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Each for the Other Revised edition
Marriage requires not just love, but sacrificial love, says Bryan Chapell. In his newly revised and updated book, Each for the Other, he shows married couples how to emulate the unselfish, sacrificial love of Christ. While imparting invaluable instruction grounded in Scripture, Chapell not only helps husbands and wives understand the nature of God's care but also affirms the importance of building a spiritual foundation that binds them together as one. By presenting a biblical model of marriage, Chapell encourages couples to dive into the deeper dimensions of their relationship. The result, he says, is a Christ-centered marriage and a grace-filled family. Refreshing and honest, Each for the Other is a perfect guide to show spouses, engaged couples, and marriage counselors what marriage is meant to be.
Paperback
First published December 31, 1998
63 people are currently reading
523 people want to read
About the author
Bryan Chapell
64 books85 followersBryan Chapell is the president of Covenant Theological Seminary in St. Louis, Missouri, the denominational seminary of the Presbyterian Church in America. He began teaching at Covenant in 1984 after ten years in pastoral ministry. Chapell has a BSJ from Northwestern University, an MDiv from Covenant Theological Seminary, and a PhD in speech communication from Southern Illinois University Carbondale.
Before becoming president in 1994, he served for six years as vice president for academics and dean of faculty. He is a speaker in churches and conferences around the country, preaching and lecturing on topics including grace, marriage, and journalism. Chapell's online broadcast ministry, Living Christ 360, contains additional resources in his areas of expertise.
Before becoming president in 1994, he served for six years as vice president for academics and dean of faculty. He is a speaker in churches and conferences around the country, preaching and lecturing on topics including grace, marriage, and journalism. Chapell's online broadcast ministry, Living Christ 360, contains additional resources in his areas of expertise.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
August 13, 2015
Solid. Probably the most affirming toward women marriage book I've read. This is the first book I've read about marriage that did not make me feel guilty for being a strong assertive woman. There is a nice balance here and affirming of the fact that "traditional gender roles" don't make a marriage. My one quibble would be that while Chappell affirms women in various roles almost every single positive example of a women is someone who is smart who stayed home with her children. I would have liked to see examples come from a broader range of experience seeing as the book makes that point over and over.
January 13, 2023
Simple principles on marriage applied to various aspects of life. The content is in essence very similar to other sound marriage books (Keller, Harvey, Tripp), but distinguishes itself by sticking closely to the most basic Biblical principles of the gospel, the importance of a personal relatinoship with God, love, respect, unity, etc. - and gives many helpful good and bad examples from Chapell's long pastoral ministry of how to apply (or not apply) these principles. He doesn't try to teach the informed reader anything new, but reminds them of the importance of the basics which they are always in danger of forgetting. Helpful, convicting, edifying.
January 4, 2021
A great book on marriage from a Biblical perspective
August 17, 2023
Some good stuff mixed in some weird examples.
November 18, 2024
Excellent, Must Read
March 7, 2020
Nothing super shiny in here, but it's all quality.
July 30, 2021
I don’t like the authors writing and he goes around in circles to make his “point”.
August 9, 2015
A better one is Tim Keller's book on marriage.
“‘Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.’ (Matt. 10:39). Lives devoted to serving self cannot avoid making one’s own desires the god of every action. Such gods ultimately enslave us to our appetites and deprive us of the relationships that make our lives fulfilling.”
“Home: where each lives for the other, and all live for God.”
“me-Tarzan-you-doormat stereotype”
Neat story about rock climbing: there is a leader partner, but he isn’t always the one who goes first.
“adulterous misogynists with the domestic ethics of ‘Jabba the Hut’”
“Biblical headship is the conscientious and loving use of the authority God grants a husband to ensure that all in his home honor God and experience his blessings.”
Letter from Major Ballou to wife. (Was in Ken Burns series The Civil War
His wife, Cathy, is a flute player.
Family devotions are a must.
“The beauty we consistently cite, we increasingly see.”
“Just as a basketball deflated on one side won’t work, so a marriage with one side diminished deprives both persons of being what God desires.” Can a basketball be deflated on only one side?
“Men become puppets controlled by their own need for significance- a parody of success without satisfaction.”
“Most women do not want their men to die for them. They want their men to live for them.” -Karen Howe
“The example the husband sets has eternal consequences. This means headship is more about controlling one’s character than controlling one’s wife. The man who is more concerned with how his wife should obey him than with how he should obey God fails the kindergarten of biblical headship.”
“Christ’s love is our relational fuel. If our spiritual lives are running on empty, then we will suck energy from the life of our marriages.. . . Until the certainty of God’s approval fills the wells of self-esteem in a man’s heart, he will always be tempted to drain life from others.”
“The husband must ask not only, Am I leading my family to a better knowledge of God? but also, Is my leadership self-serving or sacrificial? The wife must similarly ask not only, Do my actions, words, and attitudes support my husband so as to enable him to lead my family to a better knowledge of God? but also, Have I truly in everything submitted my life to this highest priority?”
“Biblical submission ultimately is not the suppression of gifts but the full expression of them on behalf of the other.”
“In heaven’s accounting, persons are not valued according to the level of authority they possess but according to God’s infinite, equal, and unconditional love.”
“The Bible frees men and women from the human grids of power and accomplishment that supposedly determine worth. God removes the comparison and performance price tags we put on ourselves and replaces them with knowledge of our infinite value to God’s eternal purposes.”
Kathy gives another example from hiking: The husband is the group leader on the trail and wife is the sweeper at the back of the pack. The group leader sets the pace and decides the route, but the sweeper gives feedback to the leader and remains alert for the trailheads as well.
“These words require me to tell my wife how much I respect her sacrifices for the good of our family. I need to remember that is caused consternation among her college instructors when she did not pursue a concert career that would have conflicted with our church ministry. I should relish the creative ways that she has used her musical gifts to bring glory to God and good to our family. When my early jobs offered meager financial support to our family, she taught music lessons for extra income. For many years she has led children and adult choirs, often without pay, to enable our children and our church to glorify God. She has performed countless solos, hymn accompaniments, Christmas programs, and Easter cantatas for the pure joy of sharing her music with others. She has even let me croak Broadway tunes with her at our home piano. All this she has done while raising four children to love the Lord - the greatest instruments of her praise.”
“Hollywood stereotypes to the contrary, my counseling experience indicates married men typically do not get involved in extramarital relationships with women more beautiful and sophisticated than their wives. Men have affairs with women who make them feel important and competent - in a word, respected. Men in such affairs will acknowledge they involved with someone who does not ‘measure up’ to their wives in beauty, intelligence, or social standing. Still, the man’s need for respect from a woman drives to one who knows him less well but treats him more highly than his wife. A man’s need never excuses his betrayal, nor does his guilt prove his wife’s neglect. But the woman who loves her husband and wants to guard their marriage from sin strives to make her regard his lifeline to self-respect. Staying interested in a husband career, rejoicing in his successes, cheerleading his ambitions, listening to his dreams, honoring his decisions, admiring his physical appearance, and making a joyous offering of love by overlooking flaws in each of these areas are powerful seductions available to every wife.”
“This is the essence of biblical parenting: not acquiescing to children’s wills but equipping them to live according to God’s will.”
Building blocks:
Love Relationship with God. “The realization that the Father we perceive our God to be largely shapes the parent we are able to be challenges us to make sure that our understanding of God is biblical.”
Love Relationship with Spouse. “Scripture affirms what our instincts say: healthy children spring from the soil of healthy marriages.”
The Responsibilities of the Child.
The Responsibilities of the Parent.
What Parents should not do.
“Our spiritual commitments - what is deepest in our hearts rather than the outward expressions of words or deeds - ultimately will secure what is dearest in our lives.”
“‘Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.’ (Matt. 10:39). Lives devoted to serving self cannot avoid making one’s own desires the god of every action. Such gods ultimately enslave us to our appetites and deprive us of the relationships that make our lives fulfilling.”
“Home: where each lives for the other, and all live for God.”
“me-Tarzan-you-doormat stereotype”
Neat story about rock climbing: there is a leader partner, but he isn’t always the one who goes first.
