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Fidelity: What It Means to Be a One-Woman Man
Don't miss this vital book for men! The need for wisdom in sexuality from coaches to pastors to congressmen has hardly disappeared since this book was first published thirteen years ago. An integral part of the bestselling Family Series, this new revised edition includes two all-new chapters and updates throughout.
Fidelity hits hard, offering pointed help to Christian males everywhere. Leaders are tempted to gloss over sexual issues, but Wilson uses clear language to confront specific sins with specific solutions. He shows how effeminate slackness leads to pornography, how being seduced is a failure to lead, why masturbation is lousy theology, and much more. Grace-centered masculinity should be self-disciplined and strong, not compromising and hypocritical.
Fidelity hits hard, offering pointed help to Christian males everywhere. Leaders are tempted to gloss over sexual issues, but Wilson uses clear language to confront specific sins with specific solutions. He shows how effeminate slackness leads to pornography, how being seduced is a failure to lead, why masturbation is lousy theology, and much more. Grace-centered masculinity should be self-disciplined and strong, not compromising and hypocritical.
186 pages, Paperback
First published December 6, 1999
92 people are currently reading
534 people want to read
About the author
Douglas Wilson
315 books4,480 followersI write in order to make the little voices in my head go away. Thus far it hasn't worked.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 134 reviews
February 22, 2018
The very first Douglas Wilson book I read. Reading it again years later, it is just as helpful. A book on sexual faithfulness is often so bland as to be unhelpful, in particular in our porn saturated age where most of us were exposed to deviant sexual acts at a young age. Wilson with the type of straightforward teaching he is known for dives into various sexual perversions and tells us how to think about them Biblically. Two things about the book are worth mentioning.
First, he covers just about everything. The only subject that I do not remember coming across was bestiality. He covers rape, prostitution, masturbation, divorce, celibacy, as well are your typical subjects of adultery and fornication.
Second, Wilson saw almost twenty years ago where our culture was heading. Of course you see this in his chapter on sodomy. But you also see this in his chapters on polygamy and celibacy both of which have become more mainstream over the last ten years.
This book is not for everyone. But if you want to think more carefully about the sexual perversions in our culture and the sometimes unbiblical response to them Wilson's book is a great place to start.
First, he covers just about everything. The only subject that I do not remember coming across was bestiality. He covers rape, prostitution, masturbation, divorce, celibacy, as well are your typical subjects of adultery and fornication.
Second, Wilson saw almost twenty years ago where our culture was heading. Of course you see this in his chapter on sodomy. But you also see this in his chapters on polygamy and celibacy both of which have become more mainstream over the last ten years.
This book is not for everyone. But if you want to think more carefully about the sexual perversions in our culture and the sometimes unbiblical response to them Wilson's book is a great place to start.
January 29, 2019
Em uma sociedade extremamente sexualizada "Fidelidade" vem confrontando, de maneira bíblica, os vários aspectos da vida sexual. Uma leitura muito importante para a igreja (homens e mulheres).
December 19, 2020
Could be read every year. Shoots straight and immensely practical. I’ve not read a better primer on practical sexual ethics for men than this.
June 24, 2017
Como falamos no Ceará: Uma varada no espinhaço!
Um livro confrontador, mas cheio de esperança e graça!
Um livro confrontador, mas cheio de esperança e graça!
December 29, 2021
Every man should read this book.
July 12, 2016
Thorough. Edifying. Convicting. Inspiring. Fantastic. Wilson.
June 25, 2008
I liked that the author drew heavily on Scripture for his convictions. He is at times witty, and he is always sure of what he writes.
Poignant Quotes:
"To meditate on our position in Christ is one preventative measure, and to consider the fleeting nature of sexual immorality is another."
"Christian men are to be fully satisfied at home."
"Notice here that lusts are not just wrong, they are deceitful liars. The endless pleasure promised is not delivered, and the pain and heartache that follows was never mentioned."
"We must learn the value of discipline and suffering."
"A man cannot buy a whore for himself because he has no ownership claim on anything. If he purchases a woman, he can only do it as a delegate, with someone else's money."
"The stories of the Bible are given to us so that we might take warning."
"Obedience to the law [of God] is never a matter of external conformity; it is a question of heart loyalty."
"We tend to think of adultery as getting away from God, when it is actually being captured by Him so that He might display His abhorrence of the sin by judging the one who fell into it."
"A second godly motive [for avoiding adultery] is the simple desire for salvation."
"Certainly an adulterer is worthy of death; a man who will betray his wife will betray anyone and anything."
"A third motive [for avoiding adultery] is the love of a good wife."
"One of God's provisions against sexual temptation is good sex with a good wife."
"Many snares wait for the unwary. Happily married men do not wake up one morning and decide they are going to commit adultery that day. Particularly with Christians, the consummation of infidelity usually comes as the last in a series of mild compromises and unobtrusive self-deceptions."
"A man has no good reason for cultivating a close personal friendship with a woman who is not his wife or a close relative."
"Polygamy cannot be considered a sin in the same way that adultery is. It does fall short of the creation pattern, but it is a sin which can be culturally tolerated until the leaven of the gospel causes it naturally to disappear."
"Put simply, this means that the church should forbid leadership to polygamists and reluctantly tolerate membership for polygamists."
"Sin is defined by what the law of God says we must do or not do and not by what we say we think we are able to do."
"...his problem is a lack of self-control, and what he really needs to learn is biblical sexual discipline [in reference to a bisexual man vs. an effeminate man]."
"One reason for discouraging it is that a single man who has masturbated habitually for years before getting married is really not preparing himself for a sexual relationship with a woman. Masturbation is lousy preparation for genuine lovemaking."
"Sexual self-control is a work of the grace of God. Secondly, what the Bible teaches about sex and lust should be studied and memorized."
"...a man should not ever look at images which could serve as lustful fuel at any time."
"Lastly, he should know when he is most vulnerable and take steps to limit his time in those situations."
"One man is to be given the pleasures and duties of loving a wife, and another man is set free from the cares and distraction of caring for a wife."
"It is also different from the individual who is celibate from necessity - unmarried, not because of dedication to Christ, but unmarried because a lack of self-control in his life has managed to create a loser that no self-respecting woman would want to marry."
"...the Bible teaches that some men may be called to celibacy, eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom, but they should make sure they are fully settled in their own minds. Others, in the providence of God, are temporarily celibate, and even though they do not have the "permanent" gift, grace is available to them to live pure celibate lives until the time God calls them to marriage. For the rest, they should get serious about finding a godly Christian wife to sleep with."
"But beyond the honeymoon period, biblical eroticism requires discipline and hard work. An undisciplined man does not want to be troubled by such labors..."
"It is his responsibility to go one of two directions - either to learn that his desire is wrongheaded and needs to be dropped or to teach his wife how she may meet it."
"Simply put, if a man is not hard working, responsible, diligent, courageous, and protective, then he should not act like he is in the bedroom."
"A man who treats his wife with careful patience will enjoy enormous sexual dividends."
"Put another way, the fact of marriage does not automatically sanctify anything that might go on in a marriage bed. The limits propriety are set by Scripture, and not by the consent of the parties."
"Christian lovemaking is to be distinct from ungodly lovemaking."
"Nature itself teaches us what is a sexual organ and what is not. A woman's mouth is not fundamentally different than another man's, and it is not the organ for receiving seed. Passionate foreplay may be, and frequently should be, very intense. But is should end with the man inside woman, naturally."
"In order to satisfy a man, a woman should be mentally and emotionally prepared for frequent lovemaking."
"It is easy to get men to lust after women they do not respect. And it is easy to get men to respect women they do not desire. The hard part, the part requiring sexual discipline, is learning how to respect a woman as a genuine lady, a class act, and yet, after thirty years, to want to lay her down even more than he did the first time. That is hard to do, and it cannot be accomplished if the woman keeps dressing up like a sexual clown."
"In order to satisfy a man, a woman must study him."
"First, if she doesn't understand, the reason is that she has not been taught by her husband. The responsibility for her "ignorance" is not hers. Secondly, the husband who says this conveniently overlooks the fact that he doesn't understand her temptations whenever he uses pornography in some way. A wife is, and ought to be, threatened by it."
Application: Renewed mindset on sexuality
Life Mission:
Know God -
Love God -
Love people - love my wife by remaining virgin and increasing in holy sexuality
Be like Christ -
Make disciplemakers -
Poignant Quotes:
"To meditate on our position in Christ is one preventative measure, and to consider the fleeting nature of sexual immorality is another."
"Christian men are to be fully satisfied at home."
"Notice here that lusts are not just wrong, they are deceitful liars. The endless pleasure promised is not delivered, and the pain and heartache that follows was never mentioned."
"We must learn the value of discipline and suffering."
"A man cannot buy a whore for himself because he has no ownership claim on anything. If he purchases a woman, he can only do it as a delegate, with someone else's money."
"The stories of the Bible are given to us so that we might take warning."
"Obedience to the law [of God] is never a matter of external conformity; it is a question of heart loyalty."
"We tend to think of adultery as getting away from God, when it is actually being captured by Him so that He might display His abhorrence of the sin by judging the one who fell into it."
"A second godly motive [for avoiding adultery] is the simple desire for salvation."
"Certainly an adulterer is worthy of death; a man who will betray his wife will betray anyone and anything."
"A third motive [for avoiding adultery] is the love of a good wife."
"One of God's provisions against sexual temptation is good sex with a good wife."
"Many snares wait for the unwary. Happily married men do not wake up one morning and decide they are going to commit adultery that day. Particularly with Christians, the consummation of infidelity usually comes as the last in a series of mild compromises and unobtrusive self-deceptions."
"A man has no good reason for cultivating a close personal friendship with a woman who is not his wife or a close relative."
"Polygamy cannot be considered a sin in the same way that adultery is. It does fall short of the creation pattern, but it is a sin which can be culturally tolerated until the leaven of the gospel causes it naturally to disappear."
"Put simply, this means that the church should forbid leadership to polygamists and reluctantly tolerate membership for polygamists."
"Sin is defined by what the law of God says we must do or not do and not by what we say we think we are able to do."
"...his problem is a lack of self-control, and what he really needs to learn is biblical sexual discipline [in reference to a bisexual man vs. an effeminate man]."
"One reason for discouraging it is that a single man who has masturbated habitually for years before getting married is really not preparing himself for a sexual relationship with a woman. Masturbation is lousy preparation for genuine lovemaking."
"Sexual self-control is a work of the grace of God. Secondly, what the Bible teaches about sex and lust should be studied and memorized."
"...a man should not ever look at images which could serve as lustful fuel at any time."
"Lastly, he should know when he is most vulnerable and take steps to limit his time in those situations."
"One man is to be given the pleasures and duties of loving a wife, and another man is set free from the cares and distraction of caring for a wife."
"It is also different from the individual who is celibate from necessity - unmarried, not because of dedication to Christ, but unmarried because a lack of self-control in his life has managed to create a loser that no self-respecting woman would want to marry."
"...the Bible teaches that some men may be called to celibacy, eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom, but they should make sure they are fully settled in their own minds. Others, in the providence of God, are temporarily celibate, and even though they do not have the "permanent" gift, grace is available to them to live pure celibate lives until the time God calls them to marriage. For the rest, they should get serious about finding a godly Christian wife to sleep with."
"But beyond the honeymoon period, biblical eroticism requires discipline and hard work. An undisciplined man does not want to be troubled by such labors..."
"It is his responsibility to go one of two directions - either to learn that his desire is wrongheaded and needs to be dropped or to teach his wife how she may meet it."
"Simply put, if a man is not hard working, responsible, diligent, courageous, and protective, then he should not act like he is in the bedroom."
"A man who treats his wife with careful patience will enjoy enormous sexual dividends."
"Put another way, the fact of marriage does not automatically sanctify anything that might go on in a marriage bed. The limits propriety are set by Scripture, and not by the consent of the parties."
"Christian lovemaking is to be distinct from ungodly lovemaking."
"Nature itself teaches us what is a sexual organ and what is not. A woman's mouth is not fundamentally different than another man's, and it is not the organ for receiving seed. Passionate foreplay may be, and frequently should be, very intense. But is should end with the man inside woman, naturally."
"In order to satisfy a man, a woman should be mentally and emotionally prepared for frequent lovemaking."
"It is easy to get men to lust after women they do not respect. And it is easy to get men to respect women they do not desire. The hard part, the part requiring sexual discipline, is learning how to respect a woman as a genuine lady, a class act, and yet, after thirty years, to want to lay her down even more than he did the first time. That is hard to do, and it cannot be accomplished if the woman keeps dressing up like a sexual clown."
"In order to satisfy a man, a woman must study him."
"First, if she doesn't understand, the reason is that she has not been taught by her husband. The responsibility for her "ignorance" is not hers. Secondly, the husband who says this conveniently overlooks the fact that he doesn't understand her temptations whenever he uses pornography in some way. A wife is, and ought to be, threatened by it."
Application: Renewed mindset on sexuality
Life Mission:
Know God -
Love God -
Love people - love my wife by remaining virgin and increasing in holy sexuality
Be like Christ -
Make disciplemakers -
January 27, 2023
All men should read this. I don’t know why I bought that novel on my “currently reading.” That’s not gonna get read.
September 9, 2020
This book is a MUST for every man, married or single. Doug Wilson pulls no punches as he exposes the weight of sexual temptation plaguing men, but provides biblical responses, means and strategies to overcoming them. He emphasizes God's love for biblical sexuality as well as God's hatred of distorting it, all in the context of hope and encouragement. You will learn more about the nature of sexual temptation, the danger of sexual temptation and the keys to overcoming it, falling more in love with your spouse, and seeing her as not just a help-mate, but your glory and covering. Highly recommended for every Pastor to go over with their men.
February 25, 2020
Excellent, a must read for men
April 7, 2019
As always, Wilson is uproariously hilarious, while still being downright serious.
And also as always, Wilson makes applications some may not agree with, but his principles must always be reckoned with first.
Above all, this book places the onus for sexual fidelity and sexual prosperity in marriage on the man, while providing proper nuance so wives can be a kind, helpful lover in the process.
And also as always, Wilson makes applications some may not agree with, but his principles must always be reckoned with first.
Above all, this book places the onus for sexual fidelity and sexual prosperity in marriage on the man, while providing proper nuance so wives can be a kind, helpful lover in the process.
May 10, 2021
Must read! Thoroughly enjoyed Doug’s approach to this topic of being a “one-woman man”. Direct and biblically-minded throughout all of the topics. Packs a serious punch! Will definitely be reading this again at some point!
May 6, 2024
Very good. Appreciate his direct nature in addressing certain issues. He gives new takes/perspectives on the subject that I haven’t heard before that were helpful. Q&A in appendix a was a cool application of the book’s contents.
January 10, 2019
The chapter "Sexual Solution" should probably be read by every married man.
July 8, 2019
Easily the most helpful tool besides real live discipleship in my rendition of "every man's battle."
December 19, 2019
So good. One of the big problems plaguing decent Christian kids is that nobody (parents, pastors, teachers) actually explains these things because they’re so earthy. How do you deal with pornography? What does sexual discipline look like? Is oral sex okay? This book is how to talk about it.
March 22, 2023
I'm beginning to sound like a broken record with Mr. Wilson's books, but as a man, you need to read this. Wilson pulls no punches, no treads lightly on modern Christian sensibilities surrounding sex. Written in 1999, this book prophetically assumes the direction of where the winds of sexual deviance were blowing and where we would end up today. I think he tackled every topic that I personally could imagine regarding sex. Which in today's culture is a lot. Because nothing is new under the sun, this book examining The Book's wisdom surrounding sex is so relevant.
June 12, 2017
Mas que livro BOM!
February 24, 2022
Curt. Biblical. Needed.
I wish my pastors taught like this in my youth group days.
I wish my pastors taught like this in my youth group days.
March 5, 2024
2.5
The first couple chapters and last couple chapters were really good. However, the rest of the book just was not really what I was looking for. There were a couple of random nuggets hidden in there but I just felt the information was not super helpful in the end or just not as practical. This guy had some really awesome points in some parts of this book but also had a lot of pretty wild statements in other parts. A lot of the rest of the information just felt like rambling and seemed pretty unorganized in my opinion. Just wasn’t the best book I’ve read on this sort of topic.
The first couple chapters and last couple chapters were really good. However, the rest of the book just was not really what I was looking for. There were a couple of random nuggets hidden in there but I just felt the information was not super helpful in the end or just not as practical. This guy had some really awesome points in some parts of this book but also had a lot of pretty wild statements in other parts. A lot of the rest of the information just felt like rambling and seemed pretty unorganized in my opinion. Just wasn’t the best book I’ve read on this sort of topic.
April 6, 2022
Audio. Though Doug covers many different topics in this book, I appreciate his focus on the the main issue that, no matter what the topic is, there needs to be a heart of faithfulness to God. This is a must-read for any Christian male that wants to know what faithfulness looks like, especially for living in society today.
April 7, 2025
Addresses things that no one else will and in ways that no one else will. When he’s on, DW is on. He addresses key texts that you’ve never considered for some of these matters that’ll expand your understanding. And he’s especially insightful as regards the relation between marriage as a whole and sex.
That said, there a some oddities in this work that make it hard to recommend. Most notable is his penchant for crass language. DW tries to walk a razor’s edge between directness and obscenity. Sometimes, his directness is a breath of fresh air; in other cases it’s a distraction. It’s ironic that Wilson is very frank, but also manages to be obscuringly verbose in many cases as well.
Glad I read this, but I imagine it would be best for pastors and counselors who can spit out the bones and chew the meat into something useful for people who need to be counseled in these areas.
That said, there a some oddities in this work that make it hard to recommend. Most notable is his penchant for crass language. DW tries to walk a razor’s edge between directness and obscenity. Sometimes, his directness is a breath of fresh air; in other cases it’s a distraction. It’s ironic that Wilson is very frank, but also manages to be obscuringly verbose in many cases as well.
Glad I read this, but I imagine it would be best for pastors and counselors who can spit out the bones and chew the meat into something useful for people who need to be counseled in these areas.
March 9, 2019
The book that landed Wilson in controversial waters a few years back when it was found that the book described intercourse as male conquest of the female. But the book's sins go further than this, advocating for appalling sexual advice, including discredited theories about aids (he cites conspiracist Peter Deusberg), and chapters offering profound and shocking misreadings of texts regarding pornography, premarital and extramarital sex, and LGBTQ issues (to the surprise of no one). About the only shock in the book is his admitence that the Bible doesn't prohibit masturbation (p. 109), though he lays on so many nuances as to make it essentially prohibitive in actual lived experience.
October 5, 2022
Hard-hitting straight talk. Every young man in high school should read this. Cuts to the chase, and holds a strong understanding of what is actually going on with sexual sin and sexual righteousness.
2022 Reread:
Yeah, really sobering and sharpening. Pastor Wilson is just that, a pastor, and the care he takes to work through this pieces shows a lot of experience and wisdom. Puts some great focus into what you should be doing. M
2022 Reread:
Yeah, really sobering and sharpening. Pastor Wilson is just that, a pastor, and the care he takes to work through this pieces shows a lot of experience and wisdom. Puts some great focus into what you should be doing. M
June 15, 2023
Much needed book. Christians need to be willing to discuss sex more often to prepare boys and girls for marriage and understand what it is to be a man or woman. God made sex. Sex is great. Men, read this book on your own or with your spouse. Fathers, teach your boys early on what sex is, what it’s not, and how their future wife needs to be nurtured how to lead her. Make it a priority to read this.
January 11, 2023
Ole Doug has killed it again with another awesome, insightful, Biblical, and wisdom filled book. Every Christian male should read this.
September 28, 2023
Hopefully I can read this every year. Its a good book. It can be a struggle if you read outside or in a different culture.
July 27, 2022
Wilson addresses several uncomfortable and awkward topics in this book. However, if you're a man, then you need to know what the Bible has to say about these topics. In order to think like Christians, we cannot close our eyes and plug our ears every time an uncomfortable section of the Bible, or life, comes up.
Not only do we need to cover these topics for ourselves, but we need to serve our sons by being men and teaching them what the Bible says about these things. We cannot abdicate our responsibility as Christian parents by handing the sex talk off to the public schools. We cannot leave our children stranded to the advice of secular therapists and Google. We need to be seeped in the Word of God in regards to all things and teach our children to adhere to what He says.
All of Christ for all of life.
---------------------------
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Not only do we need to cover these topics for ourselves, but we need to serve our sons by being men and teaching them what the Bible says about these things. We cannot abdicate our responsibility as Christian parents by handing the sex talk off to the public schools. We cannot leave our children stranded to the advice of secular therapists and Google. We need to be seeped in the Word of God in regards to all things and teach our children to adhere to what He says.
All of Christ for all of life.
---------------------------
Follow!
https://www.instagram.com/laymansprog...
November 12, 2024
A biblical and convicting look at what is perhaps the most difficult hurdle a Christian man will be forced to overcome, lust.
In this book Pastor Wilson, speaking plainly so as to leave no doubt or room for a guilty heart to try and escape judgment, outlines all that which a man in today's society might be faced with that may lead him to lust.
For men who have struggled with lust in any form (which is to say, nearly all men), be it adultery, pornography, deviance, etc., this book is a must read. Pastor Wilson does not spend time trying to fight the symptoms of lust but rather attacks the disease at the source, such that the man who applies these truths to his life would be free of the shackles and grip of lust permanently.
At the end, once he has finished tearing you down, he gives you a great hope, that there is genuine sexual satisfaction to be found within marriage, and he provides a detailed outline of how to achieve it.
In this book Pastor Wilson, speaking plainly so as to leave no doubt or room for a guilty heart to try and escape judgment, outlines all that which a man in today's society might be faced with that may lead him to lust.
For men who have struggled with lust in any form (which is to say, nearly all men), be it adultery, pornography, deviance, etc., this book is a must read. Pastor Wilson does not spend time trying to fight the symptoms of lust but rather attacks the disease at the source, such that the man who applies these truths to his life would be free of the shackles and grip of lust permanently.
At the end, once he has finished tearing you down, he gives you a great hope, that there is genuine sexual satisfaction to be found within marriage, and he provides a detailed outline of how to achieve it.
May 10, 2021
I wish I had the wisdom of this book when I was in my teen years, but alas. Now there can be prayer that the Lord would redeem the bumbling years. How many times have we heard our behavior is a sin but we’re not given the tools - and wonder filled worldview - to appropriately deal with it?
What I like about this book is that Doug Wilson is razor sharp towards the men while maintaining a gloriously high view of women. Rather, husbands and wives, but it is worthwhile for those not married. Even if you are not struggling with fidelity, our world is, and our young men will. This book is a great resource for mentors and mentees who both desire to be sharpened against iron. Make sure to read “How to Exasperate Your Wife,” too.
What I like about this book is that Doug Wilson is razor sharp towards the men while maintaining a gloriously high view of women. Rather, husbands and wives, but it is worthwhile for those not married. Even if you are not struggling with fidelity, our world is, and our young men will. This book is a great resource for mentors and mentees who both desire to be sharpened against iron. Make sure to read “How to Exasperate Your Wife,” too.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 134 reviews