It Doesn’t Have To Be So Hard: Secrets to Finding and Keeping Intimacy

by JOANNE FEDLER, Graeme Friedman

This book will change the way you see yourself, and how you think about long-term love.

We can't get enough of doomed lovers torn apart by betrayal, taboo and violence – as long as they stay on the screen or the page. In our own beds we want the happy ending.

But all around us, divorce statistics rocket as the hopes of lonely singles plummet. In an age of financial and political uncertainty, love is the only thing left to believe in. So why do we give up on it so easily?

Through interlocking stories that are moving, funny and all too familiar, Joanne Fedler and Graeme Friedman combine their years of personal and professional experience to tackle the toughest of questions around intimacy, such as:
- How does romance sour into incompatibility?
- Are men really frightened by intimacy?
- Why don't women understand that sex is intimacy?
- Is staying in an unhappy relationship better than being alone?
- How do we keep passion and intimacy alive with the same person over time?

It Doesn't Have To Be So Hard will change the way you see yourself, and how you think about long-term love. Finding and keeping intimacy is a massive challenge. But it's not impossible, once you know the secrets.

Genres: Psychology

272 pages, Hardcover

First published September 3, 2012

About the author

Joanne Fedler is an internationally bestselling author and witing mentor. She studied law at Yale and now lives in Australia.

Reviews

[Maurya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book up because I love Joanne Fedler's writing, and have enjoyed every one of her other books. Having been married now for 25 years, I wasn't sure what I would get from it, but decided to give it a go anyway.

I really enjoyed it. The authors weave stories in to sharing issues that couples face. What I personally got out of it is reminders of how to be in my relationship, the reminder that the relationship is a third entity outside of my husband and I, and the thought that I really want to recommend this book to some couples I know that are just starting out. If it can give them perspective that 'we are not alone with these issues', I think that is the real gift.

5 stars for me. Thanks Joanne & Graeme for the effort and love you put in to this book.

[Jacqui]

Love this book

[Book Lover · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is long, hard look at the messy business of maintaining a partnership in the modern world. The authors write – often very amusingly - about the pain of either giving up on love or trying to make a marriage or a partnership work. As they put it:
‘...The fairy tales never have sequels where his royal highness has an affair with the chambermaid and the princess puts on twenty kilos eating ... chocolate mousse in a fit of existential depression.’

But the book is very much aimed at remedies rather than problems, and the central argument is a simple one. The authors write: ' ... there is no secret or formula to intimacy. This isn’t one of those paint by numbers books. .' And then later on: 'So how do we make things better? There’s only one road in. Inner work. Hard, dirty work. Intimacy starts with us. We cant control how others behave, we can only control our own thoughts, words and actions.'

The book is built around the stories of some couples – and some singles - with loosely linked narratives. Again and again, the couples' stories and the writing all drive home the same idea, namely that the way we love echoes how we were first loved - usually by our parents - and that what we look for in a partner, and how we relate to that partner, has an enormous amount to do with those patterns of early love.

There is a lot of talk of psychotherapy and eastern spiritual practices – meditation in particular – as a way of exploring these early patterns and of breaking free of them.

'It Doesn't Have to Be..' demands quite a lot of the reader: it's not an easy or quick read. But the writing is delightful and by keeping us amused and entertained the book slowly leads us to the idea that we are not helpless in the face of our destructive patterns. Instead the reader starts to believe that with a lot of work, a lot of introspection, a lot of laughter and hopefully some sex we can get there. It's a life-affirming and essentially hopeful book and I recommend it highly.

[PrimalAwakening · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this book from the GoodReads giveaway.Thank you to all involved.

This book is co-written by authors from two completely different backgrounds wherein together they explore, expand on, and conclude results about the subject of intimacy and relationships utilzing their own individual professional techniques and personal wisdom but along the way, during this process, they seem to realize they are able to also learn more about themselves and their relationships, with eachother and their partners.
The book is developed around the stories of couples in relationships and also around singles, to show the reader of what was, what is and what could be if the characters took another route or understanding of the person they are with.
So many questions are asked and probed in this book, including the notion of being present or being "awake" in the moment and seeing what is already infront of us, also feeling and seeing "the whole elephant" so to speak, which is key to the success of a relationship.
The elephant story is one of many mentioned in this book to create further insight or to bridge ideas put forward by the writers.
These stories are a great aid for the reader to see from the "third" position like mentioned in the book when relationships are in need of support from a third person or perspective.
Overall , I enjoyed the hip new refreshing outlook of the notion of relationships meshed throughout the book by the minds of two extraordinary writers who actually didn't make it seem so hard...The secrets to finding and keeping intimacy for you just might be in this unique book- Funny thing is that you will never know unless you read it too!