“adulterous misogynists with the domestic ethics of ‘Jabba the Hut’”
“Biblical headship is the conscientious and loving use of the authority God grants a husband to ensure that all in his home honor God and experience his blessings.”
Letter from Major Ballou to wife. (Was in Ken Burns series The Civil War
His wife, Cathy, is a flute player.
Family devotions are a must.
“The beauty we consistently cite, we increasingly see.”
“Just as a basketball deflated on one side won’t work, so a marriage with one side diminished deprives both persons of being what God desires.” Can a basketball be deflated on only one side?
“Men become puppets controlled by their own need for significance- a parody of success without satisfaction.”
“Most women do not want their men to die for them. They want their men to live for them.” -Karen Howe
“The example the husband sets has eternal consequences. This means headship is more about controlling one’s character than controlling one’s wife. The man who is more concerned with how his wife should obey him than with how he should obey God fails the kindergarten of biblical headship.”
“Christ’s love is our relational fuel. If our spiritual lives are running on empty, then we will suck energy from the life of our marriages.. . . Until the certainty of God’s approval fills the wells of self-esteem in a man’s heart, he will always be tempted to drain life from others.”
“The husband must ask not only, Am I leading my family to a better knowledge of God? but also, Is my leadership self-serving or sacrificial? The wife must similarly ask not only, Do my actions, words, and attitudes support my husband so as to enable him to lead my family to a better knowledge of God? but also, Have I truly in everything submitted my life to this highest priority?”
“Biblical submission ultimately is not the suppression of gifts but the full expression of them on behalf of the other.”
“In heaven’s accounting, persons are not valued according to the level of authority they possess but according to God’s infinite, equal, and unconditional love.”
“The Bible frees men and women from the human grids of power and accomplishment that supposedly determine worth. God removes the comparison and performance price tags we put on ourselves and replaces them with knowledge of our infinite value to God’s eternal purposes.”
Kathy gives another example from hiking: The husband is the group leader on the trail and wife is the sweeper at the back of the pack. The group leader sets the pace and decides the route, but the sweeper gives feedback to the leader and remains alert for the trailheads as well.
“These words require me to tell my wife how much I respect her sacrifices for the good of our family. I need to remember that is caused consternation among her college instructors when she did not pursue a concert career that would have conflicted with our church ministry. I should relish the creative ways that she has used her musical gifts to bring glory to God and good to our family. When my early jobs offered meager financial support to our family, she taught music lessons for extra income. For many years she has led children and adult choirs, often without pay, to enable our children and our church to glorify God. She has performed countless solos, hymn accompaniments, Christmas programs, and Easter cantatas for the pure joy of sharing her music with others. She has even let me croak Broadway tunes with her at our home piano. All this she has done while raising four children to love the Lord - the greatest instruments of her praise.”
“Hollywood stereotypes to the contrary, my counseling experience indicates married men typically do not get involved in extramarital relationships with women more beautiful and sophisticated than their wives. Men have affairs with women who make them feel important and competent - in a word, respected. Men in such affairs will acknowledge they involved with someone who does not ‘measure up’ to their wives in beauty, intelligence, or social standing. Still, the man’s need for respect from a woman drives to one who knows him less well but treats him more highly than his wife. A man’s need never excuses his betrayal, nor does his guilt prove his wife’s neglect. But the woman who loves her husband and wants to guard their marriage from sin strives to make her regard his lifeline to self-respect. Staying interested in a husband career, rejoicing in his successes, cheerleading his ambitions, listening to his dreams, honoring his decisions, admiring his physical appearance, and making a joyous offering of love by overlooking flaws in each of these areas are powerful seductions available to every wife.”
“This is the essence of biblical parenting: not acquiescing to children’s wills but equipping them to live according to God’s will.”
Building blocks:
Love Relationship with God. “The realization that the Father we perceive our God to be largely shapes the parent we are able to be challenges us to make sure that our understanding of God is biblical.”
Love Relationship with Spouse. “Scripture affirms what our instincts say: healthy children spring from the soil of healthy marriages.”
The Responsibilities of the Child.
The Responsibilities of the Parent.
What Parents should not do.
