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160 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2006
And the night smells like snow.
Walking home, for a moment
you almost believe you could start again.
And an intense love rushes to your heart,
and hope. It's unendurable, unendurable.
[...]
No one must be asked to relinquish
a grievance that can't be removed
without further destruction, it may be
it is lodged in who he is now
like a bullet in a brain
whose removal might just cause worse change.
...dreamily
smiling
with an ice pick
in my skull, it
was all
in my mind.
I just noticed that it is my own private
National I Hate Myself and Want to Die Day
(which means the next day I will love my life
and want to live forever).
[...]
literature will lose, sunlight will win, don't worry.
And every day I'll try
to do one thing I like,
in memory of being happy.
I lived as a monster, my only
hope is to die like a child.
In the otherwise vacant
and seemingly ceilingless
vastness of a snowlit Boston
church, a voice
said: I
can do that--
if you ask me, I will do it
for you.
The what lies beyond
this loneliness and panic
I call dying, time, remorse, this cold
and purifying
fire, which hurts so much, which burns
away the world and all I was
who walked and breathed and spoke
how real it all seemed
for a few years, but I was always
immortal and will be
once more, when I return
to the infinite time
which elapsed before I was conceived;
[...]
And I have heard God's silence like the sun
now I long to return to it
[...]
The angel's going to raise his arms and sing that time is no more
nor tears: that numbered
sea of them is gone--
now there is a new sea, a new earth, a new sky--
and I will know what to say at the end: What end?
And I can add I found this world sufficiently miraculous for me, before I'm changed.
The final and ultimate act of compassion: return
from peace to the place where you were tortured
to death in order to comfort once more
the frightened friends who'd deserted you, denying
even having known you.
Eyes filled with the great gold wheel of God's eternal day.
How do you do. I am the broken
bird hidden in a grass-filled shoebox
and gradually nursed to death by some neglected child
I'm the crazy woman whose pet rat rides her left shoulder
drinking her tears.
Empty me of the bitterness and disappointment of being nothing but myself
Immerse me in the mystery of reality
Fill me with love for the truly afflicted
that hopeless love, if need be
make me one of them again--
And I did, I put the bullet in
my head,
I thought
(A single lead
antidepressant and all
would be cured)
[...]
The uninterruptible
voice, the
silence I now call
my only
friend
Who says
right about now you might want to stop playing
mad chemist with your brain: return to Me
and I will return
After you were dead, I thought
nothing really terrible can ever happen now.
[...]
never again can I stab you in the heart.
I feel like I'm standing in somebody's dorm room
my book on the desk, open
to this page: November
light, bare
infectious shadows
moving on the pillow
some sort of distant whale song
through the glass
silently bending the pines
It's 1974--
remember, before
cocaine became addictive--
I would like to give my life
the sad and awful simplicity
of an early weekday mass with
a handful of most lonely humans in attendance.
And so much ecstasy, how could I tell you
Those were the days all right
And they will surely come again
Oh, not for me--
but they will come.
Publication Date
From a Line by Reverdy
The Hawk
The Reader
Arkansas First Light
Text & Commentary
A Happy Thought
Why Is The Winter Light
Love
Wake
On the Death of a Cat
While they were considering whether to stone her -
and why not? - he knelt
and with his finger wrote
something in the dust. We are
as you know made from
dust, and the unknown
word
was, therefore, and is
and forever will be
written in our flesh
in gray folds of
memory’s
flesh. En
archê ên ho logos: