousness and lust-fulness/sin-full nature. Read this book.
If you really want to search your heart for what the Lord wants and give up your flirtatiousness and lust-fulness/sin-full nature. Read this book.
December 4, 2022
I reactivated my GoodReads account for the sole reason of writing this review.
I am by no means a feminist, and I believe in traditional gender roles. HOWEVER--
I read this when I was 14 and it was single-handedly responsible for convincing me that having feelings for a boy was a sin and meant that I wasn't focused on God enough. This lead to many nights of laying awake with guilt, shame, and praying for God to take away my feelings for someone.
There are so many Christian books that have a balanced view of relationships; this is not one of them. 0/10 recommend.
I am by no means a feminist, and I believe in traditional gender roles. HOWEVER--
I read this when I was 14 and it was single-handedly responsible for convincing me that having feelings for a boy was a sin and meant that I wasn't focused on God enough. This lead to many nights of laying awake with guilt, shame, and praying for God to take away my feelings for someone.
There are so many Christian books that have a balanced view of relationships; this is not one of them. 0/10 recommend.
December 27, 2014
The book offers some great advice on how to handle relationships with guys in a godly way. However there are somethings that I disagree with and somethings are also vague. For instance that God made men as leaders, and the women's role is to aid them. Oh please, many women are made to be leaders, too. Don't let women discouraged that they can't lead, because they can. But other than that, the book was a good read.
May 11, 2021
I was waffling between rating it 2 or 3 stars, because, while I didn't agree with a lot of the authors' views/presuppositions, there were still good things and some helpful, practical tips in it.
Interesting read!
Interesting read!
March 18, 2012
My Dad wants me to write a book report on this, so I will be posting that as my review as soon as I get it written. =)
December 10, 2017
This was such a thought-provoking book! I really enjoyed reading it.
September 19, 2012
very practical, challenging, humorous and helpful book! it really helped my perspective on guys and how to act around them! You won't come away from this book without personal growth!
April 18, 2013
This is a really awesome book. I think every girl needs to read it. I wish it would have been written years earlier so I could have read it younger!
September 2, 2020
These sisters get a lot of criticism as “purity culturists” on sites like FundieSnark and Patheos that is largely unwarranted and blatantly misguided (but of course unsurprising). In fact, the authors snark a lot of purity culture buzz phrases in the book themselves. I’m not a fan of snark at all, so that was admittedly a bit off-putting for me personally. They also garner a lot of criticism because they wrote this book in their mid-20s and now at middle age, they remain single. This book is an excellent commentary on biblical principles concerning the topic of young womanhood and interpersonal relationships and it’s worth reading and discussing WITH your adolescent daughter. What I wonder is, while expressing wonderful truths articulately, if they brought too much focus onto themselves during a delicate time of transition into adulthood. I wonder that about a lot of these young authors who might be interpreted as “preachy” by their critics, and their being in the public eye in that way intimidates their peers and prevents them from having a healthy experience at a critical time. Nevertheless, I found this book convicting in so many ways, even as a woman in a completely different walk of life. That’s the thing about biblical discussions- they span all life walks and cultures. It afforded some rich discussions with my daughter and I am thankful for that. I would love the opportunity to meet these sisters one day.
October 8, 2013
I would recommend this book to every Christian woman or girl. Mothers: you and your daughters need to know what this book has to say. this book grabbed me and shook me upside down and told me what I was doing wrong in my relationship with my brother and father let alone the guys in the neighborhood. I am so glad that I read this book and hope that every one of my sisters and sisters in Christ read this book. there are no regrets in reading this book except one and that is that I didn't read it sooner.
this book although it talks about very serious topics that are important to apply to our lives, is not a bible thumping "the bible says you HAVE to" book; the authors actually let their hair down and laugh. they bring an element of humor to the subject and even include straight forward examples that girls can understand like Cinderella.
It is important to me (and I can't stress my point more) that young ladies read this book. there where points where this book brought to my attention things about guys that I never knew before. there where points where I couldn't believe how badly I was unintentionally messed up in that aria of my relationship with guys. I have walked away from this book as a changed woman and I hope that everyone else who reads this will too.
Unimportant side note: I saw this book in a Christian books Catalog and wanted to read it because I felt that my relationships with guys needed polishing. I was very surprised at what I got. this book went above and beyond my expectations. this book covered topics in my life that I didn't even know needed work.
this book although it talks about very serious topics that are important to apply to our lives, is not a bible thumping "the bible says you HAVE to" book; the authors actually let their hair down and laugh. they bring an element of humor to the subject and even include straight forward examples that girls can understand like Cinderella.
It is important to me (and I can't stress my point more) that young ladies read this book. there where points where this book brought to my attention things about guys that I never knew before. there where points where I couldn't believe how badly I was unintentionally messed up in that aria of my relationship with guys. I have walked away from this book as a changed woman and I hope that everyone else who reads this will too.
Unimportant side note: I saw this book in a Christian books Catalog and wanted to read it because I felt that my relationships with guys needed polishing. I was very surprised at what I got. this book went above and beyond my expectations. this book covered topics in my life that I didn't even know needed work.
June 19, 2013
This book was absolutely excellent.
I must admit, it took me forever to finish... But that was my own fault; i kept getting "too busy to read" and my life was complicated at the time i started reading this.. And this book gives so much to think about.. I didn't feel capable of even holding it in my circumstances.
This is a very convicting book, and i was a bit afraid of dealing with that!
Anyway, though; this book is filled with wisdom. I feel like Anna-Sophia and Elizabeth covered basically everything regarding guy-girl relationships.. And not only that, but there was also a ton of stuff on family relationships and friendship in general, too. All biblically solid and inspiring. And reading the opinions put in by young men was awesome! My copy is FILLED with pencil marks, indicating quotable things and stuff that really popped out to me!
All throughout, this book made me laugh aloud(i love their humor!); think deeply; reflect on my life and ultimately; look back to God's love, forgiveness and power to make new.
I recommend this book to any and every young lady out there. There's treasure in the pages, for any age...and i'm sure everyone will find something to relate with and learn from in it.
And if you can define your life and relationship(s?) as complicated, DON'T delay reading this book!
I must admit, it took me forever to finish... But that was my own fault; i kept getting "too busy to read" and my life was complicated at the time i started reading this.. And this book gives so much to think about.. I didn't feel capable of even holding it in my circumstances.
This is a very convicting book, and i was a bit afraid of dealing with that!
Anyway, though; this book is filled with wisdom. I feel like Anna-Sophia and Elizabeth covered basically everything regarding guy-girl relationships.. And not only that, but there was also a ton of stuff on family relationships and friendship in general, too. All biblically solid and inspiring. And reading the opinions put in by young men was awesome! My copy is FILLED with pencil marks, indicating quotable things and stuff that really popped out to me!
All throughout, this book made me laugh aloud(i love their humor!); think deeply; reflect on my life and ultimately; look back to God's love, forgiveness and power to make new.
I recommend this book to any and every young lady out there. There's treasure in the pages, for any age...and i'm sure everyone will find something to relate with and learn from in it.
And if you can define your life and relationship(s?) as complicated, DON'T delay reading this book!
April 16, 2018
The whole "complicated" issue of guys and girls really isn't all that complicated. In the end, it boils down to "do you love God with all you heart and soul and your neighbor as yourself?"
This was an excellent book that convicted me in so many ways. Even "good Christian girls" get relationships wrong so much of the time. The Botkin sisters write with clarity, conviction, and biblical focus; their arguments are convicting, but also winsome and convincing. They want you to realize your sin and repent of your mistakes, but they say it in a way that is kind and loving, not blatant or rude.
I really appreciated the little snippets they added from Christian young men and their perspectives on girls and relationships. Although I have many brothers and felt like I already understood guys, this was still very helpful in changing my perspective and focus.
Overall, this is an excellent book on guy-girl relationships and one that I would recommend to any Christian young person (yes, even guys!)
This was an excellent book that convicted me in so many ways. Even "good Christian girls" get relationships wrong so much of the time. The Botkin sisters write with clarity, conviction, and biblical focus; their arguments are convicting, but also winsome and convincing. They want you to realize your sin and repent of your mistakes, but they say it in a way that is kind and loving, not blatant or rude.
I really appreciated the little snippets they added from Christian young men and their perspectives on girls and relationships. Although I have many brothers and felt like I already understood guys, this was still very helpful in changing my perspective and focus.
Overall, this is an excellent book on guy-girl relationships and one that I would recommend to any Christian young person (yes, even guys!)
April 4, 2012
This book is like a ray of light in the dark, confusing world of cross-gender relationships. I would encourage any young woman to read this book, especially if you feel confused about communication with the opposite sex and how to have meaningful guy-girl friendships without them spiraling into the quasi-romances so popular today. This book doesn't give you tips on how to be cuter, more popular, or more guy-savvy; it deals with heart issues. For me, it was like a light-bulb finally flipped on. For instance I finally understood that treating men like brothers in Christ, means treating them as brothers - go figure! It also occurred to me, for example that, "Oh, if I'm kind, loving, and seeking to honor all the people (guys included) in my life, no one will think I'm being flirty when I am nice to men," along with other such revelations that have made my interactions with guys much less complicated.
May 1, 2016
I can't believe how long it's taken me to read this book! It wasn't because I didn't like it, because I loved it, but because there is so much to digest.
I starting reading it at the perfect time, since I was just learning how to walk closer to God and hungry to learn what my relationship with boys was supposed to be.
Every couple of chapters, I had to stop to really think about what I had just read. This book is one of the best books for teenage girls, like me, to read. I loved how Anna and Elizabeth backed everything up with scripture and showed us how we should act around boys.
I have mostly guy friends, but after reading this book I see now that I need to have more girlfriends. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done for me because it's rare that I connect with a girl and stay in touch with her. I believe that the right girls will come into my life at the right time, I'm just praying that time comes soon.
I starting reading it at the perfect time, since I was just learning how to walk closer to God and hungry to learn what my relationship with boys was supposed to be.
Every couple of chapters, I had to stop to really think about what I had just read. This book is one of the best books for teenage girls, like me, to read. I loved how Anna and Elizabeth backed everything up with scripture and showed us how we should act around boys.
I have mostly guy friends, but after reading this book I see now that I need to have more girlfriends. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done for me because it's rare that I connect with a girl and stay in touch with her. I believe that the right girls will come into my life at the right time, I'm just praying that time comes soon.
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