“Our spiritual commitments - what is deepest in our hearts rather than the outward expressions of words or deeds - ultimately will secure what is dearest in our lives.”
October 31, 2023
Caution! Not a biblical view of marriage! This book is simply a book of this author's opinions, with Bible texts, words, and phrases used out of context throughout.
If you read this book, please also read anything by Darby Strickland, or Sam Powell, and also, please read The Emotionally Destrucive Marriage by Leslie Vernick.
If you are a wife and are in need of support and/or an advocate, Haven of Mercy may be a good place to start.
If you read this book, please also read anything by Darby Strickland, or Sam Powell, and also, please read The Emotionally Destrucive Marriage by Leslie Vernick.
If you are a wife and are in need of support and/or an advocate, Haven of Mercy may be a good place to start.
August 17, 2018
Disclaimer Bryan Chapell is the pastor of my Church.
I read most of this book, but portions of Part 2 I skimmed. Overall, I really enjoyed this book on marriage. Bryan's strengths are providing examples and anecdotes to emphasize his points and bring additional clarity. I also appreciated the additional editorial comments provided by his wife Kathy.
I read most of this book, but portions of Part 2 I skimmed. Overall, I really enjoyed this book on marriage. Bryan's strengths are providing examples and anecdotes to emphasize his points and bring additional clarity. I also appreciated the additional editorial comments provided by his wife Kathy.
February 4, 2021
One of the more clearly articulated books on marriage from a biblical perspective. Significant illustrations and anecdotes to clarify subjects that are often presented abstractly in other books.
Would recommend.
Would recommend.
January 1, 2024
Perhaps the best marriage book I’ve read. It could’ve been a little shorter as the last chapters seemed to drag a bit. The message of loving sacrifice for the good of the other in light of Christ’s sacrificial love was very good to consider and live out.
October 28, 2019
This is the most excellent book on marriage I have read so far. Wow. Chapell's perspective is Biblical, well-explained, and insightful.
May 31, 2020
Very good.
February 13, 2022
Very biblical book on how a Christian marriage should be- very encouraging end enjoyable to read
February 5, 2023
Very encouraging and a good reminder to submit with self sacrificing love and respect
May 1, 2023
This is excellent, very simply picture of gospel centered marriage, and the biblical roles of husband and wife in a God honoring marriage. I plan to revisit this one.
August 14, 2023
I thought this was a great book about marriage. I just remembered that I read it a couple of years ago, but my pastor recommended it to my husband and I and it helped us.
July 22, 2025
Such an encouraging book written with practical examples and encouragements. Bryan was a sweet Bible expositor and Kathy gave helpful practical examples. This is a must read.
February 22, 2008
A challenge to husbands and wives to live for Christ in their marriages. If seeing God glorified is our top priority, Paul's instructions for husbands to love and lead and for wives to respect and submit will be goals we will joyfully pursue. This is a beautifully written explanation of headship and submission with plenty of scriptural backing.
**HIGHLIGHTS**
Introduction:
"God designed us to know life's greatest fulfillment through losing ourselves in the service of purposes higher than self-satisfaction."
"As Christ's love changes our families, it also becomes powerfully evident and appealing to outsiders who are desperate for answers to the family decline so frequently reported in our society."
Chapter One:
"Biblical headship is the conscientious and loving use of the authority God grants a husband to ensure that a home (and all its members) honor God and experience his blessings."
"The head of a home stands before God on behalf of his family and he lives before his family on behalf of God."
Chapter Two:
"The gospel of Christ's forgiveness should be a dominant voice in our homes. Initially this means that the message of the Bible should make a daily appearance in our homes through family devotions, church participation, and personal conversation."
"God has designed the similarities and differences of a man and woman in marriage to complement and support the spiritual growth of both."
Chapter Three:
"Our presumption should be that the companions God gave to complete us have valuable contributions to make to our own growth so long as we do not stifle that contribution or isolate ourselves from it."
"In our marriages, as well as in the world, we all remain 'Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.'"
Chapter Four:
"...a woman's submission is motivated not so much by a husband's deserving as by God's purposes."
"God intends for each wife to complement her husband so that together they fulfill God's expectations for their lives more completely than either could separately."
Chapter Five:
"...the Bible requires wives to obey whatever their husbands may require that is not contrary to God's word, but this is in the context of the requirement that husbands sacrifice their interests for the good of their wives."
"Affirmation of the value and glory of a wife who lives for another should be one of the great ministries of the church."
Chapter Six:
"When we invest ourselves in the satisfaction, security, and development of other persons, we do more than build their self-esteem. We add to our esteem of them."
"God's redeeming influence in the heart of a woman does not make her want equal or greater dominance with a man, but restores in her an appreciation for the headship God designed for her husband."
Chapter Seven:
"This is the essence of biblical parenting: not acquiescing to children's demands but seeking to provide for their need to live as God requires."
"The essence of biblical parenting is recognizing that we are the dispensers of God's grace into our children's lives."
Chapter Eight:
"We serve others' spiritual interests when we willingly suffer loss to show we trust God to make things right rather than engage in wrong to accomplish what we perceive is right."
Chapter Nine:
"The greatest love grows where self is served the least. This mystery takes concrete form in marriage when we patiently endure one another's fears and foolishness, refuse to use strengths to take advantage of another's weaknesses, enable each to fulfill responsibilities, cheer one another's dreams, comfort each other's sorrows, work to understand each other's needs, and forgive one another."
"We live for another because we have committed ourselves to living for the God who requires it."
**HIGHLIGHTS**
Introduction:
"God designed us to know life's greatest fulfillment through losing ourselves in the service of purposes higher than self-satisfaction."
"As Christ's love changes our families, it also becomes powerfully evident and appealing to outsiders who are desperate for answers to the family decline so frequently reported in our society."
Chapter One:
"Biblical headship is the conscientious and loving use of the authority God grants a husband to ensure that a home (and all its members) honor God and experience his blessings."
"The head of a home stands before God on behalf of his family and he lives before his family on behalf of God."
Chapter Two:
"The gospel of Christ's forgiveness should be a dominant voice in our homes. Initially this means that the message of the Bible should make a daily appearance in our homes through family devotions, church participation, and personal conversation."
"God has designed the similarities and differences of a man and woman in marriage to complement and support the spiritual growth of both."
Chapter Three:
"Our presumption should be that the companions God gave to complete us have valuable contributions to make to our own growth so long as we do not stifle that contribution or isolate ourselves from it."
"In our marriages, as well as in the world, we all remain 'Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.'"
Chapter Four:
"...a woman's submission is motivated not so much by a husband's deserving as by God's purposes."
"God intends for each wife to complement her husband so that together they fulfill God's expectations for their lives more completely than either could separately."
Chapter Five:
"...the Bible requires wives to obey whatever their husbands may require that is not contrary to God's word, but this is in the context of the requirement that husbands sacrifice their interests for the good of their wives."
"Affirmation of the value and glory of a wife who lives for another should be one of the great ministries of the church."
Chapter Six:
"When we invest ourselves in the satisfaction, security, and development of other persons, we do more than build their self-esteem. We add to our esteem of them."
"God's redeeming influence in the heart of a woman does not make her want equal or greater dominance with a man, but restores in her an appreciation for the headship God designed for her husband."
Chapter Seven:
"This is the essence of biblical parenting: not acquiescing to children's demands but seeking to provide for their need to live as God requires."
"The essence of biblical parenting is recognizing that we are the dispensers of God's grace into our children's lives."
Chapter Eight:
"We serve others' spiritual interests when we willingly suffer loss to show we trust God to make things right rather than engage in wrong to accomplish what we perceive is right."
Chapter Nine:
"The greatest love grows where self is served the least. This mystery takes concrete form in marriage when we patiently endure one another's fears and foolishness, refuse to use strengths to take advantage of another's weaknesses, enable each to fulfill responsibilities, cheer one another's dreams, comfort each other's sorrows, work to understand each other's needs, and forgive one another."
"We live for another because we have committed ourselves to living for the God who requires it."
February 7, 2017
I really wanted to like this book, and I do feel that the first 2/3s were stronger than the last 1/3. I read it for a book study we are doing at church. I think this book is good for new Christians entering into marriage. I did not like the section on parenting, as I thought it came across as extremely smug and judgemental, especially regarding children from single parent homes. Granted, I have a bit of a bias when it comes to defending those children, but even so, I found the blanket generalizations regarding those children to be quite shocking indeed. As far as marriage books are concerned, I much preferred Mike Mason's The Mystery of Marriage and Martha Peace's The Excellent Wife.
January 5, 2013
A great book for the married couple. Well nuanced theologically, and as one would expect from Chapell, well illustrated and pastoral. This is a great read for married couples and those about to be married. For the single person wanting to read a book about marriage, I would recommend Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage: Finding Happiness in Your Most Profound Relationship. For a fuller review of "Each for the Other" follow this link.
September 17, 2013
This is a good book for a particular audience. Is you are a conservative Christian, you will enjoy this book. I think, however, as a conservative Christian, that marriage is for everyone, not just Christians. As the institution of marriage changes all around us, it is Italy important that Christians consider the broad context and be able to articulate a view of marriage that outsiders can understand. This book will not help you do that.
It may also be a cultural issue. My Bible Belt friends like this book, and it seems to help them with their patriarchal issues. I am a recovering Feminist Yankee, and Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" helped me A LOT more. I guess this is just not the world I live in.
It may also be a cultural issue. My Bible Belt friends like this book, and it seems to help them with their patriarchal issues. I am a recovering Feminist Yankee, and Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" helped me A LOT more. I guess this is just not the world I live in.
June 25, 2012
This is a great little book on marriage and parenting. It basically is an exposition of Ephesians 5:25-6:4. It looks at the role of a husband, then wife, and finally children and parents. It was very nicely written and reads quickly but packs a lot of great information and would really help one begin forming a theology of marriage and parenting.
Publisher: Baker Books
Year: 2006
Pages: 203
Boards: Paperback
Binding: Glue
Subject Index: no
Scripture Index: no
Bibliography/Recommended reading: no
Persons Index: no
Includes study guide
Publisher: Baker Books
Year: 2006
Pages: 203
Boards: Paperback
Binding: Glue
Subject Index: no
Scripture Index: no
Bibliography/Recommended reading: no
Persons Index: no
Includes study guide
July 16, 2011
A clear and cogent case for biblical marriage, Each for the Other provides a solid glimpse of how marriage should be--husbands and wives serving each other, each laying down his or her life for the other. Chapell offers a solid antidote to the increasingly popular sentiment in our culture that disparages the roles of men and women in marriage and blurs the distinction between the two. If you want to know how to have a joyful, God-honoring marriage, read this book!
September 26, 2011
I hear the authors present this material at a marriage conference at our church. It was singularly the best discussion of headship and submission that I've ever heard; in short, that headship is the use of authority in service to another, and that submission is the exercise of all of one's gifts for the completion of another. I think this is my favorite book on marriage I've read.
March 15, 2011
This was a good one, though it was oddly written: the syntax was all over the place and the illustrations Chappel uses are out of control. It was like hearing a long, sort of deafening sermon. There is good stuff in it, however, specifically about what it means to be the "head" of a marriage in a biblically honoring way.
Read
June 30, 2010Source: Marriage and Family class at Moody
Response: Much more text-booky than Love and Respect, which was good, but took a little longer to read. Focused very nicely on the ultimate reason for loving and respecting your spouce: because God says to, not so they’ll do the same back.
Response: Much more text-booky than Love and Respect, which was good, but took a little longer to read. Focused very nicely on the ultimate reason for loving and respecting your spouce: because God says to, not so they’ll do the same back.
Read
May 12, 2018I haven't read many books on marriage, but I think this one is excellent. It assumes the reader believes the Christian/Biblical view of marriage and explains it well. Very convicting at times.
I reread that this book after being married for a year and a half. A great and humbling reminder.
I reread that this book after being married for a year and a half. A great and humbling reminder.
November 25, 2020
Excellent. I don’t know that I’m 100% in agreement with the interpretation of “submit to one another”, but that end notes discussion doesn’t take away from all the faithful application of Scripture and practical helps throughout the rest of the book. Highly recommended.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews