I Don't Need a Baby to Be Who I Am: Thoughts and Affirmations on a Fulfilling Life

by Joan Brady

The author of the best-seller, God on a Harley, recounts how she turned her sadness about being childless after forty into joy, discovering the happiness of following one's own dream and the continuing pleasures of femininity.

Genres: Nonfiction

125 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1998

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Joan Brady (born 1950) is an American writer.

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little basic. Not sure current thinking really sees women as more compassionate, intuitive, etc. It feels kind of out dated considering our opening minds regarding gender roles. But baby steps. No pun intended.

The first half of the book sang my soul. My soul. The longing. The judgments. The fears. And the freedoms.

I’m 37. Not sure if I’ll be childfree forever. Or that if I am biologically if I won’t adopt or foster.

I teach and I get it that I can be there for kids whose parents aren’t or can’t or can’t in the way I am.

Why do I also feel like that’s a cop out?

I see a glimpse of making decisions based on me and my intuitions rather than hemming and hawing, asking numbers of others for their advice.

All in all, we should be happy with what we have. And never judge another.

But hey, I do. So why can’t they?

Best lines....... some of them.....

“And then, of course, there are the women who often decide out of maturity, responsibility, and generosity not to have children of their own.” (114-5)

If I’m smug- it’s because you shun me.

Or because I’m hiding fear.

Also

“The hardest part of all, though, was when...even more painful, they sometimes assumed that I simply didn’t like children.” (13)

I like them so much I don’t want to bring one into the world to simply ease my longing, if I and my partner aren’t ready and full of self-awareness, healing, love and resources to support them!!

“There is probably no better feeling in the world than knowing that we are right where we belong and that we are among like-minded people. Though it’s subtler in nature, for me that sense of belonging ranks right up there with essentials like a satisfying meal, heat in the winter, and a good night’s sleep.” (43)

Most mothers don’t make me feel that way. Bless the ones that do.

“Of course, there was always the option of just having a baby anyway, without the added complication of marriage, but I had to honestly ask myself what my motivation for this was. The answer was not pretty. Put simply, I was just plain lonely. And maybe a little bored as well. Neither was a good enough reason to have a baby, as far as I could see. In spite of having been socialized to believe that motherhood would fill me with an enormous sense of satisfaction and that raising children was the ultimate feminine fulfillment, I also began to wonder why, if this were so, were so many foster homes filled to overflowing? As usual, I found people evaded answering my questions.

Whenever I mentioned it to others, I consistently received the same answer, ‘You’ll feel empty and lonely later in life if you never have children.’ That didn’t really scare me because I was feeling empty and lonely anyway. The next question that kept creeping into my mind was, Why are the people who are telling me this, all people who are married with children? How can they possibly know about something they have never experienced, and why am I listening to them?” (9-10)

[Heidi-Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

They definitely need to change the title of this book.... This book was almost discarded during our weeding project. At first I thought from the title that this was a book about Power to Women, and sticking it to the man, and the whole watch me be successful instead of trodden down by the world's idea that women should stay at home. It was nothing like that at all. It was one woman's experiences of what it was like to have not been able to have children in this life, and sharing that with others in similar situations to let them know they are not alone and maybe give them ideas of how to cope with this sad state of life themselves.

I believe the author wrote well. She often repeated some things, but hearing them more than once could be helpful. I certainly related to many parts of the book. I read it at a time when I needed it, and it coincided well with other things I've been reading and parts of my life that I have been trying to work on. There were occasional things that I think I would have clicked with more had they had a more Gospel perspective. I think I would much more prefer to read (and find it much more enjoyable and uplifting and inspirational) a book on this topic written by Sheri Dew. Still, overall, the book was comforting to know I'm not alone in my sorrows. And also a confidence boost to know that some of the things this author was learning in her 40s I have already been learning in my early 20s. Thank goodness for the teachings and support of the LDS church!

[Mander Pander · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one left me a fence sitter, though I am ultimately going to file it under "I liked it." I think there's a lot of value in here for women who are "childless," but a little less for those of us who are "child free." And there's a big gap between the two groups of people-- "childless" women are those whom have an urge to bear or raise children, and due to biology or relationships, have not had the opportunity to do so. "Child free" women are women for whom reproduction is not desirable and/ or something to be avoided.

While the author has many empowering thoughts about life without children, and some great insight into changing relationships between women with children and those without, she is quite firmly "childless." She wanted children, she ached for children, and she's learned to embrace and love life even though she never had any. It's a perspective I don't understand, because I have never wanted children. It is certainly wonderful to have a book where my choices aren't questioned or outright condemned, but I could not name her as my champion.

[Christina Barbato · Rating 4 out of 5]

...an inspiration, since I've been debating the child (or not) question for years, this gave me some food for thought and reassurance regarding the 'not' side of the story.