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Say What You See for Parents and Teachers
NAPPA Gold Winner — Who says children don't come with handbooks? This quick, how-to guide offers practical tips for communicating effectively so your child feels truly heard, setting boundaries like walls, and using acknowledgments instead of constant praise. Loaded with real-life examples, it tells you exactly how to "say what you see" to start from where your child is - in the physical world of the here and now...and provide guidance from there.
"If you've ever been confused as a parent or teacher about what to say or how to respond to your child, then this book is for you. It's short enough to re-read again and again, which is lucky, because you'll want to." — Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, author of Playful Parenting
"SAY WHAT YOU An easy parenting strategy that really works." — Dr. Laura Markham, Aha! Parenting
"Reading this little book will change your life! Really! You will understand your child better, respond to your child differently, like yourself more, and teach your child life skills in the process - all in 90 pages!" — Dr. Garry Landreth, Founder of the Center for Play Therapy
"So concise. There's more on each page of this little book than in all the other parenting books I've ever read." — Teresa, Parent, Waco, TX
"If you've ever been confused as a parent or teacher about what to say or how to respond to your child, then this book is for you. It's short enough to re-read again and again, which is lucky, because you'll want to." — Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, author of Playful Parenting
"SAY WHAT YOU An easy parenting strategy that really works." — Dr. Laura Markham, Aha! Parenting
"Reading this little book will change your life! Really! You will understand your child better, respond to your child differently, like yourself more, and teach your child life skills in the process - all in 90 pages!" — Dr. Garry Landreth, Founder of the Center for Play Therapy
"So concise. There's more on each page of this little book than in all the other parenting books I've ever read." — Teresa, Parent, Waco, TX
- GenresParentingNonfiction
106 pages, Paperback
First published July 11, 2011
51 people are currently reading
187 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
December 14, 2015
In this slim booklet (that took about thirty minutes to read), Sandra R. Blackard presents a simple guiding strategy - for responding to negative and positive behavior in a way that fosters self-confidence and creativity - as well as a handful of helpful tips; unfortunately, her strategy is just one piece of the parenting puzzle. Her techniques are included in other books that provide additional tips and guidance. In other words, "Say What You See" is a fabulous strategy communicated clearly in this book; it's just not a one-stop-shop for all your parenting needs.
Blackard advises parents to “SAY WHAT YOU SEE using neutral observations to connect, validate, and calm upsets. When you see a behavior you like, add a STRENGTH to help children become centered and self-confident. When you see a behavior you don’t like, add a CAN DO to gain cooperation and encourage creativity.” In other words, rather than lavishing praise upon your child, simply describe what they’ve accomplished and mention the positive attribute it indicates; for negative behavior, describe what they’ve done and then channel the impulse behind the action to a more appropriate expression (telling them where, when, or how they “can do” that thing). The goal is to avoid judgment (negative or positive), recognize that “[a]ll behaviors are driven by healthy needs,” and “encourage children to think and solve problems on their own” so that they don’t feel the need to seek external affirmation in youth or later in life.
The few unique suggestions (of what to say to children in common situations) and observations that jumped out at me follow:
(To a young child who’s interrupting) “‘Grab that thought and keep it in your pocket for a little bit longer, and then when I’m done, you can let it all out.’”
(To a child who’s refusing to eat something) “‘You’re not eating it! No way.’” (“With no need to defend or prove a dislike, kids sometimes change their minds.”)
(Instead of praise) “‘You did that just the way you wanted to!’ [or] ‘It’s what you think that matters!’”
“Children can’t walk through walls, but they usually don’t get upset about it - walls just are. Effective rules are like walls [not doors].”
“Children find it easier to cooperate when their good intentions are recognized.”
“Avoid taboos; gain cooperation.”
Blackard advises parents to “SAY WHAT YOU SEE using neutral observations to connect, validate, and calm upsets. When you see a behavior you like, add a STRENGTH to help children become centered and self-confident. When you see a behavior you don’t like, add a CAN DO to gain cooperation and encourage creativity.” In other words, rather than lavishing praise upon your child, simply describe what they’ve accomplished and mention the positive attribute it indicates; for negative behavior, describe what they’ve done and then channel the impulse behind the action to a more appropriate expression (telling them where, when, or how they “can do” that thing). The goal is to avoid judgment (negative or positive), recognize that “[a]ll behaviors are driven by healthy needs,” and “encourage children to think and solve problems on their own” so that they don’t feel the need to seek external affirmation in youth or later in life.
The few unique suggestions (of what to say to children in common situations) and observations that jumped out at me follow:
(To a young child who’s interrupting) “‘Grab that thought and keep it in your pocket for a little bit longer, and then when I’m done, you can let it all out.’”
(To a child who’s refusing to eat something) “‘You’re not eating it! No way.’” (“With no need to defend or prove a dislike, kids sometimes change their minds.”)
(Instead of praise) “‘You did that just the way you wanted to!’ [or] ‘It’s what you think that matters!’”
“Children can’t walk through walls, but they usually don’t get upset about it - walls just are. Effective rules are like walls [not doors].”
“Children find it easier to cooperate when their good intentions are recognized.”
“Avoid taboos; gain cooperation.”
February 21, 2015
Loved it. Wonderful ideas. I just wish it were longer.
August 15, 2015
Simple, yet so brilliant.
September 2, 2024
As soon as my daughter turned two the tantrums and emotions turned up to maximum, but this book has proven to be a game changer for us. The difference in my toddlers behavior was immediate- like flipping on a light switch. Helping my daughter verbalize how she's feeling and what she's experiencing has drastically cut down on tantrums and helped me be more connected with her. Even if the answer is no, just the knowledge that I'm hearing her and understanding makes all the difference. Anyone and everyone who deals with children should have this book!
September 19, 2014
In this slim booklet (that took about thirty minutes to read), Sandra R. Blackard presents a simple guiding strategy - for responding to negative and positive behavior in a way that fosters self-confidence and creativity - as well as a handful of helpful tips; unfortunately, the vast bulk of what she writes has been covered elsewhere (most notably in Harvey Karp’s more robust and helpful “Happiest Toddler on the Block”).
Blackard advises parents to “SAY WHAT YOU SEE using neutral observations to connect, validate, and calm upsets. When you see a behavior you like, add a STRENGTH to help children become centered and self-confident. When you see a behavior you don’t like, add a CAN DO to gain cooperation and encourage creativity.” In other words, rather than lavishing praise upon your child, simply describe what they’ve accomplished and mention the positive attribute it indicates; for negative behavior, describe what they’ve done and then channel the impulse behind the action to a more appropriate expression (telling them where, when, or how they “can do” that thing). The goal is to avoid judgment (negative or positive), recognize that “[a]ll behaviors are driven by healthy needs,” and “encourage children to think and solve problems on their own” so that they don’t feel the need to seek external affirmation in youth or later in life.
The few unique suggestions (of what to say to children in common situations) and observations that jumped out at me follow:
(To a young child who’s interrupting) “‘Grab that thought and keep it in your pocket for a little bit longer, and then when I’m done, you can let it all out.’”
(To a child who’s refusing to eat something) “‘You’re not eating it! No way.’” (“With no need to defend or prove a dislike, kids sometimes change their minds.”)
(Instead of praise) “‘You did that just the way you wanted to!’ [or] ‘It’s what you think that matters!’”
“Children can’t walk through walls, but they usually don’t get upset about it - walls just are. Effective rules are like walls [not doors].”
“Children find it easier to cooperate when their good intentions are recognized.”
“Avoid taboos; gain cooperation.”
Blackard advises parents to “SAY WHAT YOU SEE using neutral observations to connect, validate, and calm upsets. When you see a behavior you like, add a STRENGTH to help children become centered and self-confident. When you see a behavior you don’t like, add a CAN DO to gain cooperation and encourage creativity.” In other words, rather than lavishing praise upon your child, simply describe what they’ve accomplished and mention the positive attribute it indicates; for negative behavior, describe what they’ve done and then channel the impulse behind the action to a more appropriate expression (telling them where, when, or how they “can do” that thing). The goal is to avoid judgment (negative or positive), recognize that “[a]ll behaviors are driven by healthy needs,” and “encourage children to think and solve problems on their own” so that they don’t feel the need to seek external affirmation in youth or later in life.
The few unique suggestions (of what to say to children in common situations) and observations that jumped out at me follow:
(To a young child who’s interrupting) “‘Grab that thought and keep it in your pocket for a little bit longer, and then when I’m done, you can let it all out.’”
(To a child who’s refusing to eat something) “‘You’re not eating it! No way.’” (“With no need to defend or prove a dislike, kids sometimes change their minds.”)
(Instead of praise) “‘You did that just the way you wanted to!’ [or] ‘It’s what you think that matters!’”
“Children can’t walk through walls, but they usually don’t get upset about it - walls just are. Effective rules are like walls [not doors].”
“Children find it easier to cooperate when their good intentions are recognized.”
“Avoid taboos; gain cooperation.”
February 19, 2023
So simple. The guidance for parenting is abundant in our lives right now: TikTok, Instagram, unsolicited advice from EVERYONE. This book, however, breaks it down into three parts. So easy to swallow. So easy to follow. Exactly what I’ve been working on and trying to do with my toddler, but in a way that doesn’t leave me overthinking it.
May 16, 2019
Brilliant
I cannot wait to try these amazing techniques. Game changer. So glad I found this book. As a grandparent I need it to be more mindful of how I talk to my grandchildren. Thank you for writing this book.
I cannot wait to try these amazing techniques. Game changer. So glad I found this book. As a grandparent I need it to be more mindful of how I talk to my grandchildren. Thank you for writing this book.
January 20, 2020
Say What You See
I like the idea of this book and sometimes I find it works. Other times not so much. I’m not going to give up on it but I can’t say that I’m blown away with this book and it what it contains.
I like the idea of this book and sometimes I find it works. Other times not so much. I’m not going to give up on it but I can’t say that I’m blown away with this book and it what it contains.
November 18, 2021
I love this book and I'm always recommending it to clients. It's short enough to finish, but has enough practical advice to actually use the ideas. It's not heavily focused on theory, and really helped me to see my kids from a new perspective!
Love this book! It's one I've read many times.
Love this book! It's one I've read many times.
February 6, 2023
Quick and easy and straight to the point. Read it in one sitting. I started reading it with a side eye, but it quickly made a lot of sense. Works in practice so far. As long as I can hold my patience, which is honestly, a whole nother struggle.
April 27, 2023
One of the best parenting books I’ve read. Super short, practical, & to the point! The theories behind it are 1 sentence rather than chapters & chapters that drone on. I do wish it had a chapter on effective consequences, what to do when kids say “no” to the wall. Other than that, 5 stars!
January 11, 2016
Change it up
Straightforward approach to changing the way you interact with kids. As it often is, the hardest part will be changing yourself. Wonder how it would work with adults.
Straightforward approach to changing the way you interact with kids. As it often is, the hardest part will be changing yourself. Wonder how it would work with adults.
December 19, 2015
Excellent, simple, short and practical. I will be using this more and more.
August 7, 2022
this was great!
August 26, 2024
A super quick action-forward book about listening to and communicating well with young children. I got a couple takeaways, but I’m not sure this book would be helpful if I didn’t have a solid foundation in gentle parenting (or whatever we’re calling non-abusive, treating-kids-like-humans parenting styles these days). Without understanding the reason behind the approach, I’m not sure the behavior changes on the parents’ part would stick. On the other hand, this is a relatively quick and easy way to effect immediate change, and that’s not nothing, either. You could start here in a pinch and do a deeper dive on brain science and / or family dynamics later.
November 16, 2024
The book is short and to the point, which could be nice for parents of little ones. Basic, nice principles.
November 11, 2025
Easy to digest! Singkat padat cucok
September 19, 2014
In this slim booklet (that took about thirty minutes to read), Sandra R. Blackard presents a simple guiding strategy - for responding to negative and positive behavior in a way that fosters self-confidence and creativity - as well as a handful of helpful tips; unfortunately, the vast bulk of what she writes has been covered elsewhere (most notably in Harvey Karp’s more robust and helpful “Happiest Toddler on the Block”).
Blackard advises parents to “SAY WHAT YOU SEE using neutral observations to connect, validate, and calm upsets. When you see a behavior you like, add a STRENGTH to help children become centered and self-confident. When you see a behavior you don’t like, add a CAN DO to gain cooperation and encourage creativity.” In other words, rather than lavishing praise upon your child, simply describe what they’ve accomplished and mention the positive attribute it indicates; for negative behavior, describe what they’ve done and then channel the impulse behind the action to a more appropriate expression (telling them where, when, or how they “can do” that thing). The goal is to avoid judgment (negative or positive), recognize that “[a]ll behaviors are driven by healthy needs,” and “encourage children to think and solve problems on their own” so that they don’t feel the need to seek external affirmation in youth or later in life.
The few unique suggestions (of what to say to children in common situations) and observations that jumped out at me follow:
(To a young child who’s interrupting) “‘Grab that thought and keep it in your pocket for a little bit longer, and then when I’m done, you can let it all out.’”
(To a child who’s refusing to eat something) “‘You’re not eating it! No way.’” (“With no need to defend or prove a dislike, kids sometimes change their minds.”)
(Instead of praise) “‘You did that just the way you wanted to!’ [or] ‘It’s what you think that matters!’”
“Children can’t walk through walls, but they usually don’t get upset about it - walls just are. Effective rules are like walls [not doors].”
“Children find it easier to cooperate when their good intentions are recognized.”
“Avoid taboos; gain cooperation.”
Blackard advises parents to “SAY WHAT YOU SEE using neutral observations to connect, validate, and calm upsets. When you see a behavior you like, add a STRENGTH to help children become centered and self-confident. When you see a behavior you don’t like, add a CAN DO to gain cooperation and encourage creativity.” In other words, rather than lavishing praise upon your child, simply describe what they’ve accomplished and mention the positive attribute it indicates; for negative behavior, describe what they’ve done and then channel the impulse behind the action to a more appropriate expression (telling them where, when, or how they “can do” that thing). The goal is to avoid judgment (negative or positive), recognize that “[a]ll behaviors are driven by healthy needs,” and “encourage children to think and solve problems on their own” so that they don’t feel the need to seek external affirmation in youth or later in life.
The few unique suggestions (of what to say to children in common situations) and observations that jumped out at me follow:
(To a young child who’s interrupting) “‘Grab that thought and keep it in your pocket for a little bit longer, and then when I’m done, you can let it all out.’”
(To a child who’s refusing to eat something) “‘You’re not eating it! No way.’” (“With no need to defend or prove a dislike, kids sometimes change their minds.”)
(Instead of praise) “‘You did that just the way you wanted to!’ [or] ‘It’s what you think that matters!’”
“Children can’t walk through walls, but they usually don’t get upset about it - walls just are. Effective rules are like walls [not doors].”
“Children find it easier to cooperate when their good intentions are recognized.”
“Avoid taboos; gain cooperation.”
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews